Kitty's Countryside Dream (15 page)

Cycling up the long drive, I stared at the steps of Brambleberry Cottage. I pictured Violet standing on those very steps the day after I was born, holding me in her arms. It was strange to think I had been here before. Maybe Mum and Dad had brought me back to the Lodge to show me off to the proud grandparents and aunty before they headed home.

Placing my bike against the office wall, it struck me – where was everyone? Tom and Jeannie were nowhere in sight and I wondered if Tom had told Jeannie about the photograph of Violet.

Strolling through the yard swinging the carrier bag full of food, I checked all the barns, but there was still no sign of either of them. Turning the corner, I headed down to Conker's field. Sometimes, depending on the weather, Jeannie liked to sit on the old wooden bench at the top of the field and let the sun beat down on her face.

There they both were sitting on the bench. I could see they were deep in conversation. Tom had a serious expression on his face and his arm was draped around Jeannie's shoulder. She was talking but dabbing her eyes with a tissue. She then rested her head on his shoulder and Tom kissed the top of her hair.

Tom glanced up and spotted me. He sat upright and removed his arm from Jeannie's shoulder. We exchanged looks.

His face dropped.

I felt an instant pang.

They must be talking about the baby. I didn't hang about. Holding the bag of food in the air so Tom could see it, I placed it on top of the water butt and swiftly turned and hurried back towards my bike. I pedalled home, leaving my lunch behind.

F
ifteen minutes
later there was a knock at the door. Standing on the other side was Tom, smiling, holding up a cheese-and-onion pasty. He looked so handsome.

‘You forgot this,' he said.

I was shocked to see him here – he must have upped and left Jeannie as soon as he saw me standing at the top of the field. He touched me lightly on the arm. ‘Can I come in? I want to talk to you.'

I didn't know how much more I could take today. I was an emotional wreck. I didn't need to sit and listen to Tom whilst he explained to me he was about to become a father. I already knew. I wasn't sure I could sit there and pretend I was happy for them. I wished with all my heart that Jeannie wasn't pregnant with Tom's baby. The hardest thing for me was the way he looked at me, the way he smiled. My gut instinct told me he liked me too; it was as if he felt the connection, but it just wasn't meant to be. Well not in this lifetime anyway.

‘I already know, Tom.'

He paused.

‘You do?' he said, puzzled.

‘Well, that was easier than I thought it was going to be. How do you know?'

‘Jeannie told me.'

‘That's such a relief; I did wonder if she might.'

Tom was standing in front of me, grinning like a Cheshire cat. I couldn't blame him; he must be so excited about becoming a father and starting a family. I was leaning against the door frame about to burst into tears. I couldn't even bring myself to congratulate him.

‘Tom,' I managed to say, ‘do you mind if you don't come in. I'm feeling a little under the weather, and I just want to curl up.'

‘Of course I don't mind. Here, take this,' he said, handing me the pasty. ‘Make sure you eat something; you need to keep your strength up.'

He leant forward and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. I wanted to turn my head and kiss him properly, but what good would that do? Jeannie needed the support of her friends at the moment and no matter how I felt about Tom I wasn't going to let her down.

I shut the door behind him and burst into tears.

7
November 1960

M
y heart is broken
. I lay deep below my bed sheets today and cried. I couldn't move. It's been twenty-four hours since I found out T has a new baby daughter. Mum thinks I'm ill. Well I am ill, but not in the way she thinks.

He told me he loved me; he melted my heart. I believed him when he said one day we would spend the rest of our lives together.

It was T who had sought me out in the first place; we'd met by a bandstand in the park one evening. Then he used to pass me in his van every morning. That's how it started. I knew it was love at first sight. He was older than me, but that's what made it more exciting. He promised he would look after me; he promised nothing would ever hurt me but look – now he himself has.

I never knew he had a wife. He told me we had to wait before we could tell anyone; we had to wait because of the age difference. It was only a matter of time. I believed him. He's a liar. All along, he's been married with a family. I never want to see him again.

8
November 1960

I
woke
up in the middle of the night to the sound of tapping on my window. At first I thought a bird had flown into the glass. Wearily I looked out to find the light of a torch shining below on the ground. T was staring up at me. I opened the window. He wanted to talk; I didn't.

After a little persuasion I found myself sneaking downstairs and we stood beneath the old oak tree at the bottom of the driveway. He looked pained. I was shivering; he put his arm around me and pulled me in close. He kept telling me it wasn't what I thought. How could I think any different – his wife had just given birth to a baby girl, their child. It couldn't be clearer to me: sexual relations with his wife were well and truly current.

He leant his chin on the top of my head and promised me that no matter what happened I should always remember two things: everything he ever said was true and he would always love me.

We kissed for one last time. I didn't want it to end. He felt so good; it was so good. He tasted divine. Then he was gone.

F
licking over the page
, I felt like I was living every moment with Violet. Glancing down at the diary, I saw the next few entries were missing. The following one was a week later. Suddenly I was startled by the ringing of the telephone. I picked up the receiver to find Jeannie on the other end. I could hear the excitement in her voice when she spoke. ‘I believe Tom has told you.'

For a moment I'd been lost in Violet's world, then all of a sudden I was crashing back into mine. I didn't know what to say. I made my excuses, telling her that I was just getting into the bath and I would ring her back later. I wanted to read more; I wanted to know what had happened to Violet, and I couldn't face talking to Jeannie at that moment.

1
5 November 1960

I
t's been
a week since I last wrote to you. I'm sorry – I just didn't want to face life. Ethel has been an amazing friend. She has spent every spare minute with me trying to cheer me up. George doesn't mind either. He said we always need our friends, and true friends are difficult to find and that Ethel should never put him before a friend in need. Ethel is lucky to have a boyfriend like him.

1
6 November 1960

A
lice is
back home with Julian. There had been a few further complications but no one has had the decency to tell me. All Mum has said is that it's between the adults. I don't honestly know what she must think of me. I'm just concerned for my sister. Alice has written me a letter; she writes to me often now she's moved out of home. I look forward to reading about her life away from home.

I
turned
the page and a piece of cream paper folded up into quarters fell out of the diary onto the duvet. I picked it up and carefully unfolded it. Immediately I recognised the handwriting: it was my mother's. I was shaking.

T
o my dearest sister
, Violet,

F
irst of all I
must tell you that my friend Bea has given birth to a gorgeous little girl.

I am so pleased to tell you it was a natural birth and she is a real beauty. She has the loveliest, sweetest face and Bea is a very proud mother.

And now for my bit of news: Bea has asked me to be godmother. I was absolutely thrilled and accepted immediately. She apologised if her asking made me feel uncomfortable after losing my baby, but on the contrary I'm pleased I will be a part of her life. They're still deciding on her name.

I hope life is bearable without me at home. I know it's difficult for you at times. I think Mother forgets you're a young woman now. Please be patient with her; she does mean well and has a heart of gold.

Julian and I look forward to your visit after Christmas; the spare bedroom is already made up and I'll meet you off the train.

We will speak soon.

L
ove
,

Alice

T
he emotion was running
through my body and the tears began to run down my cheeks again. I needed to stop crying, but I couldn't help it. Why had my mum never mentioned Violet? It didn't make any sense to me at all. Her letter to Violet was very loving, and reading the diary it was obvious, even though there was a ten-year age gap between them, that they'd been close, so there was no logic to keeping Violet hidden.

T
he following morning
back at the Lodge, apart from Dotty strutting around the yard, it appeared I was on my own. I spotted a note from Tom pinned to the office door, flapping in the wind. The scribbled, rushed handwriting read that he had been called out to an emergency at a nearby farm, something to do with a calf that had been tangled up amongst barbed wire that had been disposed of illegally in the stream that ran through the farm. Even though the local vet had been called, it turned out that a fence had also been broken and all the cows needed herding back to the fields. It was all hands on deck. Jeannie was also unwell today; morning sickness had kidnapped her body and was not looking to relinquish it any time soon.

I needed to get on and check the chickens had been released from the coops in the bottom field. The air was crisp and it was a little breezy. Walking past Conker's field, I saw he'd already been released from his stable and was happily chomping away on a bale of hay that Tom must have thrown over the gate for him before he left.

Squinting, I spotted a figure in the distance. I recognised Robin in his overalls and wellington boots; he was wandering back up towards the stable. I felt a little anxious; I hadn't seen Robin in person since he declared he ‘liked me' at the Easter-egg hunt, even though I had spoken to him on the phone a couple of times. I'd been preoccupied since then reading Violet's diary.

Approaching the stable, I peered around the door; Robin was emptying bags of feed into the huge buckets. Startled, he swung round and faced me.

‘You made me jump,' he said, smiling.

‘I'm sorry; I didn't mean to. What are you doing here?' I asked.

He glanced down at his watch. ‘I've been here for at least an hour. Tom received a call from Willard's farm. They needed help: a calf was tangled in some wire and he's gone to help them rescue it. I telephoned him to tell him Jeannie wasn't feeling well just as he was leaving and I offered to come down to let the chickens out.'

‘That was extremely kind of you; it saves me a journey to the bottom field.'

‘I'm a very kind sort of a guy.' He laughed. ‘But I did have an ulterior motive.'

‘Which was?'

‘To see you.'

I felt myself blush.

‘Kitty Lewis, I think we need to talk.'

He took my hand, and we walked back towards the office in silence. My entire body was trembling; I had the urge to pull away, but I held his hand until we got to the bench.

As we both sat down, he folded his arms and stared at the floor. I mirrored his stance. Within a couple of seconds Robin turned towards me, his hazel eyes gazing deeply into my mine. I knew we were about to have a serious conversation. He was a catch, he was certainly handsome, and also a kind, considerate and funny guy, but I didn't get those fluttering butterflies like I did every time I was anywhere near Tom.

I felt my face heating up and began to fiddle nervously with the strap on my watch.

We exchanged looks; for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn't. Why did this relationship lark always need to be so complicated? No wonder I had shied away from it for most of my life.

I knew some of this situation was my fault; I let him get close to me in the field when he told me he liked me. I'd responded and told him I liked him too. I was confused at the time; I'd discovered the romantic setting in the stable laid out for Tom and Jeannie. Even if I couldn't have Tom, it was unfair of me to give Robin any false hope.

He stared at me anxiously.

With a slight hesitation, he spoke. ‘I'm not looking for a quick fling, Kitty. I may have been once, but not now. I really like you and you're gorgeous, funny and kind, and I think we could make a go of it. We could be really good together, Kitty. What do you think?'

I was dreading this moment. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I didn't have any romantic feelings for him but I didn't.

I felt myself sigh and my shoulders sag. I reached for his hand and held it gently. This wasn't going to be easy. Our eyes locked.

‘I'm so sorry, I really am.'

‘I can feel a “but” coming,' Robin whispered.

‘But … I don't feel the same. I wish I could explain why but I can't. You're such a special person, Robin, and I know one day you'll make someone very happy but I know that person isn't me.'

Robin looked down at the floor; he placed his head in his hands.

‘It's not very often I wear my heart on my sleeve and this is one of those times I wish I hadn't.'

‘Don't be daft. It's absolutely lovely you can be honest with me and don't you ever apologise for being such a lovely person.'

‘Do you think you will ever change your mind?' he asked hopefully.

‘I'm sorry, I don't think I will.'

He let out a defeated sigh.

My heart was clattering; it wasn't nice to let anyone down and even worse when they'd just declared their feelings for you. His friendship without a doubt was important to me but there was no spark. Robin felt more like a brother to me. He didn't set my heart on fire, not like Tom did.

I could see the disappointment in Robin's face, but he put on a brave smile.

‘Friends?' he asked.

‘Friends,' I agreed.

Suddenly the awkwardness had lifted and I actually felt that, even though there was no romantic connection between us, Robin was going to be in my life forever. I threw my arms around him and gave him a hug.

‘You pair seem very cosy.'

Neither Robin nor I had heard Tom approaching. Startled, we both looked up to find him standing in front of us, clearly agitated. It must have been a stressful morning rescuing the calf.

‘We're just clearing a few things up; I think we're done here now though.' I smiled at Robin.

‘I didn't think you would still be here,' Tom said to Robin. I wasn't entirely sure whether I sensed an atmosphere. Maybe Tom was just exhausted.

‘I'm just off,' he replied. As he stood up, he squeezed my knee and began walking down the long drive.

‘How's the calf?' I asked Tom.

‘We managed to untangle the poor thing. He was stressed in the water, but he's happily grazing alongside his mother. All's well that ends well.'

Tom sat next to me.

‘You're acting a bit weird,' I said.

‘Am I? I wonder why that is,' he replied curtly.

Something in his tone made me flick my eyes towards him. He was staring at me. His gaze was dark and thunderous.

‘I have no idea,' I replied, nonplussed.

I waited for him to answer.

He stood up and looked me straight in the eye. ‘I don't like being made a fool of.' And before I could even answer him, he strode off up the yard and disappeared around the corner, leaving me wondering what the hell all that was about.