Killer Queens (17 page)

‘I feel like a bull in a china shop,’ Bob confessed. ‘Everything here’s so dainty and delicate. Scares the hell out of me.’

Lori looked over to Hailey for help, but her sister was fully occupied setting the vase back on the mantelpiece, trying to arrange the roses exactly the way they had been before Randy disturbed them, her back turned to the room. The slogan on Hailey’s pink velour ass turned out to be ‘Princess’: Lori tried not to wince.

‘We
have
to make this work!’ she insisted. ‘You’re my family, Joachim’s my fiancé, he and his mother are trying so hard to make you feel welcome – I know it was totally overwhelming, but that’s my fault. I didn’t think it through. I should have planned it all better. Look, get some rest, have a shower, unpack, I’ll get you sent up some coffee and sodas . . .’

‘They unpacked for us already!’ her mother wailed. ‘They went through all of my clothes! Lori, I couldn’t be more mortified!’

Bob pulled open one of the huge carved doors of the armoire to show his daughter. Sandy’s meagre wardrobe was exposed, a few dresses hanging lonely in the giant cupboard, her sneakers and a sensible pair of two-inch-heeled court shoes below them, her jeans and T-shirts folded neatly in a small stack on the high open shelves lined with scented paper.

‘My
underthings
!’ Sandy was moaning. ‘They folded all my
smalls
up individually!’

‘Hey, I hope they had fun with my Vicky’s Secret push-up bras,’ Hailey said bravely from the fireplace, where she was down on her knees picking up the fire irons.

But it wasn’t the image of her mother’s sensible underpants, double-folded into the little lingerie drawers in the marble-topped chest of drawers, that made Lori’s heart sink. It was the sight of Sandy’s suitcase, stacked away on the top shelf of the armoire, bought new for this trip at the mall, because her parents rarely travelled and obviously wanted to arrive with a nicer set of luggage than their battered old cases; they’d gone to Target and picked up a matching set on sale, Sandy had told her in an email. Dark green, trimmed with a silver metal, it was familiar to Lori because of all the travelling she did; she’d seen that same, supermarket-brand suitcase circulating round a thousand luggage carousels all over the world. By the time her parents got home, the canvas would already be stained, the metal scuffed, the cheap materials betraying all too obviously their chain-store origins. She thought of Joachim’s matched, monogrammed set of Vuitton luggage, and cringed inwardly – not at her parents, but at the sheer scale of the gulf that now existed between their two worlds.

For a moment she was dumb, unable to think of anything to say.

‘
You
fit in here, honey,’ Sandy said, taking Lori’s hand and patting it. ‘Don’t you worry about that. We can see how much they love you. You’ve been all round the world, you’re sophisticated now. You’re not a Dorchester girl any more.’

‘You’ve always been my princess,’ Bob added. ‘Well, you’re going to be a queen now, and I couldn’t be prouder of you. Joe’s getting the best girl in the world.’

‘Hey,’ Hailey muttered. ‘Other daughter alert.’

‘But your mom and I probably should back out of the limelight before we make fools of ourselves,’ Bob continued. ‘Or Randy knocks over some fancy heirloom that costs a million dollars.’

‘We should pack up and go back now before we mess things up for you,’ Sandy said in heartfelt tones. ‘Your new family seems just lovely, hon.’

‘They
are
!’ Lori exclaimed, really worried now. ‘And you have to stay to get to know them a bit better! If you turn round and leave now, I don’t know what I’ll do! You can’t just go like that—’

‘No, she’s right – we can’t!’ Hailey said, and Lori felt herself exhale in relief at having an ally. ‘Mom, Dad, you’re being totally ridiculous, okay? We said we’d come for a week, we all took time off work – which turns out to be, like, incredibly easy when you say you’re going to Europe to meet a king that your sister’s marrying, FYI,’ she added to Lori. ‘My supervisor was like, bring me one back and you can go for a month on full pay!
Any
way, we all scrambled to come over, the whole of Dorchester knows where we are, and we’d look like total failures if we went home as soon as we got here . . .’

This aspect of the situation had not occurred to the other Makarwiczes. They stared at Hailey, Bob and Randy’s large Adam’s apples bobbing as they swallowed hard, her words sinking in.

‘We have to stick it out,’ she insisted. ‘We can’t go home with our tails between our legs. Besides, Mom, Dad—’ she looked at each of them in turn, very pointedly – ‘you were both worrying about Lori getting engaged so fast! Jeez, you’ve been going on and on about it nonstop ever since she told us. I’ve been, like,
switch the channel!
for the last few weeks. And now you’ve got here, you want to go back home before you’ve even had a chance to figure out if Joachim’s a good guy or not, and Lori’s happy?’

She grinned at her sister. ‘
I
think it’s insanely romantic,’ she assured Lori. ‘So no worries here. And Randy doesn’t give a shit, apart from getting a free holiday so soon after coming over for the Olympics. But Mom and Dad have been freaking out.’

‘So you
can’t
go home yet,’ Lori said firmly, very grateful for Hailey’s excellent handling of the situation. ‘I totally get that you’d be worried, that’s only normal. You have to stay and see how great it is here. They all treat me – well, like a queen. Honestly.’

‘They don’t look down on you because you’re American?’ her mother asked timidly.

‘Of course they don’t!’ Lori was genuinely surprised by this idea. ‘They didn’t look down on Grace Kelly when she married the Prince of Monaco, either! Of course, she was a movie star—’

‘And you’re an Olympic athlete, honey,’ her father said with great pride. ‘You deserve to be a princess. You sure as hell look like one right now. All elegant and classy.’

I’ll have to tell them not to say ‘classy’ any more,
Lori thought, making a mental note.
It turns out that if you truly are, you’d never dream of using that word.

‘You do look just beautiful,’ Sandy agreed, looking at her daughter in the sleek Jil Sander navy crepe dress with its flashes of white, the topaz earrings that glowed almost as golden as Lori’s hair.

Even Randy gave Lori the thumbs-up.

‘It’s just a different style here,’ Lori said tactfully. ‘Tomorrow, I’ll take you shopping for some European clothes.’

‘Nothing will fit your father and Randy here!’ her mother said worriedly, but her eyes did light up at the prospect of shopping.

‘The tailors will take their measurements today and get something made in a couple of days,’ Lori promised. ‘You should see how fast they make alterations on my wedding dress and my trousseau. I’m sure they can fix a suit each for Dad and Randy. And of course they’ll sort out your wedding outfits.’

‘What’s a trousseau?’ Hailey asked eagerly, but was overridden by Randy whining:

‘I already got a suit! I don’t need another one!’

‘Oh honey,’ his mother said. ‘Somehow, after seeing Joachim’s get-up today, I don’t really think your Men’s Wearhouse Big and Tall that you got in the Black Friday sale’s going to cut it, do you?’

‘Plus, I can’t drink any more tea from those tiny little cups,’ Bob said decisively, as if that were the line in the sand he was drawing to remain sane. ‘I just can’t. I could barely get my finger through the handle. I was crapping myself the whole time—’

‘
Bob!
’ his wife said crossly.

‘Sorry, honey. But when Joachim’s mom said they were hundreds of years old, and a perfect set, I was, like, kill me now before I fuck this up,’ Bob said, to vigorous nods from his son.

‘Yeah! It was like something in my head told me just to drop the damn thing and get it over with,’ Randy chimed in.

‘You too? Man, I was
this
close!’ his father said, holding up his thumb and index finger, pressed tightly together. Father and son sniggered together.

‘Okay,’ Lori said firmly. ‘No more tea. We can deal.’

‘When can we go shopping?’ Hailey asked excitedly.

But just then there was a knock on the door; all five heads turned as Lori called: ‘Come!’ as she had learned to do. Philippe, Joachim’s private secretary, entered, his dark grey suit discreet but so exquisitely tailored to his slim figure that Lori grimaced for a split-second, vividly imagining the contrast between Philippe and Randy with the latter dressed in his Men’s Wearhouse Big and Tall finest.

‘Hello, Philippe,’ she said.

‘
Bonjour, mam’selle,
’ Philippe replied. Behind his wire-rimmed Maison Martin Margiela glasses, his eyes flashed with considerable interest to Randy for just a moment, clearly focusing on the Big and Tall aspects of Lori’s strapping brother rather than the deficiencies of Randy’s sartorial taste. His gaze returned to Lori, once more a hundred per cent professional, as he said:

‘As you know, I have planned the itinerary for the visit of your family –
bienvenue en Herzoslovakie, mesdames, messieurs –
and His Majesty has just informed me that perhaps the gentlemen would enjoy to participate in some sporting activities during their stay? During his pleasant conversation with the
messieurs,
His Majesty learnt that they delight in the hunting and the shooting in America, and he considers that maybe they would like to join him on a wild boar hunt. Also, possibly, the shooting of the pheasants? It is not the season for the pheasants, of course, but for this special occasion His Majesty is happy to have me arrange it for the gentlemen.’

Lori was familiar by now with Philippe’s habit of using several words where one would do, spoken in a heavy Parisian accent. The other Makarwiczes, however, goggled at this slender, elegant apparition, as dumbstruck as if Philippe had just teleported into the room wearing a Star Trek uniform and holding up his fingers in the Vulcan peace greeting.

‘Wild boar hunt, pheasant shoot, Dad and Randy,’ she translated for their benefit. ‘Wanna go while you’re here?’

‘
Hell
yes!’ the two men chorused in unison, their eyes lighting up.

‘It is perfectly safe,
madame
,
je vous assure
,’ Philippe said smoothly to Sandy, whose eyes had widened nervously at the words ‘wild boar’. ‘The gentlemen will be in no danger at all.’ He allowed himself a small smile. ‘It is not like in the ancient times. We do not hunt here on the horses with the spears.’

‘Oh, good,’ Sandy said feebly. ‘Because they don’t know how to ride. Also, you wouldn’t have horses big enough.’

‘The gentlemen are certainly most magnificently proportioned,’ Philippe commented. ‘It is to be envied. If it is permitted, Her Majesty
la reine douairière
informs me that she will send to your rooms our seamstresses for some initial measurements, as a gesture of hospitality from herself. Perhaps in a few hours, after you have all had time to repose yourselves?’

‘That would be lovely, Philippe,’ Lori said, grateful that the Dowager was forging ahead with this.

‘The ladies will wish to see
Mademoiselle
’s wedding dress,
bien sûr
,’ Philippe said. ‘Some shopping in Valtzers, also, I will arrange. The cousins of His Majesty,
mademoiselles les comtesses
Katya and Kristin, will be very happy to take the ladies on a little tour of our most charming capital.’

‘Shopping sounds great!’ Hailey said enthusiastically to Philippe. ‘And I
love
your accent.’

‘
Mademoiselle
is very kind,’ Philippe said smoothly.

‘Is it, like, French? ’Cause it
sounds
French,’ Hailey went on. ‘But we’re not anywhere near France, are we?’ She looked at her sister.

‘
Mademoiselle
is correct,’ Philippe agreed. ‘We are not near my country, which is indeed
la France
. But,
me voici
! Here I am, all the same.’

‘Countries in Europe are a lot closer,’ Lori muttered to Hailey. ‘It’s like he’s from New York State, working in, uh, Louisiana.’

Philippe smiled politely at the extreme unlikeliness of this comparison.

‘Anyway, he was talking about Katya and Kristin,’ Lori said quickly to her mother and sister, under her breath; Bob and Randy were now pestering Philippe with questions about the boar hunt. ‘They’re Joachim’s cousins – really nice and fun and friendly, you’ll love them. They said they were really keen to spend some girl time with us while you’re here.’

‘Oh, that would be nice,’ her mother said, cheering up at the thought of female company that would be less intimidating than the Dowager Queen’s.

‘Mom, you
have
to stay,’ Lori said in an undertone. ‘I was counting the days till you came. I’d be in pieces if you just turned round and left now.’

‘It’s all so soon,’ her mother said, looking at Lori with worry now for her daughter rather than her own social inadequacies. ‘But, you know, it’s so
romantic
that he’s swept you off your feet – you’re okay, aren’t you?’

‘I am! It
is
romantic,’ Lori assured her. ‘He’s such a gentleman. And they’re taking really good care of me. He said he didn’t mean to propose so fast either, but he just couldn’t help himself.’

‘Oh, that’s lovely,’ Sandy said, her eyes brightening.

‘But I need you guys here too,’ Lori said seriously. ‘I
was
feeling a bit . . . not lonely, exactly, but waking up every morning in a strange country, it’s a shock.’

‘I guess it’s a good thing for you to be staying here,’ her mother said. ‘That way you know what you’re getting into.’

Lori cracked a smile.

‘Exactly,’ she said. ‘And I like it here. I really do.’

‘You can stand living in Europe?’ Sandy asked. ‘It’s all so different!’

Lori’s smile widened. ‘I can,’ she said. ‘Really, I can. I kinda like it. It’s an adventure. And this country is so beautiful.’

‘It sure is,’ her mother said, nodding vehemently. ‘It sure is. And it seems real safe, too.’

‘Hey, fella,’ Bob was saying to Philippe, which made Lori wince but didn’t ruffle Philippe’s immaculate surface at all, ‘this boar hunt? I have another question.’