Lady of the Shades (16 page)

I ran into one of my old instructors, Carter Phell, in a bar in Mexico. I thought it was coincidence, but I soon learnt that he’d tracked me down. He got me to take a long, hard look at
myself and helped me realize how pathetic and self-pitying I’d become. He weaned me off the booze and steered me straight. Once I’d sobered up, Carter revealed his motive for rescuing
me. He’d moved into the business of recruiting assassins, and thought I’d be a perfect addition to the team.

‘A growing market, is it?’ Andeanna asks sarcastically.

‘Yes, actually,’ I murmur. ‘Professional killers are always in demand, but hiring one is a complicated procedure. A well-connected, trustworthy middleman can charge what he
likes. Carter died last year and left an estate in excess of eight million dollars.’

‘How much of that did he make from you?’ Andeanna enquires.

‘Not as much as he’d planned,’ I mutter, and return to Mexico.

I turned Carter down. He accepted my rejection and we parted on good terms. He gave me a contact number and said the offer stood indefinitely. I threw away the piece of paper, but not before
glancing at the number. Not before my brain had a chance to store it away with all the other phone numbers in my memory bank.

Over the coming years, I saw more of the world than I’d ever dreamt of. Africa, Asia, South America, Europe. I wandered at whim, staying in hostels or sleeping rough, hitching rides,
dodging fares on public transport. It was during those years that I first began to write. I kept a diary, in which I jotted down my experiences and thoughts. That developed into longer descriptions
of the places I visited and the people I met. It never struck me that I might make a living as a wordsmith. It was just a way to pass the time.

In Seattle, everything changed when I ran into Belinda Darnier.

Belinda should have been out of my league. She was beautiful and exotic, and moved in the sorts of circles I normally would have had no access to. But I’d recently struck lucky at the
racetrack and was living the temporary high life.

‘I used to like the occasional flutter,’ I tell Andeanna. ‘In Seattle I won on an accumulator, almost fifty thousand dollars. That brought me into Belinda’s world –
we met at an art launch. She liked the fact that I was awkward. I’d never had much experience of women or money, and while most of her acquaintances viewed me with disdain, Belinda was
amused. She let me wine and dine her for a couple of weeks. I was an entertaining aside – a bit of rough, as you say over here.’

‘Sounds like I have a lot in common with her,’ Andeanna sniffs, and I detect a hint of jealousy in the way her eyes narrow.

‘Belinda was beautiful, but not as beautiful as you,’ I whisper.

‘Forget the compliments and get on with the story,’ Andeanna huffs, but she can’t hide a quick, pleased smile.

It was an incredible fortnight. Top hotels, fine restaurants and champagne every night, amazing sex, not a dull moment between rising and falling asleep. I was sure it wouldn’t last
– once the money ran out, I couldn’t hold her interest – but that was fine. I was determined to enjoy the ride and let her go without a whimper when it ended. I figured even a
small slice of a woman like Belinda Darnier was more than I had any right to hope for. I was looking forward to savouring the memories.

Belinda loved casinos. She was a born gambler, though she only bet with other people’s money. My luck from the track followed me when she took me along. I won a further twenty thousand on
roulette and blackjack, which kept Belinda sweet for an extra week. I spent money wildly, tossing fifty-dollar tips to cab drivers, splashing out on clothes, watches, wine, blowing my stash as
lavishly as I could. I even went on a short cocaine binge, which wasn’t my style, but Belinda had told me not to be a prude.

One night, high on coke, I told Belinda about my past, how I got kicked out of the army, my hatred for Simon Dale, Carter Phell’s obscene offer. Her interest in me skyrocketed. She wanted
to know the going rate for an assassination, how Phell trained his men, the sort of people a killer would have to deal with. She regarded me with renewed respect, as if I was a celebrity. In the
face of such a response, my ego soared. I couldn’t answer her questions fast enough.

In three weeks the money was gone. I expected Belinda to go too, but to my shock, she hung on. She kept threatening to leave, but didn’t. I was stunned but ecstatic. I’d been
planning a trip to Australia, but cancelled it, got a job, rented an apartment and kept my fingers crossed.

A couple of weeks became a month, and Belinda suggested giving up her pad and moving in with me. ‘While we’re at it,’ she added with a mischievous smile, ‘we might as
well get married too. If you’ll have me.’

‘How romantic,’ Andeanna says, and her annoyed look tickles me. I have to hold back the laughter and remind myself that this isn’t the time to be chuckling.

I could only nod numbly at Belinda’s unexpected proposal and wonder if I was dreaming as she arranged the wedding. It was a quick registry service, just a few of her friends in attendance,
but I felt like a man who’d won the lottery. That day was one of the happiest of my life. It still is, even given all that followed.

For a long time I was sure I’d wake up one morning and she’d be gone, but as the weeks ticked by, I came to believe that she was into me for the long haul. I couldn’t imagine
what I’d done to merit such good fortune, and I didn’t care. She had made herself mine. That was all that mattered.

A short while later, Belinda began complaining of headaches. She was tired and irritable most days. I told her to see a doctor, but she wouldn’t. Eventually, when her condition
didn’t improve, she agreed to seek medical advice.

I came home from work early that day, but she wasn’t there. Night closed in — still no sign. I tried calling her doctor, but his phone was engaged. Finally, as I was growing frantic,
the door opened and an ashen-faced Belinda walked in. She staggered past me as if I didn’t exist, poured herself a huge vodka, downed it in one. Then she stared at me with wide, frightened
eyes and said, ‘Cancer.’

And she collapsed into tears.

‘Oh, Ed,’ Andeanna sighs. ‘I’m sorry. You should have told me before. I never –’

‘Save the tears until you’ve heard the rest,’ I snort.

It was tragic and awful. It felt like the end of the world. I had a hard time getting specifics out of Belinda – she broke down every time she started to explain – and it
wasn’t until I discussed it with her doctor that I learnt how serious it was.

‘It’s a rare form of cancer,’ he explained plainly. ‘It’s in her brain. By rights she should be dead already, but luck’s on her side and it’s spreading
slowly. But it will kill her soon unless treated.’

‘It
can
be treated?’ I asked, sensing hope.

‘Yes,’ he said hesitantly. ‘Surgery is out of the question, but there’s a new procedure involving an advanced form of radio-surgery. There’s no guarantee it would
work – it’s still at an experimental stage – but she’d stand a chance.’

‘When do we start?’ I asked.

‘It isn’t that simple. As I said, it’s experimental. Her insurance won’t cover it.’

‘I’ll make up the difference,’ I promised.

He grimaced. ‘I’m talking about a
serious
shortfall. Just to be accepted, you’d need three hundred thousand dollars.’ I gawped at him, unable to even contemplate
such an amount. ‘I wouldn’t mention this procedure to most clients,’ he continued, ‘but I know Belinda had some wealthy boyfriends over the years. I’m guessing she
must have stored away jewellery and cash. If she can raise the money, and if we can enrol her on the programme within the next few weeks, she might pull through. Otherwise . . . ’

Sitting down with Belinda later, I told her what the doctor had said, and she laughed sickly. ‘I haven’t been as frugal as he thinks. I don’t have much set aside. We might as
well start looking at coffins.’

Refusing to abandon hope, I made her list everything of value that she owned, added my meagre possessions to it and rounded it up to the nearest thousand. Belinda was worth more than she’d
thought, but we still came in two hundred and forty thousand short of the sign-up fee.

I spent the next days desperately angling for money. Tapped old friends – no joy – then hit the loan sharks. I knew that no one would advance me such a huge lump sum, so I intended
borrowing smaller amounts from several lenders. A cunning plan, but I wasn’t the first to think of it, and the sharks weren’t fooled. The first two deals went without a hitch, but when
I hit the third, alarm bells rang and I wound up having to immediately pay back the money I’d borrowed. There should have been harsh reprimands, but when they found out why I’d been
trying to play them for suckers, they took pity on me and let me off with a beating.

I was back where I’d been at the start of the week, facing the prospect of Belinda’s slow, painful death. That’s when the crazy schemes started. I could rob a bank. Run drugs.
Kidnap a millionaire’s child. Train a gun on the doctors with the miracle machine and force them to treat her.

Belinda listened to my wild plans with a sad smile. She’d shake her head every so often, tell me I was insane, then let me carry on plotting. It wasn’t long before I hit on the idea
of calling Carter Phell. Belinda didn’t dismiss that one as she had the others. She didn’t jump at it, but her lips pursed, her eyes went distant and she leant back thoughtfully.
Seizing hope, I ran with the idea, barely aware of what I was saying.

‘I could get him to advance us the money. Training shouldn’t take more than a few months, maybe less. A couple of early hits will cover the next crop of invoices. After that, we can
take it a treatment and a hit at a time.’

‘You’re not a killer,’ she whispered.

‘I could be. For you.’

‘I couldn’t ask it of you. There must be another way.’

But of course there wasn’t, and over the next seventy-two hours I
convinced
her to let me give it a go.

I had reservations – I wouldn’t have been human if I hadn’t – but I called the number Carter had given me. He was surprised to hear from me, but agreed to fly in for a
meeting. I didn’t tell him about Belinda, just said I needed the money badly. He agreed to forward me an advance. I gave it to Belinda, then went into training.

‘As simple as that?’ Andeanna asks sceptically.

I nod. ‘I didn’t have time to waste and Carter wasn’t a man to drag his feet. Neither of us knew if I’d be able to kill — that’s something you only learn when
you come to the crunch. Carter had trained men before who’d backed out when it came time to strike. He said he’d bear no grudges if I couldn’t go through with it and would give me
as long as I needed to pay back the advance.’

‘Nice guy,’ Andeanna grunts.

‘Not nice,’ I correct her. ‘Professional.’

Training was laborious. Two months with virtually no rest, no chance to see Belinda. I kept in contact by phone. She’d been accepted on to the programme and treatment had commenced. Her
doctors were pleased with how she was responding.

My apprenticeship was gruelling, physically and mentally exhausting. Endless drills, dismantling and putting together every known make of gun, learning how to turn ordinary objects into weapons,
how to shadow people, how to plan a hit, how to arrange transport in and out of countries. But I took to it with the ease Carter had predicted. He had a keen eye for potential.

By the end of my training, I still didn’t know if I could kill. Doubt had set in. I went to visit Belinda. She looked drained but healthy. Her doctors were hopeful, though it would be
months before they’d know if the cancer had been whipped.

I told her of my fears. I didn’t want to kill. Wasn’t sure I could. She took me in her arms and said she expected nothing of me. She said it was a terrible thing to ask, so she
wasn’t going to. If I could find it within myself, she would be grateful to me for ever. If I couldn’t, she wouldn’t hold it against me. Either way, she’d go on loving me to
the end, be it sooner or later.

Her calm resignation decided me. She was battling bravely and with dignity for her life. If I could swing the battle her way, I would, no matter what the cost to myself. I rang Carter that
afternoon and told him I was in. A few days later, I was given my first assignment, a businessman in Germany. I flew in, shadowed him, slipped into the apartment he shared with a mistress one night
when she wasn’t there, drowned him in the bath, making it look like an accident. I was on a plane out in the morning, home with Belinda by nightfall.

‘How did it feel?’ Andeanna croaks.

I pause. ‘Honestly? It was exciting. Terrible, but thrilling. I came away on a high. Later, I felt empty, wretched. I didn’t cry, but for three weeks I lived in a nightmarish fugue,
replaying the hit over and over, unable to put it behind me.’

Although I don’t mention it to Andeanna, not wanting to reveal the complete picture of my fragile mental state, that was when the first of my ghosts appeared. He materialized as I was
sitting in a bar, drowning my sorrows. Walked through a wall and hurled himself at me, cawing wordlessly. I fell from my stool and screamed with terror, shocking everyone else in the bar. Fled into
the night, the ghost trailing behind, wrapping himself around me, seeking revenge. I finally curled up in a ball in an alley, shut my eyes and rocked myself to sleep. I told myself I was
hallucinating, that the ghost was a by-product of the drink, but when I woke in the morning, he was still there.

I went crazy again. I lashed out at the spectre, trying to make it go away. I didn’t think it was a real ghost. I was sure I was insane, that the phantom was my subconscious way of
punishing myself. I made appointments with psychiatrists, then broke them. Telling someone about my ghost would necessitate unburdening myself fully, explaining about the hit. I wasn’t able
to do that, so I had to deal with my demons on my own.

I survived by putting Belinda’s needs first. She had regressed. She told me the doctors wanted to move up a level, but that would require more money. I’d have to continue killing or
Belinda would die.