Kiss the Girl (56 page)

She jerked her arm from Karl’s grip mid-sentence, turned her back on his startled face and marched up the steps to the podium.  To the microphone.  To the avid faces and the expectant hush of a few hundred people who knew something juicy was about to unfold right before their hungry eyes. 

Nixie wasn’t one to disappoint her public.

“
Good evening, everybody.” 
A jagged elation surged through her
veins as she grabbed the
mic
. 
“F
irst
of all, let me just say, you
look great.
 
You’re all dressed up, you’re trading
compliments over cocktails, votes over
canapés.  You’ve got your checkbooks out and are just waiting for the go-ahead from Senator
Harper
to write the clinic a nice fat check.  And that pleases me.  It pleases me beyond words.  Because I have it on good authority that when a girl sells her soul, she ought to get her money’s worth.”

A
n
uncomfortable
ripple went through the crowd, a couple hund
red people shifting, frowning.  Nixie smiled furiously into the blazing lights and
plunged ahead
.

“So I’m asking myself, has
tonight been worth my soul?
  Don’t get me wrong.  H
elping kids breathe is always a good thing.  But
I hope like
hell
it was worth what I’ve paid for it
because I’m all
tapped out.  I mean, I’m all
for saving the
children
but
I
don’t
have a single piece of my
soul left to
sell for your
donor dollars. 
Do you hear me? 
I have nothing left for you
people
.  My heart is gone--I gave that to you, Erik.” 

Every c
amera in the room swung to Erik
but
he knew his way around a press corps
smackdown
.  He gave them nothing, his face like granite, his mouth a grim line inside it.  She
sighed
.  What had she expected? 
Nothing was all he had to give.  All he
would
give, at least.  Hadn’t she learned anything
this
week?
  

“My
family
is gone, too,” she said.  “Karl explained to me just this evening that he’d shun me like the Amish if I didn’t
give up this ridiculous dream of a personal life
.
  A home.  A family.  Somebody to love me back for a change.
 
A
nd a
s for my mother, well.” 

She paused to
glance
at Sloan, who stood between Karl and
James
, eyebrows raised, an enigmatic half-smile curving her lips.  “Well, you all know my mother.  She’s not one to choose family over fame.  I learned that tonight.  The hard way
.  Not that I’m throwing stones. 
Maybe I don’t have Sloan’s flair for it, but
I’m no stranger to renting out my body for a cause.  There’s
a
detailed accounting of who I’m wearing
tonight
in your press packets, as per the lease agreement.  But
you know what?  No matter what I sell, i
t’s not enough.  It’s not even close
to enough
and it never will be
. 
So let’s just say this right out loud: 
Nixie Leighton-Brace is not enough to save the world
.  Was that a surprise to everybody, or just me?
”

“Enough, Nixie.”  Karl, his face
rigid
, marched up the stage steps.  “That’s enough.”

“No.  It’s not.” 
She
turned on him with a savage fierceness that froze him on the last riser
.  “
I’ve spen
t my whole life listening to you talk and talk and talk
. 
But it’s my turn now, so why don’t you just shut up and listen?
 
Besides,
I
already
know
your opinion on the
subject
.
” 

She
spun back to
the crowd
, waved an arm at her
fuming
advisor
.  “He’d have me believe
I owe it to the universe, based on my tremendous luck in being born
Nixie Leighton-Brace
, to cast myself on the altar of the world’s fucked-up-
ness
and burn.  Like that’s going to balance the scales somehow.  But I’ve been doing that for twenty-eight years now,
and
haven’t noticed anything
getting
particularly better.
  So I’
m making a break for it.  I’m going to save myself for a change, and I’m going to
blow up
some really big bridges behind me
.  S
o pay attention
, all you gossip monger
s
and bottom feeders
.  I’m only going to do this once
.”

She turned back to Karl
, to Sloan, to
James
clustered
at the edge of the stage.  She found
Erik and Mary Jane
still framed in the open doors of the balcony where she’d left them.  Registered the
various states of agitation, condemnation and panic
on their faces
. 
Pain sparkled fresh and sharp in her veins.  T
he
pain of having disappointed Karl, and the
hurt of his loving her name and her image more than
who she really was
. 
The pain of having her mother turn away from her one last time.  The jagged and bleeding ache of Erik’s rejection. 
She let the
beast
inside her
consume it
all
and spew it out as rage. 

“
You can screw off,
Karl,” she said distinctly.  “
Go find yourself another messiah because I’m all done
trying to love somebody who only cares about what I can do for him
. 
You can have Sloan
fuck her way through the United Nations
for charity for all I care
. 
She can’t hurt with a
heart
she buried
twenty years ago
anyway.  Can’t love, either,
can you, Mom?  B
ut that’s beside the point by now
. 

“
And
Erik?  I
hope
you’ll be
very, very happy in
your
very, very safe marriage to
your
very, very nice best friend whom
you
do not love
. 
I hope your
cowardice will keep
you
warm at night. 
Mary Jane
, I’m sorry for all this.
 
Seriously.  I don’t want to rain on your parade, but what the hell are you
doing in this parade anyway? 
You have such a rare and decent courage
,
and you deserve somebody who loves you for it
. 

“
But
you know what?  W
hatever. 
I’m
done trying to fix everybody else. 
I’ve got enough broken shit of my own to work on.  So
I’m done with you people. 
With all of you.”  She threw out both arms to encompass the whole room.  “
If you’re really committed to children’s health care in this country, in this commonwealth, hell
,
in this
neighborhood
, you’ll write us a check anyway. 
But if
you’re only here because Senator
Harper
told you to be here, because you wanted to put on a pretty dress, eat hors d’oeuvres and
build up your political capital
, then take
your money and go home.  I don’t want it. 
And I won’t sell one damn thing more to get it. 
I’ll find another way.”

She shoved the microphone into its cradle,
gave the
stunned and silent crowd
an ironic little bow
and
sailed off the stage
on knees that wanted to buckle
.

But not because she was afraid or hurt. 
She was
still hollow
, exhausted and empty
, b
ut it was a clean empty
this time
.  Fresh.  She’d finally purged the poison.  She paused in front of Karl, who stared past her as if she didn’t exist.  She waited for the old guilt to stir,
the pain,
but everything within her remained still and quiet. 

James
shook his head.  “Stainless steel balls,” he said.  “I’ll give you that.
  My father’s going to crucify you, but damn, what a way to go.
” 

Sloan touched her shoulder,
the ends of
her hair and
shook her head
.  “Security will take you home,” she said. “Backstage.”

Nixie slipped through the c
urtains. 

Two hours later,
Erik pushed Nixie’s doorbell for the ninth time
. 
He hated this doorbell
, with its solemn, mournful
bong
.  Nixie was many things but she wasn’t scored in a minor key.