Kitty Kitty (19 page)
Authors: Michele Jaffe
She was flung back, away from me, tripped over Bobby’s body, and went down. Whatever she’d injected me with was starting to work and I felt more like a Weeble than a girl. The knife skidded across the floor away from Maria and as she got on her hands and knees to reach for it, I Weeble-wobbled over to her and sat down on her back.
Okay, more like fell on her back. But either way, she was pinned under six feet of Jas.
Little Life Lesson 65: Sometimes being tall isn’t so sucky for detective work either.
That’s when the fourth thing happened, in the form of Arabella’s door bursting open and Officer Allegrini pushing into the room. Behind him were the landlady, Polly, Roxy, Tom, Alyson, and Veronique.
Polly said something that sounded like, “Your alarm went off!”
Roxy said something that sounded like, “We followed your Skittles trail!”
I said something that was supposed to sound like, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
And passed out.
When I opened my eyes I was still a bit groggy from whatever Maria had injected me with. I had vague, delirious images of white-coated men and hospital boats and a conversation I must have hallucinated about the NASCAR Dads coming to Venice to play a concert in Menudo’s place. In fact, I was still hallucinating because I was in my bed in the Grissini Palace. But I could have sworn that the person sitting next to it was Jack.
“Hi, hot stuff,” I told the hallucination.
He seemed to have been asleep, which was weird because why would a figment of my imagination sleep, but after my experiences with BadJas I wouldn’t put anything past my brain.
He said, “Hi, super girl.”
Since he was just a hallucination, I decided I could say pretty much anything I wanted to him. “You’re really handsome.”
“Thank you.”
“How long have I been asleep?”
“Twenty-six hours.”
“What happened to everyone?”
“Maria was arrested, Bobby is out of the hospital, and your friend Max was released.”
“I owe him an apology for getting him arrested.”
“I don’t think you have to worry. He has a big crush on you.”
“BadJas wanted to believe that, but I doubt it. He’s nice. Not as nice as you, though.” I feasted my eyes on Hallucination Jack. “The first time I saw you, all I could think about was how I wished you’d take your shirt off.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, and I thought you might be The One. I still think that.”
“Really.”
“That’s one reason I’m glad I didn’t die. So I could find out. How did Roxy and Polly find me?”
“Roxy said something about putting a stroke monitor in your floatie. That it kept track of when you changed altitude, like when you fell down, and set off an alarm. I guess after you got knocked out twice, they thought it would be safest. And they installed some kind of pressure-sensitive Skittles dispenser in your boot in case you got dragged somewhere.”
“My friends are crazy.”
“Yes, they are.”
“That’s probably good, though.”
“Yes, it is.”
Hallucinations are really agreeable listeners. “Sometimes I dream that you and I are eating Nutella together in our Underoos. Yours are Incredible Hulk.”
“Nutella, huh? I’ll have to make a note of that.”
“Please do.”
“What else happens in these dreams?”
“Kissing mostly. Sometimes we eat ice cream. And you laugh at my jokes. And sometimes I ask you why you’re with me instead of girls who can save whole orphanages.”
“Do I tell you it’s because you are the most courageous, most loyal, most exciting person I’ve ever met? And that just hearing your voice makes me smile?”
“No. Mostly you say you’re not sure.”
“I think I need someone to write better lines for me.”
“Okay, I’ll work on that.”
I dozed off again. When I woke up, Hallucination Jack was still there. Now he was reading a magazine. “What’s she like?” I asked.
“Who?”
“The girl you’re making out with in that photo?”
“Rachel Tiegs? She’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“Would you let me finish, please? She’s also incredibly dull. She once talked about her nail beds for five straight hours on the bus. And just to be clear, I’m not making out with her. You can see they Photoshopped my head onto some
other guy’s body. I’d never wear those jeans.”
“That’s what Polly said.”
“I’ll have to remember to thank her.”
“I thought it was you.”
“Jas, why would I want someone else when I could have you?”
I think I started to cry then.
“What’s wrong, super girl?”
“I wish you were real and not just a hallucination.”
“Hmm. What if I told you I
am
real?”
“Ha ha ha. If you were real, I’d never be saying all these things to you.”
He started to laugh and reached out and put his hand on my palm. “I have bad news for you, Jas.”
But I barely heard that last part because my body was reeling from the sensation of his fingers entwined with mine. Real fingers. Which could only mean—
Oh.
My.
God.
Jack was here. Sitting by my bed.
AND I’D—
Oh. Oh, no.
He leaned toward me. “What’s wrong now?”
“I told you I fantasized about you in Incredible Hulk Underoos,” I said, mostly into my pillow.
He gave his amazing, makes-my-knees-melt laugh. “Yeah,
about that.” He moved over to sit on the side of my bed and cupped my cheek in his hand. “I don’t have any with me. But we could certainly work on the other part of your dream before your dad comes back to check on you.”
“Which part?”
“This part,” he said. And kissed me.
Little Life Lesson 66: Maybe there is no such thing as happily ever after. But there’s definitely happy.
50
To: Jasmine Callihan
From: Office of the College Counselor
Subject: Your latest
Dear Miss Callihan,
“My Friend Arabella” is a moving and lovely essay. The moral about
learning to trust yourself and others is excellent, although perhaps somewhat
undermined by the inclusion of the giant crime-fighting squirrel.
We are all very glad to have you backo. Ha ha.
Yours,
Dr. L
P.S. What do you mean by “Does being a consultant to a foreign police
force count as an extracurricular activity or as work experience?”
To: Jasmine Callihan
From: MaxAttack
Subject: Re: La Dolce Vita
Jasmine Noelle,
It is very nice to get your email. You must excuse the quality of my writing English, I perhaps should have studied more.
You are right that at my apartment at first I think you are the murderer. But then I see Beatrice and I know the truth. It is my wish to get you out of there but you were, if you will pardon me saying so, a big troublesome so I had to take fierce measures. I did not learn the move I performed on you from the Special Forces. It is something my brother and I practiced from watching the American show
World Wrestling Entertainment
. I am delighted it impressed you, however.
While on the topic of my brother, thank you very much for telling me about his death. Indeed, knowing he did not take his life does make it better. And knowing that the one who did is behind bars improves it even more. Everyone here thinks you are the TNT for catching her when the police could not.
I felt very honored to collect your honorary medal from the
carabinieri,
although I cannot agree with you that I deserve it more just because you kicked me on the head. Being hit on the head by lovely ladies is part of what Max does. Since you say your father will not let you have it I will be happy to keep it for you.
So yes, everything is fine now. Actually, I lie. Venice is much less robust without you in it.
I shall miss seeing your face but I am sending you all the best wishes.
Your friend,
Max
P.S. Should you ever be in Venice again I do not think I mentioned but I can also do many interesting card tricks.
To: Jasmine Callihan
From: J.R.
Subject: Welcome back
I’m glad the name Smokey LeBraun came in handy. I’ll be interested to see what you do with what you learn about him.
Good luck. I’ll be watching.
A friend
MICHELE JAFFE
is the author of
BAD KITTY
as well as several adult novels, including the thrillers
BAD GIRL
and
LOVERBOY
. After getting her Ph.D. in Comparative Literature from Harvard, she retired from academia and decided to become an FBI special agent or a glamorous showgirl, but somehow ended up writing. A native of Los Angeles, California, Michele and her sparkly shoes reside in New York City. Visit Michele’s website at www.michelejaffe.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
KITTY KITTY
. Copyright © 2008 by Michele Jaffe. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Adobe Digital Edition Reader May 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-191908-4
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
25 Ryde Road (PO Box 321)
Pymble, NSW 2073, Australia
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
55 Avenue Road, Suite 2900
Toronto, ON, M5R, 3L2, Canada
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollinsPublishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
77-85 Fulham Palace Road
London, W6 8JB, UK
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
http://www.harpercollinsebooks.com
1
Tom: That can’t be good.
Roxy: Are you okay, Polly? You look kind of funny.
Polly: Oh, no, I’m fine. Jas is just marching about a foreign country with the spokesmodel for Freak Accidents & Other Dangers Inc. Why should I look funny?
Roxy: I really admire the way you can speak even while gritting your teeth.
Polly: I like to multitask.
Tom: Um, does anyone besides me think we should Do Something about Jas? And fast?
Roxy: Actually, I have an idea. But it’s going to require Polly to face one of her worst fears.
Polly: Which one? Not chronic halitosis?
Roxy: No, worse.
Polly: Wearing a mismatched bra and panties? Getting jam on my sleeve? Wait—not Sour Patch Kids?
Roxy: Worse.
Polly: You don’t mean—you CAN’T mean—No!!!!!!
Roxy: Yes. Um, Tom, I think you should put your arms out. It looks like Polly’s about to—nice catch.
2
Jas: Who said that?
3
Jas: Who said THAT? Hello? I do not think things like that.
4
Jas: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
BadJas: Thought things needed le spicing up.
Jas: This isn’t spice. This is…hey, how did you get to be separate? I thought I was BadJas.
BadJas: You were doing a lame-o job, so when we got knocked out, I decided to creep past your inhibitions and strike out on my own.
Jas: You can’t do that!
BadJas: Oh, no? Watch closely.
5
Jas: You already said “smoldered” before. You can’t use the same word twice like that.
BadJas: Le not?
Jas: No, it’s really bad style.
BadJas: I believe you mean BadStyle. Plus, you can’t deny that Max is totally bow-chica-wow-wow.
Jas: Yes, I can.
BadJas: Not to me. I know what’s going on in the back of your mind.
Jas: Really? What am I thinking now?
BadJas: That Max is so hot he should come with his own misters.
Jas: No, I am thinking that I am trying to find a murderer.
BadJas: Fine. If you want to deny your True Thoughts, I’ll stop. I don’t want to upset you.
Jas: Thank you.
BadJas: (Much.)
