Lament for a Lost Lover (32 page)

Carleton had accepted the news of Barbary’s death without emotion. I supposed it would have been quite false for him to have pretended grief considering the nature of the relationship between them. He merely shrugged his shoulders and said: “Poor Barbary. She had a talent for getting herself into awkward situations.” He looked at me quizzically and went on: “I know you are thinking that the most unfortunate of these was her marriage to me and you’re right.”

He went back to London but it was not long before he was back and he made a point of spending time in my company.

I was not really displeased about this although I pretended to myself that I was, which was foolish of me, of course, but I’m afraid I was rather foolish at this time. It was becoming clear to me that Geoffrey’s visits were not without some meaning. We liked each other very much. We had both been widowed. We had loved and lost and perhaps were both looking for someone who could give us companionship and fill that void which I was sure he felt in his life as I did in mine.

Geoffrey was a cautious man. I should admire that in him. He would not be the sort to rush into a relationship without having given it considerable thought beforehand. I believed that now he was weighing up the situation. He wanted to know so much about me; he wanted to make sure that we should be happy together.

It was wise, I told myself, and if not as romantic as my love for Edwin and his presumably for his dead wife, it was sensible.

I would never love anyone as I loved Edwin. I kept telling myself that. But should I deny myself the pleasures of marriage because I could no longer share them with Edwin?

There was my son, too. Perhaps he needed a father. He was surrounded by love. He lacked nothing really, and yet I had noticed how he loved to be with Geoffrey who could give him a certain kind of companionship which I couldn’t.

These were the thoughts which were in my mind on a lovely, sunny June day in that year 1666.

I was in the garden gathering roses, which I loved to arrange in containers and set about the house. I liked their scent to fill my rooms. I had always had a fancy for the damask rose, perhaps because my great-great-great-grandmother had been born at the time Thomas Linacre brought it to England and had been named after it.

I heard the sounds of arrival, and I immediately thought of Geoffrey, and as always when he called on us I would ask myself: I wonder if it will be today?

I always hoped not, because I was unsure. I could see so many reasons for saying yes and so many for refusing. Such a good father for Edwin, I thought. And I was fond of him. He was pleasant, charming, kindly. The sort of man one could rely on always … very different from …

Why should I want to think of Carleton at such a moment?

“Carleton!” He was there grinning at me and I felt that foolish flush rising to my cheeks.

“A charming picture,” he said. “The lady of the roses.” He took the basket from me and smelled the blooms. “Delicious,” he said looking at me.

“Oh, thank you, Carleton.”

“You look as if you were expecting someone else. Geoffrey Gillingham has become a very frequent visitor. Do you know, I begin to regret bringing him here.”

“Why should you? We all like him very much.”

“And he likes us … or some of us … and some of us probably like him better than others. Give me the basket. We’ll sit by the willows. I want to talk to you.”

“I have not finished gathering the roses yet. I want more of them.”

“You have enough here.”

“Pray, let me be the best judge of that.”

“Dear Cousin Arabella, you can trust my judgement in this matter. What I have to say to you is of far greater moment than a basket of roses.”

“Say on, then.”

“Not here. I want you to sit down and give me your undivided attention.”

“As serious as that?”

He nodded and looked grave.

“Edwin,” I began.

“Yes, it concerns Edwin.”

“Carleton, is something wrong?”

“By no means. It could be right … very right …”

“Then pray tell me. Why do you beat about the bush?”

“It is you who are beating about bushes … rosebushes. Come and sit down and I’ll tell you at once.”

He had alarmed me, and I allowed myself to be led to the stone seat sheltered by the weeping willow trees.

“Well?” I said.

“I want you to marry me.”

“Marry you!”

“Why not? I’m free now and so are you. It would be the best possible answer to everything.”

“
Everything
! I’m afraid I don’t …”

He had seized me suddenly so that I was taken off my guard. He was kissing my face and caressing me in a way in which no one but Edwin ever had.

I tried to hold him back, but his strength was greater than mine and clearly he meant to remain in charge of the situation.

I whipped up my anger.

“How dare you!”

“I would dare everything for you,” he said. “Don’t be prudish, Arabella. You know you want me as I want you. Why make a secret of something so obvious?”

“Obvious?” I cried. “To whom?”

“To me, and that’s the one it should be obvious to. I sense it every time we meet. You’re crying out for me. You want me.”

“You have the most extraordinarily high opinion of your charms. I can assure you I want nothing so much at this moment as to be out of your sight.”

He looked at me, his mouth turned down in mock dismay and his eyes alight with mischief.

“Not true,” he said.

“Absolutely true. How dare you take me away from my …”

“Roses,” he supplied.

“From what I want to do to bring me here under false pretences.”

“What false pretences?”

“That something was wrong with Edwin.”

“Something
is
wrong with Edwin. He’s rapidly become a spoilt child tied to Mama’s apron strings.”

“How dare you! …”

“Speak the truth? The boy needs a guiding hand. Mine. And he’s going to get it. He has to learn that there is something more in the world than love and kisses.”

“From what I’ve heard these things play quite a part in your life.”

“You are speaking of my reputation, which interests you. There is never smoke without fire, so they say, and it is true that I am a man of experience. …”

“Not in bringing up a child.”

“But I am. But for me, your late husband would not have been the man he was. I was the one who brought him up. I was the one who made a man of him.”

“I wonder what his father would say to that.”

“He would confirm my story. He was away from home and Edwin’s mother doted on him just as you do on his namesake.”

“In any case Edwin left England when he was ten years old, I believe, and your shining influence must then have been removed from his life.”

“It is the formative years that are important … from five until ten.”

“How is it that you are so knowledgeable on these matters?”

“It can’t have escaped you that I am knowledgeable on many matters.”

“It has not escaped me that that is your opinion of yourself.”

“It is always better to believe the best of oneself. After all, there are so many people to believe the worst. But enough of this. I want to marry you. You are too young to live as you do. You need a husband. You need me. I have wanted this for a long time, but now that I am free to make the proposal there is no need for further delay.”

“No delay is necessary. Your proposal is declined.”

“Arabella, I am going to marry you.”

“You have forgotten that it takes two to agree to marry.”

“You will agree. I promise you.”

“Don’t be so lavish with your promises. This one is certainly going to be broken.”

He caught my chin in his hand and forced me to look at him. “I can make yet another promise. Once you are mine you will never want to leave me.”

I laughed. A wild excitement had taken possession of me. If I were honest, I would admit that I hadn’t enjoyed anything so much for a long time. It was so wonderful to be able to deflate his pride, to let him know that I had no intention of letting him tell me what I should do.

“Then … I shall never be yours, as you put it.”

“Don’t be too sure of that.”

“I am completely sure of it.”

“You are making a mistake, Arabella.”

“In refusing your offer?”

“No, in thinking that I shall not take you.”

“You talk as though I’m a pawn on a chess board.”

“More important than that. A very important piece, in fact. My queen.”

“Still to be used at your will.”

“Yes,” he said, “at my will.”

“I’ve had enough of this.” I rose.

“I have not,” he said, and rising with me placed both his hands on my shoulders and forced me down on the seat.

“I see that you would make a rough-mannered husband,” I said.

“When the occasion demands it, but on every occasion you will find me just the right husband for you.”

I said seriously: “There has only been one who can be that and I thank God that he was, even briefly.”

He raised his eyes to the sky. “The sainted Edwin,” he said.

“Pray do not mock him.”

“You are like everyone else, Arabella. You disappoint me. I always thought you were different. As soon as a man’s heart ceases to beat he becomes a saint.”

“I did not say Edwin was a saint. I said he was the most wonderful man I ever knew or ever shall know and no one else can take his place with me.”

“It’s a mistake to deify human beings, Arabella.”

“I loved Edwin,” I said seriously. “I still love Edwin. Can’t you understand? No one
… no one …
can take his place with me.”

“You’re wrong. Someone will supplant him. That is what you are going to discover when you marry me.”

“I want to hear no more.”

“You shall hear more. I am going to talk to you …”

He was silent suddenly and I looked at him in amazement. His mood had changed. He said: “Do you think I am afraid of the dead? I am afraid of no one, Arabella. Certainly not saints with feet of clay. They can topple so easily.”

“Stop sneering at Edwin. You are unworthy to unlatch his boots.”

“Boots are no longer unlatched and that remark would be considered highly irreverent by Jasper.”

“I am not concerned with Jasper.”

“But you should be concerned with truth.”

“I am going back to my roses,” I said. “Your wife is so recently dead …”

“Barbary would laugh at that if she heard you. You know what our marriage was like.”

“All the more reason why I should refuse you. She has set an example of what not to do.”

“But you are not Barbary.”

“You would never be faithful to any woman.”

“A challenge, my dearest Arabella. Just think how exciting it would be for her to make me.”

“She might not think it worth the trouble. Barbary didn’t.”

“Poor Barbary. She knew it would be hopeless. But why do we constantly talk of the dead? I’m alive. You’re alive. We’re two vital people. You’ve been only half alive for many years, it’s true. Come out of your shell and live.”

“My life has been full and interesting. I have had my child.”

“Oh, come. You have shut yourself in with the dead. You have built a shrine and worshipped at it. It’s a false shrine. Edwin is dead. You are alive. You have a child. You need me. I can make you happy. I can help bring up your son. We’ll have our own … sons and daughters. I want you, Arabella. From the moment I saw you, I wanted you. All this time I have been patient. But I can stand aside no longer. I’m going to wake you up … show you what you have been missing. You’re a woman, Arabella, not a romantic girl.”

“I know exactly what I am, Carleton. I know what I want and that it is not to marry you. Now … good afternoon.”

I stood up and started to stalk away, but as I did so I tripped over the rose basket. He caught me and his arms were round me. I felt him tilt back my head and kiss my throat. I was overcome by horror because I wanted him to go on. He had aroused memories of lovemaking with Edwin and I felt ashamed of my feelings.

I forced myself back from him and he looked at me mockingly, still holding me.

“Pride goeth before a fall,” he said. “If I had not been here to rescue you, you would have slipped. You see, it’s symbolic. You need me to protect you.”

“I never needed anything less.”

“One thing I insist on in my wife is truthfulness.”

“And I hope when you find one you will give her the same in return.”

“Why fight the inevitable?”

“I think you are the most arrogant man I have ever met.”

“I confess you are not the first to have told me this.”

I wrenched myself free and turned away. I broke into a run, but he was beside me, the rose basket on one arm, the other he thrust through mine and held it tightly against him.

“Now, dearest Arabella, you will go into the house and think over what I have said. Remember again how delightful it was when I held you in my arms. Brood on the pleasures that await us both. Then you can think of Edwin … the living one, I mean. Let us forget that other. He is dead and gone and best not brought back to live in your thoughts. You are better without him. Forget the past, Arabella. Perhaps it wasn’t quite what you thought. Pictures are different when seen from afar. It is wise not to look too closely at them. So look ahead. Just think what this would mean. This our home for the rest of our lives. So many problems are solved.”

“I begin to see your motives.”

“It is very agreeable when so many things are in our favour.”

“You have always wanted Eversleigh, haven’t you?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“And it will come to Edwin. You want to control it …”

“I control Eversleigh now, Arabella. I have since I was of an age to do so. My uncle being in the King’s army cannot give his estates the attention they need. We have always realized that.”

“But there will come a time when Edwin is of age …”

“We have much to enjoy before that day. Let us make the best of life.”

I wrenched myself free from him. “I shall certainly not do that with you,” I said.

I ran into the house, leaving him standing there holding the rose basket.