King Cave (25 page)

I curled up in response to the tight ache stretching to not only my back, but to my legs as well, and I cried softly for children I had never imagined I would want.

King Kincaid didn’t try to make anyone leave this time, but sat on the chair with his head in his hands, bowed, just as everyone else did — they weren’t leaving me, but gave me a semblance of privacy. Jack held Pearl when she began gently crying, his own face turned away from everyone as he rubbed her back in soothing motions.

Ezra peered up to me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears as he gently wiped mine away, then lay his head next to my shoulder, eyes steadfast on mine, and murmured with a hoarse voice, “Pain should always be remembered.”

My smile was bittersweet and watered down by more tears. “Well, that, and the fact hope will always be that eternal bitch when she turns a deaf ear.”

“And luck,” he whispered, nodding, his head rubbing against my arm as he flicked a finger under his eye when a single tear escaped, swiftly making it disappear as if it were never there. “Luck never knows the right time to give or take.”

Gritting my teeth, I breathed heavily as my uterus contracted. “Irony.” Breathing deeply through the ache that was nowhere near as bad as my thoughts. “It’s a twisted fucker.”

His eyes closed briefly and again he nodded, his jaw clenched. “Irony is definitely one sick mother-fucker.” Bright green, bloodshot eyes opened, meeting my own. The backs of his fingers ran over my cheeks, wiping away the wetness. “It’s nothing compared to happiness.”

I snorted through gritted teeth. “What happiness?”

“Exactly.”

“Reality interrupts—” Jaw clenching, my nostrils flared as I felt a gush of blood flow.

A whisper. “Life.” His blink was slow. “The mother of all bitches.”

“And the beauty?”

“Its absence is duly noted.”

“Only to be found by those later.”

Another swipe of my cheeks. “Once they’ve suffered to the point they scream for death.”

“Full circle.”

His hand found mine in a gentle hold. “Pain needs to be felt.”

Once it was determined I had fully lost them, the Elders and Kings silently left the room after each one pulled me into a bear hug. Even Cahal. Bindi glanced around at the remaining occupants — Pearl, Jack, and Ezra — before delicately clearing her throat and saying, “Ms Ruckler, I’d like to talk with you privately.” She held the door wide open for them to leave.

I shook my head on the pillow, not wanting to move further. “Just shut the door. They may hear whatever you have to say.” My voice and heart were empty, void of caring about a damn thing right now. Including hurting Bindi’s feelings when she cleared her throat again, peering at me pointedly. “I said shut the fucking door.”

She stiffened, eyeing me, but did as told. The door was firmly shut, and she sat, her eyes flashing gold. The walls were suddenly encased in a sparkling gold protection, soundproofing the room. She tilted her head at the door. “They’re still out there.” Hands primly folded on her lap, she stared. “Your tubes were magically tied.”

I stared back. “Yes, they are, so how the hell did this happen?”

Her lips pinched. “During your exam, I took a few shots of them to study during the wait. What I found was that they have grown back together.” She paused. “The likely reason for this is that you didn’t wait the recommended period after the procedure for intercourse.”

A slow blink. “Recommended period?”

“The surgeon didn’t tell you?”

My eyes closed as I shook my head. The surgeon hadn’t known what he had even done because of the spell, therefore he wouldn’t have known what instructions to give me. “How long should I have waited?”

“At least three days,” she murmured absently. “The spell was there, but broken.”

Opening my eyes, I met her dumbfounded gaze. “I didn’t wait three days.” This situation was no one’s fault, and it made it even worse having no one to blame. “Can you correct the procedure? Fix where my tubes have reconnected?”

Her face went blank. “You still want your tubes tied?”

The answer was easy. “Yes. I’m not ready for children.” What was no longer clear was if I would ever want to have children in the future. But I never wanted the possibility of creating one of those Beasts with a Com. My tubes needed to be tied.

“You’ve just gone through a traumatic event, perhaps you should—”

“She said she wants it,” Ezra stated gruffly, cutting her off. “Can you do it or not?”

A deep breath. “Yes, I can do it.”

“Confidentially? Or do I need to have a spell put on you?” I scented the air, waiting for her response.

Her eyes narrowed. “Confidentially, of course. I never disclose information about my patients.”
Truth.

“Good.” I rolled, pulling the blanket up higher on my shoulder. “I want it done today.”

An extended pause. “Okay, Ms Ruckler.” She cleared her throat. “To reiterate: you should not have sex, or do any extraneous activity, within the next three days.” She made an odd noise in her throat. “Also, the procedure can be reversed once you decide you’re ready for children.” She stood by the door, her hand on the doorknob. “I’ll be back in less than an hour to begin.”

The next three days were a blur in wretched time.

My best friends stayed with me during my stint in the medical ward, in which I spent a full day after my procedure. Bindi told everyone who came to see me — none of whom I allowed into my room as I was in no mood to talk with anyone — that I was recovering. She left it at that, letting them make their own assumption that I was recovering from miscarrying.

In truth, I was.

Just as I spent the next two days recovering lying in my own bed.

As did Ezra.

We barely moved, the TV on constantly as background noise, while our positions with Jack and Pearl were reversed. In retrospect, that time was the true turning point for them in their loss-filled attentions. They pushed aside their month-old hurt to take care of us with our unexpected losses. Slowly, my crying jags became shorter and Ezra’s bouts of silence became fewer while they watched over us, forcing us to eat three meals a day and to talk to them, getting directly in our faces at certain points when we didn’t even realize they were speaking.

The Kings let us be, more than likely because when a knock came at Ezra’s or my door, it was firmly ignored. We had no wish during that period to speak with anyone but Jack and Pearl, who wouldn’t allow us to ignore them, even if they had no real clue how to console us, this incident one none of us ever expected to experience.

On the third day of our self-confinement, the day that Ezra and I both rolled out of bed at different points and made ourselves get ready to face the world, we eventually sat on the black leather couch at different ends, our expressions guarded as we watched each other. Over the three days, this had been building slowly. Some may say it was a stage in the grieving process, but this was new to us as both of us experienced a hurt separate from what we had ever felt before.

First, it came by us scooting farther away from each other in bed. After that, our gazes would never quite meet. Lastly, we stopped talking to one another completely. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jack and Pearl, both of whom had tried to get us to speak to one another, and, now, they hurriedly exited our bedroom, seeing Ezra and I were ready to discuss our issues.

I wasn’t sure how much discussing was going to happen, but I had to give it a shot. I loved Ezra. He was my best friend. So it had to be done, instead of stuffing our issues under a rug to hopefully be forgotten, as I did with any other lover. Clearing my throat, my gaze strayed from him to the wall over his shoulder. “This wasn’t an issue either of us planned for.”

“No.” His voice was gruff and low, his eyes dropping to his lap. “Not at all.” A pause. “I realize you already know this, but it still needs to be said.” Another pause. “I don’t blame you, Lily.” My breath caught as I scented his
truth
. And, yes, I had already known this, but it helped my soul hearing him say it. “Before, you had told me the surgeon was under a spell. Neither of us thought of the consequences to that.”

“Thank you,” I murmured, my gaze dropping to my own lap, trying to blink back tears mixed with relief and condemnation, which were trying to escape. “I appreciate you saying that.”

A minute of silence passed as we tried to collect ourselves.

“Ezra…” I swallowed, not sure of exactly what I wanted to say other than the obvious. “I love you.”

“I know, sweetheart,” he whispered. “I love you, too.” He stood abruptly, beginning to pace in front of the couch. “But, I can’t…” He cleared his throat hard, turning to face me, and waited for my eyes to meet his. “Lily, I do love you, but I can’t handle a sexual relationship with you right now.” His green gaze never wavered. “This was just too…”

“Much,” I whispered, finishing the sentence for him, nodding. “I understand.”

“I’m not saying never again, just not right now. I can’t…” He shook his head. “I can’t handle it.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he glanced away. “This excuse is as old as it is lame, but it’s the truth.” Another clearing of his throat. “It’s not you, it’s me.”

I held up a hand, stopping him from saying anything further, while letting my head fall back so I could stare at the ceiling. “I said I understand. I need time away from you, too. I don’t blame you any more than you blame me, but I just need,” my lips pinched, “time.” Our emotions were too raw for us to be as we were before. And really, we had just fallen into one another. Our blinders were up, blocking out any other partner around us, but we hadn’t meant it to happen to the extent we didn’t even realize I was pregnant. After many hours of late-night contemplation these past few days, I realized that there had been signs, such as me eating twice as much food as Ezra and Jack combined, plus — the most obvious sign — my absent period.

Sighing heavily, his voice choked. “It’s hard.”

I understood that, too. “The ‘what-ifs’ are killing me.” They were. Before I had gone into the sparring ring with Elder Merrick, I had felt only slightly queasy, probably no more than a normal pregnant woman would. But, after the fall…

Sitting heavily on the couch, Ezra let his head fall back like mine and stared at the ceiling. “I keep thinking about what they would have looked like.” His tone was void. Monotone. “If they would have been small and beautiful like you. Or brutes like me. What skin tone they would have had — my dark or your light or a mixture. Or their eye color — blue, or green, or maybe a grandparent’s dark color. Whether they would have been boys or girls or one of each.” He sighed, the sound shaky and nothing like his voice. “Did you know twins are even rarer for Mysticals than they are for Commoners? Usually, they’re more powerful than a singleton.”

“No. I didn’t know.” It was a whisper. My breath was as shaky as his. “They would have been beautiful and perfect.”

“I know.” A hard sniff. “I fucking know.” He blurred, his face suddenly over mine and his hand cupping the back of my head. Our gazes held, the knowledge there of our shared loss. Gradually, he set his forehead against mine. “So we’re on a mutual break from each other.”

It wasn’t a question, but I quietly replied, “Yes. I think that’s for the best.” I knew it was.

He nodded slightly, his forehead rubbing against mine. Deliberately moving slowly, he lowered his mouth, giving me plenty of time to pull back if I wished. But I didn’t want to. He and I hadn’t kissed since we had found out I was pregnant. I wanted this last touch before our hiatus.

Lifting my hands, I rested them on his cheeks, cupping his face as our lips brushed softly. It was so delicate and tender, our mouths molding just as perfectly as they always did, that I trembled under him, matching the way his hand began shaking on the back of my head. His fingers tightened for the briefest moment, and his lips pressed harder against mine, before he pulled back. My hands slid down his cheeks, falling to my lap.

He took a few steps backward, peering away from me while rubbing the back of his neck. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t flaunt any of your lovers in front of me.” He cracked his neck. “I’m thinking that might bother me.” He cracked his neck the other way. “I’ll do the same for you.”

My gaze fell to my lap as I twisted my fingers around each other. “I’m not plan—”

“Don’t, Lily,” he cut me off. “We both know the truth of each other.”

Oddly, the silence was heavier than it had been before. But I nodded jerkily. “If I have sex with anyone, I won’t make a display of it.” It was about respect now.

“Thank you,” he stated gruffly. He walked toward the door. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” I watched him disappear out of our bedroom. The door shut quietly. “Later.”

As I walked to the dining hall — alone — many watched me. It reminded me of the time Ezra and I had made this trek over three weeks ago. That time, they had stared and waited for us to yell at one another, but this time, their gazes held only sympathy — the gossip had made its rounds — as they watched to see if I would break down in front of them. But I didn’t. I was stronger than that now, my three days of sobbing done. I needed to re-enter life in some way — my previous loss of my mate and, before him, my mother, had taught me that the faster I was able to get back into the swing of things, the quicker my life would turn around by force of mundane issues.