Kya & Xavier: It's Always Been You (Life As We Know It Book 1) (21 page)

Chapter 16

Kya Renee

               
I don’t
know why I let things like this get to me. He was right it happened all the
time, girls calling, texting, randomly showing up begging for his attention.
Partly because he had given it to them before and they wanted it again and some
just because they were curious about what he had to offer. Either way I should
be used to it but just because it happened all the time didn’t mean that I was.
It made me hate him sometimes because it was unfair that I had given so much of
myself and he had taken it for granted over and over again.

               
I really
wanted to believe that this time was going to be different but with every call
and every text I lost a little bit of hope that I could count on him to protect
my heart. Xavier was sitting next to me on his bed trying his best to convince
me that
 
he wasn’t up to his old ways but
I was currently having a hard time believing him.

               
“Can I
ask you something?” He asked calmly.

               
I
nodded.

               
“Have
you ever been with anybody else?”
Wow,
really?

               
I had no
idea where that came from and I defiantly wasn’t expecting it so it kind of
threw me for second.

               
“Would
it matter?” I stood grabbed all of the clothes that I had thrown on his bed and
floor and began shoving them back in my bag.

               
“Not
really.” He said and then looked at me. “I just want to know.”
Yeah right!

               
I knew
he was lying and I was certainly sure that he knew the answer before he asked the
question.
Well he knew about Ty any way
.
Our junior year during one of our many breakups I had decided I had enough and
let things go too far with a guy named Ty that I had been using as a
distraction to help me forget about Xavier. I know that he found out and
because he nearly beat the crap of out of him during a basketball game that
they had been playing together at local gym. Ty felt like he had one up on
Xavier and he kept getting in his face trying to pick a fight with him and when
he
 
didn’t get the reaction that he was
looking for he purposely let it slip that we had been together. Xavier lost it
and jumped all over him leaving Ty with a broken jaw and a bruised ego. He
never told me about it but of course it got around school even though to this day
we have never once mentioned it.

               
There
was only one other guy my freshman year of college which is why me and Tequilla
don’t mix. Toni will never let me forget that bad decision and lord knows I
regret it too this day but oh well you live and you learn. As far as I was
concerned Xavier would never find out about that even though he really couldn’t
feel any type of way about it.

               
“If it
doesn’t matter then there’s no point in talking about it then.” I said hoping
to avoid a conversation that I didn’t want to have.

               
“It
doesn’t matter, but I still want to know.” He said looking me dead in my eyes.

               
“Yeah, I
have.” I said bluntly.
My two to your,
hell I didn’t even know how many. He didn't have the right to ask.

               
“I guess
I deserve that.” Was all he said.

               
I just
looked at him but I didn’t say a word. He stood up moved close to me making
sure his body was pressed against mine and then kissed me on my forehead. “It
doesn’t matter.” He said, but I knew better. I knew him.

               
“Are you
mad?”

               
“I can’t
be, can I?’

               
Heck no, you can’t. You have no right at all
to feel any type of way about it A
ll I said was. “It’s late and this is
pointless.”

               
“Good
because I can think of much better things to do.” He buried his face in my neck
and began gently kissing it.

               
“Good
luck with that I’m going to sleep.”

               
“Nah, I
don’t think so.”

               
“I
really am, you’re lucky I’m even up this late.”

               
“Okay
let me give you motivation to change your mind.” He said and then unbuttoned my
jeans. I was done fighting so it was time to make up.

               
When I
woke up the next morning, Xavier was already awake, propped up on his side next
to me with his elbow on the bed and his head resting on a balled up fist. The
TV was on sports center but the volume was so low that you could barely hear
it.

               
“What
time is it” I asked and the stretched.

               
“Eight
something.”

               
“Why on
earth are you up so early?” Xavier was never the type to wake up early unless
something was bothering him.

               
“Couldn’t
sleep.”

               
“I
definitely didn’t have that problem.” I said feeling rested even after being up
past one which I rarely ever did.

               
“You’re
welcome.” He said with an arrogant smirk and then leaned down to kiss me.

               
I
thought about us last night and I smiled. Everything about had been so intense.
I was used to him being that way but I could tell he was working overtime. I
wondered if it was his way of erasing my past after being reminded about me
having been with someone else or if he was just caught in his emotions but
either way I had no complaints.

 
It almost reminded me of our first time which
was actually a pretty horrible experience overall but Xavier made it worth it.
He was so careful and thoughtful like he was afraid that I would break and
honestly at some points I thought I would but he took his time being so patient
with me. I don’t know why people talk about their first time like the heaven
and earths move because if it was anything like my first time it was not an
experience worth celebrating. Honestly made me never want anything remotely
related to sex in my life ever again. Thank goodness Xavier the ability to
change my mind simply by the way he said my name otherwise I might still only
have my first time as a reference and as for us now, well let’s just say that
we’ve actually perfected things in that area.

               
I just
wished that our first time was really “ours” instead of just “mine”. I should
have known that I guy like him would have reached that point long before I ever
thought about it. Maybe if I hadn’t been so naive it wouldn’t have bothered me
so much when I found out that he had been with others before me. My sheltered
world never once allowed me to think about it. It wasn’t until I was confronted
at school by one of his past experiences asking me if he
did
certain things to me that he had
done
to her that reality hit me. She wanted to hurt me and boy did
she but like always he talked his way out of it.

 
I couldn’t really be made could I?
 
It wasn’t like he cheated, they were just
before me but I still felt like they had a piece of him that should have
belonged to only me. He told me that the others were just sex, that I would
never be just sex with him and ever since then he made sure I never felt that
way when we were together.

He promised that he would never give
himself to anyone the way he did when he was with me. I’m sure it was just his
way of trying to make me feel like I had something that the others never did or
ever would but either way it worked because in my mind our experience was ours
and ours alone. Silly I know but I believed him. It’s crazy what we let
ourselves believe to make things seem more real. His voice pulled me out of my
thoughts, “If you want a replay just ask.”
 
He said with a smug look on his face.

               
“Ha ha
funny, Not! I most definitely was not thinking about you.”

               
“It had
everything to do with me, I’m just good like that whether you want to admit it
or not.”

               
“Whatever.”
I sat up and stretched again and decided to get up wash my face and brush my
teeth since I apparently was not going to be allowed to go back to sleep. When
I was done I laid back down next to him. “So why couldn’t you sleep?” I asked.

               
“Just
thinking.”

               
“About?”

               
He
reached over and slide his hand under my shirt and started playing with the
waist band of the boy cut boxers that I was wearing by sliding his thumb under
it and then lifting it to let it gently pop back around my waist.

               
“I’ve
been thinking about trying to find my dad.”

               
I didn’t see that coming.
“Seriously?”

               
“Yeah, I
figure why not. I’m twenty and I don’t want anything from him so I feel like he
would at least have a conversation with me.”

               
“That’s
true. Does your aunt know how to find him?”

               
“Nah,
but she said he graduated from NC State and he’s coaching at a high school
somewhere near here so it shouldn’t be hard to find him.”

               
“Have
you looked yet?”

               
“Nah, I
wasn’t really sure if I wanted to.”

               
I sat
up, “Well lets google him?”

               
He
grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back towards him. “Not now, I’ve got
something better in mind.”

               
“I have
to leave soon.”

               
He
rolled over on top of me and balanced his weight on his arms. “Is that a no?” He
asked and then smiled at me.
I hate you,
you know I can’t say no even if I want to and trust me, I do not want to.

               
“It’s
not a no, it’s an I have to get ready or I won’t make it to my lab.”

               
He
lowered his body and picked up the remote and then pressed a button to check
the time. “You have an hour that’s plenty of time.”

               
“I…” he
kissed me before I could finish.

               
“So
that’s a yes.” He pressed his body against mine to let me know that he was
already halfway there. I placed my hand on the back of his neck and then pulled
him into another kiss. No sense in wasting the moment.

Xavier Lee

               
I was
sitting in my Math class about two seconds from falling asleep when my professor
decided that we would have an impromptu quiz over a lesson that was just
explained. A lesson that I had not been paying attention two because my mind
was stuck on last night and this morning. Kya and I never had issues with our
physical relationship it was the commitment part that suffered. Mostly because
of me
well all because of me
but I’ll
own that I’m the first to admit that I have had serious issues with being
exclusive, but I knew for certain that Kya was my one. Even if my actions don’t
always show it, she was it for me.

               
I hadn’t
quite figured out why I did the things that I did when it came to her like the
cheating and lack of commitment but one thing I knew for sure was that she
owned a part of me that would always belong to her. Maybe my problem was that I
was still young or possibly it was that the only so called commitment that I
had ever known was painful and dangerous. Either way I just didn’t seem to have
it in me no matter how hard I tried.

But last night was a reality check, I
was reminded that there was always a possibility that if I pushed her hard
enough that one day she might just walk away and never look back. Just thinking
about her being with someone else sent the feeling of fire through my veins but
the only person I could blame was myself. If I had been the man that she needed
me to be I had no doubt in my mind that I would have been the only person that
she ever gave herself to.

               
I guess
that was one of the reasons why I’m so different with her verses all the
others. It was like I drew a line in my head when I was with other girls, no
matter who they were or what they offered I shut down and with them it was just
sex, no emotional connection. I would tell Ky that every time I got caught
cheating or she found out about me being with someone else but I knew that she
didn’t really understand what that meant. If I was with anybody other than Ky
it was definitely all about me and what I needed and as cruel as that sounded I
really didn’t care how they feel about it. I know that made me seem like a real
ass hole but it’s the only way that I knew how to keep that separation clearly
defined.

With Kya I get lost I in her, she had
a way of drawing me in and pulling things out of me that no one else could.
Every touch, every movement, every kiss mattered and she was the only one who made
that happen. Maybe it was just all in my head or maybe it was just how I felt
but it was something that belonged to just the two of us. That was love to me.
It was physical but it was love and I knew that I loved her, as much as I could
love someone. The thing was, happy endings didn’t exist in my world so while I
was sure Ky was thinking about forever I honestly didn’t know if I even believed
that it was possible. All I knew was that I needed her and me thinking like that
it was selfish but I it was just the way it was for me. It’s all I was capable
of.

“Mr. Adams, please join the rest of
the class and come answer number seven on the board. It’s worth 100 points
extra credit. I’m feeling generous today.” My professor and half the class were
staring at me because apparently I had been called on and hadn’t been paying
attention. Thank goodness math is like breathing to me. I glanced at the board
and then stood up. As I walked to the front of the class I mentally worked the
problem so that when I reached the board and grabbed the dry erase marker I was
already prepared to scribble out the answer.

“Looks like Mr. Adams is getting
extra credit today. Thank you for finally joining us.” My professor said as I
turned to walk back to my seat.

I skated by with that one fortunately
it was something I already knew because I hadn’t paid attention to one word
that had been going on in class.

-----

 
About twenty minutes later I was in my jeep on
my way back to my dorm hopefully about to catch a nap before practice but when
I got to my room there were about eight people in there laughing, talking loud
and sitting in front of our TV. There were cups and empty wrappers from fast
food all over the counters and tables which immediately pissed me off. Our room
was typically always the hang out room since it was just me and Chaz instead of
having four resident like most of the other suites, but it was starting to get
old. People were in and out of our dorm so much that they felt like it was a
right instead of a privilege. This often led them to believe that what was ours
was theirs from our game system, movies not excluding our food. There had even
been several times that I had come back to our suite and found random people shacked
up with girls in the two empty rooms once everyone found out that you could easily
pick the locks.

“Aye, where’s Chaz.”

               
One of them
who I had never even seen before turned and looked at me. “Who’s asking?”

               
“That’s
his roommate fool, he lives here.” Allen said.

               
“My bad
bruh, what’s good?”

               
“We haven’t
seen him since about an hour ago, he might be in class.”

               
So why the hell are you in my dorm?
I
didn’t say a word, I walked over to the TV, turned it off, went back to the
kitchen picked up the trash can and began pushing the trash off the counters
into it. After a minute or so Allen said, “Alright man, we’re heading out.” I
still didn’t say a word while they all stood up and collected their things none
of which was the trash that belonged to them and then left. At least they hand
enough sense not to say anything to me and besides I was pretty sure they my
mood was definitely a clear warning for them to keep it moving. I hated sorry,
disrespectful people, this was one of the main reasons why I flew solo most of
the time. People are all about self and they keep inching until they cross the
line or until somebody puts them in check and as far as I was concerned things
around here were definitely about to change.

               
By the
time I finished cleaning up the mess that they left I was fuming so I figured
that it was best for me to wait until I had calmed down to talk to Chaz. He was
my boy but was too free hearted and let people take advantage of that. Me on
the other hand, I didn’t really give a shit if people liked me or not so I had
a tendency to say and do whatever I wanted even if it meant pissing people off.
I stepped out of my shoes and then laid on my stomach with my arms bent in
front of me and then buried my face in them, hopefully sleep would calm me
down.

               
When I left
for practice Chaz still hadn’t made it back yet which was good because I had
overslept and barely made it to practice on time but I needed to talk to him as
soon as possible because we were done with all the random traffic that we had
been seeing lately. It was getting out of hand and besides if one of them said
or did the wrong thing when it came to Ky, things weren’t going to go well. I
was not much of a people person as it was so I was already over having these
idiots constantly in and out of our dorm but since Ky had been spending more
time here I was definitely about to put an end to it. She was a line that
didn’t get crossed without some serious repercussions so it was best if I fixed
the problem before it got to that point.

               
I parked
my Jeep and got up noticing that most of the team’s cars were already there so
I grabbed my practice bag, locked my doors and took off toward the gym. Almost
everyone was changed and some of them were actually already shooting around so
I changed as quickly as I could and joined my team on the floor. Coach walked in
and every one gathered around him to find out what damage he had in mind for
the day.

               
“We play
Central tomorrow and if you guys can keep your heads out your asses long enough
to actually play some ball we should walk away from that game pretty easily so
if you give me one good solid hour today then I’ll cut it short today.”

               
Thank goodness I thought because I wasn’t
really in the mood to spend three hours full of pointless suffering.

               
“What up
Zay.” Ethan said and then extended a closed fist towards me followed my Trey
who did the same.

               
“Yeah,
what’s good bruh?” Trey said.

               
We lined
up under the goal to begin our warm up and then took off sprinting to half
court on coach’s whistle.

               
“Man,
I’m so ready for this season to be done.” I said when we reached our starting
point again.

               
“You? This
has been the longest season ever.” Trey said.

               
We took
off sprinting again.

               
“I’m
just tired of traveling.” Ethan said “My professors couldn’t careless and this
semester is killing me.”

               
“I’m
actually failing two classes right now because I have two weeks’ worth of makeup
work to turn in. When the hell am I supposed to find time to write three
research papers and annotate six boring ass poems?” Trey said.

               
“I feel
you. I’m not failing but its killing me to keep up. I sleep in just about every
class and its catching up with me.” I added.

               
“And a brother’s
sex life is starting to suffer.” Trey said when finished our last sprint.

               
“You’re
on your own with that one. Didn’t coach tell us about priorities and responsibilities?
It is a priority that we make it our responsibility to service those in need.”
Ethan said.

               
“I
second that. Where there is a will there is a way.” I said.

               
“Easier
said than done, both of you have a definite yes on standby. I need time to each
day find a willing and able participant which is almost impossible to do because
I’m either at a game, at practice, on a way to a game or on the way home from
game.” Trey said.

               
“Damn
man that’s why you’re failing, I didn’t here class or studying anywhere in that
line up.” I said and laughed.

               
“Like
coach said priorities man. Priorities.” Trey said and then laughed.

“Adams, let’s go. This practice isn’t
going to run itself.” Coach yelled and then turned to walk off and a few minutes
later I was at the top of the key calling out a play and counting down the
minutes until practice was over.

               
When
practice was finally done I decided to stay and take an ice bath because my
muscles were aching and it had been awhile so Ethan decided to stay and do the
same. Everyone else was gone so it was quiet in the locker room aside from the
water running in the metal tubs. We used buckets to fill them with ice from the
machine that was outside the locker room and when they were both full we sank
down into them cussing until or bodies were so numb that the initial shock had worn
off. My sleeveless drifit shirt and practice shorts weren’t doing me much
justice because it still felt like the ice was piercing my skin but I had
gotten used to it and after about a minute or so I settled into the pain.

               
“Do did
you ever decide whether or not you’re going to look for your dad?” Ethan asked
and then looked around as if he was expecting to see someone walk into the
room. I sure it was because he respected the fact that I wasn’t big on letting
people into my personal business and was trying to make sure no one else was
around.

               
I had
forgotten that I hadn’t talk to him about the fact that I had decided to try
and find my dad.

“Yeah, I figure what the hell. He’ll
either see me or he won’t. If nothing else he should at least have a
conversation with me since I don’t want anything from him.”

“Yeah I can’t see why not.”

“It’s weird though, it kind of makes
me feel like I don’t know who I am. I mean I know who I am but I don’t know it’s
hard to explain.”

“I get it. I feel that like that
sometimes. I love my parents but it like there’s another me out there
somewhere. The one that would have existed if my bio parents hadn’t died and
would have actually raised me.”

“Exactly. I spent so much time trying
my to make sure I didn’t end up like Johnny that I feel like I never really
focused on the person that I should really be. Hell I don’t even know who that
is.”

“You’re still you and I really don’t
think that would change much but I get it.”

“I’m like him in so many ways and
that’s the thing that I guess pisses me off the most. I’m that way because he
was around, he was the one I watched and learned from and even though
everything in me fought the urge to wanna be like him I couldn’t help but to be
like him because it’s all I knew.”