Keeper of the Wolves (29 page)

I willed my heart to slow and my mind to
focus. I saw an open cage door and starlight upon a garden. I
remembered carpeted floors, a warm fire, and pulling on clothes
that smelled of cedar. A tendril of smoke teased my nose and I saw
the kitchens and Cook Tamus’ disapproving frown. I heard a thunder
of hoof beats and felt the sunshine on my human form. Within it
all, I saw a swirl of golden hair and bright blue searching eyes,
the kind of gaze I could lose myself in forever.

I opened my eyes to see Koya’s worried face
above me. My head was pillowed in her lap. Her nearness brought
some clarity to my thoughts.

“
I’m so glad you’re awake,”
she said softly.

I leaned against her, clearing my senses
with her smell and touch. Her breath stirred my hair and my
disjointed senses drifted back to the wind in the evergreens and
evening grasses. I blinked and forced my thoughts to focus. The
wagon was gone; the moonlight had faded to a hazy gray dawn.
Someone had draped a blanket over me to hide my nakedness as well
as bound my wounds. My wrist throbbed with maddening regularity.
Joven, Lord Brayton, several soldiers, and others who had survived
the Viel attack surrounded us. I pushed up slowly.

“
You should hold still,”
Koya said gently.

Joven put a hand on my shoulder. “Take it
slow, Victus. You deserve to rest.”

Lord Brayton grinned down at me. I met his
easy smile with a questioning look. His grin widened. “The Dukes
and Duchesses of Rala asked for a show of strength to solidify Lord
and Lady Vielslayer’s claim to the throne. I think you’ve given
them that.”

I rose with the blanket clutched around my
waist. When I stumbled on weak knees, Joven caught me and helped me
stand. “You never were one to listen to reason.”

“
You never said anything
reasonable,” I replied. My heart ached at the thought of how Rasmus
would have reacted to the banter.

Joven’s smile faltered as if he thought the
same thing. Koya followed anxiously at my side as her brother
helped me to the edge of a wagon. I sat with my head in my hands
for a moment to wait for the world to stop spinning. When it did, I
looked up at Koya, then Joven. “So Vielkeep is safe?”

He put a hand on my shoulder again, a
brotherly gesture that meant more than any words. “You led your
wolves into battle against the Viel and saved most of the royalty
of Rala. You’ve solidified Vielkeep’s hold for years to come.”

I glanced at Lord Brayton, then at the Dukes
and Duchesses behind him. Lord Fallow and Lady Stry, the rotund
couple from Sunhold, nodded and gave me hesitant smiles. Duke
Tavion, Brayton’s father, frowned but nodded. Several others bowed
their heads in agreement as well. There were uncertain looks
exchanged, fear and doubt in the eyes of a few, but they mattered
little. All I cared about was that the Viel were gone and Vielkeep
was safe. Koya was safe.

“
We owe you our lives,”
Joven said. He then surprised me by dropping down on one knee,
bowing to me where I sat on the edge of the wagon. Koya squeezed my
hand, then lowered next to her brother. The soldiers around them
followed, and so, somewhat reluctantly, did the surviving royalty.
Soon, all of the survivors in the battle-torn valley knelt below
me, some bandaged, some bitter, but most with humbly lowered heads
and grateful smiles.

A lump formed in my throat. “I don’t deserve
this,” I said quietly.

Joven rose and smiled wider. “You do,
brother. You deserve this honor, our respect, and so much more.
Name what you’d like and it shall be given to you.” His blue eyes,
a shade darker than Koya’s, danced.

I couldn’t think of anything I wanted, then
I glanced down into sky blue eyes that held mine as if they would
surround me forever. Her smile deepened with love and
understanding, and her face shone as though she guessed my
thoughts. She slipped her hand into mine. “I want Koya,” I
whispered, staring into her gaze.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Joven
grow stiller than any wolf. His eyes were locked on my face, his
forehead creased and lips pressed into a tight line. “What did you
say?” he asked in a tone I would have recognized as dangerous if I
had been paying more attention to him and less to the woman I
loved.

I spoke louder this time so everyone around
us could hear, “I ask for Lady Koya Vielslayer’s hand in
marriage.”

I looked back at Joven expecting to see him
smile and nod, but what I saw in his eyes chased any joviality from
my heart. He studied me quietly for a moment, his gaze as hard as
steel. “I owe you my gratitude,” he said in a voice devoid of
emotion. “We all do. But though I call you brother, you are not one
of us.”

His words cut through me like a knife. I
felt each one with more pain than my crushed wrist or the
lacerations along my body. I heard the bare meaning to every word
when he concluded, “You are an animal. I cannot allow someone with
animal blood to marry my sister. I’m sorry, Victus.”

There was a faint hint of real sorrow in his
end words, but I didn’t hear it. I heard only what was forbidden.
Despite all I had been through and all I had given to the royal
siblings and their kingdom, I was not one of them.

“
Joven, no,” Koya said with
heartache in her voice.

A voice in the back of my mind whispered
that he was right. I didn’t know what I was and had no right to ask
Koya to spend her life with that uncertainty. She was whispering to
Joven urgently, but I had no desire to hear what was said. I pushed
off from the wagon. Joven’s hand shot out when my knees threatened
to give way once more, but he stopped himself with his fingers
inches from me. I blinked, then nodded.

I held the blanket closer around me and took
a few steps away. I paused and turned. Koya practically flew into
my arms. Her embrace was warm and safe. “Don’t leave,” she
begged.

The despair in her voice burned me to the
core. Her eyes were filled with tears, her heart as broken as mine.
“I love you,” I whispered into her hair.

“
I love you, too,” she
replied in a sob.

I let her go and changed. I didn’t care if
they saw or judged me. I became the wolf, the animal who wasn’t
good enough even though I had given them everything. I had slept
beside them, fought with them, and bled in their name. Though they
called me brother, I wasn’t anything more than an animal. I gritted
my teeth and paced slowly from the quiet group.

“
Miduan will always be open
to you, Victus,” Lord Brayton called.

I bowed my head and walked into the forest.
My pack met me there as if they had been expecting me. I fell in
behind Shadow Runner and Silver Leaf and pretended for one night
that I was just a wolf.

Chapter 17

I couldn’t bring myself to leave Vielkeep. I
paced through the forest invisible to the throng as they made their
way slowly back to the castle. Runners went ahead to gather the
remaining horses, but for the most part the survivors of the Viel
attack walked. I tried to keep sight of Koya, but my paw ached with
every step. I fell behind and though the wolves stayed beside me, I
felt more alone than I ever had before.

I followed the pack to the makeshift den
they had widened from a badger hole not far behind the castle wall.
The younger wolves scampered about, but I could find no joy as I
watched them. Koya was my whole world, and she was lost to me. I
was a wolf without a mate, a body without a soul. My heart ached
even more sharply than my wounds. When Silver Leaf brought me food,
I ate but didn’t taste anything.

The moon called for me to change back to
human form, but I ignored it. Instead, rage filled me. I turned the
drive to change into something dark, angry. I left the pack and ran
through the forest possessed. I tore through branches and under
shrubs, around saplings and across meadows oblivious of their
beauty. I refused to change because I wasn’t human. I wouldn’t wear
the guise of something I could never be.

My paw burned angry and throbbing, but I
couldn’t stop running. Blood caked patches of my skin where the
Viel had ripped my flesh. My ribs ached where they had cracked, and
my body protested every step. The pain edged my thoughts in red
until I ran by pure instinct and adrenaline.

I ran from the human form that fought to
take my control. I ran from the castle, from Koya, from all the
things I wanted but would never have within my grasp again. I ran
from the thought of being human, from clothes and dining on fine
dishware, from carpeted floors and walks in the garden. Most of
all, I ran because to stop would be to acknowledge the hole in my
heart that only Koya filled, the hole through which my soul poured,
leaving me with only a shell.

I leaped a creek and startled a bear, the
first animal I had seen on my mad rush. Animals had chosen wisely
to avoid my headlong craze; even the midnight bugs kept their songs
to the moon hushed as though they guessed my dark thoughts.

The bear rose on his hind legs, startled by
my sudden appearance. He loomed above me, a king bear out at night
because he hadn’t found food during the day. He feasted on a fish
big enough to feed the entire pack. I wasn’t hungry, but felt
foolhardy and reckless. Danger was a distraction to the heartache
and rage that fueled my inner turmoil. I welcomed the distraction
of the bear and let out a low growl.

The massive animal took a step forward, his
dark form blocking out the light of the moon behind him. He swiped
a paw at me with claws big enough to lay open my skull. I dodged
the blow and ran behind him. He turned and gave an outraged roared.
Two pheasants took flight, their startled cries mapping their path
over the forest.

I lunged for the fish, then jumped to the
side at the last moment when the bear tried another swipe. He
dropped to all fours with a thump I felt through my paws. The
animal stood over his fish, determined not to lose his catch to a
lone wolf. I danced around him, intent on my objective and ignoring
the danger entirely.

When it was obvious I wasn’t going to give
up, the bear let out another annoyed roar. His lips opened wide to
reveal teeth longer than a human finger, and the sound that rumbled
from his chest flowed through my body like an avalanche. I paused,
realizing for a brief moment the situation I was in. I could leave
the bear alone as my instincts dictated, but to do so meant
accepting that I was a wolf, which I was not. I could trick the
bear away from the food using my human intelligence, but as Joven
so cuttingly pointed out, I wasn’t human.

I chose brute strength, a foolish move
against an animal that outweighed me by at least a full-grown horse
or two. I gathered my legs underneath me and leaped, intent on the
bear’s back. My attack startled him and he backed up. His
hindquarters hit against a tree and he turned, imaging another wolf
behind him. I landed against his side, a glancing blow, but one
that brought his attention quickly back. He glowered at me with
small, shining dark eyes and shuffled his paws back and forth so
that his head swayed, warning me like a viper that he was about to
attack.

I danced back and he ran at me. He was
surprisingly swift for an animal his size and I tripped on the
stones at the edge of the creek. I stumbled into the shallow water
and wasn’t quick enough to avoid his outstretched claws. They cut
deep grooves across my chest and I let out a yelp of pain. The bear
pursued his advantage and swiped again, but I was ready this
time.

I dove under his paw and darted around the
massive trunks that made up his legs. I grabbed the giant fish in
my jaws and ran through the forest without looking back. An enraged
roar resounded behind me. I ducked my head and ran faster. I turned
uphill and wound around several ridges so that I wouldn’t lead the
bear to the pack’s den. When sunlight glowed at the edges of the
horizon, I paused and listened. The silence that awaited the coming
dawn spread out below me; there was no crashing and thrashing of an
enraged bear trailing in my wake.

I limped slowly down the side of the
mountain. My paw ached to the point that I couldn’t use it anymore.
I held it against my wounded chest and limped with the fish held
tight in my jaws. A voice at the back of my mind questioned why I
had taken it. I shied from the thought, pushing it deep down
beneath the survival instincts of the wolf to eat when there was
plenty against times of none.

The wolves smelled me long before I reached
the den. Night Seeker and Trace met me on the game trail and
gamboled in front of me as proudly as if they had caught the fish
themselves. Shadow Runner and Silver Leaf met me at the edge of the
clearing. I set the fish at the alpha’s feet, a token of my
gratitude for their continued loyalty, and an apology for the elk I
had let escape. Shadow Runner picked it up and carried it to the
center of the clearing. If he thought it strange that the fish
smelled of bear, he didn’t let it show. Silver Leaf licked my
muzzle and I settled down beneath a stand of trees to watch them
feast.

The pups played with the bones long after
the fish was gone. Gull, Silver Leaf’s sister, brought me the head,
a prize usually reserved for the alpha. When I turned it down, she
took it to Shadow Runner who ate it without concerning himself over
why I refused such a delicacy. It was refreshing that wolves could
do things without questioning every action. Life was simple as a
wolf, and if I refrained from robbing too many bears, it could be a
safe life. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want a safe life, I wanted
one in which I could truly live as myself, whoever that was.

I saw Koya in my thoughts, her eyes
searching mine as I lay fighting the fever from the Cruel One’s
whipping. She smoothed the hair back from my forehead and whispered
gentle things, her voice soft and kind. I reached out a hand and
she took it. My fingers closed in a fist when a fever convulsion
wracked my body. Though it must have hurt, she held on until I
stilled. Compassion showed in her eyes. She dipped a rag in water
and wet my face to sooth the fever.