Kiss Me, Katie (12 page)

Blake looked pained. “What if that’s what we’ll have together and we never find out because you leave?”

“Blake, listen to yourself. Do you realize what you’re asking? Do you understand what I would be giving up? You’re not hiring the band to stay on the tour, but you think that I should stay behind while they go on home? If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you think we have an irreplaceable love, that you could make a real commitment to me and to this relationship, then I will stay. I will give everything up. I really will, because I believe that finding your one true love is that important. It’s too rare to pass up. But if you can’t, then I’m afraid I have to go home. Listen, I know it’s a lot to ask, and it’s way too soon to be deciding if we love each other. I just can’t give up my entire career for anything less. I hope you understand.” Katie held her breath, hopeful that he would say the right thing, terrified that he would let her down.

This was soon, maybe too soon, to start talking about love, but he was asking her to give up everything else that she cared about. Surely he could understand that. She watched Blake open his mouth and then close it, hesitant to speak. His blue eyes were intense, full of emotion, and her heart swelled.

Katie was so sure that Blake would declare his love for her that she could almost hear the words. Blake took a deep breath. “I’m sorry sweetheart, but I can’t tell you that yet. I care for you, a lot, and I want you to stay. I’m sorry.”

Katie pulled her hand away from Blake’s as though shocked. “You’re sorry? Sorry? Just a couple of days ago you were telling me how you were hoping to find a wife
.
A
wife
. Now you can’t even tell me that you think you might someday love me.” She blinked, unable to move, unwilling to believe that she had just opened up her heart to him only to have him refuse her.

“I thought that you would want to stay with me, but I guess I was wrong. I can’t promise you anything, and I guess I can’t tell you what you need to hear.” Blake’s voice was so low that Katie strained to hear him. He seemed almost ashamed of himself. Katie let out a long, slow breath. She sat across from Blake, stunned, truly surprised that he had not offered more of an explanation.

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say to me? You know, Blake,
you know,
how difficult it’s been for me to find someone who understands that what I’m doing with the band is a part of who I am, someone who won’t be jealous or minimize its importance. You of all people should know where I’m coming from. The fact that you would so carelessly ask me to toss it aside for nothing in return is unspeakably selfish. I thought you were different. I really did, but it’s clear to me that you’re the same as every other guy.”

There was no use in discussing it further. Katie had embarrassed herself enough, practically issuing an ultimatum, begging him to love her, and Blake had offered nothing in return. Nothing more than an opportunity to see if maybe they had something special, while she left her career behind and he continued to strengthen his. The more she thought about it, the more hurtful it became. He honestly thought that she would give up her chances of becoming successful with her band for a chance to ride around on his tour bus.
His
tour bus.
Her
bus would be rolling back to Texas and taking her career with it.

“I’d like to go back to my bus now. It’s late, and I have a lot to think about,” Katie said. She held her head high, determined not to cry or show how hurt she was despite her wavering voice. She had never laid her feelings bare like that before and to have them refused was devastating.

“Katie,” Blake began, his eyes pleading. He reached out to put his hand on her shoulder and she shrugged out of his reach.

“No, I think I need to go. Please take me.” She insisted, her voice calm despite the storm brewing inside her, threatening to break her heart. He looked like he wanted to say more but stopped himself.

“Okay,” he whispered. Blake picked up his keys off the counter and made his way around the house, checking locks and turning off lights. “Let’s go.”

They drove back to the buses in silence, stubbornly avoiding eye contact with one another. Katie stared straight ahead as they made their way through Nashville traffic, concentrating on keeping her breathing even and her tears held back. She clasped her hands tightly together on her lap and promised herself that she would not cry in front of Blake. She had told him what she wanted from him, what she needed from him, and he had refused. He couldn’t even offer an explanation, so there was nothing more to say. He obviously didn’t feel as strongly for her as she thought, and she would not further humiliate herself by showing how much it hurt.

When they arrived in the parking lot, Katie was relieved to see a flurry of activity around the buses. The drivers and security team members were completing their safety checks and preparation for the drive to Memphis. That meant that they would be heading out soon and she would be one more show closer to the end of the tour by this time tomorrow night. She would put this tour and thoughts of Blake Jackson behind her.

Blake tried to take Katie’s hand but she gently pulled away from him. “Can we talk about this?”

His voice was husky with emotion, but Katie resisted the urge to fall into his arms. She thought of all that she was leaving behind, how the rest of the world fell away when she was in his arms, her cheek resting on his chest, the stubble on his chin catching in her hair, and gave in to her tears. She drew the back of her fist across her cheek, swiping tears from her face, and forced herself to slide out of the truck. He seemed so vulnerable that Katie had to sternly remind herself that he had his chance but didn’t take it.

“You know what? You say that you want someone who wants more than just the generic Blake Jackson experience, that you want someone who really knows you. Well that’s me.
I
know you, and
I
want more. You refuse to offer it, though. All you’re willing to give is the Blake Jackson experience and you refuse to open yourself up to something real. You can’t have it both ways, you know. You’ll never get anything more meaningful than what you’ve always had as long as you shut yourself off like this. So now, unless you have more to add than an apology, or you’re asking the whole band to stay on the tour, then the answer is no. There’s really nothing more to talk about.” When he hesitated again, Katie spared Blake a sad, pained look and turned away before striding purposefully towards her bus.

Blake slammed his palms against the steering wheel and cursed in frustration before climbing out of the truck and slamming the door behind him. He watched Katie climb into her own tour bus before hanging his head and walking towards his own.

• • •

Blake stepped into the cool, quiet air of his bus and looked around. He had so many nice things, so many small luxuries and comforts, and it was all so pointless to him now. He had worked so hard to make something of himself, to get all these things, and now he was alone. Alone in a fancy tour bus. He had devoted so much of himself to the business of being Blake Jackson that he had never bothered to find someone to share this life with.

Then along came Katie McCoy, offering nothing less than her love, and he ruined the whole thing. He was sickened by himself, disgusted by how casually he had treated Katie’s career and how he hadn’t had the nerve to just tell her how he felt. Three little words would have made her stay, but he would have had to open himself up, promise more than he was comfortable with, to say them. The opportunity was right there in front of him and he couldn’t say the words. He simply couldn’t let her bet everything on him. It was too soon to know if he loved her, and it wouldn’t have been fair to tell her that he did.

It would have been so easy to let her believe that he was sure about her, sure about them, sure enough that she should leave everything important to her behind. He couldn’t let her give everything up for someone like him. She was right to turn him down. She didn’t know that he had never been in love, that he had never found anyone who made him feel the way she did. She didn’t know that he had spent so much of his life building his career that he had never had a real relationship. If she did, she might have understood, might have given him more time to come around. She didn’t know, though, and frankly she deserved better.

The bus driver stepped in and poked his head around the corner. “We’re ready to roll out if you are, Mr. Jackson.”

Blake sighed heavily. He had thought he’d be driving to Memphis with Katie, had pictured the two of them snuggled up together and excited about the adventure ahead of them. “Yep, let’s go.” He pushed his boots off and kicked them across the lounge before grabbing a beer out of the fridge and making his way to his bedroom. Alone.

Chapter Ten

Katie and her band played their best performance of the tour in Memphis, Tennessee. Although she had expected a sleepless night, she slept like a rock on the bus from Nashville and well into the morning after the band arrived in Memphis. Katie figured that she must have been drained by the extreme emotion of her night with Blake. The deep sleep protected her from her own misery, at least for one night, and refreshed her enough to put her chin up and refocus her energy on the band and the night’s performance.

Katie wanted to lie in bed and cry, or raid the freezer for ice cream and call her mom to commiserate, but she had refused Blake’s offer in favor of staying in her band. No use in losing her career, too. She usually rushed through a shower after the Sterling show so she could watch Blake’s set afterwards, but not tonight. He had probably saved her usual special seat backstage, but it would be too painful to take it tonight.

Katie thought that surely the day would come when she would be able to see Blake on television or hear one of his songs without bursting into tears, but that day wasn’t today. She lingered in her shower, turning the water as hot as she could stand it, standing in the stream as the tears she had been holding back all day finally came. If her band mates had wondered where Blake was all day, they hadn’t said anything. None of them had even noticed that Katie was dying on the inside. She was either doing a great job of appearing normal or they just weren’t paying attention. She hoped they wouldn’t head out for the night without asking if she wanted to go. They might have already made their plans, but if Katie ever needed a night out with friends, and beer — lots of beer — tonight was the night.

She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, pulling an oversized towel around herself. Scooping up her cell phone, Katie whispered a little prayer that the guys hadn’t gone out for the night while she dialed Charles’s number. She rubbed a towel over her wet hair while she listened to the phone ring.

“Well if it isn’t Miss Katie McCoy,” Charles drawled into the phone. “Thought you’d be watching Blake’s set.”

“Not tonight. I was wondering if you guys want to go out and get some beers. Blake’s not coming. It’d just be us, like old times.”

“Oh yeah, the good old days,” he chuckled. “Before our little Katie went off and fell in love. Sure darlin’, that sounds like fun. Come by when you’re ready to roll.”

“Thanks. I’ll get ready fast and see you soon.”

Katie ended the call and got to work on her hair and makeup. The results wouldn’t be nearly as gorgeous as when she had her team working on her, but maybe it was time Katie remembered who she really was anyway.

• • •

Katie enthusiastically agreed to the dive bar the guys suggested, though it looked like a complete dump to her. When they arrived at The Snake Pit, she took in the rows of motorcycles parked in front and the parking lot full of dilapidated muscle cars and rusty pickup trucks with trepidation. The door opened as the band approached the bar, and loud heavy metal music and the shouts of a rowdy crowd spilled out from the bar into the parking lot.

Katie resisted the urge to take the nearest band mate’s hand as they made their way inside. The guys probably had no idea what this place would be like when they chose it, but to Katie it felt like a challenge. It was as if they wanted her to prove to them that she was still one of them, not as separate from the group as the press would have everyone believe. Holding her head high, Katie pasted a bright smile on her face and walked in with her band.

The place was shabby and the crowd was rough-looking, but it wasn’t nearly as frightening as Katie had imagined. The guys lining the bar and playing pool seemed like working class men blowing off steam after a long week, not menacing boogeymen out to get her. She relaxed and felt her smile become a little more natural as the guys found a table and Charles made his way to the bar to order shots for the group.

A night out with her band would help take Katie’s mind off Blake and all that she had lost. It would help her remember what had been so important that she had let him go. The tequila shots that Charles brought for everyone were just what the doctor ordered.

Katie usually wasn’t much of a drinker, but tonight was different. Tonight she desperately needed to feel like she belonged in her band. The guys had become closer, had spent so much time together the last couple of weeks that the divide between them and Katie was devastating. She wanted to find her way back. Back to her place in the group and back to herself. She gave the guys a wide grin and held up her shot glass in response to a toast Charles offered to the group. She swallowed her tequila, slammed her fist on the table and popped a wedge of lime between her teeth.

“WOOOO!” Katie shouted while her band laughed and motioned for another round. “That’s what I’m talking about!” The guys laughed, and Katie loosened up. The divide between them was probably all in her head.

A waitress brought a tray of tequila shots and Charles asked for a round of beers for the table. Something caught his eye over her shoulder and he waved in the air, shouting, “Chet!”

Chet Wilson, Blake’s fiddler, wove through the crowd towards the table, an open smile on his face. He shook hands with the guys in the band and introduced himself to Katie. “I believe we met your first night on the tour, but I’m Chet Wilson. I play fiddle for Blake Jackson.”