Keeper'n Me (23 page)

I thought I was really missing out on something until one night on the lake. Keeper'n me had spent all that day talking about the drum and how important it is to the ways of the Anishanabe. He told me about the woman side and the man side of all of us and how we gotta learn to lie in balance with both those sets of gifts to really be happy in this world. It all sounded strange to me at first but as I sat there in the middle of the lake that night it began to fall together inside of me. Inside out. Keeper was always talking about how nothing in this world ever grows from the outside in. Growth only ever happens from the inside out. So finding a balance inside myself as a man and as an Ojibway meant that finding a balance with the outside world was gonna be a whole lot easier. Funny how something as simple as a drum can unlock the universe for you once you get taught how to look at it.

There was nothing at first, just the soft sound of the waves on the side of the boat, a little whistling of the breeze. The full moon was rising in a big orange ball at the east end of the lake. It was huge. The trees looked like long fingers and I remember thinking that right at
that moment the land really was alive, those fingers reaching up and trying to touch the moon. I watched it as it slid upwards into the sky and just as the thought came to my mind that it looked like a big orange drum in the sky, I heard it.

Softly at first and then getting steadily louder and clearer from far off past the far end of the lake. A drum. Boom-boom, boom-boom. Boom-boom, boom-boom. The heartbeat rhythm. For the longest time that's all I heard, and then … a voice. It was a man's voice and it echoed off everything, the hills, the rocks, the water, until it was impossible to pinpoint where it was coming from. I'll never forget that song. It was pure and clear and filled with respect, awe and power.

“Soo-wanee-quay,” the voice sang. “Soo-wanee-quay.” That's all. A single phrase over and over again as that moon rose higher and higher into that purple sky. That drumbeat lulled me into a deeper peace and as I drifted over that lake that night I could feel the power of the earth all around me.

I could see the flicker of half a dozen fires out back of people's homes. There were the racing shadows of the kids playing some game and I pretended I could hear their teasing and their laughter. I saw the quick shadow shapes of dogs chasing around after them kids and a few seconds after their yapping barks reached my ears. I could see the hunched-over shadows of the old ladies bringing tea out back and now and then I could make out a young couple strolling hand in hand alongside the
lake. All of it just kinda sat there that night like some big moving painting with a background of purple treetops like fingers reaching up towards that moon. As that drumbeat carried on and that voice kept singing what I knew inside to be a hymn to the earth, I bobbed up and down on that lake and smiled. I bobbed and bobbed and my insides filled up with that hymn, that scene and the belief that if there really was a thing called balance in this world I wanted this place to always be the balance point.

I thought about Ma's belief in a common magic born of the land that heals us and I smiled. There was magic that night and on many of the other nights I've drifted alone across that lake watching the lives of my people fill the shadows of the land.

Nights later when I told Keeper about it he just smiled.

“Someone gettin' balance themselves, sounds like,” he said. “Soo-wanee-quay's a Cree sayin' comes from the sweat lodge. Means somethin' like power of the woman. Whoever was singin' that song out there was recognizin' the power of the woman in everythin' out there and thankin' it. Recognizin' the woman's gifts inside himself and singin' so he could join himself up with it.”

We never ever did figure out who was singing that song. Ma and my uncles tell stories about the shadow people. Shadow people are people who lived before us who kinda watch over us all the time. Always hanging around to help us learn things, and Ma says she's seen
one or two in her time and even heard a couple when she's really been needing some help. The way my family figures it is, on accounta no one else heard what I did that night, that I must of heard one of the shadow people singing his blessing over the land, its powers and for me too. Big gift, Ma says, and I believe her. Big gift. Ever since that night I been okay with my life here.

Whenever that feeling creeps into my insides about maybe leaving and checking out the action again or whenever I feel myself getting all tied up inside, I head out on that lake in my boat. I find the middle. I cut the engine and lean back across the center of that boat and start bobbing up and down. When I feel the up and down rhythm of that boat kinda like a drumbeat itself, I look up and around at the land and the universe around me and I sing real soft and low, “Soo-wanee-quay, soo-wanee-quay.” Feels like coming home.

Hmmpfh. Sometimes these days old guys like me be wonderin' all the time whether there's any magic left in this world. Old people talk about times before the whiteman when magic was all over. Midewewin were big makers of magic an' the powers of the land could always be counted on for big teachin's. Nowadays with not lots believin' anymore, well, we wonder whether that magic mighta moved on somewheres else
.

Me I figure the boy's been kinda my key to callin' back a little of that magic around here. Us we all need someone or somethin' to guide us. Sometimes that guide's funniest-lookin' guide you can imagine an' lotsa the time they don' even know they're
guidin' you. That's what the boy's been for me. Unknowin' kinda guide for me. He guided lotsa us back then. Dug in so hard tryin' to learn an' be parta us he helped us see what we shoulda been doin' ourselves. Hmmpfh
.

Learned good, him. Learned good. Us we laughed like crazy over Wally'n that radio thing. Still do lots. Thing about us Indyuns, laughin' kinda frees up your insides an' you remember lot more things than if you get all sad an' weepy over somethin'. Nothin' to cry over with that little adventure though. 'Cept maybe that Wally's still singin' nights on that radio. Heh, heh, heh
.

But hey, me I learned lotsa good sayin's for next time I'm out there snaggin'. Heh, heh, heh. Old man like me gotta have a good line or two now, can't just lean on my good looks an' sleek physique. Heh, heh, heh
.

Anyway, what I mean by the boy kinda bein' a guide for me goes back to a couple weeks after all that settled down. He come around one night askin' more about this balance. Wonderin' how he was supposed to know what he didn't need no more and what he was supposed to keep of that old life. Helped me remember what the old man told me one time too. So that's what I told him that night, same thing
.

See, me I come to Harold one time, musta been about ten or eleven. I really wanted to be like him. Real old, kinda all gentle an' soft an' kind but strong too an' I didn't know how I was ever gonna get there. Just didn't know. All confused about what I should be doin' and what I shouldn't. So I asked an' he told me this story
.

Way it goes is, a young man was walkin' around his village one day lookin' around at his people. He stopped an' watched
everythin' they were doin' an' started to notice how real quiet, gentle an' good they were with each other. Kinda felt the first stirrin's of love for them deep in his chest. More he walked around lookin' more love he felt for them
.

So the young man walked over to the old woman of his village an' started to talk to her. He told her about walkin' around seein' the life his people led, the way they were with each other an' how he loved them for their ways. Told that old woman that he wanted to become a great warrior. Told her he wanted to be a warrior so he could always protect them from anythin' that might hurt them or make them change. The old woman watched him as he talked an' she just knew that his words were comin' from a true place
.

Then the young man asked that old woman, he said, “I wanna be the greatest warrior for my people that I can be. And to do that I need the medicine power of the most respected animal in the animal kingdom. If I can have that I will really be a great warrior.”

That's what he said
.

And the old woman looked at the young man, kinda had a tear in her eye, an' she told him, she said, “I can tell that your heart is pure an that you're askin' for this on accounta you really do wanna be a protector. No other reason. So I'm gonna give you this. But first you gotta be able to tell me who this animal brother or sister is that's got the most respect of all the animals. Do that an' I'll give you that medicine power.”

Well, I guess that young man just kinda got all happy on accounta it sounded like such an easy question. So he yelled out, “The animal that's got the most respect from its animal brothers
an' sisters is the grizzly bear! It's the grizzly bear on accounta he's fierce an' strong an' fearless.”

But that old woman just shook her head real sad-like an' told him, “No. It's not brother bear. There's another.”

So the young man thought a little longer an' then he said, “Well then, it's gotta be the wolverine on accounta the wolverine's a great fighter, fearless an' scary.”

But one more time the old woman shook her head all sad an' told the young man, “No. That's not the one. There's another.”

One by one the young man named all the most fearless, strongest, biggest, fiercest animals he could think of but each time the old woman just shook her head an' said, “No. There's another.”

Finally, after a long time the young man hung his head real depressed an' told her, he said, “I don't know who this is. So I guess I can't have this medicine power an' I guess I can't be a great warrior.”

But the old woman reached out her hand an' touched the young man, looked deep into his eyes an' said, “No. Because your heart is so pure I'm gonna give you this one's name an' I'm gonna let you have this great medicine power because I know you'll use it in a good way
.

“The animal that's got the most respect from his animal brothers an' sisters … is the mole. Tiny, blind little mole that lives in the ground is the greatest warrior in the animal kingdom.”

Well, the young man could hardly believe his ears. “But how can that be?” he asked. “The mole's so small, can't fight, can't even see.”

The old woman smiled. Them old people they always smile
when they're gonna lay some learnin' on you, even now. She smiled an' told the young man, she said, “Reason the mole's got the most respect is on accounta he lives in constant touch with Mother Earth. All his life always stays in touch with her. That way he gets wise. Gets wise so that even though his eyes are bad he learns to see another way. The way of the spirit
.

“Other reason he gets most respect is on accounta when the mole's busy burrowin' through the earth like he does he's always gettin' vibrations from the surface from whoever else is movin' around up there. So in order for him to learn when he's in danger or not that mole will dig his way to the surface an' have a quick look around. That way he learns when a rabbit runs over him or when there's even a fox chasin' that rabbit. Knows the way a bear walks across the ground, a man, knows the way of everythin' on accounta he's gonna up to take a sniff whenever he's felt somethin' movin around
.

“An' that's why the mole's got the most respect of all his animal brothers an' sisters. That's why
.

“Because even though he might get eaten, even though he might be injured, even though he might feel a great deal of pain on accounta it, that mole always takes the time to investigate what he feels. That's why. And you gotta have that same medicine power to be a great warrior.”

The young man went away to think about it. Thought about it long time an' he went on to become a great warrior who was loved an' respected by all the people for his kindness, fairness an' softness as well as his strength, fightin' and brav'ry. That warrior always took the time to investigate his feelin's before he did anything
.

That's what I told the boy that day, just like old Harold told me. He sat there for a while thinkin' it over an' when he looked up there was kinda tears in the corners of his eyes an' he was smiling. He didn't say anything then, just sat there smilin' all glitter-eyed an' happy
.

An' you know, ever since that day that boy's always walkin' around checkin' out his insides whenever he's gotta make a choice. Sometimes it takes days but he's diggin' for the surface just like that mole, kinda sniffin' around, investigatin' what he feels. An' he ain't really been wrong yet. Still listens to that blues music an' dances around all crazy sometimes, still talks big dreams an' still likes to go to town an' check things out, but he always comes back. Comes back for more learnin'. Comes back for more of himself an' for more home inside
.

Told you he learned good, didn't I?

The land is a feeling. That's what Keeper says all the time and I was just beginning to get an idea of what he meant by the second fall I was home. See, according to Keeper all the fuss and trouble the government has with us Indians is on accounta the land. They call it “the Indian problem” and they figure it's all about us wanting our own governments and to be able to run things on our own. But it's not, according to Keeper. This so-called Indian problem is really a land problem. It's always been that way, he says. The way Keeper tells it is that most of them politicians are pretty much aware of the way the land was taken on the sly. So ever since then they've been carrying around big blanket of guilt,
he says. They put us on reserves telling us we could live the old way there, hunt and fish and trap, do all the things we used to do before the whiteman got here. Said it was for our own benfit. But according to Keeper it was for their benefit, not ours. He says putting us on all these reserves kept us Indians from talking a lot to each other. Couldn't get together and couldn't put together any really big plans. Still afraid of a big Indian uprising, I guess. Way Keeper sees it, the government came along and told all the Indians if they put down their arrows and went off to live on these reserves and were good little Indians then maybe one of these days we'd be able to get some of those arrows back. Down through the years they gave us a few back but they kept all the points and feathers and only gave us the shaft. And we been pretty much getting the shaft ever since. Funny guy, that Keeper.