Laid Open (5 page)

Todd’s thrusts got uneven and jerky until he finally groaned and came, resting his head on Ben’s back.

“As we’ve burned all these sex calories, I think we need some ice cream.”

Ben laughed, kissing Erin’s thigh. “I love how single-minded you are. Let’s go get your ice cream then.”

Chapter Six

Erin stretched, content to listen to the sound of the water. Ben was to her left, face down, one arm flung over her belly. Todd was to her right, his hand on her hip. She smiled to herself. This was her morning just about every day. Minus the private island resort thing. But it was her family, these men bracketing her body. Keeping her safe, body and spirit.

“I’m starving.” Ben said this, his face still muffled by the pillow. He tightened his hold, pulling her close. “Let’s go to breakfast.”

She was fine puttering around the bure with a cup of coffee and some fruit, but Ben and Todd loved breakfast out and they’d passed that love on to Alexander. At least once a week back home they headed to one of their favorite places, nice and early usually, so wherever it was wasn’t crowded. She knew they did that for her, but it was also nice to not worry if Alexander made more noise than usual. A toddler at a restaurant was always a gamble, so the less crowded the better.

Todd rolled over to his side, kissing her soundly and then leaning over to do the same to Ben. “Pancakes. Maybe some of that sausage you had yesterday.”

Ben snickered.

“Ha. Not
that
sausage, the kind you ate for breakfast. Though you can have more of the other kind later as well.”

“You two are so filthy. Really.” She sniffed but ruined the effect by laughing.

So not ten minutes later they found themselves on the path to the main building at the resort. They’d had a few meals there already, sitting out on a patio that overlooked the ocean.

She didn’t bother with makeup or anything more serious to wear but a bikini with a cover-up. The freedom of that was luxurious.

After they got seated she remembered her phone. “I should call and check in.” The trip had been marvelous. So good for the three of them, but she sure missed Alexander.

Ben laughed, rolling his eyes. “I’d pretend like you were worrying too much, but truth be told, I miss him too.”

She loved how they were with their son. These big, tough men turned into total marshmallows for that boy. He’d grow up always knowing he was cherished. It pleased her immensely.

When she turned the phone on her smile fell away as she saw the date and realized.
Remembered.

Cold dread filled her, closely followed by the shame and guilt.

“Erin?” Todd leaned forward, touching her wrist. “Honey?”

She swallowed back bile. “It’s June sixteenth.” She was suddenly so very cold as nausea gripped her.

Todd’s concern faded into grief. “Baby . . .” He reached for her.

She got to shaky feet, her chair nearly falling as she did.

“I . . .” Tears blurred her vision as guilt gripped her guts. How could she have forgotten?

Both men stood. Todd took her hands but she pulled them back. Not here. Not now.

“I forgot. My god . . .” She thrust her phone at Ben. “Call your son.” And then started to walk away. She needed . . . she needed her baby back, that’s what she needed. But she couldn’t have that. There would never be that ever again.

Adele would have been in school by now had she still been alive. Like Rennie, she would have been full of love and questions, laughter and song. But in Erin’s memories she’d frozen as a toddler not much older than Alexander was now. She’d never have kindergarten art on the fridge.

Erin had forgotten that. Forgotten about that child she had brought into the world. Adele had come before Ben and Todd. When she’d had another life.

And years later she’d moved on with a new child, and in doing so had turned her back on her firstborn. She was a horrible mother and a horrible human being.

She only wished she could be numb. Instead, memory was like a tornado of broken glass in her gut. If she’d already eaten she might have thrown up. But there was only emptiness.

In the background she heard the server ask after her and Ben’s low rumble of reassurance.

Shaky legs took her away as she held on enough not to go to her knees and howl. Instead she kept moving, kept retreating on the path they’d happily just walked in on.

Todd caught up to her first.

“Damn it, Erin. Wait.”

“I want to be alone right now.” It was a strange sort of challenge to get the words out. Like someone else spoke them.

He continued to walk with her until they got well away from the other buildings, and then he tried to guide her to one of the many benches littering the area. But she resisted.

“Don’t handle me.” Her voice was petulant, even to her own ears.

“I’m not handling you.” Todd kept his voice level, soothing even.

For whatever reason, his calm only made things worse. “Yes, you are.” Tears were coming, they bled into her voice, blurred her vision. She shoved her sunglasses back into place.

“Don’t do this. Baby, stop. Talk to me.”

“About what? About how I’m here cavorting in the sun and sand and how I totally forgot it was the anniversary of Adele’s murder? Huh? Some fucking mother I am.” She shoved her hands through her hair before wringing them for something to do.

“You know that’s not true. Stop hurting yourself this way.” Todd’s calm got sharper.

Ben approached, and she saw the look on his face. She didn’t deserve pity or comfort. “Please, I can’t take this right now. Leave me alone.”

“You’re
not
alone. You’re with me. And with Todd. Let us help you.”

“There’s no more alone. You don’t have to face this mountain of grief by yourself. Let us be here for you.” Todd’s heart broke as he watched her, knew she was beating herself up.

“I
should
be grieving! My baby was murdered and I forgot!”

Ben shook his head, hard. “
No you did not
. We just talked about this two weeks ago, which you’d remember if you stopped beating yourself up over it. You
never
forget. She’s part of you. Part of us too, because we love you, because of Alexander, who is Adele’s brother.”

“I’ve betrayed her. How can either of you trust me around Alexander after this?”

She was edging toward hysteria. Todd hadn’t seen her this bad in years. Last year they’d headed to the cemetery with Alexander and then had spent the day at home with family afterward. It had been a good day. He’d felt united with her; the grief had also felt like a tribute. This though, he thought as he took her in, this was destructive, eating her alive. It had to be stopped before it went any further.

“
Stop this now
. You haven’t betrayed anyone. So you were here and you forgot what day it is. That’s the point of vacation. We don’t have a calendar in the bure. We don’t have Alexander’s daily schedule to remind us of the date, or work. We lost track of time.
But not what happened.
Never that.” Todd stepped closer and she stepped away, turning to hurry down the path.

“Please just let me be.” Her whisper was tortured.

He sent a look to Ben, who was as worried as he was.

For a small woman she walked pretty fast, but they caught up to her easily.

Ben’s voice was calm, even, and Todd found himself comforted by it, even as he worried for her. “You asked how we can trust you with Alexander? Are you serious? What sort of bullshit is that? You gave birth to him. Nursed him. He loves you and trusts you because you’ve earned both. You’re his mother and he’s so blessed to have you. Just as Adele was.”

She spun, her sunglasses falling off. The wild grief in her eyes cut him to the bone. He moved to try to bring her into his embrace but she scrambled back. “No! I can’t do this now. I’m here on this island in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by beauty as far as the eye can see.
And she is not here
. She will never, ever be here. Don’t you see? How can I enjoy this when she never will? She will never see another sunrise.” Her voice dissolved into tears as she fisted her hands.

“Stop this right now.” Ben shook his head, hard. “This is not a path to go down. This way lies madness, Erin, and you are not crazy. You are filled with grief, and I understand.”

“No, you don’t. Neither of you do. You can imagine what it would be like to lose Alexander. But reality is so much worse. Think of all his light just not being there anymore. I need to be with him. I . . .” She shook her head. “He’s back in Seattle without me. What if he needs me and I’m here? See? See how selfish I am?”

Ben’s calm slipped a little. “You are not selfish. Erin, goddamn it, you cannot do this. This is not healthy. You get to take a vacation with your husbands. It doesn’t mean you don’t love our son and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you didn’t love your daughter. You get to move on. You get to be happy.”

Her words echoed in Todd’s brain. Truth be told, he felt differently now that Alexander had been born. He understood her grief on a wholly different level because he had a child, understood the depth of his love for that little boy, and the very idea of watching him die the way Erin had when Adele had been murdered tore him to pieces. To know she kept that pain inside her each and every day was a heavy burden. Knowing she blamed herself and was beating herself up as a bad mother over it left him nauseated.

He wanted to fix her but he didn’t know how.

“She’s not here, Ben. My baby never even got to go to kindergarten. And I’m here, cavorting. What is wrong with me?” The plea in her voice broke Todd’s heart.

“You’re in pain because you lost someone you loved more than anything.” Ben’s face softened as he reached for her. She allowed the contact for a moment but when he thumbed away her tears she sniffled and stepped back.

“I need to be alone. Please, please, just leave me alone. I can’t be with anyone right now.”

“Honey, you need to be with people who love you and understand.” Todd brushed the hair from her face.

“Later. Right now I need to be by myself. I’m asking you to respect that. Please.” She turned and ran.

Todd had never seen her run so fast as he stood paralyzed with his own pain.

“We need to go after her.”

Ben stopped him. “Let her be. She begged us to be left alone and I think we need to respect her. She’ll be all right. She’s upset, but not stupid.”

“What if she
does
something stupid?” Todd’s heart thundered in his chest at the thought.

Ben shook his head and Todd knew he was right. “She has Alexander now. And us. And before us she had Brody and Adrian. There is no way she’d do anything to harm herself. Give her the time and space she asked for.” Ben stepped close and cupped Todd’s face. “Baby, I know. I feel it too. We’ll go after her in a bit. For now, let’s head back to the bure and call Alexander to check in. Brody might have some good advice.”

* * *

Seeing Alexander’s face always made a weight lift off Ben’s shoulders. “Hey monkey, how are you today?”

Alexander’s smile was huge as he got his face close to the phone. “Daddy! Yo! We had pizza with fish on it!”

Todd laughed over Ben’s shoulder. “Anchovies?”

“Yo, Pop! Yes. Fish!” Then he made a face so much like Erin’s that it nearly broke Ben’s heart.

“Did you not like it? Should we get some when we get home?”

He frowned briefly, looking a lot like his uncle Brody. “I like cheese. Gotta go! Ma?”

“She’s not feeling well, pickle. She wanted me and Pop to tell you she loved you. She’ll call tomorrow.”

Alexander frowned. “Ma sick?”

“She is. But we’ll make her feel better. I promise.”

Alexander nodded then, very serious. “Ok. Kiss.” He leaned in and kissed the phone. “Love you.” He handed the phone to Brody and was done, and Ben could address the Erin issue safely out of Alexander’s earshot.

“Brody, before you go, can we talk a moment?”

“Hang on a sec. Elise, can you keep an eye on the kids? I need to take this out on the porch.”

In the background, Ben heard Elise laughing with the kids and the rumble of Adrian’s voice as well. He felt better knowing Alexander was surrounded by love and far away from any sadness.

Moments later he was back. “What’s going on? Is Erin all right?”

Ben poured the story out and Brody sighed at the end. “I was hoping she’d stop blaming herself for it. She’s off alone now?”

“For the time being. It felt like she needed it. She can’t get into any real trouble here anyway.”

“I think that’s a good call. You two know her. You know what she’s like. I’ve watched you take care of her for years. You love her like she needs to be loved. You know what she needs. I wish I weren’t so far away. I expect she’s missing Alexander just now too. We’re barbecuing this afternoon. I’ll send some pictures. She’ll like that.”

Ben realized that was a big part of it. Their baby being so far away. But he didn’t want Alexander to see Erin the way she was just then. And he knew she wouldn’t want it either.

And maybe, just maybe, it was best for her to let it all out. To wallow in the grief and guilt for a while until she could purge it. He needed to process that.

Ben replied to Brody’s comments. “She will, yeah. Us too. Miss that monkey of ours. He’s all right?”

“He’s been great. I can’t wait for Martine to get to that age. He reminds me so much of Erin when she was small. He’s happy and loved and spoiled to death. Hell, Miles slept over here last night and Alexander has been stuck to his side.”

Ben took a deep breath. Alexander was just a baby and now he was a toddler. Soon he’d be a preschooler and so on. He’d be Miles’ age one day. Miles and Rennie would grow up and go to college, get married, do all the stuff that makes life so great.

Yes. Things moved on. Life continued. He knew what they needed to do and it drove the panic back.

Brody heaved a sigh. “Just . . . tell her I love her. Text me to keep me updated. Elise worries.”

Ben snorted
. Elise
, yeah, right. “Ah, well, we wouldn’t want to worry Elise.”

“Ha. Look, just . . . you all take care of each other, okay?”

Ben looked to Todd and then nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.”

They spoke a while longer before hanging up.

Todd stood up and began to pace. It was his goal in life to make Erin’s better. Easier. He wanted to protect her from this shit and he didn’t know how. This wasn’t a stalker. It wasn’t someone he could punch or a place he could remove her from.