L.A. Success (26 page)

“...back to his house. No, there's
no way he saw me. For how long? Okay. Who? Who's that? Well, how will I
recognize her? All right,” said Grant into his phone and then hung up. He
crooked his neck around to check out all the windows of the house and then
fiddled with the radio for a while.

From the sound of the conversation,
it appeared that Spieldburt had asked Grant to see if I was receiving visits
from Gertie. Maybe he thought I had fallen for her during the investigation,
kind of like how Dennis had fallen for Ignacio.

I gave Grant an hour and then peeked
out the window again. He was making that occasional quick head jerk that
signaled oncoming sleep.

I took the vial of tar to the
kitchen and stuck it in the microwave for a few minutes until it got really
viscous. I wrapped it up in a towel so that I wouldn't burn myself and took it
and the stuffed sloth out the back door. I went through several backyards and
then cut over to the street a block behind Grant's car. Crouching behind a
four-by-four, I whipped out the binoculars and focused in on him. He was in a
slouch and not moving at all. I mapped out the path I would take up to him and
then zigzagged forward, stopping behind the parked cars to verify he was still
sleeping.

The driver's side window was rolled
down all the way. Grant's head was tilted at what looked like an uncomfortable
angle, and a line of drool was making its way down to a growing wet spot on his
shirt. I was about to carry out my evil plan when the sun reflecting off his
complicated phone caught my eye. It was underneath the car stereo in a little
compartment. I reached in as far as I could, but with my short arms I didn't make
it much farther than the other side of the steering wheel. I watched him for a
few seconds and decided to try it again, but this time I took out the shit
phone, held it in my hand, and then leaned into the window head first. I moved
slower than a sloth so that I wouldn't make the slightest noise. I even held my
breath until I thought I was going to pass out. With half my body in the
window, I slid the shit phone into the compartment and took out Grant's
super-complex device. I gave a little goodbye wave to Grant with it as I slowly
pulled myself out of his window.

I moved over to the front of his car
and took out the vial of tar. It wasn't made to be opened, so I really had to
claw at it, but when the top came off, I poured it out right onto the middle of
the hood. Then I took the stuffed sloth and planted him in the tar facing
Grant. The growling expression it had was going to be perfect for Grant to wake
up to.

I doubled back, and when I was in
the house again, I checked out the scene from Dennis' bedroom window.

Grant was sound asleep. I expected
him to wake up soon, but he kept sleeping away. A mother and her son walked by,
and the kid went wild trying to drag his mom over to the sloth, but even that
didn't wake him up. I was just dying for him to see his surprise, and the
longer he slept, the more it ate me up. I finally cracked, took out my new
phone and dialed up Grant's shit phone. I saw his head leap up. Then, as he
tried to remember where he was, he wiped off a bunch of drool with the back of
his hand and then looked at it as if he had been betrayed by his own body. Then
he focused in on the ringing. He tilted his head slightly, like a dog that
hears a high-pitched noise, and reached over to pick it up. With a look of
disgust he saw that his phone had morphed into the inbred cousin of its former
self and that the incoming call was from “Grant.” After a couple of very vulgar
words and a punch to the steering wheel, he answered.

“You bring my fucking phone back
here right now you—” he said and then launched into a high-pitched, girly
scream when he noticed the sloth. I waited for him to calm down a little.

“Don't worry, it'll take him a good
hour to walk around to the side of the car to attack you,” I said.

“Is that tar on my car?”

“He must have had it all over his
feet when he climbed onto your hood. You didn't happen to be at La Brea
earlier, did you? I hear that happens from time to time.”

“If you don't give me back my phone,
I'm going to call everyone in your repertory and tell them you have a venereal
disease.”

“My ex is the only one in that
phone, and she dumped me, so have at it,” I said and hung up.

Grant got out and grabbed the sloth
with one hand. It was stuck on there good, so he put his free hand down on the
hood for support. He started pulling again, but then let go of the sloth,
grabbed the arm that was touching the hood and pulled it out of the tar he had
accidentally ended up in. His left palm was speckled with black. He walked over
to the lawn and tried to wipe it off, but ended up with blades of grass stuck
to his hand. After a new round of swearing, he walked back over to the
slothmobile, got in, and, holding his left hand up to avoid spreading any tar,
drove off, his car veering off to the right every time he let go of the wheel
to shift.

38

I went downstairs, sat down with my
dad and tried to figure out how to use my new, complicated phone. It had a
miniature keyboard and a touch screen, and occasionally, when I said something
to my dad, it would light up and start calling people. I had to be careful what
I said while this thing was turned on. After about thirty minutes of fiddling
with it, I found the repertory and started going through it. There were
hundreds of names listed, and every one of them had several pages of notes.
There were birthdays, addresses and telephone numbers, but also personal notes
like “hates the Angels,” “sleeping with Juanita from art design,” and “loosens
up after a margarita—must be on the rocks with salt.” I found my name, and
along with my number it said “possible blackmailer or stalker.” The biggest
annoyance was that I couldn't find Spieldburt's number anywhere. Maybe Grant
had hidden it under another name in case he ever lost his phone, but there was
no way I was going to call every person listed in order to check.

I was having trouble digesting the
fact that I was once again going to have to call Grant to get in contact with
his boss. I knew Grant would have to talk to me, since in the end he had to do
what his boss wanted, but he could make life difficult and say crap that I
wouldn't be able to forget any time soon. What a drag.

I was so annoyed at my practical
joke having backfired that, for the first time in months, I really felt like
having a beer to calm down. I hadn't stocked Dennis' fridge since I knew my dad
wouldn't cook anyway, but I was hoping Dennis had left a Budweiser or two. I
walked over to the kitchen and was about to open the fridge when the home phone
rang. I walked quickly back to the living room and answered it.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi Lonnie,” said a very depressed
Dennis. “How are things at mi casa?” Things were actually getting a little
disgusting because I hadn't straightened up in a while. It also looked like my
dad had been putting his food down on the couch while he made his chess moves.

“Everything's great here. I'm
really—” I said, and then I stood dead still because all of a sudden it felt
like I was standing on Jell-O. I heard the picture frames rattle softly against
the walls and the frame of the house creak slightly. Even though the quake only
lasted a few seconds, I was so zoned in on it, waiting to see if it was going
to get stronger or fade into nothing, that it felt like time had stopped for an
instant.

“Lonnie? Lonnie?” said Dennis.

“A quake just hit. It felt like a
four.”

“You're making me homesick. I swear,
a big truck passes in the street below my apartment here, and for a minute I
think I'm back home. Funny, the things you miss.”

“Don't worry. Everything will still
be shaking when you get back.”

“
That's
what I called about. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to stay here.”

“
What?
Why?”

“
I
came here to get away from it all and relax, but also to have a good week every
month with Ignacio, you know—to finally be with him without worrying about him
having to run back to his wife every night.”

“
So
now that you're not sneaking around it's not exciting anymore?” I asked.

“
He
hasn't spent the night here once since I arrived! He keeps telling me there's a
big business deal going down in Barcelona, so the little time he's actually
been in Spain he spends there. He's only come out here a few times to spend the
day.”

“
Hey,
he's still putting you up in paradise, right?” I asked, hoping to make him see
the positive so he wouldn't come back any time soon.

“
That's
what he keeps telling me, but I've got a bad feeling. He seems on edge all the
time. Last time he was here, we were holding hands talking, and it was like he
was somewhere else. He went all quiet and started squeezing my hand so hard. He
says he was thinking about work, but I've never seen him like that before.”

“
I'm
sure it's nothing. The guy brought you out to the most amazing place, away from
all the troubles of the world. Cut him some slack. He's got to pay for all that
somehow,” I said, but it sounded like something I'd say to cover for a buddy
who was getting with the extramarital doing.

“Thanks Lonnie. I'm sure you're
right. But...maybe you could just look into one thing for me. I'll add a little
extra to your next check for it. Could you check out an address?”

“
Sure,
but what exactly do you want me to do?”

“
Ignacio
has an apartment over in West Hollywood. His former boyfriend—the one he broke
up with to be with me—used to live there. I want you to see if the place is
empty or not. If you see anyone there, tell me what he looks like. I'll call
you again in a few days. Will that be enough time?”

“
Yeah,
sure,” I said. “What's the address?”

Dennis rattled off an address that I
already knew—the one that had been on Ballsack's old tag. I repeated it back to
him as if I were making sure I had written it down correctly. I could have told
him that he had nothing to worry about, that a little girl lived there now with
her dad, but then I wouldn't have gotten any more money.

“
Okay,”
I said. “I'll take care of that.” I hung up the phone like the characters in my
screenplay do and began picking up some trash in the living room. I didn't feel
the need to have a beer anymore because the idea of getting more money had
calmed me down. I was glad about that. Then the phone rang again.

“
Hello,”
I said.

“
We
got cut off,” said Dennis.

“
Oh.”
Apparently Dennis hadn't thought the conversation was over. It was harder than
I had imagined to come to a tacit, mutual agreement on the subject. “So,
uh...anything else?”

“
No,
that's it.”

“
Okay.
Bye?”

“
Talk
to you later,” he said, but didn't hang up. I wanted to make sure it was really
over this time so he wouldn't call back again.

“
Bye?”
I asked.

“
Do
you need to say something else? It sounds like you're not sure you want to hang
up.”

“
No,
that's it. Okay. Goodbye,” I said as monotone as possible.

“
Goodbye,”
he said and hung up. I started to say goodbye one more time into the phone,
stopped myself and hung up.

Part 3

1

Spieldburt had refused to deal with
me again, and that meant I had to stop stalling. If he wanted to know the hard
truth before giving me a dime, then fine, I'd give it to him. I was tempted
just to take some photos of Gertie with Tommy, but I didn't know exactly how
much Grant knew about the situation. If I stopped giving my reports to
Spieldburt via the screenplay and his entourage found out about his personal
life, he might get angry and use it as a pretext not to pay me. So after a few
more days of working with Gertie, I sat down with my screenwriting buddies, got
wicked caffed up, and scribbled out the very last installment, the one that was
going to answer all the questions.

SUPPLEMENTARY TERRIAN DWELLER

Act 3

By Lonnie Herisson

INT. LONNIE'S BEDROOM - MORNING

LONNIE, fully clothed, is sleeping on his bed. His light
snoring is interrupted by a series of deep snores that wake him up.

LONNIE HERISSON

(Disoriented)

What? Oh no! I fell asleep waiting to see if Gertie was
going to do my roommate! Maybe she's still here.

LONNIE grabs the weird gun, sneakily opens his bedroom door
and takes a peek. The coast is clear.

INT. LONNIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

LONNIE tiptoes over to TOMMY's door. He slowly turns the
knob and pushes the door open. TOMMY is in bed alone. LONNIE shuts the door and
steps away.

LONNIE

Damn! If she did him and I missed it, the Dweller could
already be in my house! I'll have to be careful.

INT. LONNIE'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

It is later in the morning. LONNIE sits on the couch, tapping
his foot. He is staring at his new phone.

LONNIE HERISSON

Why isn't she calling me? It's time to go to work.

LONNIE looks at the clock and then again at the phone. An
expression of “duh” comes over his face.

LONNIE HERISSON

I forgot to give Gertie my new number!

LONNIE grabs a box of spy supplies and runs out the front
door.

INT. GERTIE'S OFFICE - LATER

ELLEN sits at the desk doing her nails. LONNIE enters the
office hurriedly.

LONNIE HERISSON

Ellen! Where's Gertie? I forgot to give her my new number.

ELLEN

She said she was going over to the Powell's to close the
deal.

LONNIE HERISSON

What deal? Brandi doesn't want to sell the house.

ELLEN

Gertie can be very persuasive with young wives. I've seen it
happen many times already. But don't worry. I don't think she needs you on this
one.

LONNIE HERISSON

But I'm supposed to be learning here...I gotta run. Maybe I
can catch her.

LONNIE streaks out of the office.

EXT. SWANKY BEVERLY HILLS HOUSE ON COMSTOCK AVENUE - LATER

LONNIE parks the Charger far away from the house and, with
binoculars and parabolic microphone in hand, sneaks up to the yard. Gertie's
yellow Eldorado is in the driveway. Female voices are heard coming from the
backyard. LONNIE sneaks around back, hides behind the fence, and spies on
BRANDI POWELL and GERTIE, who are holding margaritas.

BRANDI POWELL

Are you sure you want to drink so early in the day?

GERTIE ELLIOT

I think you're going to need it, cutie. Cheers.

GERTIE and BRANDI clink glasses and take a sip.

GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT'D)

There's no easy way to say this, but I'm going to try to be
as sensitive as I can. Your husband fucked me like a dirty Thai whore. On your
mattress. He licked me places that just aren't right.

BRANDI's expression conveys despair.

BRANDI POWELL

(Eyes tearing)

Are you...in love? Is he going to leave me? Oh god, no. I
signed a prenup!

GERTIE ELLIOT

No, honey. We don't love each other. His heart will always belong
to you. He just gave me everything else, many times, in some very disturbing
ways. Please don't hate me for this. I was powerless to stop his advances.

BRANDI breaks down and starts crying. GERTIE comforts her
and takes her in her arms.

BRANDI POWELL

Oh God! Why couldn't I be enough for him? It's bad enough
that all my friends make fun of me for marrying an old man. Now they'll think I
couldn't even satisfy him!

GERTIE ELLIOT

It's not a question of being enough for someone. Don't feel
bad, Brandi.

BRANDI POWELL

Well what is it a question of? Why did he do this?
You're...so old!

GERTIE ELLIOT

Let me try to help you understand. You know how men always
want to sleep with foreign women? It's because they find them exotic and new.
Well, an old man goes after young tail like you for a number of obvious
reasons. Those who succeed are thrilled, and usually rich. But after the years
go by, all the old women have become foreign to them. They forget what it was
like to be with us, so they start dreaming about cheating on their young,
perky, talkative wives with old, saggy and silent.

BRANDI begins to cry again.

BRANDI POWELL

(Choking out her words)

But what do I do now?

GERTIE ELLIOT

Pretty much what you were doing before—wait for him to
croak. You leave now, you get nothing, and that would be the real tragedy here.

BRANDI POWELL

I guess I will be able to live with this after some time has
gone by. I do have the best house in the world. I'll have to move our bedroom to
a different room, of course, but as time—

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Interrupting)

That won't work. There's not a room in this place I haven't
defiled. And anyway, you're thinking too small. You're the victim in this. You
need to make him pay. You sell this place as fast as possible and get an even
bigger house—one that all your friends will see as an appropriate apology. What
are you going to do, continue to live here and have your friends think you have
no control over Jefferson?

A spark of relief appears on BRANDI's face.

BRANDI POWELL

You're right. If I don't get a bigger house, I'll be a joke.
Everyone will treat me like a pathetic little girl.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Now that's the spirit!

GERTIE hugs BRANDI. GERTIE's hand comes to rest on BRANDI's
very large left breast.

GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT'D)

I'll take you out to some amazing houses in Malibu this
week. Don't let Jefferson talk you into going with another realtor. He knows I
have the most expensive listings.

GERTIE notices that her hand is on BRANDI's breast. She
pulls it away quickly.

GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT'D)

Oh! Sorry about that. I thought I was touching your arm.

BRANDI POWELL

What?

GERTIE ELLIOT

My hand was on your breast, on accident.

BRANDI POWELL

After the fourth enlargement I lost all feeling. It works out
better for the most part, except sometimes, when I'm blindfolded, I don't start
moaning at the right times.

GERTIE ELLIOT

You're a special woman, Brandi. Don't forget that.

GERTIE and BRANDI stand up and hug. They turn and start
walking toward the house. LONNIE runs back to the Charger and gets in. GERTIE
comes out the front door, makes the “call me” sign to BRANDI, and takes off in
the Eldorado. LONNIE follows.

INT./EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - MOMENTS LATER

LONNIE is driving behind GERTIE. He takes out his phone and
dials her number. She answers.

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Professional voice)

This is Gertie Elliot, the west side's top agent. How may I
help you?

LONNIE HERISSON

Hey Gertie, it's me—Lonnie.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Why does your phone say Grant?

LONNIE HERISSON

Long story. I'll get it changed soon. Hey, I'm right behind
you. Sorry I'm late.

GERTIE turns around to look behind her. Her car swerves into
oncoming traffic. After several near misses and a barrage of honking, she darts
back into the correct lane.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Scared the hell out of me there. Jesus, I need a smoke.

GERTIE holds the cell phone between her shoulder and ear,
steers with her knees, takes out a cigarette and lights it.

LONNIE HERISSON

So what's on the agenda now?

GERTIE ELLIOT

I have to go have a talk with Jefferson Powell. I've got
good news: we're going to get to sell his house after all.

LONNIE HERISSON

Great! Do you need me to come with you?

GERTIE ELLIOT

No, I'll handle this on my own. There’s nothing for you to
do yet. Hey, why don't you go see if Tommy is in the mood to celebrate with us
tonight? We'll let him buy us dinner.

LONNIE HERISSON

Okay. See you later.

LONNIE and GERTIE hang up.

INT. PINK TACO RESTAURANT IN CENTURY CITY - NIGHT

LONNIE, TOMMY and GERTIE are finishing their meals. A
waitress comes by and picks up a slew of empty margarita glasses.

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Clearly drunk)

Oh man, those margaritas were amazing. Tommy, someday when I
feel like being the designated driver, you'll have to try one of these. Hopefully
before you go back to wherever you're from.

TOMMY smiles and puts his hand on hers.

TOMMY

I already feel sufficiently intoxicated being around such a
beautiful woman.

LONNIE, who has not consumed alcohol in a long, long time,
is not looking too good.

LONNIE HERISSON

That was delicious. I always thought from the name that this
place was a strip club.

GERTIE looks around and catches the attention of the waiter.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Waiter! One more round for me and my plump amigo here.

LONNIE HERISSON

Oh God. I'm going to end up passing out and forgetting the
whole evening.

GERTIE looks at LONNIE and TOMMY and laughs suggestively.

INT. LONNIE'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

LONNIE, GERTIE and TOMMY enter the house. GERTIE is being
propped up by TOMMY. Her arm is around his shoulder. LONNIE staggers over to
the kitchen, grabs a glass of water and some Alkaseltzer, and sits down on the
couch to drink it.

GERTIE ELLIOT

(To Lonnie)

I'm bunking up with this guy tonight. That is, unless you have
something to add to the subject.

LONNIE gives a look of surprise to TOMMY. TOMMY seems not to
have understood drunken GERTIE.

GERTIE ELLIOT (CONT'D)

(To Lonnie)

Give me ten minutes to warm this guy up...

GERTIE closes her eyes, and when she opens them again, they
are now reptilian and glowing. Tommy doesn't notice them.