Knots (12 page)

“And why did you do that?”

“I don’t know . . . I guess because I felt helpless and wanted to be useful.” She gripped her hands together. His hand landed on top of hers. It was incredible how quickly she relaxed due to his skin on hers.

“That’s not why. Tell me the real reason,” he said.

“He was always happy when he ate. And I wanted him to be happy, dammit.” Her jaw clenched.

“Did he stop after seconds?”

“No. He always went for thirds, and I got them for him as well. I thought it was my job to keep him happy that way, and the only time he looked like he was overjoyed was when I was feeding him. He loved my cooking, and that meant a lot to me since, as you experienced today at lunch, his mom’s an amazing cook.” Her hands suddenly flopped to her sides and then she gripped the edges of the seat.

“That wasn’t your fault. Like I told you earlier, you can’t help it. You have a need to serve the one you love.”

“I could serve
you
, but what if I fail?” Her eyes opened.

“Impossible.”

“You say that now.” Her voice cracked.

“You won’t. Know why?” He smiled and glanced at her as he turned a corner a little faster than he probably should have. She leaned toward him, and his grin went wider.

“Because I won’t ignore you the way he did. It won’t grow old or stale. I don’t do vanilla, Jeanie. I do
me
. I do
you
. I do
us
. I will always call when I’m gonna be late. I’ll always let you know what I need and want, so you know exactly how to please me without having to guess. This is what I do, and I do it
right
. You do, too—you know how to please someone. You were just with the wrong person, and that was never your fault. Submissives marry other submissives all the time.”

“Hold on—
what
?” Her eyes widened.

“You know what I said.” His jaw snapped shut.

“You think he was a submissive? But he . . . But I wasn’t and he—he wasn’t gay!”

“I never said he was. There are men with submissive natures—it doesn’t mean he was gay. I know he was straight. He loved you, but when you had sex, like we discussed before, it was always the same, right?”

“Yeah.” Her head almost lolled on the headrest as she stared at him in awe. It was crazy how he could almost see into her soul and see her past. How was he this observant? And why did it thrill her he could say these difficult things and make it seem easy? God, he set her blood on fire by merely talking to her candidly.

“He kept it the same because odds are, he didn’t know what to do. He probably kept hoping you’d take over, and when you didn’t, things kind of stalled and it was probably awkward for both of you at times.”

“How the hell do you know all this? Did he tell you this stuff?” Her voice was all breathy, and she hated how obvious it was she was aroused by him. It wasn’t all about the physical either. It was the mental more than anything—the way he got in her head.

“No. He never talked about your sex life, and if he’d tried, I wouldn’t have let him. It would’ve killed me.”

“It would?”

“Yeah.” He slid his teeth over his bottom lip, and the gesture was innocent enough, but to her, it was potent and obscene. Her thighs slid together to quell the throb building between them.

“Most of the time it was fine, but yes, I admit, there were times neither of us seemed to know what to do, and forget about talking during. If either of us tried to dirty talk or say what we wanted, we’d wind up laughing or it would just kind of fizzle. God, this sounds pathetic, and it really wasn’t. He was a good lover, and I thought I was okay at it, too, but maybe I’m in denial.”

The car rolled to a stop.

She blinked and glanced around. “Is there a reason we’re back at this beach?”

“Neutral territory. You said you were already afraid of the kind of sway I have over you. We need to discuss it, and if I bring you back to my place, I’ll have no choice but to show you why that’s a good thing.”

She fought off a visible shiver and wrapped her arms around herself.

“You said you wanted to get to know me better first, so let’s start this by taking a walk. I’m gonna share with you the first time we met—and what you did to me.”

“What I
did
to you?” Her mouth dropped open, and her eyes widened. She failed to blink.

“And what you’ve continued to do to me every day since. You’re a part of me, and I can’t let go of that part, because it’s the best fucking piece of my soul. Before you, I don’t know if I even had half a one. But now, I look at you, I breathe in your scent, and I know I have one because I only want what’s best for you—to see you smile, hear you laugh, watch you come undone with pleasure.”

She slid away from him an inch. Her clit tingled. How the hell did he know exactly what to say to make it throb like that?

She looked away.

“Come—walk with me,” he said.

He got out of the car, helped her out, and they both took their shoes off and chucked them into the foot well.

She waited for him to lock up, and the moment his hand was extended, she lunged for it.

He chuckled, and right when she thought he’d kiss her, he leaned in and ran his lips across her forehead. “I have power over
you
? I can’t even tell you what it does to me to see you react like this—to want to be near me—want to touch me at all.”

Her cheeks heated, and she stared at him with a lazy smile. “Really?”

“I already told you—I never lie, and you, clever girl, have a way of making me damn near close to being speechless and breathless. That’s quite a talent you have.”

He tugged on her hand, pulling them toward the beach.

“Story time—listen carefully, because I don’t know if I’ll be able to say this more than once.” He squinted once the sun hit their faces, and he turned them away from the harsh rays. The sun wasn’t quite setting yet, but it would be soon, and there was something about a day ending, with him at her side, that heated her insides into a smooth, silky feeling.

“I don’t know if you remember the first time we met four years ago, but I remember it better than anything that’s ever happened to me,” he began.

She nodded and squeezed his hand to encourage him to continue.

“You were wearing this black little dress, and your legs went on forever in those matching black strappy heels. I was caught up in how sexy you were right away, but I could’ve gotten past that. I was with another woman, and she and I got along great. But then Pono introduced us, and the second I shook your hand, there was this heat between us—like a spark of something dormant inside me came to life. You smiled, spoke with the softest, sexiest voice I’ve ever heard. And then when Pono left you to go get drinks for both of you, I was taken aback at how readily you followed my lead. I gripped the back of your elbow, led you over to the table where my date was and chose where you sat. You were so comfortable with my touch right away that I wanted more.”

She swallowed, and her steps slowed a little. Could they walk this beach forever? The low, sensual timber of his voice had her so aroused she was free-flowing between her thighs.

Breathe—in and out, Jeanie, like the waves.

In.

Out.

Tide comes in—washes it all away.

Only nothing was being washed clean with her.

The more he spoke, the dirtier she felt, only she wanted to stay dirty with him. And he wasn’t even saying anything naughty—
yet
.

Would he?

God, her heart clenched and filled with hope.

What was wrong with her that she wanted him to talk dirty to her? Somehow, she knew he could say things without reservation most men wouldn’t dare speak.

She stared at the breaking waves on the beach, trying to scrub her mind clean.

“I sat you next to my date, and you were polite, listened to her attentively, but every time I spoke, you almost jumped to attention. You didn’t even seem to notice that I watched your every eyelash flutter. Within seconds, I knew you were hungry, saw what food you were eyeing, and I ordered you a meal. Not once did you give me a dirty look, but my date did—several times.”

“Foooohhhhhh,” she exhaled long and slow—slower than the eventual setting sun.

Her insides were bursting with riotous sensations because not only were his words inciting her to a frenzy inside, but his free hand was drifting up and down her arm, making it burst into inseparable chills from each motion and each sound he made.

“You kept looking over at me while you ate, as if for permission or feedback. I’d nod, and you’d dig in. It was the oddest thing—the way you were synced to me almost immediately. And when Pono returned, it didn’t seem to matter.”

“Did he notice?”

“No. He had his drink, ordered his own plate of food and he started joking around with the other guys at the table. You were gracious with him, and at one point, not only did you lean over and refill his glass with the pitcher of beer on the table, but you looked to me, I nodded and you filled mine as well. All wordless exchanges, but you didn’t have to say a fucking word. I was harder than a rock for you, and when I got you to speak to me later, engaged you in conversation, it was worse. I found out how talented, accomplished and lovely you are. I could tell Pono didn’t appreciate what he had in you—that he was taking you for granted and holding you back. God, I wanted to fly into a rage at him, but instead, I saw to it your needs were met that night.”

She swallowed harder, and her throat went dry. He took care of her, and she didn’t notice?

“What happened the next time Pono and I met with you?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Not really—I’m sorry, Mark. Most of the time when I was near you, it was like a blur. I couldn’t think—all I could do was chase my breath and try to calm my speeding heart. I didn’t know why I always felt that way around you, so I told myself you frightened and intimidated me, and to stay away. I tried to stop looking at you, but instead, I found myself sneaking fleeting glances when I thought you were otherwise engaged.”

“I saw—probably almost every single one. I always knew where you were, what you were doing, and if Pono was near you, I tried to respect him and keep my distance, but dammit, that was hard to do.” He rubbed the inside of her arm—the sensitive flesh prickling.

She rolled her head forward and closed her eyes, trying to absorb the electric vibe his flesh gave off.

“That second time I saw you, I knew I was gonna have a hard time keeping away from you, so I made sure to sit you in the center of the booth, far enough away from me that you were out of my reach. You looked miserable for a split second when I sat you down, and that’s when I knew . . .”

“Knew what?”

“You felt it, too,” he said, stopping them from walking and gripping her upper arms. “You needed that fierce connection.”

He loomed over her, his hot breath fanning over her forehead. “You knew I wanted to be closer, and you didn’t know why you were upset, but you knew something was wrong.” He licked his lips.

She frowned. “I sound like the worst wife ever—cheating without even realizing it.”

“But you didn’t cheat, and that was part of the reason you were so miserable. You didn’t want to feel that way about another man, but it was inevitable.”

“Great.” She shoved her right foot deep into the sand and stared at it. “How can you even trust me at all—knowing all this about me?”

“Hey—don’t do that.” He cupped her chin and tilted her gaze up. “You didn’t do anything wrong. We can’t help it if we have a chemistry that defies understanding. The reason I can trust you is because you were always careful around me, and you made sure not to take any risks. That’s a woman I can admire. That’s a woman that makes it known with her body language she won’t ever cheat. I love that about you. I respect that you have such a strong conscience. I probably wouldn’t have been so insanely attracted to you if you’d been any other way. I could get other women easily if I wanted to. But it’s not because you were the forbidden—it was always because you were the right one for me. I need you to trust I will always respect your wishes, like I did then, and I’ll do it now. I won’t ever hurt you.”

“I thought pain was the whole damn point of your lifestyle,” she said, the left corner of her mouth slanted down.

“The whole point is to push further than possible, feel more than what’s expected and find that deep connection that can’t be found any other way. Untold pleasure is what I want to give you, and a love that makes your bones ache, it’s so good. That’s what I’m offering, and what I ask in return is for your unending trust and devotion—and I know you can do both of those because I’ve seen you do both with Pono and me, albeit in increments and in minute ways. But when they were there, my fucking God—I about died to have you. Say yes again, Jeanie. Confirm you want this.” He pushed out an explosive-sounding exhale. “Give me a week to get to know you, do small things with you from my lifestyle to introduce you, then two weeks to take it further, explore and see where we land together. There’s no way you’ll regret this. Say yes—I need to hear it once more.” He cupped her hand in his, then placed her palm over his heart.