Kin (30 page)

At this point all three women were standing in front of him in shock. He grabbed his car keys and slammed the door. He jumped into his car and drove as far away from them as possible.

It seemed only minutes later he was parking the car at the bungalow. He knew he stuck out like a sore thumb with his suit on. He avoided the people playing on the beach, edging his way through the trees and followed the path worn smooth by another.

He fell to his knees under the ballerina tree. “Dad. Dad. What am I going to do?”

The branches of the tree hid him from view. He leaned against it and rubbed the earth with his hands. Caroline was buried here somewhere. The only thing that made him feel better was thinking that maybe his dad was with her now. Even if Ewan was Caroline's father, she was Lila's child and David loved and missed her still.

The afternoon sun blazed over the water. He loved to swim on days like this. Instead he was hiding from his family, hiding from himself…lost.

A twig broke behind him and he turned around. There she was.

“I knew you'd come,” she said.

He reached out his arms and she dropped to the ground and held him while he grieved. As he cried, he felt all of the barriers he'd built up around him melting away, and by the time his tears had subsided, he felt as close to Lila as he had the last time they'd been together by the ballerina tree.

Eventually she spoke. “I loved your dad.”

“He was the best.”

“So are you,” she said softly.

David shook his head. “I've made a mess of everything. I ruined your life. I've ruined Kay's life. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.”

She pressed his fist against her heart. “You didn't ruin my life. You gave me my life. My daughter. What if she'd never been born? What if I'd never met her? I have you to thank.”

“Do you think she was mine?”

“My heart says yes. That's all that matters.
I
ruined things, not you. I gave you up. I still can't explain why.”

“Ewan's a better man. You were always going to be better off with him.”

“Ewan is a good man, but David, I loved you first.”

Years of longing exploded then and there. It was as if they were in a breathless race against time. Someone might see, someone might know, but it couldn't be stopped now. They wrestled on the ground, pulling and tugging to get rid of the clothes that kept them apart. They cried out in that shaded spot, whispering against each other's lips, moving together like the tide against the rocks on the shore. The ballerina tree danced above them, the moss gave way below them; the sun warmed their bodies while the wind made them shiver.

David kissed her as if his life depended on it. Now she lay in front of him, for him, giving to him and receiving in return. He had no doubt now. She loved him. She had always loved him.

How do you leave one another when the hunger still burns? They stayed as long as they dared and made plans to meet at the crack of dawn. Lila planned to tell Ewan she needed to rest after such a traumatic day. She often slept upstairs when her mood was low. Ewan would never disturb her and so wouldn't know she was gone so early. David was going to spend the night at the cottage but be at the tree before the sun came up.

He couldn't stop kissing her. She finally had to push him. “Go!”

He weaved his way along the path in a stupor before locking himself in the bungalow. He fell into the nearest bed and sleep rushed up to meet him.

Lila was there when he returned the next morning, the sun still below the horizon. They never said a word to each other. She put her arms around his neck and he picked her up and buried his face in her hair. They collapsed on the ground and spent the entire morning holding each other tight. It was as if he wasn't David and she wasn't Lila. They were strangers, a one-night stand turned on its ear. They had no homes, no families, and no responsibilities. Tomorrow wouldn't come. Nothing would reach out and touch them here. This was their world and no one was allowed in it.

When David came back to his mother's house from the bungalow that afternoon, his mom and Kay were in the back garden and no one else was around. It was a lucky break. He quickly went upstairs and had a shower, then shaved and changed his clothes. He glanced at himself in the mirror and thought he saw his father's face. Out in those woods there were no consequences. Now he was back in the real world and his guts tightened.

When he went back downstairs Kay was alone at the kitchen table looking miserable. The minute she saw him she jumped up and ran over to him.

“You're right! I'm sorry. I've been so stupid, making our lives miserable because of my jealousy when I had nothing to be jealous about. Will you forgive me? I'll stop drinking and we'll move back here and our families will be together. It's what your father would have wanted. I love you, David. I'm never going to make that mistake again. I talked to your mother and sister and they assure me that Lila is happy with Ewan and her life. I see that now. I've been a fool.”

She reached up and kissed him, holding him close. Her familiar scent moved him like it always did, but his heart shut down.

A few hours ago he hadn't been a villain. Now he was fucked.

* * *

Lila watched Ewan sleep. He always worked so hard during the day that when he slept, he never moved. She always thought he had nice lips, not thin lines like some men had, but full, soft lips that touched her with tenderness. She moved over closer to him and kissed his mouth. He didn't respond, just the same even breath in and out. She kissed him again, very quietly, with her lips pressed gently against his, as if testing the waters. How many times could she do this without him waking up?

Only twice more. He stirred and rolled her on her back, his body a familiar weight. Their lovemaking was always quiet and slow; as if he was afraid her heart would race too fast. She tried to speed things along, but he didn't notice. Before he left the bed he stroked her face. “I love you.”

“You too.”

When he left the bedroom, Lila felt that Ewan had failed her test—her unfair, underhanded test.

She went to the ballerina tree for the next two days, but David didn't show up. She knew he was leaving for Montreal soon, and that made things worse. Finally on the third day, he was there. They ran to each other and held on tight.

“I was afraid you'd gone back without saying goodbye.”

“I couldn't get away. I had to help Mom with Dad's estate, such as it is. I'm leaving tomorrow.”

Lila let him go and wrung her hands, pacing back and forth. “You never said what we'd do. How do we do this? How can I not see you for years?”

“I'm moving back home.”

She stopped in her tracks, eyes wide. “You are?”

Before she said anything else, he took her by the hands. “Kay's agreed to move back here with me. She wants to start over, but I can't think about that. The only thing I want to do is move here to be close to you. That's all I can offer right now. I have to resettle my family before I can make any final decisions. You do understand that, don't you?”

Lila looked away.

“I know this is a terrible dilemma. It's tearing me up inside. My dad's dead, everything is a complete mess.”

She placed her cheek against his chest. “Not everything. You'll be here and we'll be able to see each other from time to time. Just knowing that you're on the island and that you love me will keep me going.”

Once more the talking stopped as they breathed each other in. They were frantic, knowing it would be awhile until they saw each other again. There was no time for niceties. In a matter of moments, David had his hands in her hair, pulling her down beside him.

He passed her test with flying colours.

* * *

Colleen had never seen her sister so angry.

“Are you joking?!”

Mom and Dad sat on the sofa together, a united front. Frankie leapt up from the armchair and, for the first time in her life, couldn't contain herself.

“You expect me to move to Cape Breton and leave my school, all my friends, and not to mention my boyfriend—”

“—since when do you have a boyfriend?” Dad asked.

Frankie turned on him. “You don't have a clue about my life. You breeze in, you breeze out. You're only thinking of yourself. What about Mom and the friends she'll leave behind? And what about this house? Our hamsters are buried in the yard! We feel about this place what you feel for Glace Bay. Have you considered that?”

Colleen wanted to speak up and say she was absolutely delighted with the news, but she didn't dare open her mouth.

“I want to move too, Frankie,” Mom said. “Don't forget my family is in Nova Scotia too. When you get older you want to be near the people you love.”

“That's crap!” Frankie yelled. “You don't love your parents! You love Uncle Louis, but he lives in New York. Should we move there instead?”

Dad stood up. “I think you should calm down.”

“Why should I listen to you? You never listen to me! I hate you both!”

Frankie ran out of the room and slammed the front door behind her. They watched as she ran up the street.

Dad took a deep breath. “That went well.”

Despite Frankie's objections, the move proceeded with unseemly haste. While everyone else packed up, Frankie lay on her bed and refused to get up. By the third day, Dad got mad and made her take the stuff out of her closet. Colleen offered to help.

“No, thank you. I know you can't wait to get out of here, you little traitor.”

Colleen sought refuge in the kitchen with Elena, who spent most of her time snivelling into a tissue as she made Colleen's favourite dishes.

“I wish you could come too, Elena.”

“I don't think my kids would be happy if I did that.” She placed a plate of warm tea biscuits topped with butter in front of Colleen, along with her juice, before she sat and patted Colleen's arm.

“I need you to promise me something.”

“Sure,” Colleen said with her mouth full.

“Always be proud of who you are—right this minute. Not someday or one day, but right this minute. You are a wonderful girl just the way you are.”

“Thanks, Elena.”

Mom's high heels announced her arrival. She had a stack of wrapping paper and an empty box in her hands. “Colleen, we just had lunch not an hour ago. Is this really necessary?”

Colleen felt brave because Elena was there. “Yes, it is necessary. This is the last time I'll taste Elena's baking and it makes me feel better.”

“Fine. Just don't complain when you can't get your zipper up. Elena, I'm looking for scissors.”

“They're in the cutlery drawer.”

“Ah, yes.” Mom got the scissors and left the room. Colleen watched Elena's face as her mother disappeared. Wow. Elena didn't like her. That was interesting.

The drive to Cape Breton was a bit of a nightmare. Frankie never opened her mouth or stopped looking out the window. At one stop Dad asked if she'd like an ice cream cone, but Frankie pretended to be asleep. Mom said, “Ignore her.”

Waiting in the store for Dad to pay for two large and one small ice cream cone, Colleen saw Frankie watch them from the car. For the first time in her life, Colleen felt sorry for her.

Moving from a large home in Westmount into their grandmother's house was quite an adjustment. Not that they were going to stay there forever. Dad wanted to buy Mom a house she'd be happy with, and it took the rest of the summer to find one. In the end it was three streets away from Henry and Annie.

Everyone was thrilled, especially Grammie, who confessed to Colleen that having her whole family around made missing Grampy bearable. It was also Grammie, with her obsession for feeding people, who noticed that Frankie wasn't eating.

“Should I say something to your mother? I don't want to worry her.”

“Frankie's in a snit. She'll be fine.”

But she wasn't. When she fainted at the supper table at Aunt Annie's one night, Uncle Henry took her in his office and shut the door. They didn't come out for quite awhile. When she did, Aunt Annie took care of her while Uncle Henry asked to speak to Mom and Dad. Colleen never did find out what he said to them, but whatever it was, it worked.

That night, Colleen peeked down the hall of their new house and saw her parents on Frankie's bed, talking quietly to her. Frankie was crying but calm.

Colleen was glad. It made life so much easier when everyone was happy.

David raised a glass on New Year's Eve to celebrate the new decade. Everyone was gathered at their house for the celebration. Even his in-laws.

“The past ten years have been a difficult time in the world. Three great men assassinated, the Vietnam War, the Manson killings…”

Kay made a face. “Don't bring that up! It's too horrifying.”

“Sorry, you're right.” He cleared his throat. “For us personally as a family, the death of our patriarch is still difficult. We miss him every day. But there have also been hopeful times, like the thrill of men landing on the moon, and best of all…the birth of Leelee!”

“To Leelee!” everyone cheered. The five-year-old clapped her hands and jumped up and down yelling, “Meemee! Meemee!”

“So raise your glasses and let's hope that the seventies bring us happiness and most of all peace. To peace in our world.”

Everyone joined the toast. “To peace in our world.”

There was hardly room to breathe in the house. Annie's boys had brought their girlfriends. Technically, fifteen-year-old Robbie didn't have a girlfriend, but the friend he brought just happened to be a girl. His older brothers gave him a hard time, while his girl friend blushed.

“Knock it off, you knuckleheads, or I start telling the girls your dirty secrets!” Annie warned them.

“You wouldn't dare!” Daniel laughed.

Henry shook his head. “They never learn.”

Annie jumped up from the coffee table where she'd been perched, cigarette in hand, and pointed at Henry. “Remember the time Daniel said he wanted to be a girl because his pee-pee wasn't as big as John's?”

The hooting that followed was deafening. David needed a breather. He went back into the kitchen with empty glasses. Colleen was by the counter with her back to him. He knew in an instant what she was doing: hovering over the pineapple squares Annie brought. No doubt she had one in her mouth now, which was why she wasn't turning around. He never said anything to her about her weight because he always thought Kay said too much. There was no way of broaching the subject without Colleen flying off the handle. It was a topic that simmered under the surface. Perhaps if he talked to her, he could help.

When he put his hand on her shoulder she jumped and quickly wiped the crumbs from her mouth. “You scared me! I'm cutting these up for Aunt Annie. Do you know where Mom keeps the serving trays?”

“No.”

“She doesn't even know where she puts them.”

“Are you okay, Princess?”

Colleen averted his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“You look unhappy most of the time. You can always talk to me.”

Colleen laughed. “Are you kidding? You're never here.” She turned away from him and busied herself getting a glass of water from the tap.

“That's not true.”

Colleen turned off the tap and gave him an incredulous look. “No one is ever here! Frankie's at Dal with all her new best friends and her endless boyfriends who all think she's fabulous, you're always out the door the minute you get home, and Mom's here but she's not because she's too busy lying down or having a headache. Do you have any idea what it's like to live here? I miss the few friends I did have. I haven't made any friends here and I never get invited out. Oh yeah, and I'm fat. Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

David was numb. Was this her life? Why hadn't he noticed?

“Look honey, all teenagers go through difficult times…”

“The only time I'm happy is when I'm out in Round Island but you and Mom are always too busy to go! I don't count! Now I know how Frankie felt when we moved.
Not listened to
!”

She grabbed her coat off the hook and yanked the back door open, leaving it to bang shut.

David tried to gather his wits. He needed to talk to Kay. Did she know this was going on? He turned around and there was his mother-in-law, Virginia, leaning against the dining-room door.

“Your family appears to be going down the toilet.”

“What do you know about it? How can you see through that haze of booze?”

“I may be a drinker, pretty boy, but I'm not blind. This is going to blow up in your face, and I'll be here to take Kay home when it does.”

“What are you talking about?”

Virginia uncrossed her arms and came towards him. “It takes one to know one, David. I visit—what, three times a year at the most, and I can smell it the minute I walk in the door. I see your guilty looks and I hear your excuses. You're not fooling me.”

“Why don't you tell Kay, then, if you're so smart?”

She pointed at him. “Because you forget one thing: even a bad mother will protect her child. I love Kay and there's no way in a million years I'd tell her about you. She doesn't trust me. She'll have to find out for herself.”

Kay and Annie walked into the kitchen still laughing. Annie looked at them and scrunched up her face. “Jesus, what have you two been up to? Lighten up! It's 1970! The next ten years will be the best of our lives!”

* * *

When it all came tumbling down a few months later, it happened so quickly that no one had a chance to stop it. It was almost effortless.

David told Kay he had a meeting in North Sydney. Lila told Ewan she was taking the truck to North Sydney to meet the owner of a craft store who was interested in selling her braided rugs. Kay's friend Linda asked Kay to keep her company while she drove to North Sydney to pick up her sister-in-law's enormous tea urn. She needed it for her daughter's baby shower.

Poor old Linda was oblivious to the couple walking towards the motel room with a key. She was watching the road. Poor old Kay did a double take before she sat back, frozen in her seat. She stayed in the car while Linda ran her errand but had one request when Linda started for home.

“Let's go for a drink.”

* * *

When David got home, Colleen met him at the door with a tear-streaked face.

“She's drunk! She promised me she wouldn't do it again but obviously booze means more to her than I do.”

David knew he was caught. He put his hand on Colleen's shoulder. “Your mother and I love you more than life itself. Believe me when I say that this has nothing to do with you. I want you to take the car and go over to Aunt Annie's, please. I need to be alone with your mom.”

“Don't you go anywhere!” Kay slurred.

David and Colleen turned around at the sound of her voice.

“You see!” Colleen cried. “I hate her like this! Stop it, Mom!”

“I think you mean stop it, Dad. Stop fucking the crazy lady who lives on a farm.”

“Why are you doing this, Mom? Stop swearing. You're hurting me.”

Kay emptied her wineglass. “I don't hurt you. That's Daddy's job. He hurts people all the time. He's hurt me for years and what do I do? I believe him when he tells me there's nothing going on. What a dope! What a stupid fool! My husband spends his days in bed with another woman and then comes home for dinner like it never happened. Who
does
that?!” She threw the wineglass at him and narrowly missed hitting Colleen before it broke on the wall behind her.

Colleen looked at him. “That's not true.”

He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't protect her. “It's true.”

The look on his daughter's face told him what a bastard he was. Never in a million years would his father have done that to Annie. Colleen took the car keys and walked out the door. He knew she'd be safe with his sister. He turned to look back at Kay.

“I'm sorry. It's my fault. You did nothing wrong, Kay. You fell in love with a guy who doesn't deserve you.”

She walked up to him and slapped him across the face. “Do you have any idea what it's like to make love to a man who never stops thinking about another woman? Even when he begs you to believe him and you want to believe him but you know. You
know.
You crawl into bed every night so he can love your body but not you. I'm your whore, David.”

“Don't say such awful things. You're not a whore.”

She poked him hard in the chest. “I
feel
like one, and that's your fault.”

* * *

Colleen had to go somewhere before she went to Aunt Annie's. The roads were slick and she wasn't used to driving at night, especially on such dark roads. She skidded a few times, which gave her a fright, but she didn't slow down. It's not like anyone would notice if she ran into a ditch.

She missed the driveway and had to turn around, which wasn't easy because she couldn't see the edge of the road in her father's car. Luckily another car wasn't coming the other way. She fishtailed into the farmer's driveway and gunned the engine up the hill, nearly smashing into the back of their truck.

Dogs started to bark and she saw a shadow look out the window. Colleen wasn't sure which door to use, but it didn't matter. She wasn't going to knock.

The back door opened just as she got there and a man stood peering out into the night with two border collies at his feet.

“Can I help you? Did your car break down?”

“My car didn't break down. My whole life did.”

“Who is it, Ewan?”

Colleen pushed past Ewan and walked into the living room where Aunt Annie's best friend sat with her knitting. A look of fright crossed her face.

“Excuse me,” Ewan said. “What are you doing?”

Colleen had a hard time catching her breath. She wanted to yell at this woman, but she kept gulping for air and no sound came. Her heart was beating too fast, so she turned around and tried to run out of the kitchen. Both the farmer and the farmer's wife told her to sit down and breathe slowly. They pulled up a chair and sat her in it. The woman—she couldn't remember her name—poured her a glass of water. She didn't want it. What was she doing here? Where was she? She needed to get home but then she remembered what was going on at home and got too hot. Her fingers clawed at her neck. The woman helped her open her coat and unbutton the top of her blouse.

“You're going to be fine, Colleen. I know it feels like it but you're not going to die. You're not having a heart attack. It's a panic attack and it will subside in a minute.”

Colleen didn't want this woman to be nice, but her words helped. She wasn't going to suffocate in a stranger's house after all.

“I need to go,” she croaked. Colleen felt tears roll down her face, but it didn't seem like she was crying.

“Is this David and Kay's daughter Colleen?” Ewan asked. “What are you doing driving out here alone at night?”

Colleen looked at the woman. The woman answered.

“She's come to tell you that David and I are having an affair. She's come to tell you that she hates me and she hates her dad. She's come to tell you that her mother is hurting and she's hurting and she wants you to hurt too. Have I got that right, Colleen?”

Colleen nodded.

The man didn't say anything. The only sound was the clock ticking.

“I think this little girl has been through enough tonight,” he said. “I'll drive her home in her car and you follow me in the truck.”

And that's what happened.

He didn't say anything on the way back, other than to ask if she was cold and would she like him to turn up the heat. She nodded at that. Colleen turned around and looked at the truck's headlights glaring behind them. The man was calm and that made her calm.

She asked to be dropped off at her Aunt Annie's. When they arrived, he took the car keys out of the ignition and gave them to her.

“I'm sorry you've had such a bad day, Colleen. I hope tomorrow is better.”

“You've had a bad day too.”

He smiled sadly and got out of the car. Then he went to the truck and got into the driver's seat as the woman slid over to the passenger side. Colleen watched their headlights disappear in the dark.

Through the door she saw Aunt Annie sitting at the kitchen table with curlers in her hair, flipping though a magazine. She licked her fingers and then picked up another sugar doughnut. When Colleen opened the door she looked up, startled.

“Hi, honey,” she mumbled before she swallowed her mouthful. “I didn't know you were coming. Would you like a doughnut?”

Colleen couldn't hold it in any longer. She covered her face with her mitts and wept. Aunt Annie hurried over and held her in her arms. “There, there, pet. Whatever it is, it's going to be all right.”

Colleen shook her head. Nothing was going to be all right ever again.

* * *

Henry said he'd sit with Colleen while Annie went over to David's. She didn't take the car, choosing instead to walk over and try to let off steam, completely forgetting she had a head full of curlers. She was so angry at David and Lila that she wanted to spit. So she did, right in the street. She didn't realize she was marching up the middle of the road until a car honked at her to get out of the way. She moved aside but gave the driver the finger as he went by.

She barged into the house without knocking and threw her coat on the floor. “Kay! I'm here, Kay!”

On her right was her brother, sitting on the living room sofa, his hands at his sides, looking at nothing. He didn't seem to notice her so she walked across the rug and shoved his shoulder so he'd look at her.

“Hey there! How are ya, you no-good, dirty rat? If you're worried about Colleen, she's bawling her eyes out at my house. Apparently she drove to Lila's, by herself, in the dark, on icy roads, because her father destroyed her family. And good old Ewan…kind, trusting, wonderful man that he is, drove his wife's lover's daughter home because he wanted to know she was safe. I'm wondering if you're picking up on what I'm trying to tell ya here. You, on the one hand, are a selfish bastard, while Lila's husband is a prince. I hope he walks out on her and never comes back. In the meantime, I'm going to take the mother of your children with me so she doesn't have to see your stinkin' face, and I will do everything in my power to get her and Colleen packed up and moved out of Glace Bay before the end of the week. Have fun sitting here by yourself, you goddamn loser.”