Kismetology (31 page)

"I thought his name was Stu."

"Obviously, that’s just a typo because the only name he
seems to have is Stud."

"
The
Stud," I correct her.

"What do you have to say for yourself, young
lady?"

"I met him very briefly, we didn’t exactly have a
chance to ask for things like names," I offer.

"Well, I hope you investigated tomorrow night’s guy
more thoroughly. I thought the whole point of this was so that I didn’t have to
date the idiots."

"Sorry, Mum. But I’m sure you’ll like Jack. He’s very
nice."

"The way this week is shaping up, I’ll believe that
when I see it."

"Oh, he’s very interesting."

"I don’t care about interesting, Mackenzie. I care
about nice, or at this stage, even tolerable will do."

"Do you know what he asked me?" Mum yells down the
phone on Wednesday night. "Do you?"

I shrug. By the tone of her voice, I’d guess that he asked
her to pee on him.

"He asked if he could come to the bathroom with me and
watch while I, you know," she lowers her voice. "Did a number
one."

"He didn’t?" I try to sound shocked.

"He did."

"Did you let him?"

"Are you kidding me, Mackenzie? What kind of woman do
you think I am? Of course I didn’t let him."

"Okay," I say. "But you can never be sure
about these things."

"Pfft."

"Well, I’m sorry," I say. "I didn’t know Jack
had such, um, interesting hobbies."

"What is going on this week, Mac? If it’s not a Jesus freak,
it’s a
freak
freak."

"Don’t worry, tomorrow night you have Evan. Evan is
really nice. A real keeper. You’ll like Evan."

"Yeah," she says. "I bet."

CHAPTER 49

"Evan could have been
worse," Mum says on the phone on Wednesday night.

"I beg your pardon?"

What
? Did I just hear that right?

"Evan was very nice actually. I quite like him."

"You like him?"

"Yes."

"Evan?"

"Yes."

"Are we talking about the same Evan?"

"I think so. Why? Didn’t you think I’d like him?"

"To be honest I thought I was scraping the barrel a
little with Evan, but I did want you to meet a range of men so I thought it
wouldn’t do any harm to meet him. He wasn’t my first choice though, no."

"Oh. Well, I think he was rather nice."

Hmm. Maybe it’s just young people Evan propositions in
restaurants. Maybe he wants more than a blowjob from women of his own
generation.

"You’re not going to see him again, are you?" I
ask worriedly.

"I don’t really know," she says. "He gave me
his phone number, so I may give him a call later in the week, see if he wants
to get together sometime."

"You really shouldn’t do that."

"I don’t see why not. You wanted me to meet men that I
connect with, and I have. What more do you want?"

"I just think you can do better than Evan," I say,
not wanting to blow my cover.

"I thought Evan was lovely," she says. "But
enough about it. What’s Warren like for tomorrow night?"

Oh, the fake guy. "Um… Very nice," I start.
"Nice looking and he likes animals." That is what I wrote on her schedule,
isn’t it?

"Well, he sounds nice," she says. "I think
they’re looking up a bit."

"Enjoy the date," I say.

And please don’t call Evan.

"He didn’t turn up," Mum announces on our doorstep
on Thursday night.

"Come in," I say, stepping back from the door.

"I sat in Dine Dee-Vine for an hour on my own, and he
didn’t show up."

"That’s terrible."

"How could he do this to me?"

"Don’t worry, it’s his loss," I say.

"How rude," Dan says. He winks at me.

"Knock it off," I hiss in his ear while Mum takes
her shoes off. "She’s upset."

"He never existed," Dan whispers.

"Shut up. You’re the one who suggested I try to drive
her back to Ron."

"I can’t believe he just didn’t turn up. Without so
much as a phone call. What a horrible man." Mum comes into the living room.

"Yes," I say. "Absolutely horrible. You’re
better off not meeting someone like that."

"I thought you said he was nice."

"He was, but if he’s going to stand you up then he
obviously isn’t worth the time or trouble."

"I suppose you’re right."

"Never mind though. Tomorrow night’s one is a real
winner."

"Oh, Norman. What’s he like?"

I resist the urge to say
walking corpse
.

"We saw a great movie the other day," Dan butts
in. "It was called
Night of the Living Dead
."

I smack his thigh way harder than I intended to and give him
one of my own
looks
.

"I’m not really into horror films," Mum says,
obviously missing the joke.

"Norman is very nice," I say, looking pointedly at
Dan. "Very nice indeed. You’ll like him."

"Well, he’ll be an improvement on tonight if he so much
as turns up."

"Sorry about that," I tell her. "I’ll have to
get in touch with Warren and see where he got to."

"Don’t bother," Mum says. "I don’t want to
meet anyone who’s going to stand me up on a first date."

"That’s good," I say. "Not dating guys who
don’t deserve you. That’s progress."

That’s also good because Warren never existed.

"Thank you so much for all the dates this week,
Mac," Mum says sweetly on the phone after Friday night’s date. "I’ve
finally found someone wonderful."

"You have?" I ask, wracking my brains.
"Who?"

"Evan."

"Evan. But he’s—"

"Perfect. I know."

"No! He’s—"

"He’s wonderful," she says. "So kind and
thoughtful."

"You can’t—"

"I can’t believe how lucky I was to meet him. Thank you
so much for finding him for me."

"No—"

"We’re going out again tomorrow night. He’s going to
take me back to his place and cook dinner. He’s such a sweetheart."

"What about Norman?" I ask desperately.
"Tonight’s date? He was nice."

"Oh, Norman was mummified. I fell asleep somewhere
between starters and the main course. But Evan is just lovely. I called him
earlier and we both decided we’d like to see each other on a more permanent
basis."

"Mum, you—"

"Oh, Baby’s crying. I must go. I’ll talk to you
tomorrow. Byeeee."

The dial tone sounds in my ear. Shit. My own mother just
hung up on me. And she’s dating Bristol’s biggest pervert. Shit. How did this
plan go so wrong?

I stomp round there on Saturday morning.

"Mum, you can’t go out with Evan tonight."

"Why not?"

"Because he’s horrible."

"He is not. Mackenzie, I’m ashamed of you. How can you
say that? Evan is the sweetest man I’ve met so far."

"No, he’s not. He’s awful."

"Then why would you set me up on a date with him?"

I sigh. I should have known this plan would backfire
spectacularly.

"The dates this week weren’t for real," I admit
finally. "I just wanted to make you realise what a catch you had with Ron,
so I set you up with the worst men I could find. You weren’t supposed to fall
for them."

"Mac, how stupid do you think I am? I’d figured out
your little plan by Tuesday."

"So, why are you dating Evan?"

"I’m not dating Evan. Evan asked me to suck his
you-know-what under the table. I threw a glass of wine in his face and walked
away. I just thought I’d say it to wind you up."

"You’re joking."

"Nope." She shakes her head proudly.

"But… But…" I keep opening my mouth like a fish
but no words come out.

"What? You think little old mummy can’t get one up on
you too?"

"No, I just…"

"You have to admit that was pretty good."

"It was," I say eventually. "You really had
me going there."

"Good," she says. "It serves you right for
trying to make me date such morons."

"So, did it work?" I ask. "Don’t you realise
how perfect Ron was now?"

"It made me realise how perfect someone is," she says
quietly. "But it’s not Ron."

"You’re kidding. Who is it?"

"I’m not telling you."

"It’s not Baby, is it?"

"Baby is special in his own way, but no, it’s not
Baby."

"Who is it then? Tell me."

"Nope."

"Are we back to the mystery man I’ve been trying to
find for months?"

"We might be," she says. She’s doing this on
purpose now. She just wants to wind me up with all the cryptic answers and
mysterious looks.

"Tell me one thing," I say. "I don’t want to
know who it is. I don’t care anymore. But tell me one thing. Tell me why you
won’t tell me."

"Because I don’t want to give you the
satisfaction."

I repeat this over in my head. She doesn’t want to give me
the satisfaction.

"It
is
Ron, isn’t it?" I ask. "Because
it would give me immense satisfaction to see you two back together."

"Nope, it’s not Ron. And I’m not telling you who it
is."

"Is it Dad, then? You don’t want to tell me because I
was barking up the right tree all along?"

"Nope. We’ve had this conversation, Mackenzie. I don’t
want to see your father again for as long as I live."

"But I can help," I whine. "I can find him
and fix you guys up. I just want you to be happy."

"I’ll be very happy when I’ve been to the hairdressers
this afternoon, so if you don’t mind, I have to get ready to go out." Mum
walks to the front door and holds it open for me.

"Are you throwing me out?"

"I’m saying that I have to get ready for my hair
appointment, so you may as well leave. I’ll talk to you tonight."

"Huh. Fine," I say. "See you later."

Buggering hell, I’m annoyed. This mystery man is still in
the picture, I’d be very satisfied to know who it is, and it’s not Ron, Dad, or
Baby. Who the hell is it, then? What am I missing here? The only other person I
can think of is Neil, the old boyfriend, and I’m fairly sure that it’s not him
either. So who is he? Who is this guy? And why would I be very satisfied to
know who he is? It has to be my father or Ron. It just
has
to be.

CHAPTER 50

Dan and I are just getting ready to
go to bed when the phone rings that night.

"Hello," I answer.

"Hello, may I please speak to Mackenzie Atkinson?"

"Speaking. Who is this?"
And why are you
calling me at eleven o’clock on a Saturday night? Don’t you bloody
telemarketers ever sleep
?

"Ah, Miss Atkinson. Your mother asked me to call you.
I’m Nurse Winston from Bristol General Hospital."

The words
mother
and
hospital
register in my
brain.

"Oh my god," I say. "Is everything okay?
What’s wrong?"

"Now don’t worry," she says. "It’s nothing
serious. Your mother was admitted to A & E tonight for a rather severe
asthma attack."

"Oh my god. Is she okay?"

"She’s fine, she’s fine. We’ll be releasing her shortly
and she asked me to call you to find out if you would come and pick her
up."

"Of course," I say. "I’ll be right there.
Tell her to wait for me. Are you sure she’s okay?"

"Yes, yes. We’ve just told her to take it easy for a
couple of days. Her inhaler had run out, you know?"

"Yeah, she hasn’t had any problems with the asthma in
about eight years."

"Well, you should make sure that she always has an in
date inhaler on her."

"I will," I say, shocked. "The drive is going
to take me about half an hour." If I’m thinking of the right hospital,
otherwise it may take me all night. "I’ll be there as soon as I can."

"What?" Dan asks, looking annoyed.

"My mum," I say, jumping up and looking around for
my trainers. "She had an asthma attack, she’s in the hospital."

"Oh. Is she okay?"

"The nurse said she’s fine."

"Then where are you going?"

I stare at him a moment. "I’m going to pick her
up."

"I thought you said she was okay?"

"She is."

"So let her get a fucking taxi. Come to bed."

"Are you kidding me?"

"What? Why?"

"My mum is in A & E, and all you can think about is
going to bed with me?"

"Why do you have to pander to her every need, Mac? Why
do you have to run out at all hours just because she coughed once?"

I stop rushing around trying to find my coat, shoes, car
keys and handbag all at once and glare at him. "She had an asthma attack,
Dan. One serious enough for her to be admitted to hospital."

"What it comes down to is one thing: who is more
important to you—me or her?"

"Are you serious?"

He shrugs.

"I don’t have time for this, Dan," I say, finally
locating the car keys. "I’ll talk to you later."

I’m seething as I get in the car and start driving. How dare
he pull that one on me? How dare he try the ultimatum angle? Who does he think
he is? I’m so angry that I may be going a little over the speed limit.
Thankfully there are no cops around and the roads are surprisingly quiet for a
Saturday night. And I really wish my stupid little car had satellite
navigation. I’m driving in the general direction of where I think the hospital
is. It does take a good half an hour to get there, but I’m lucky not to have
hit any traffic jams. Maybe karma is on my side for once.

I throw the gear into park, and aim the keyring somewhere
over my shoulder to lock the car behind me as I run into the hospital.

"My mum was admitted here tonight," I pant to the
receptionist. "Eleanor Atkinson."

"Oh." The receptionist smiles. "You must be
Mackenzie."

I’m taken aback that she knows my name, but I nod.
"Yes," I say. "I’m Mackenzie. Is my mother okay?"