Katie's Journey to Love (8 page)

The heavens remained silent as troubled thoughts kept rolling
through Katie's mind. Did she really know what she was doing? She was only a young woman, not even twenty yet, and here she was taking on the world her own way.

Katie left the drapes open. She prepared for bed and climbed under the covers. The minutes slipped by, but sleep didn't come. Nothing she did seemed to help. Her mind wouldn't shut off. Finally she got up and closed the drapes. Perhaps that would help. Back in bed, she still tossed and turned, wide awake. She might as well get up and start breakfast. But how silly was that? It was still before midnight. Maybe a glass of milk would help.

Katie slipped out from under the covers and swung open the bedroom door. On the stairs, the squeaks stopped her. There was no way of getting downstairs without someone hearing her. Although
Mamm
and Jesse's bedroom was on the other side of the house, it was near enough to the stair door that sounds carried clearly.

Katie retreated to her bedroom. Now what was she supposed to do? Lie here all night wishing for a glass of milk? She could run the risk of going down the stairs, but if
Mamm
found her in the kitchen the resulting conversation might undo any
gut
effects brought on by the glass of milk. Thoughts of Ben crept into her mind. What was he thinking about right now? Was he asleep or was he also lying awake?
Mamm
was probably right in warning her of the dangers inherent in dreaming and longing for a young man who would never be her husband. So why did this hope keep stirring inside her? Had
Mamm
felt something like this for Daniel? Probably not, Katie figured. The two of them weren't as similar as what
Mamm
claimed they were. And
Mamm
hadn't really found love until she found it with
Daett
, and now she was finding love with Jesse.

Surely it could happen that way with Ben and her! Katie thought. Perhaps she could hasten that day by running around
in his circles. She could enter
rumspringa
. But how did one “do”
rumspringa
when it came right down to it? She didn't know. Did a person go to wild parties over the weekends and listen to worldly music? What kind of fun would that be? Katie shuddered at the thought. Surely that wasn't what most of the Amish young folks did during their time of flirting with the world. Most of them probably just wore
Englisha
clothing on weekends and drove cars.

Ben must be spending his time in the world doing things like that. He was too decent to do anything really wrong. He just wasn't like that. So why shouldn't she go out some weekend and see what
rumspringa
was like? Perhaps if Ben saw her in an
Englisha
dress, the lights would go on in his head. He would see that she no longer was just Emma Raber's strange daughter.

Katie imagined herself behind the wheel of a car like Esther Kuntz had. She pictured herself roaring down the road dressed up in an
Englisha
dress with rock music blaring from the radio. Katie kicked off the covers as heat flushed through her body. She could never do something like that. Not in a million years!

Perhaps she couldn't because she'd lived such a shy life for most of her years. Yet it was more than that. That kind of lifestyle just wasn't right.
Mamm
had taught her that much, even if her teachings couldn't keep her daughter away from the Mennonites. Katie could never be wild, and Ben wasn't wild either. He couldn't be. He was too nice. Katie forced her dark thoughts away.
Da Hah
would have to straighten all this out, and she had best keep her hands out of it. She couldn't do anything about her feelings for Ben.

Katie got out of bed and opened the drapes again. She walked back to the bed, lay down, and watched the stars until she finally fell asleep.

Chapter Eight

The following week, on a Wednesday night, the sun had set and supper was almost over at the Mast house. Katie kept her eyes on her plate as the chatter of conversation rose and fell around her. Mabel knew she was going somewhere tonight, but other than Jesse and
Mamm
, the others didn't. Before long the headlights from Esther's car would be bouncing into the lane as her friend arrived to pick her up for the youth gathering. They would all know something was up—especially when she stood up and left.

Mamm
sat at the supper table with a worried look on her face. When someone addressed her, she tried to smile and respond warmly.
Mamm
was doing a
gut
job of hiding her feelings, but Katie knew her well enough to see the depth of her discomfort. She groaned on the inside. Why did this have to be so hard? It wasn't like she was committing a great sin. Yet likely in their eyes she was. Mabel certainly wouldn't be going to a Mennonite gathering, and neither would Leroy or Willis. Jesse had trained his children better than that.

Mamm
would be left to explain the whole situation to the other children. Or perhaps Jesse would take the responsibility upon himself to relieve
Mamm
of the burden. And all of this would happen after she dashed out the door. She didn't like either option. It would be better if they heard the words from her mouth. With that thought firmly in her mind, Katie glanced at
Mamm
, gathered her courage, and spoke. “Um, I have something I want to say.” Katie tried to keep her voice from squeaking.

“
Yah
?” Jesse smiled in her direction as silence settled over the table.

Katie dropped her eyes. Jesse wasn't making things easy by being so nice to her. If he became angry she might at least feel justified in what she was doing. “I'm going out tonight with a Mennonite girl I work with,” Katie said. “Her name is Esther. We're going to one of her church's youth gatherings. I wanted to be the one to tell all of you where I'll be.”

Mabel looked gleeful. “I thought you were up to something tonight! Does your
mamm
know?”

“Of course,” Katie said. “And so does your
daett
. And they don't approve. I'm doing this on my own.”

“You're really going to a Mennonite youth gathering?” Leroy stared at her. “How come I've not heard about this?”

“You would know things if you kept your eyes open,” Mabel snapped. “Katie has been doing these jaunts even before the wedding.”

“Mabel,” Jesse spoke up, “you will stay out of this. We will let Katie finish what she has to say.”

Mabel's eyes cast daggers at Katie, but she kept her mouth shut.

Katie tried to find her voice and wrung her hands under the table.

“Katie made some friends from work…”
Mamm
began, obviously trying to help out.

Katie stopped
Mamm
from speaking further with a shake of her head. “This isn't
Mamm
's doing or anyone else's but mine.
Yah
, I do have some
gut
friends among the Mennonite youth. But I didn't get to know them by working at Byler's.”

“Would one of these friends be a boy?” Leroy had a slight smile on his face.

Mabel's mouth opened as if she were going to say something, clearly agreeing with her brother, but Jesse stopped Mabel with a lift of his hand.

“I don't think this has anything to do with a boy. At least not from what I understand,” Jesse said.

“It certainly doesn't,” Katie said. “My friends' names are Margaret and Sharon. They were at the wedding, even though you may not have met them since it was such a busy day. They've invited me to a youth gathering tonight. Esther, who also works at Byler's, is picking me up in a minute.”

“There has to be a boy somewhere,” Leroy announced. “You don't go leaving the faith over some girlfriends.”

Mabel smirked behind her hand.

“Katie is not leaving the faith,” Jesse said. “If she wants to keep up these friendships, then we shouldn't complain if she visits them once in awhile.”

Neither Leroy nor Mabel looked convinced by their
daett
's mellow words. Katie swallowed hard. Jesse was making this difficult again. But if she didn't speak up now, it would only get harder later. “I…I may be attending the Mennonite youth gatherings quite a lot,” she managed. “I don't mean anything against the Amish faith by that. I really don't. And I have no plans to leave the Amish or join the Mennonite Church.”

“They never do,” Mabel stated, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “It just happens all of a sudden. That's how deception comes into the heart.”

“Mabel!” Jesse said warningly.

“I can't believe you're allowing this,
Daett
!” Mabel said. “You never would let one of us run around with the Mennonites. And now Katie's bringing this evil right into our house.”

With a gasp
Mamm
jumped up from the table and rushed into the living room. Her soft sobs could be heard on the other side of the kitchen wall as silence gripped the people at the supper table. Katie wanted to break out into sobs herself. She should have kept her mouth shut and allowed
Mamm
to handle this after she was gone. Now she had made the situation a hundred times worse.

Jesse was looking at Mabel. “I've told you for the last time tonight to keep out of this. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Mabel looked quite offended. “I'm not a child,
Daett
. But this is terrible. We've never had anything like this happen in our home before.”

Jesse said nothing as he continued looking at Mabel.

Under his gaze, Mabel finally glanced away and offered no further response.

“Now, what were you saying, Katie?” Jesse turned back to her.

“I'm very sorry about all this.” Katie got to her feet. “I'd better go see what I can do for
Mamm
.”

“Sit down, Katie,” Jesse said. He stood up. “I'll be right back.”

He disappeared into the living room.

Mabel turned to glare at Katie. “I can't believe you!” Mabel spat out.

Katie looked away. She wasn't going to fight about this. Besides, Esther was coming at any moment. In fact, she should
be here already. Katie wondered if she should change her mind and give up this idea tonight. It would temporarily solve things for
Mamm
, but that would only postpone the inevitable.
Nee
, she was going. A look of determination settled on her face.
Da Hah
had opened this door, and she was walking through it. Most of the family, including
Mamm
and Jesse, probably thought she'd pushed the door open on her own, but she hadn't.
Da Hah
had done this for her. She was more certain of that each day. How a thing from
Da Hah
could cause so much trouble was hard to understand, but she wasn't turning back now.

Headlights bounced into the driveway, throwing beams of light through the living room windows. They ricocheted off the kitchen wall, stabbing through the bright glow of the lantern. Katie rose and, without looking at any of them, walked out of the kitchen.
Mamm
was seated on the couch beside Jesse, her head on his shoulder. Her sobs were silent now.

“I'm so sorry about all this,” Katie said as she paused for a moment.

“It's okay.”
Mamm
looked up, a faint smile on her face.

Katie hesitated. But what more was there to say? Other than staying home, nothing would fully cheer
Mamm
. At least there was one thing to be thankful for. Jesse had done wonders for
Mamm
in the last few minutes. She had never recovered from one of her dark spells so quickly before.

Grabbing her stuff, Katie headed out the door, closing it behind her. She walked down the steps as Esther's headlights lit up the front yard. Katie squinted as she ran toward the car and opened the door. She slid in.

“Howdy there,” Esther greeted her. “How are you doing?”

“Okay, I guess,” Katie managed to say.

“Trouble again?”

Katie waited until Esther was on the main road before answering. “Everybody's taking my leaving hard, and now there are people around other than
Mamm
.”

“I can imagine.” Esther was all sympathy. “I guess you'll just have to find your way. Carefully, that is. You are of age, aren't you?”

“Not in my world. We have to be twenty-one.”

“Ah, I'd forgotten about that.” Esther slowed to pass a buggy coming toward them on the side road. Her headlights illuminated the young man's face for a moment.

“That's the Yutzy boy, Mose,” Katie said, turning around in the seat to look back.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Esther asked.

“
Nee
, but I think someone else is after him…someone like Mabel.”

“He looked kind of old. Are they seeing each other?”

“I don't think Jesse would permit Mabel to see a boy. She's only sixteen.” Katie fell silent as a question flashed through her mind. “What is Mose Yutzy doing out here at this time of the night? It could be a perfectly innocent thing, but then…”