Knowing the Ropes (19 page)

And for a few weeks, Nick managed to believe that he wasn’t all that worried about her. Concerned, sure, but as Selene had said, since Natalie hadn’t let him know where she was or what she needed in the way of help, there wasn’t much he could do.

By dint of spending a day repeating it to himself until it sounded true, he convinced himself that while she’d gotten herself into a situation most people wouldn’t like, it might work out for her in the long run. She longed to give absolute submission, after all, had wanted it enough she’d left him to find someone who wanted to take complete control.

Actually being in that situation, though, must require a huge adjustment, and it wasn’t surprising she’d have days when it seemed like she couldn’t handle it.

After work, it was easy not to think about Natalie. Without ever discussing it, he and Selene had fallen into a pattern of getting together most evenings, except when Selene needed time for homework. Their explorations of BDSM, dominance and submission pretty much wore him out, let him sleep without waking in the night wondering if Natalie was okay.

During the workday, he threw himself into the latest project with a vigor and enthusiasm that he himself recognized as avoidance. Selene’s school was too far from his office to grab lunch with her regularly—only on Tuesdays did her class schedule allow her to meet up with him. But he made a point of going out with his coworkers when he could.

He kept telling himself that it was just to get away from his desk, from work that could otherwise eat his brain completely. It was healthy to see the sun occasionally rather than his cubicle walls and his computer screen, good to talk to his colleagues about something other than the project—or even to talk to them about the project over halfway decent Thai food instead of in the office.

And good, he reasoned, to avoid the temptation to spend his lunch hour sending Selene the sort of text messages that would at best leave them both distracted all afternoon and at worst eventually get one or both of them in trouble at work. The kind that directed her to go into the bathroom and play with herself but not come, or to take a picture of her pussy with her phone and send it to him, or to do a little striptease in an empty classroom so she ended up panty-free, not trying to let others see her but not caring if they did, either.

Okay, he wouldn’t really ask her to do that quite so publicly. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t threaten her with it.

Yeah, he had it bad. He was getting turned on just thinking about naughty text messages. Not even writing them, just pondering what to write. Then again, Selene had that effect on him. She didn’t need to be doing anything to him to make him hard; she just needed to respond to his verbal banter and he’d want her on the spot.

He needed to remind himself there was life besides work and kinky sex. Remind himself that there was life beyond Selene, Selene’s curves, Selene’s insatiable curiosity and willingness to try just about anything once, Selene’s sexuality. That there were people in his life other than her.

Selene was the one who brought up another theory. “You actually went to lunch with
Craig
today?” she asked, her face incredulous and a little concerned.

“A group of people that included Craig. I was feeling restless, needed to get out.”

“Was it a really good lunch?”

He shrugged. “Just the deli. Nothing special.”

They were already holding hands across the restaurant table—they were waiting for their sushi—but she covered his hand with her free one and squeezed. “You’re worried sick about Natalie.” He didn’t answer right away, just stared at Selene, wondering why she’d been able to see so quickly what had been hidden to him. Wondering how he could squirm away from things he didn’t feel like contemplating when he’d much rather be contemplating a good dinner and the prospect of better-than-good sex.

“What are you thinking?” she finally said.

“What I did to deserve to meet someone who’s wise as well as beautiful and sexy? And how I can be sure to keep doing it so you’ll stick around.”

Unfortunately for him, the wisdom he’d mentioned wasn’t derailed by his flattery. She just rolled her eyes and said, “Nice attempt to change the subject, Nick.”

“I
was
thinking that…among other things.”

“And those other things?”

What he’d been thinking, or more accurately feeling, wasn’t the kind of thing he normally admitted to women. At least not to women he was dating, women who preferred to see him as dominant and in control, women he wanted to impress with his self-control.

Selene was stable, though. Sensible. She could handle his imperfections and still want him. Maybe she’d even have a good idea about the situation.

He opened his mouth to speak.

When he’d tried to talk to Natalie about self-doubts and fears, she’d become convinced that she’d failed him, that if she were good enough, submissive enough, loyal enough, he’d be completely confident, one hundred percent dominant male, undiluted by weakness or worry. Or a trace of actual thought, perhaps, but that wasn’t the point. The point was he’d blown Natalie’s illusions and it had scared and hurt her.

He closed his mouth again.

How could he let Selene know how helpless he felt, how frustrated…how impotent?

She seemed like she’d be able to distinguish between the in-control dom and the human being who didn’t always know what to do. But he didn’t want to risk blowing her fantasy and destroying her interest in him.

He didn’t want to take that chance. At the same time, he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t concerned about Natalie. She’d think less of him if he didn’t worry.

“I’m half tempted to start driving around the North Conway area with a picture of her, asking questions,” he finally said. That sounded strong and decisive, or at least tough and ready to take action.

Selene’s smile clearly said,
Better to laugh than to cry
. “I understand the temptation. But there’s a lot of territory to cover up there, and if it’s anything like the area I grew up in, half the roads don’t have signs. The post office probably won’t give you a street address to go with the PO box, and if she’s staying home as much as it sounds like she is, people in the nearest town may not recognize her.”

He sighed. Getting hit with the wet haddock of reality was never pleasant, even when it was administered by an attractive woman. “I bet if anyone did recognize her, they’d decide I was a psycho stalker ex-boyfriend and lie. Certainly what I’d do if some stranger came poking around asking questions about a cute female neighbor.” He considered his audience for a split second. “Or any neighbor, although I’d be more suspicious if it were a cute female one. If they were asking about the odd mobsterish guy next door, I’d probably think
undercover cop
rather than
crazy ex,
but I’d still put them off until I saw proper ID.”

“Would you like me to try calling her again? Who knows if she’ll answer or call back, but at least there’s a chance….”

“Please.”

He knew he should be glad Selene was willing to jump into the breach, willing to take action, but it just served to underscore how little he could do for Natalie.

After he’d helped push her into her current situation.

Craig caught Nick at the coffee shop the next day, before he was awake enough for dodging assholes.

“So, how’s it going?” Craig asked in a manner that layered all sorts of swarmy meanings into the simple question. “Haven’t seen you”—a slight, significant hesitation—“outside of work lately.”

Meaning Kinksters munches and meet-ups, because he and Craig didn’t see each other in any other context. He and Selene hadn’t been bothering to go. They saw Alison and Garth and some of the other Kinksters socially once in a while, but given the choice between going to a munch and talking about kink and
doing
kink with a beautiful, eager woman, the choice was crystal clear.

“Been busy lately.” Nick took a swig of coffee to avoid the temptation to say more.

“Good busy?”

The obvious fishing pushed one button too many. Nick nodded and flashed the best approximation of a shit-eating grin that he could produce with a mouth full of iced latte.

“Ever hear anything from Serena or Serendipity or Serenity or whatever her name was?” It was painfully obvious Craig not only remembered Selene’s name but also every detail of his smashingly unsuccessful attempt to flirt with her. “I wasn’t sure how committed she was, but I’m kind of surprised I haven’t seen her around. Still, I suppose that crowd doesn’t suit everyone.”

Nick swallowed his coffee and with it the urge to say something along the lines of
I don’t think we’re really in the same crowd. You’re a wannabe, and everyone knows it
.

He couldn’t, though, resist the urge to say, “I’ll tell Selene tonight that you were asking after her.”

Craig made a face like a fish out of water.

Nick’s mouth started working before his still-caffeine-deprived brain could stop it. “If she doesn’t make me forget anything half so mundane within thirty seconds of seeing her. We’re still at that can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other stage.”

This time, the sated grin, unhampered by coffee, was probably obvious enough that everyone looking in his general direction realized Nick McCutcheon was a happy man.

“I’ve been a bit busy too. Very nice summer and fall. Met a few interesting young ladies and one of them seems to be shaping up promisingly.”

Well, the world was full of idiots, and Craig did seem to find playmates easily enough. Keeping them might be another matter, but his smutty talk, dominant posturing and slightly used good looks seemed to work in the short run. People said guys thought with their dicks. The fact that Craig managed to get laid on a regular basis was proof that women weren’t immune to the same problem.

“Glad to hear you’ve met someone. Do she and your wife get along?”

“Very funny.”

When he saw the look on Craig’s face, Nick wished he’d fought off the urge to gloat.

It wasn’t the annoyance at being asked about his wife. Nick expected that. Hell, he deserved that for being deliberately obnoxious. But a grown man shouldn’t look that nakedly needy and envious, like a toddler who wanted his brother’s toy. At least not in a coffee shop at eight thirty on a Thursday morning.

There was a certain cheap satisfaction in knowing that someone wanted what, or in this case, who, you had, and sometimes when someone was macho-posturing at you, it was impossible to resist the temptation to posture back, bigger and badder. But by rubbing Craig’s nose in his own happiness, he’d only made the tension between them worse.

That was the last thing either of them needed, considering they had to work together until the IRS decided it was satisfied with their current project—which, at the rate things were going, might be a long time.

Chapter Nineteen

“So, how are things going?”

As she dried the glasses that Alison handed to her, Selene shrugged. “All right, I guess. School’s great, and the contract web work is a lot better than being locked at one company full time. But I don’t feel like I’m connecting to anyone except you guys and Nick. Are people in Boston not very friendly?”

“So it’s been rumored. Or maybe it has something to do with you getting a new boyfriend so soon after moving here? Like maybe you’re a little distracted?”

Selene laughed. “Yeah, Nick’s definitely distracting, though he’s not exactly a boyfriend.”

Before she’d said it, the thought hadn’t been disturbing, just the matter-of-fact truth that was easy to accept when she wasn’t in Nick’s arms. As the words came out, though, she felt like she’d swallowed a stone. She’d been calling him a boyfriend to Molly, not sure how to describe the relationship that wouldn’t make Molly’s head explode, but that wasn’t what he was, was he?

She reminded herself firmly that when she’d gotten in the relationship, she’d been clear she wanted to keep it casual, for all kinds of reasons that still applied.

Besides, even if her feelings had changed, Nick’s hadn’t.

Alison glanced toward the kitchen door before she answered, a very conspiratorial look accompanied by a smile to match. “So, what would you call him?”

“Hotter than hell?”

“Well, duh,” Alison said. “I’ve been at enough play parties with him to know that.”

The wave of jealousy—completely stupid jealousy, since it had to do with a time when she hadn’t even known Nick, let alone been dating (or whatever the right word was) him—almost dragged her under. She tried to fight it and mostly succeeded, but apparently not quickly enough to hide it from Alison’s quick eyes.

“Are you sure
boyfriend
isn’t the right word? Because I saw you turning all green-eyed there, and your eyes are definitely brown.”

This time, it was Selene’s turn to look at the kitchen door, not to give a sense of
we’re all girls together
, but to be sure there was no possibility of Nick walking in on them and overhearing.

“I don’t know what he is. With boyfriends, you go to movies and play mini-golf and go grocery shopping and sit around on Sunday morning in your pajamas drinking coffee and reading the
Globe
and argue about whose family you’ll see at Thanksgiving
.
Normal, everyday stuff.”