Knockout Games (29 page)

“OK . . . what?” I knew it had to be good.

“One more game.”

At first, I didn't know what he was talking about. Then it sunk in.

“That's
what you want? For me to play one more Knockout Game?” I had to make sure he wasn't playing me.

“It's only fair. That's the TKO rule. You want out, you gotta fight your way out.”

I was skeptical. “TKO has rules?”

“Jesus, girl. 'Course it's got rules. No stealing. No drugs. No messing with gangs. And if you can't handle it anymore, you gotta prove yourself before you walk away.”

I had to ask. “And if I don't?”

He leaned forward, looking me straight in the eye. “Then
you
become the next target.” He meant it.

“And if I played along, you'd leave us alone?” I asked, coolly.

“Forever. I wouldn't give a shit about you no more. Not that I do now, but seein' as you're asking,
that's
the price.”

It wasn't cheap. “And how would it work?”

“We'd meet up, just you an' me. I pick the target and you gotta deliver.”

“You want
me
to knock someone out.”

“Hey, I've seen you do it. Plus I taught you all the secrets.” He leaned back, put his hands behind his head, and waited for an answer.

“You know they'll be watching you, right? I mean, the police are just waiting for you to do something to take you down.”

He nodded sagely. “Which is why
I'm
not doing anything.
You
are.”

“My dad wants me to go back with him.”

He laughed. “To Arkansas? You think that'll keep me away? That's not so far. I've always wanted to see Little Rock.”

He pointed the camera at me. “Well, what's it gonna be, Erica? Wanna play? Or do you wanna end up like what we did to poor ol' Joe and Alice?”

I glanced over at Destiny, who was mouthing,
What the fuck is going on?

“Don't look at her. I saw Destiny before you walked in. She ain't gonna give you the answer. So what's it gonna be, Fish? Are you gonna take the plunge?”

I was already in over my head. “OK, but then it's done.”

Kalvin got up. “Oh, it'll be done, alright.” He toggled through the camera and deleted what he just shot. “I'll text you the location in the morning.” He scooped up Boner, passing Destiny on his way out. He handed her the camera. She took it and rushed over to my table.

“Well?” she asked.

“I gotta do one more thing.”

She watched Kalvin disappear into the darkness outside. “Well, whatever it is, you'll need backup. I'm coming with you.”

“No. This one I have to do alone.”

She shook her head. “Bullshit. Me and Tuffy will take his ass out.”

I smiled. I knew I wouldn't win this argument, so I told her I'd call her in the morning.

I don't think she believed me either.

As I walked home, the fireworks went off overhead, climaxing at midnight. I could hear parties going on in people's houses, and saw some people kissing in the streets. My only New Year's resolution was to be true to myself. No more lies. No more hiding.

The new year starts now.

45

The phone vibrating on my nightstand woke me up. Kalvin. All he texted was for me to start walking east on Grand by eleven a.m. He'd text the location then. He added:
Happy New Year!

I hated mystery. It sounded like a setup but what could I do? I had to get this over with.

I thought I'd woken up before everyone, but when I peeked into the living room, the couch was empty. But Dad's briefcase was still on the coffee table and he never left without it.

I heard a strange noise coming from behind Mom's door. I pressed my ear to it and listened in.

Dad was snoring.

Whoa
. Last night was crazy, but I guess I missed the real party. I know it happens—they always got sappy and sentimental on New Year's Eve. Still, I didn't want to visualize it. It probably didn't mean anything.

I kept staring at Dad's briefcase. It was the first time I'd seen it without him around. If I was going to do what Kalvin wanted, I'd need some protection. I kneeled in front of the briefcase, listening to Dad's snores. I knew the combo: 9/6/98. My birthday.

I cracked the briefcase open, trying not to make any sound. And there it was—Dad's gun.

It had been a long time since I'd held it, back when he took me those few times to a shooting range before Mom put a stop to it.

It was cold to the touch. Heavy, like it meant business. Dad kept it clean. It looked new even though it was at least ten years old.

I played with the safety, made sure it was on (first rule). I popped the cylinder and checked the chamber to make sure it was loaded. There was one bullet.

Then I remembered Dad's bail bondsman motto: one bullet forces you to make a real choice—and to choose wisely.

There were no extra rounds in the briefcase.

That was a stupid motto. What if I had to use this and missed?

I tried tucking it into my pants, but it felt like it'd fall out. They made it look easy in the movies, but this wasn't working. Finally, I just threw on my hoodie and hid it in my jacket pocket. I checked myself out in the mirror to see if it was noticeable. I was surprised to see I didn't look scared.

I put a Post-it in Dad's briefcase. It just said, “Sorry.” Anything more would only make it worse. I locked the case, grabbed a bagel, and headed out into the cold morning.

I moved uneasily down the icy street. Some people were out scraping off their windshields, others huddling at the bus stop with their shopping bags. To them it was just a normal Saturday.

Destiny answered my call on the fifth ring. She had been asleep. “It's Saturday. Do you know what time it is? That's why we text.”

“Sorry. I said I'd call, so I'm calling.”

She remembered. “What's going on? It's too early for this shit.”

“It's not that early. I think the library's open.”

“Fuck the library,” she said. “What's the plan?”

“Destiny?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say . . . well, I guess, thanks.”

There was a long pause. “What the fuck for?”

I laughed. “For being my friend. In the beginning. You know, when nobody else would.”

She grunted. “You coulda told me that later. Like at dinner. When we'd laughing about how nothing happened today.”

“I had to tell you now. Just in case. . . .”

“In case . . . what? What's going on?”

“I made a deal, that's all. And now I gotta do something. Alone.”

“See? I knew you'd pull this shit. When people say things like that, bad things happen.” She sounded awake now.

“You watch too many movies,” I said. “Besides, you got me in and out of enough trouble. I have to do this on my own.”

Now she knew she wasn't going to win this argument.

“Erica. Just don't do anything stupid.” She sounded worried. “OK?”

“Too late.” I didn't want to get into it. “I gotta go, 'bye.”

“But—”

I hung up. Turned my ringer off. She tried calling again, but I ignored her.

I headed down Grand and started to feel bad that all I left my parents was that stupid Post-it.

I opened a new text message on my phone.

Mom Dad.

Im sorry I failed u. I know u tried. At least I didnt do drugs right?

Lame.

I switched over to the voice recorder mode and pressed Record.

It took me a few seconds to figure out what to say. Something like this isn't like leaving a message saying that you're going out to dinner. So I just began talking.

“OK . . . by now you noticed that I . . . took the gun. It's for protection . . . just in case. I'm going to meet Kalvin and hopefully settle this so we can . . . get on with our lives. I decided even if we leave St. Louis, I don't want this hanging over our heads. It ends today.” I paused it, trying to think where I was going with this.

“If something goes wrong, or if I end up in jail or the hospital or worse . . . just know that . . . I'm sorry for how things turned out . . . and that I wanted to do better. I wanted to do better by you, but even more by me.” I paused to gather myself.

“For a long time . . . I just felt numb inside. Now I can feel pain. I know I am alive. I want to keep it that way. If you are listening to this, it means the police gave it to you. I'm not gonna send it to you because then you'll panic and be searching the streets. If you never hear this message, then things worked out, but just in case . . . I'll say it: I love you. Yeah. Really.”

I wiped away a tear, then laughed that I was doing this. “If I'm reincarnated as something else, I will do better with my life. I know you tried, so now I will too. I can't stop talking for some reason, so I just will. Stop.”

I saved it and kept the recorder mode open on my phone as I buried it in my pocket. I hoped nobody would ever have to hear it.

It started to snow again.

46

Kalvin's second text said he wanted to meet her at the library. He knew how to push her buttons. The Watchers had to be on the lookout for him, but the weather was shitty and the library closed for the holiday, so the streets were pretty empty.

None of the other Tokers were in sight, not even Prince. No Watchers either. Just a guy walking his dog. Someone riding his bike. Then she spotted somebody with a hoodie covering his head, pacing in front of the library. She zoomed in. Kalvin.

When he saw her, he ducked into the alley behind the library. Erica put her hand on the bulge in her pocket. She looked jumpy, glancing around and checking over her shoulder.

It was Boner who snuck up on her and licked her foot. She leaned down and petted him. He looked scared and just sat there whimpering.

“When all this is done, you should think about moving in with me instead,” she said. She made her way into the alley, Boner on her heels. She saw Kalvin standing in the spot where Mrs. Lee had died. He was hovering near a small memorial on the fence, surrounded by sad little flowers, candles and cards, all soggy from the snow. When she moved in closer, she saw him staring at a photo of Mrs. Lee and her husband.

“You know, it might surprise you, but I do feel bad about that woman,” he said. “She didn't deserve what happened. She just . . . got in the way.”

“She didn't deserve to die, you mean,” Erica said. She zoomed in tight on his face. He smiled slightly at the sight of her camera.

“She was a willing player. You saw her, at Joe Lee's side. She was no different from him.”

“He thought she was better than him.”

Kalvin grunted. “That's not saying much. If he'd a kept his mouth shut, she'd be alive today. People make choices.”

“So it's
his
fault?”

He leaned down and picked up a candle that had fallen over. “It doesn't matter. Sometimes a shake-up is good. I'll bet he's appreciating life a lot more now.”

“No. He doesn't.”

He studied her. “And how do you know?”

“I talked to him.”

He scoffed. “I suppose you apologized too. Maybe begged for forgiveness?”

“No. I was a coward. Just like you.”

He stood up, his hands balled up into fists.

She didn't flinch. She could see he was breathing hard in the cold—his face pale, his eyes dull, less threatening.

“You have a free pass, you know?” she said.

He shrugged. “What, you mean retire? Just walk away from TKO while I got my freedom?”

“Something like that, yeah. Don't you think it's time to grow up?”

“Oh,” he said, considering the idea. “Is that what you are now, grown up? Did all your crazy shit and now you're ready to become a responsible citizen?”

She let the camera stay on him without answering.

“You wanna play games, is that it, Erica? Outthink me, get me to confess to my sins? Turn that shit off,” he said, pointing to her camera.

That was the first time she ever heard him say something like that. She pretended to turn it off, but kept it running in her hand.

“So why don't you stop, Kalvin? Haven't you had enough of all this? Haven't you knocked enough people out?” she asked.

He didn't answer. It was deathly quiet, only the sound of the snow falling gently on the ground.
Pat. Pat. Pat
.

“You know, I've had Prince do a little surveillance work of his own. Turns out our friend Joe is a man of habit.”

“So?” she said.

“He likes to come here every day at 11:30, the moment they were gamed. To visit the site where his wife died like that? That's real loyalty. I can respect that.”

“Are you saying I'm not loyal?”

He stared her down. “What do you think?”

“I think you can't stop because you think you have some kind of rep you need to uphold. And that rep is only held together by the loyalty of your crew and you're worried that what I did created, like, a ‘disturbance in the force.' And now you have to show you can control me by making me do something I don't want to. Is that about right?”