Kyland (Sign of Love #7) (21 page)

He scooted closer, keeping eye contact, asking silently if I was okay with him moving toward me. I was. And I shouldn't be. I should tell him to move away. I should tell him I didn't even want to breathe the same air as him. But I didn't. I looked him in the eye and I didn't move away. Very, very slowly, he put his arms around me as if I was a skittish animal who might run at any moment. He pulled me into his broad chest. I sucked back a sob and clutched at his smoky T-shirt. He held me as I finally cried the tears I'd held at bay for so very, very long, and I let him.

We sat there for what seemed like forever, his strong arms around me, his heart beating steadily under my ear. After a little bit my tears dried and I tilted my head up and our eyes met. "Tenleigh," he whispered, his voice as smoky as the rest of him, filled with need.

There were so many things we needed to say to each other, so many things I wanted him to explain to me. So many emotions were swirling in the air around us, so many unanswered questions. But in that moment, it seemed like all that could wait. And so when his lips touched mine, I let out a sound of encouragement, and pressed myself into him. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe . . .
probably.
His tongue entered my mouth tentatively and he let out a groan that sounded half tortured and half blissful. I met his tongue with my own and reached up around his neck to weave my fingers into his short hair. He put his hands gently on either side of my face and tilted my head. The kiss went deeper. Just like the fire we had watched earlier, my whole body felt alight with flames, my flesh burning with need. But fire destroyed. Fire left you devastated and singed beyond recognition. I pulled away, Kyland letting out a small sound of loss. I stared at him, his lips red and wet. He was gazing at me like a starving man looking at a buffet of delicacies. I blinked and looked to the side, trying to control my ragged breathing. I wanted him. Hadn't I always wanted him? Why did everything about us seem so simple and yet so complicated at the same time?

"Kyland, I . . ." I said softly.

"I know," he answered. And I believed that he did even if I didn't entirely.

"You should go home and shower. And I should . . . I have a big day tomorrow."

He was silent for a second and then he nodded. "What you're doing with the school, it's really, well, it's amazing."

"You know what I'm doing?"

He nodded. "I asked about it in town."

"Oh."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I better get going, let you go to sleep."

I nodded. "Okay."

He paused. "Okay."

He stood up. "Do you need anything before I go?"

I shook my head, remembering the time he'd come here unable to ask me to go back to his house to sleep in his bed. Was Kyland still lonely? Something told me he was. But I couldn't offer him anything now. I felt both too empty and too filled with a lingering ache. I had once wanted to give him everything, lay my life and my heart at his feet, but right now, I just couldn't.

"Okay, then, good night."

"Good night." He walked away from me and I watched him retreat. After a minute I stood up and went back inside. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. Sleep was elusive, visions of Kyland and me as we once had been, skating through my mind, snippets of conversations filling my head, the memory of the feel of his rough hand moving across my skin invading my senses. I finally fell into fitful dreams, just as the first light of dawn appeared in the trailer windows.

Kyland

The sun streamed through my window, way too early. I hadn't been able to fall back to sleep after I'd gotten home, showered, and gone to bed—despite the fact that I was exhausted. The truth was I had barely slept a wink since Tenleigh had returned to town.

Tenleigh.

My heart thudded in my chest. I needed to tell her the truth. I'd been about to last night, but the timing had just seemed wrong. How were we going to be able to talk about anything sitting in front of her trailer in the dark? Or maybe I'd just been a coward. But I hoped, I
had
to hope that if I apologized, if she knew the truth, she'd find it in herself to forgive me.

Then again, how did you apologize for a lie when the lie itself was almost as cruel as if it had been the truth?

I brought my hand up to my head and raked my fingers through my hair.

Christ.

And there was the small matter of
him
—Jamie Kearney. Rage and jealousy flashed through my body, propelling me up and out of bed. I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. All the time she was away I'd tortured myself with the knowledge that she was probably dating other men, maybe even falling in love with someone else. It made me feel insane with jealousy. I knew she had loved me, but I'd hurt her so desperately. Her love for me wouldn't be enough to stop her from moving on. And it shouldn't be—I had set her free. It was the choice I'd made—I had to live with it. And so I had, for almost four long years. I just had never expected her to return with Jamie Fucking Kearney of all people. I knew he'd rescued her that day on the road between here and Al's and I was grateful to him for that. But his father was a disgusting pig, and I had no idea what kind of character Jamie had. He could be a nice guy for all I knew. Still, when I'd seen him standing in the lot where Tenleigh's school would be, holding her in his arms, the only thing racing through my mind was all the remote places up in the mountains where a buried body would never, ever be found.

I turned on the stove and started to boil water so I could make some coffee. As I waited for the water to heat, my mind returned to the night before.

I had fucked up so badly since she'd come home. I hadn't been ready to face her, never in a million years imagined it'd be under these circumstances . . .
here
. I'd reacted like a crazy person, or like a complete asshole. She had no way to know that she'd upheaved all my plans. I needed to make this right.

When Tenleigh had let me hold her, comfort her, it'd felt so damn good. If she never forgave me, how would I handle it? The last four years had gone by in dismal misery. But seeing her looking the way she did, classy and sure of herself, it filled me with pride. She'd done exactly what I knew she could do. That same familiar grief and loneliness welled in my chest when I thought about who she used to be, who
I
used to be. Because as much as I was happy about the ways she'd changed, and as much as I accepted who I was now, back then, she'd been mine. Back then, she'd looked at me with trust and love in her eyes. Back then, she'd wanted me, despite all the ways I was lacking. Back then, she'd been willing to fight tooth and nail for me. Back then . . .

Shut up, Kyland. Now is now, and you have to deal with that.

I needed a shower. This was going to be a long day. I had to be at the mine at ten, but I wanted to stop by and see the library one last time before they tore it down. I figured it'd be today or tomorrow. When I'd driven by, it looked like the construction crew was moving closer to it. That damn library . . . after Tenleigh had left, I had gone and sat in it day after day, just to feel close to her. I had sat at the small table in the back and I'd suffered. And it was no less than I deserved.

**********

I stepped into the small building, empty now—save for the shelves that were still bolted to the wall. I stood there simply looking for several quiet minutes. What was I doing here, really? I inhaled the air, closing my eyes briefly as all the memories, both happy and sad, went through my mind. I heard a small click behind me and whirled around. Tenleigh was standing there, a surprised expression on her face.

"Hi," she breathed, coming in and shutting the door behind her.

"Hi," I said, my heart picking up in speed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and an SDSU T-shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail, a few pieces falling loose.

She was the most beautiful woman in the world. To me, she always had been. She always would be.

As I stood looking at her, I realized that something had shifted between us since last night. She still looked wary, but the look in her eyes was softer, too, and it gave me hope.

"I'm sorry," I said, taking a step toward her. "If I shouldn't be here, I'll—"

"No, it's fine. The crew isn't coming for an hour or so. I just," she bit her lip, glancing away from me for a quick moment, "I just wanted to spend a little time here before they tear it down."

I nodded. "I kind of had the same idea."

Our eyes held for several beats, the air thick with that energy Tenleigh and I always seemed to create whenever we were in the same room. She nodded, walking toward me.

"You got contacts," I said softly.

She looked surprised. "I did. How'd you know?"

I ran my hand through my hair. "You used to squint. It's how I knew when you were looking at me from across a room."

She smiled. "Hmm, I didn't know anyone ever noticed that."

When it came to you, I noticed everything. I fell halfway in love with you before we ever spoke a word.

"And your voice, I mean, your accent—it's back."

She laughed softly. "My sister said the same thing. Didn't take long for my body to remember I'm a Kentucky girl."

My Kentucky girl.

She took a deep breath and looked away, running her hand along the bookshelf. "This place saved me from a lot of loneliness." Her expression was wistful.

I sucked in a big breath of air. "Same here. After you left, I . . . came here a lot."

She looked at me, surprise filling her expression. She tilted her head. "You did?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Why?" she breathed.

"Because I missed you so much, I thought I'd die," I admitted.

Her eyes widened and she swallowed. "You did?"

"Yeah, I did." I paused. "Yeah I did," I repeated, allowing the memory of that anguish to assault me for a brief second.

She bit her lip, her brow creased in a small frown as she watched her finger trail along the shelf.

"Joey isn't mine, Tenleigh. I never even thought he was," I blurted out.

Her finger stilled. "I know."

I froze for a second and then I let out a long breath. "Shelly?"

"Yeah. She came by yesterday."

I brought my arms up and laced my hands behind my head. I couldn't say I was surprised. She'd demanded I tell Tenleigh. And I was going to . . . "I wanted to be the one to tell you myself. I just . . . I was trying to come up with the right time."

She brought her arms up and let them drop. "When is there a 'right time' to tell someone you shattered their heart with a cruel lie?" she asked.

"You wouldn't leave, Tenleigh. You were going to give up that scholarship and stay. I couldn't let you do that. I
couldn't
."

"There were other ways."

"Maybe. I couldn't think of any at the time. I couldn’t think of any way to guarantee you'd leave and never look back."

She snorted. "Well, you accomplished that, that's for sure." She looked away and then back to me. "Why couldn't you have come with me? Did you even want to? I mean, at the time . . . did you want me at all?" She looked like she was close to crying. I moved closer to her.

"I just couldn't. I wanted to, God I wanted to, but I couldn't."

"Why?" Her voice sounded breathy and filled with sadness.

I moved closer to her, right into her space, just as I had done the very first time I'd kissed her, the very first time I'd tasted that lush mouth of hers. "Because I wanted more for you," I said, hoping she wouldn't ask me any more. I wouldn't give her more than that. The rest was mine. And it only ever would be. Her shoulders drooped, but she didn't look away.

For several beats, there was only silence between us.

I glanced up at the shelf that used to house all the books we'd read together, leaving small love notes in them for each other. That's what they'd been, in my mind at least. "Right here is where I fell in love with you." I paused and her eyes widened. "I tried to figure it out, after you left. Where was it that I lost my heart? As if the moment . . . the
place
would matter somehow, would make it easier for me to get hold of, to understand. And I did figure it out—it was here. Right here." Love mixed with pain rose in my throat and my voice lowered to a raspy whisper. "I fell so damn hard, Tenleigh. Standing right at this bookshelf. I gave you my heart and you weren't even in the room." I threaded my fingers into the hair at the base of her skull. She closed her eyes for a second, letting out a breathy sigh. "I've messed up so badly, hurt you so much, but—I never did take my heart back. And, God." I shook my head slowly, moving even closer, pressing my body to hers. She blinked up at me, her lips parting. "Someday I hope you might want it again."

Her eyes moved over my face, large and full of some emotion I couldn't name. "Tell me what you're thinking, please," I begged her.

Her lips parted, but no words came out. She cleared her throat, but when she spoke, her voice still came out in a whisper. "I was thinking the same thing as the first time we stood here just like this. I was thinking, 'God, I hope this boy kisses me right now.'"

My heart skipped a beat and my stomach tightened, my body blazing to life with the immeasurable heat and passion I felt for her. I leaned in and took her mouth, parting her lips with my tongue. When I slid inside the warm wetness of her mouth, a primal groan came up my throat and I pressed her back harder into the bookshelf. She tasted like coffee and chocolate and Tenleigh. A small breathy moan came up her throat and it enflamed me, my erection throbbing against her stomach.

I took my mouth from hers and trailed my lips down her throat as she leaned her head back. I licked the fluttering pulse at the base of her neck and then just rested my lips there.

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever . . . I have loved none but you," I whispered against her skin, quoting the words I knew she'd remember.

Her body stilled, but her pulse quickened. I breathed in her scent.

Christ.

I took a second to try to reel myself in. Except for the kiss the night before, it'd been almost four years since I'd touched a woman, since I'd touched Tenleigh. My body was bound to react this way each time I was near her.

"Tenleigh," I murmured against her neck.

She threaded her fingers through my hair and pulled my head back until she was looking into my eyes again. "What are we doing, Ky? What am
I
doing?" she asked almost as if to herself.

"I don't know. I hope . . . I hope we're working toward something? There's so much . . . . I'll take whatever you have to give me, Tenleigh. Anything."

Her eyes moved over my face, an expression of sadness on hers. "I . . . I just, I don't know. I don't know if I can."

I rested my forehead against hers and we just breathed for a minute. "Is it because of Jamie?" I had to know. I had to know if he was even part of the reason she was unsure about giving us another shot.

"What
about
Jamie?"

I blew out a breath and stood straight up. "Isn't he your boyfriend? Aren't you seeing him?"

Her brow furrowed for a second and then she laughed. "No. Jamie's gay, Ky."

I frowned. "He is? Oh."

"Yeah. He is."

Well, okay then. This was promising news.

"So I guess you're not seeing him."

"Um, no. Last time I checked, I was a woman."

I chuckled softly. "Yes, you're definitely a woman."

Her smile was filled with genuine amusement. My heart flipped over in my chest. I loved that smile. I'd missed that smile. I'd
yearned
for that smile.

"And you're so beautiful," I whispered.

The look on my face must have been filled with the longing I felt because her eyes widened and the smile slipped from her face. She leaned forward and I met her halfway. This time, our kisses went wild, and the noise in my head became static.

Tenleigh leaned back against the shelf behind her and brought one leg up and around my hip, fitting my erection between her legs. I let out a deep groan, pressing myself into her softness. God, she felt so good. My heart was pounding in my chest.

Suddenly, we were all hands and gasping breaths and grinding bodies, frenzied, needy, out of control.