Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job (21 page)

Actually, thoughts are minute, almost imperceptible, electrochemical events in your brain. No one dies from a thought. “I am sorry to tell you, Mrs. Jones, but your husband had a difficult thought and he didn’t find the answer, and he just dropped dead. Yes, we have seen a lot of this ‘urgent thought disease’ in recent months; people dropping like flies because they weren’t able to get to the answer in enough time.”

What are true emergencies? Try
not
to circulate your blood, for example. Now, if you fail to do that for more than a few minutes you will most certainly die. But having the answer to your random worrisome thoughts about a job or finances is not in the same category. We are not going to cut your throat open and perform a tracheotomy so your air passage can get some oxygen to your urgent thoughts. Thoughts are not emergencies.

Thoughts pass

Negative thoughts are like burps; they come and go.

Let’s take your thought, “I can’t wait,” as another story you are telling yourself which has already proven to be false. Of course you can wait. You are already waiting. The idea “I can’t stand it” or “I can’t wait” is really more like a thought about a preference: “I would actually prefer not to wait.” You might yell and scream at yourself and tell yourself you can’t wait to get the next job, and that you need to know right now, but stomping your mental feet, protesting that you don’t want to wait and cannot wait will only frustrate you more.

Try rephrasing this as a preference: “It might be nice for me to know how things will turn out, but I will just have to tolerate the uncertainty and the frustration.” In fact, if you give up on the goal of immediately having the answer, you will be a lot less frustrated. If you focus on making the current moment better, you will empower yourself. You are more likely to find pleasure and meaning in the present moment than in a future that may or may not happen. Let’s turn to the present moment—now.

EXERCISE: THINKING DIFFERENTLY
ABOUT YOUR SENSE OF URGENCY

It’s worth working through your worries to find out how you can change the way you are thinking at the moment.

•
What are some examples of your sense of urgency?

•
Do you have the feeling that you need to know right now?

•
What is the cost and what is the benefit to you of having this sense of urgency?

•
Can you still look for a job and live your life without scaring yourself to death?

•
What is the evidence for and against the belief that you absolutely need to know immediately if you are going to get a job?

•
If you turned off the urgency, would you be able to enjoy daily life?

•
Try to focus on the current moment and slow down your thinking.

4: Focus on the now

When do you taste something? In the present moment —now—and then it is gone. Put a raisin in your mouth. Let it roll over the top of your tongue. Feel it, feel the texture, the taste, the size of the raisin. It is a raisin in the present moment in your mouth. As you focus on a raisin, the rest of the world disappears—for one moment in time.

When do you breathe? Now—and then you exhale. You notice your breath coming in and going out. Each is a separate now and each now is gone in a moment. As you focus on your breath, moment to moment, you are not worried about the possible futures that your imaginative worried mind could create. You are simply in the moment of your breath. Now. Then, the now is gone.

When do you see and hear your child laugh? Now, and then the laughter subsides. Each experience, each breath, each laughter, and each tear that is shed is experienced in a Now that is a present moment and then passes to another present moment—
ad infinitum
—one after the other. Let’s take the current moment —this Now, this moment at this time. Notice how you are sitting, notice your feet, your legs, how they are arranged, notice your shoulders, notice your hands. Each moment that you notice yourself, you are living in the present moment. Until I asked you to notice yourself, you probably were only focused on what you were reading—or thoughts about the future or the past. Each moment you miss that is in the Now is a moment lost forever.

Lost in the future

Worry is always about the future—never about the Now. You predict that bad things might happen, your mind races ahead of you towards a life that may or may not ever end up the way you think it might. As you live in the future that you imagine you have shifted away from the present moment. You are staring out into the space of your future life, with no anchor in the present. You are temporarily lost. You have left the present moment.

Come back to the present moment, and your worries will evaporate—at least for now.

What if you were able to concentrate on the present moment and just notice what is in front of you? Well, my kitten, Katie, is sitting on my desk next to my monitor as I write this. She is looking out toward a squirrel. She is completely in the present moment. Focused, alert, tail wagging, ready to pounce. Needless to say, she is not a worrier. She—like all cats I have ever known—lives in the present moment. Moment to moment, focusing on what is in front of her, experiencing a stream of images, sensations, tastes, touches, and sounds. Perhaps you could become a Zen cat—you should be so lucky.

Just as we discussed in the chapter on rumination, you can use mindfulness to cope with your tendency to jump ahead in your mind to a future that may never occur. Focusing on the here and now and watching it come and go is a great exercise in freeing yourself from your worries.

Let’s take your breath. You are breathing every moment of the day. But how often do you stop to notice your breath? Notice it now.

EXERCISE: FOCUS ON THE HERE AND
NOW USING YOUR BREATH

1.
Take a few minutes to sit quietly.

2.
Notice how your breath goes in, then out, then in again. Bring your awareness back towards your breath.

3.
Notice the in and out, where your breath is. Do not control it, do not judge it. Notice it. As you notice your breath you will notice that your mind goes elsewhere—to other thoughts, hearing sounds, remembering things. Acknowledge these thoughts and sounds and gently bring your awareness back to your breath.

4.
If you close your eyes, notice your breath as it goes out, saying to yourself, ”Letting go,” and let the breath leave you. Bring your breath back to you, noticing the flow, like water, like air, like a moment that comes and then is gone.

This mindful awareness of the breath is an exercise that you might do each day. Try it for fifteen minutes, if you can. Just notice what you are noticing. Watch your mind drifting away from your breath, drifting away from the present moment. Watch your mind telling you, “I have things to do” or “What good will this do?” Yes, your mind is busy running away from the present moment, judging it and trying to control it. Awareness of the present moment is the first step in living more completely in the Now.

To be aware is to be awake.

Give up on the future—live Now

During this time between jobs, you would be wise to live your life Now rather than think you are waiting for your life to begin when you get a job. After all, you have to live every day, every moment. If you are living in dread, driven by worry, focused on regrets, anticipating the worst, predicting catastrophes—then your life, for Now, will have disappeared. You can take your life back by giving up on the future. At least, for now.

You might say, “How can I focus on the present moment if I am worried about getting a job?” Yes, you are right. If you only focus on your worries about the future, then you cannot live in the present moment. But let me ask you this: “If you are born and then die 85 years later, how can you enjoy any moments in your life if you know you will die eventually?” Living life is not preparing for the end. It’s living your life. Living is—by nature—in the present moment. Laughing is in the present moment. Crying is in the present moment. Anything with “ing” is in the present moment. You would not say, “How can I enjoy this hotdog if I know I am going to die in fifty years.” Enjoy it now.

“I am enjoy
ing
the hotdog.” “I am liv
ing
my life.”

Take notice

Noticing is another experience of the present moment. Right now, along with Katie the kitten, I am noticing the squirrel outside. And now, in the present moment, I am noticing Katie’s ears. They are directed towards the squirrel. (I suppose she is trying to pick up on the conversation the squirrel is having with her.) I am noticing the grass and the trees. I am noticing the bare branches, here in January, in Connecticut. I am noticing the sky, the sun. I am filled with the present moment. I am—almost—a cat.

EXERCISE: NOTICING NOW

When we relax and just notice what is around us, or simply notice our breathing, it can be a peaceful way to remind us that Now is the most important time:

1.
Look around you where you are sitting. You may be at home or on a bus or train. Wherever you are is your present moment.

2.
Notice the objects around you. What colors are they? What shapes do they have? What are these objects immediately around you? Until I asked you to notice you may not have seen them with your mind’s eye. You walked past them, sat among them, lived in their presence, but they were not present to you.

3.
Open your eyes while you open your mind and take it all in. Do not judge what you see. Just absorb it.

4.
Are there any sounds that you hear? Is there traffic outside, voices, the wind, sounds of music or television? What do you hear? Perhaps there are no sounds and you notice the silence. As you are noticing, you are living. You are awake.

5.
Return now to noticing your breath. Where is your breath at each moment? Notice it coming in, flowing in, like water, like gentle water flowing into you. And notice it flowing out, letting go. As if you are watching the waves very gently flowing in and out on the beach. Each wave is a moment that comes and goes. Life is an infinite series of these moments. Be aware and awaken to the moment in front of you.

Now
is where your life is.

EXERCISE: CHANGING YOUR FOCUS

Push your worries and sense of urgency to the background by focusing on the Now. Use this recap to remind you of the benefits of living for the moment:

•
Place a small piece of food in your mouth. Notice it. Focus on the Now.

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Focus on your breath. Notice it going in and out. Experience only the Now.

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Notice how each breath comes and goes. Each Now is gone in a moment. Each moment is a new Now.

•
If you focus on Now, you are not worried. At least for this moment.

•
Practice mindful breathing each day. Focus on where your breath is.

•
Give up control and judgment of the Now. Just observe.

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When you notice your worries about the future, bring your attention back to what is happening in the Now.

•
What is around you? What can you see, hear, touch, smell, feel?

•
Live each day, each moment—if possible—fully aware of the Now.

5: Make the most of now

You are practicing being more aware of the present moment. Each day you are practicing your mindful awareness of the breath. Each day you are shifting your attention to the present moment in front of you. Taking it all in, living and experiencing what is in the Now. Your experience of time is less focused on the distant future, the worries about what may or may not happen, and you are committing to awareness and living where you are, in the Now, for now.

As you are aware of what is happening around you in the present moment, however, you may also notice and say, “But the present moment is boring and empty at times. I have nothing to do. There are times I feel miserable, depressed, empty, and lonely. How can I live in the Now when it really is so lousy?”

These are fair observations on your part and deserve your attention. One way of living in the Now is to plan for many moments that may be difficult. For example, I like to think of having a menu of things I can do that will improve the present moment. This could include talking with my wife, playing with Katie the kitten, listening to music, working out, watching a movie, listening to the news, going for a walk, meditating, breathing in the present moment, cooking food, reading, taking a bubble bath, playing basketball, looking up information, talking to a friend. You need your own menu of things to do in these present moments. Rather than sitting passively and ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, you can spend this present moment doing something that is fun and interesting that involves growth, relaxation and play, or whatever it is that makes a present moment a moment to experience.

Simple things that you can enjoy

Make a list of simple things to do, and keep adding to the list. Assign these things to yourself every day. If possible, ask other people what simple things they have enjoyed doing. Brian noticed that one of his neighbors enjoyed going for long walks in the morning. It wasn’t something he had ever tried. He needed to lose a few pounds and his doctor told him he should exercise, so he began going for walks in the morning. He took his mp3 player and listened to music. He began to walk three miles each day. He was outside, noticing the trees, the sky, the change in seasons. He felt the air against his face in the winter. It woke him up. He listened to music he enjoyed when he was in high school. Brian thought this walking, noticing, listening, and feeling was the best time of the day.

That time was Now.

EXERCISE: FINDING PLEASURABLE ACTIVITIES

Work through the list below to help you find ways to keep your mind busy while you do something pleasurable:

•
Develop a menu of rewarding and pleasurable activities.

•
Keep adding to this menu every week—every day, if you can.

•
When there are moments that you find difficult, turn to your menu and do one of the things listed on there.

•
Stay focused on the activity. Notice if your mind drifts towards worries, and bring your attention back to your activity.

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Each activity is a present moment in a Now that will be gone. Cherish the moment while it lasts.