KNOT: A Wake Family Novel (26 page)

If ever there were a time when we needed to hold on, it was then.

One thought still haunted me. I hadn’t meant to hurt her earlier when I didn’t hold her hand. I reached up her stomach to undo my error, to hold her free hand that lay there. I linked our fingers together.

“What if I’m more like you than I’ve ever admitted? More than I was ever willing to accept,” her words were slow, like she was thinking them instead of saying them. Our eyes still not breaking the honest gaze.

Hearing her say that, even if it was never meant to be heard, felt like a relief. Almost like validation, but it was probably too late.

She went slowly on. “I hate the idea of anyone touching you. You touching them. I’m so jealous all of the time. I know it’s wrong, but it’s the truth.”

I didn’t reply because I didn’t want her to stop. I’d needed to hear those words for so long.

Sucking at her flesh, I gently watched and listened to her tell me things she never had.

My hand squeezed hers in solidarity. After all, we were still safe. Or we’d gotten so good at lying to ourselves that we now believed anything.

She continued speaking, but her lips hardly moved while in that lucid headspace. “It’s so fucking scary out there. I’m terrified most of the time. I think if I let myself feel this much happiness, I’ll die if it goes away. If I give you everything, and it’s still not enough, you’ll take all that I have when you leave.”

I slowed what I was doing, parting with a kiss on her sex just long enough to ask, “Why would I ever leave?”

Then I kissed her center again. I couldn’t help myself.

“Because I always fall short of pleasing you. I always disappoint. You always want more than I think I have.”

Where would she ever get the notion that she wasn’t enough on her own?

Probably because I told her over and over, I wanted more, as if it were her fault I was so fucking in love with her that there would never
be
enough.

I could feel the moment slipping away, and I wanted to prevent it. This one time I wanted better for us.

“With you, I’m
never
satisfied. Don’t you understand? That’s how my love is. It’s greedy and selfish. There’s never enough
you
.” I sucked her skin into my mouth and pulled my head back so that it slipped away. Then I kissed her again.

“I’ll never get enough of this,” I said against her wet pussy. “I’ll never be tired of your kisses, or the way you’re stroking me off and looking at me like that.” Then, for the first time in a while, I broke eye contact. Flattening my tongue, I started at her ass and licked a long hard stripe up the center of her. “I’ll be hungry for you on my deathbed, baby. It’ll make no difference whether you’re there
or not
.”

That was a fact surer than any vow I’d ever make.

NORA—Thursday, July 3, 2008

I
’d never wanted someone so desperately, but
were
we worth it? I didn’t know. Regardless, what did I have to lose by listening? I needed to hear what he had to say.

I sat on the edge of my couch staring off into space, thinking. I wanted to stay for him, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to feel like I was just rolling over. Doing what he told me to do.

I was curious but cautious. I was scared, and I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

So, I did what I needed to do, made a call, and it actually worked out for the best.

He wouldn’t be gone long. So I went to my room, took off my dress and heels, threw a long t-shirt over my head, and heard him knocking when I walked back out.

I didn’t rush though. I was so unsure of everything still, but there was only one way to find out what he meant by,
“Things changed.”

I was dying to know what he was thinking. Something
had
shifted. I remembered feeling it the night before, too.

I tried to be as quiet as a mouse as I pressed against the peephole. Maybe seeing him would give me a clue as to what he thought because I needed insight. Through the glass, he stood tall.

He looked patient, but then he didn’t. His hand lifted to knock again and instead he looked at his watch, then down the hall to the elevators.

I felt guilty spying on him, but I also liked the glimpse.

On his face, I saw excitement. Nerves. Anticipation. All things I could relate to. I felt much the same way.

With my hand on the door knob, I took a deep breath and opened it. I was aware of what I wanted to happen.

His face was hopeful, yet still very stoic. Very Reagan.

“Did he pick her up?” I asked as I opened the door half way.

He looked down my body, noticing I’d changed right away. When he got to my bare feet, he let out a breath that looked like insurmountable relief.

“He did,” he answered and shook out one of his hands. “You’re not leaving?”

What was I to say?

“They canceled.” I watched for his reaction, but he didn’t give away much now that the door was open.

He said calmly, much more relaxed than he’d been earlier, “Can we talk?”

I knew what the end result would be, and I’d been waiting for it. I’d tried to ignore my feelings, but I couldn’t anymore.

I wanted him.

We’d probably talk for hours, but I knew there was a good chance I’d change my mind. I’d have time to second guess what I felt, and I just wanted to be in the moment. In this case, there was no benefiting from my doubt.

Still, I couldn’t fight it. I had to sample him, knowing full well I might not be satisfied with only a taste. I wanted to feel him, savor him, touch him, and I wanted to do it before I had a chance to let my head catch up.

“We could talk all night, Reagan. Or…” I said widening the door for him to pass by. He walked in, and I locked it.

“Or…?” he queried. I stepped closer to him and couldn’t help but feel like he was mildly uncomfortable, which mysteriously made me feel more confident. We were chest to chest, and his hands were still at his sides, not reaching out to touch me like he had before.

“Or we could give in to it and see what it feels like before we even worry about it.” I leaned up to kiss him, but his eyes gave me pause. “Let’s see if it’s worth it,” I said, and he swallowed hard, his neck moving right in front of me.

I placed a kiss on his Adam’s apple and rubbed it with my thumb.

His hands closed in on my waist.

Looking up at him, I added, “If it is, we can talk about it tomorrow.”

“I need you to be very clear here because I’m seconds away from…”

I interrupted with a finger on his stern lips. “I want you to fuck me, Reagan.”

His eyes closed and his jaw tensed, then in a voice that made my blinking slow and my heart hammer, he requested, “Nora, say it again.
Please
.”

I gave it zero thought. “I want you to fuck me.”

His hand touched my cheek, then his lips pressed to mine. I lifted myself higher to reach more of him, up on the balls of my feet.

Reagan kissed me. There was no doubt about it, and I let him.

He held my face in his hands and leaned down into me, too. Tipping his head slightly to claim more of my mouth. His tongue swept across both my lips, and like the tiny move was the magic password, I opened them more for him.

And I loved it.

He was a glass of water on a hot day, quenching. A long bath after hours of work, inviting. This kiss was the lightning you see before a storm, and I prepared myself for all of hell to break loose.

He might have had a silver tongue for conversation, but it was gold at kissing.

He exchanged my face for my ass in his strong hands, and he pulled me closer. My arms wrapped around him for stability, and because it felt so natural to do it. He dipped and slid his hands along my thighs and hoisted me up, straightening with my encircled legs around his waist. I linked my feet behind him and gave a little squeeze, earning the most divine moan in history.

I replied with one in kind as he walked us somewhere. I wasn’t concerned, I was too busy moving my lips down his jaw, finding he was warm and delicious everywhere. When I reached the spot below his ear, he breathed
fuck
on an exhale that sounded somewhere in between a prayer and a growl.

We lowered, and I peeked to see that we were still in the living room and sitting on the ottoman at the end of my chaise lounge. With his hands free, he took advantage. They wandered under my top, one ran up my back, and the other cupped my breast. As he kneaded, I kissed him back harder, until I couldn’t take how good his dominant touch felt on my skin, and my head tipped back.

Reagan rewarded me with another moan as I ground into him, and he passionately attacked my neck.

It all felt so good, and I wanted to take my time. However, something else was killing me. I wanted to see him, all of him. Feel him. When that notion became clear to me, my hands tampered with his belt trying to make their way to him.

I scooted back to get better access. When his belt was free, he ripped it away and threw it across the room and then lifted my old jersey shirt over my head.

I fumbled with his button and then worked his zipper. Frantically, like a child opening a birthday present with candle smoke still in the air. It was urgent.

What if suddenly I changed my mind?

What if he changed his?

“Nora,” he said peppering kisses across my shoulder, but I thought it was rhetorical and stayed focused on my prize.

“Nora,” he repeated but didn’t raise his voice. “Baby, slow down.”

Baby
.

My fingers slowed, before reaching him. I didn’t know how I felt about that term, but it caught my attention, so I met his eyes. They were a much warmer brown, almost like honey and he looked genuine when he said, “There’s no need to rush. I’ll give it to you. Slow down a minute. Let me look at you.”

But I wanted to look at him.

With a gentle hand, he pushed me back, and I reclined for him. He made a low rumble, then his mouth licked and sucked at my chest as he unhooked my bra from the back. He nimbly pulled the front of it away, exposing me. I didn’t have large, bouncing breasts. I had small ones, nothing to write home about.

He’d see this, and I’d be allowed to continue.

He leaned back a little to get a full view, and his eyes scored my skin, leaving no spot unseen. It made me anxious, like I was being examined. I wasn’t used to, nor had I ever craved, that type of attention. He brushed the pad of his thumb over my nipple. His expression was too much, so I diverted my attention to what he was doing instead.

That relaxed me immensely. I’d fantasized about watching him do similar things to me. Only in my dreams, I was a third party watching it all happen. It was different in the moment. I was experiencing it, not observing it.

“Stand up for me,” he requested.

Again, my body obeyed. I put a foot on the floor and leaned my weight on it. Not satisfied with my near compliance, Reagan moved my other leg so that it was on the floor too, and pitched forward to kiss my belly. He ran a hand smoothly up the back of my leg, up my ass to the top of my underwear, then tucked his fingers under the edge to lower them, bringing his hand to the front when they became stubborn.

I ran a hand through his hair, feeling like I was being studied. It made me self-conscious standing there completely naked, my underwear at my feet, as he took me in.

He glanced up at me and read something in my expression. “Are you okay?” He didn’t look stern or the slightest bit aggressive in that moment. His face was relaxed, his parted lips slightly fuller and red from kissing.

I nodded.

He lifted his ass and pulled his pants off, kicking his shoes away at the same time.

Forgetting my exposure, I was distracted by his. He was groomed, and as he sat the muscles in his thighs flexed. He hung to the right. Totally gorgeous.

What a beautiful, perfect man.

I sat, straddling him, and helped him take off his shirt.

Maybe he had a point. I could slow down. As I worked the buttons, he watched my fingers, a smile on his lips. Then, he looked up at me again, handsome and pleased.