Langdown Manor (5 page)

‘Who do you think you are?' Ivy stood at the end of the table, staring down her nose at us. ‘The front door for the h'gentry h'only. H'servants round the back. How many times do I have to tell you?' I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was Barrett to a tee. The way he held his head, the barely concealed contempt for us lower servants in his eyes. How did she do it? Even Sarah smiled, though I noticed how her eyes kept sliding to the door. She'd left her seat by my side and now was sitting facing me – all the better to see who was coming in and out.

I shifted my attention back to Ivy. I didn't want to miss a single minute of her performance. I couldn't believe the change in her. You'd never have known it was the same little shrimp who'd sat huddled at the table, scooping up her broth as if she was starving. She was small still, but when she performed for us she seemed to grow taller. Some words I'd heard somewhere once popped into my mind.
All the world's a stage
. I wasn't sure what it meant, but all the world was Ivy's stage. I hoped I'd never fall out with her. I could imagine how she might mimic me.

I heard a chair scrape as someone sat down and looked round to see that Maddie had shifted up next to me. ‘Isn't she a card,' I said.

‘Should be on the stage,' Maisie on my other side said. Maddie merely grunted, drumming her fingers on the table. She wasn't smiling. I felt sure I knew why. When the upper servants had departed to eat their sweet in Mrs Smithson's parlour, it had left a spare seat next to her, but Robert hadn't taken it. There were plenty of spare seats at the table now. The upper servants always left, halfway through the meal, to eat their sweet and gossip in Mrs Smithson's sitting room. If I was a proper lady's maid, that's where I'd be now, too. But I was glad I was still able to sit with my friends. The other lot didn't have half as much fun as we did.

Across from me Sarah was pretending to eat, pushing her pudding round her plate. Fred hadn't come by for dinner. He often didn't but today I wished he had. I'd thought I'd reassured Sarah but it hadn't lasted. I'd never seen her so jumpy. I scooped up the last of the rice pudding Maddie had made for us. It was delicious. Sarah didn't know what she was missing. At the head of the table, Ivy was now pretending to be Mrs Smithson. I felt a bit sorry that she'd picked her. I liked Mrs S, but Ivy couldn't, judging from the performance she was giving. Maybe she had had a proper wigging the day she'd arrived. Or maybe she just hated authority. She rolled her eyes and clasped her hands together. ‘Oh Mr Barrett, sir, you are so 'andsome… You make me skin go all goosey.'

Robert guffawed.

‘Can't think what they find so funny,' muttered Maddie, pushing back her chair. By they I knew she meant Robert. She reached for Sarah's plate, which was barely touched. ‘Didn't you like it?' she asked. She sounded hurt but Sarah didn't answer. She was gazing at the door – all smiles. I didn't need to look at it to know that Fred had come in. He was leaning against the doorjamb, arms folded. Sarah got up and slipped round the table to join him. She looked up at him and he looked down at her. They were looking at each other as if they were the only people in the room. I was relieved, but it made me feel lonely too. If I dropped down dead in front of them now they wouldn't notice.

Maddie and Maisie were making their way down the table, stacking plates and glasses. ‘I'll have your plate, Robert,' Maddie said, leaning in close to him in a desperate bid to draw his attention away from Ivy. ‘Robert,' she said again, loudly when he didn't respond. I felt myself cringe. Couldn't she see that she was wasting her time? Even if she had got up and danced on the table, Robert wouldn't notice. If only she would find someone else. Jim now, the second footman, was blushing as Maddie leaned across the table. But Jim blushed if a girl even looked at him.

Robert pushed the plate over to her, but his eyes never left Ivy. A flush crept up Maddie's face. She slammed down the plates, and turned to Ivy, who was still prancing up and down at the end of the table. ‘Ivy!' she exploded. ‘How about mimicking a scullery maid and helping us clear the table.'

‘Yes, 'm, right away, 'm,' Ivy said, casting her eyes down, and bobbing a curtsy.

It had been a mistake for Maddie to show her temper. Robert got up and so did all the other lads. As they strolled out, Maddie's face went redder still. Ivy had mocked her in front of everyone and she wouldn't forget that. ‘And I want those pots scoured proper today, then you're to help Maisie with the vegetables and there's the floor to clean. It wasn't cleaned proper this morning. Chop chop.' Maddie was practically shoving Ivy towards the scullery now.

I got up too, and made my way along the passage to the maids' sitting room. I could hear from the clatter in the scullery as I passed it that Ivy was hard at work. She was singing, loudly, a little ditty that made me smile. ‘Upstairs and downstairs and all the in-betweeny stairs.'

I made myself comfortable in a corner of the sofa. I had work of my own to do; a bit of sewing to finish on one of Miss Penelope's gowns. I picked up the needle, but even though it was only early afternoon I felt my eyelids droop. What with all the extra work on top of my usual chores I never got enough sleep. I laid the needle down and shut my eyes.

‘Jess!' It was Sarah's voice. She shook my shoulder. ‘What are you doing, sleeping in the afternoon?'

So it was all right to wake me then?

I rubbed my eyes and peered sleepily at her. ‘What is it?' I said. ‘Has Miss Penelope rung for me?'

Sarah looked guilty. ‘N-o,' she said.

‘Wish you'd left me to sleep then,' I muttered. I picked up the needle again.

Sarah had curled up in the other corner of the sofa. ‘Oh, Jess.' She moved a bit closer to me.

‘What is it?' I asked grumpily. I wasn't pleased that she'd woken me up. Didn't she know how tired I was every day, and I wasn't sleeping well at night either.

‘Fred's worried,' she said. ‘He says that Miss Penelope is a handful, worse than his lordship's new horse.' Sarah looked desperate. ‘He says he came down on her a bit hard. Now he's afraid she'll complain. Jess, what if he loses his place?'

‘He won't, silly,' I said.

‘He might if she complains,' Sarah said darkly.

‘She won't do that,' I said biting the end off a piece of thread.

Sarah leapt on my words eagerly. ‘How do you know?'

I could have bitten my stupid tongue in two.

But her big eyes were fastened on me. I couldn't let her down. ‘Oh, I don't know,' I muttered. ‘It's just a feeling I have.' I couldn't explain how I knew. I just did.

‘She told you what happened then?' Sarah probed.

I hated this. This probing and questioning. I felt as if I was being pulled between the two of them, and I didn't like it. ‘No, she hasn't, but I know she's upset.' I'd already said more than I'd meant to. If only Sarah understood how difficult this was for me.

‘Upset?' Sarah pounced. ‘Why should she be upset?'

I wanted to crawl away somewhere. Whatever I said it would be the wrong thing.

‘Look,' I said at last. ‘Let's just say I have a hunch that there's nothing to worry about.'

To my relief that seemed to satisfy her. I saw a smile peep at me, as if what I'd said had made the sun come out. ‘Feeling hungry now?' I asked. ‘You didn't eat much dinner. Maddie was upset you didn't finish her rice pudding!'

‘I wasn't hungry then,' Sarah mumbled. Her face had flushed pink. How often I'd wished I had someone of my own, but I wouldn't want to be as much in love as Sarah was. Never ever.

I walked into the stable yard. It was three days since I'd been there. For three days I'd grabbed at any excuse to avoid it. Yesterday I'd shown unusual enthusiasm for piano practice. The day before the weather had been on my side. It wasn't on my side now. The sun was shining. It was a beautiful winter's day. I tried to reason with myself: I had a choice. I could remain cooped up and miserable in the house, or brave the stables. No report of my bad behaviour had reached Aunt. Clemmie had even told everyone that she had seen me gallop side-saddle. I'd thought that Aunt would faint! But Uncle had chuckled and said he hoped I'd join them the next time the Hunt met at Langdown. If I was to do that, I had to get into the saddle again. I'd have felt better if I'd had Clemmie, an ally, by my side. But Clemmie had gone to a party at a neighbour's, and wouldn't be back till dark.

I unlocked the catch on the stable gate. The door to Starshine's stall was open. As I walked up to it, I could hear Fred's voice inside, coaxing Starshine out. I wanted to turn and run, but I was too late. Fred had seen me. My cheeks spread with an enormous blush. He touched his cap. ‘Good afternoon, Miss Penelope,' he said. I bowed my head slightly. I'd told myself that if I saw him I'd be polite but distant. I felt my colour begin to subside. Starshine was already saddled and bridled and Fred helped me up. Neither of us said a word. Good. Then we had both reached the same conclusion. We both wanted to get the ride over as soon as possible. Tomorrow Jem could take me out. I couldn't think why I hadn't asked for him today. I patted Starshine's mane. I had to admit that I had missed her.

Fred swung himself up on to his horse, and we left the yard at a walk. I kept how I felt about that to myself. Today I would do exactly as he said. He would have no cause to complain. But almost as soon as we had left the yard, Fred rode up to my side. He cleared his throat and I felt suddenly nervous. I pulled on Starshine's rein and waited.

‘I've got something to say, Miss Penelope. I hope you won't mind, but I wanted to say I'm sorry about the other day.' His face looked really anxious. ‘I came down on you too hard. I was out of order.' I had wanted to leave the memory of that ride buried but now he'd raised it I had to respond – somehow.

‘I'm sorry, too,' I mumbled. ‘It wasn't fair on you, or Starshine.' As soon as I'd said the words, I felt better as if the big weight that had been lying on me had rolled away. I hadn't been looking at him, but now I raised my eyes to his. He looked enormously relieved – as if he had been really afraid what I might say. When it was me who had been afraid what he would say! I felt a grin spread over my face. I'd been stupid. I'd got into a state about nothing. We walked on in silence.

‘You're a good horsewoman,' Fred said suddenly. ‘You can tell by how someone handles a horse. Good hands.' We fell into a trot. His praise pleased me. He had good hands too, I thought. His horse knew exactly what he wanted. He barely touched the reins, guiding him with his knees. ‘Fancy a canter?' he asked. I nodded. ‘We'll go down to the copse and round by Emmett's farm,' he said, pointing his whip to the valley below the ridge of the hill. Emmett's was the estate's dairy farm, he told me, which supplied the estate with milk and freshly churned butter.

Fred kept a half eye on me as we rode. Whose fault was it if he didn't trust me? But I soon forgot him in the excitement of cantering across the fields. Starshine knew exactly what I wanted to do. I had never ridden a horse that was so easy to handle. She was the gentlest creature, too. I'd take her out every day now, even if…

A loud clang rang through the air. Rooks rose cawing like a black cloud from the trees. I felt Starshine tremble. Then almost before I knew what was happening she put her head down and bolted forward. I grabbed at the reins and pulled on them as hard as I could but I couldn't hold her. She was terrified – far too terrified to stop. Behind me I heard Fred shout. Starshine was galloping towards the copse. We had nearly reached it when I saw the tangle of brambles and branches and how thick and close together they grew. If I let Starshine ride into that I'd be torn to pieces. I made one last desperate tug at the reins. It was no good. ‘I can't hold her!' I cried desperately. I had to make myself fall. There was nothing for it. I gritted my teeth, and, gripping the saddle with both hands, twisted myself right round to the side, hauling my right leg over the pommel and pulling my left foot free of the stirrup. I tried not to think about what I was going to do. It had been raining so the ground wasn't hard, but it was still going to hurt. I shut my eyes and gripping the pommel pushed myself over the side. The world seemed to rock sideways as I fell. I gasped as I hit the ground, my shoulder and knee taking most of the impact. It hurt more than I'd expected. I rolled over and over, curling into myself before I came to a halt. I kept my eyes shut, feeling my breath come in tight gasps before moving slightly, untwisting my skirts and gently flexing my legs and arms to see that they still worked. I heard Fred call, heard steps run up to me.

‘Miss Penelope!' His voice was close by my ear. I opened my eyes. He was crouching next to me, a lock of hair dangling over his forehead. I saw him peer anxiously into my face. ‘Are you all right? You took quite a tumble.'

‘I couldn't hold her. It wasn't my fault. It was that noise. It startled Starshine. I had to let go.'

‘I know,' Fred said. ‘I heard it, too. It must have been the blacksmith. I've never heard him strike the anvil like that before. I only just managed to hold Nimbus.'

Then you're a better horseman than me, I thought. I tried to move again.

‘Don't move,' he said. ‘Lie quietly. I'll be right back.' I turned my head then and saw that Starshine was trotting towards us. Fred coaxed her to him gently, patting her back to calm her before tethering her reins loosely to his horse. I saw her lower her head to crop the grass. I smiled.

‘She's all right?' I said as Fred came up to me.

‘She's fine,' he said. ‘But what about you?' A frown wrinkled his forehead. ‘Can you move?'

‘I can move my legs and arms,' I said. I touched the side I'd fallen on gingerly. It ached, but it was only bruised, nothing more.

‘It was lucky you rolled off sideways, not backwards,' he said. ‘Can you try to sit up? I'll help you.' He put an arm behind me and I carefully manoeuvred myself into a sitting position. His arm still held me and I leaned back into it. It felt warm and comforting. I glanced up and saw Fred looking at me, a peculiar expression on his face. I felt myself blush and shifted slightly away from him.

‘I'm all right now,' I said. He took his arm away.

‘You've some grass and leaves on you,' he said.

‘Oh,' I said. I looked down at myself. I was muddy too, on the side I'd fallen. I put a hand to my head to right my hat and veil, tucking stray hairs in behind my ears. Fred was still watching me. My face felt hot.

‘There's still some grass on you, miss,' he said.
Oh, so that was why he was looking at me. I was a mess.
‘On your back,' he said. ‘Here, let me.' I felt his fingers on my back, gently but firmly brushing away the grass. ‘I'm not hurting you, am I?' he asked.

‘No,' I said. I liked the feel of his hand on my back. I was sorry when he took it away.

‘There,' he said. ‘You look better now.'

‘I think I could stand if you helped me,' I said. He held out a hand to pull me up. I wobbled and reached for him.

‘Steady,' he said, putting an arm round me. I leaned back against it again, It felt strong and comforting, but I made myself push it away. I was determined to get straight back up on my horse. Father had taught me to face my fears. Not that I had any real fears about Starshine. She turned her head to me and gave a soft whinny. It was like a signal.

‘Are you sure you are all right?' Fred asked.

‘I'm fine. Just a few bruises. See.' I walked unaided over to Starshine. It hurt, but I hid how much. He'd never let me up, if he knew. ‘You'll need to help me,' I said.

He shook his head. ‘You're not getting up on Starshine now.'

‘I've got to get back somehow,' I said.

‘That was a nasty fall,' he said. ‘You can ride back behind me on Nimbus. There's room for both of us.'

He held out his hand. I was tempted to take it but I had to get back on to Starshine. ‘I'm only bruised. Help me up, Fred.'

He smiled. ‘Only if you'll let me lead you back.'

I didn't answer. I wanted to finish our ride, but if I told Fred that now he might refuse to help me. ‘Are you going to help me, or do I have to do it myself?' I leaned forward to grasp the pommel. I put one foot in the stirrup. I'd meant what I'd said. Fred had folded his arms and was grinning as he watched me. He didn't believe me. Very well. I bunched up my skirt and tried to pull up my other leg, wincing as I did it.

‘No!' he exclaimed. ‘You can't get up on your own. You know you can't. Let me.' He bent down to help me and I settled myself back in the saddle. Starshine was still contentedly munching the grass. She didn't seem to mind me on her back. I leaned forward to try and untie the reins that tethered our horses together. Fred saw and shook his head. ‘I should take you home,' he said.

Home, I thought. I looked back at the house. I had no wish to return to Langdown. Here I felt at home. There, I did not.

‘No,' he said again. But I sensed that his resolve was weakening.

‘Let's ride,' I said, looking down at him. ‘Please!'

‘Yes, let's,' he said, looking back up at me.

He untied the reins that still tied Starshine to Nimbus. ‘Keep close beside me,' he said, swinging himself up into the saddle. ‘Then if Starshine bolts again…'

‘She won't,' I said.

He grinned. ‘Are you always so sure?'

‘Always,' I said.

I felt so peaceful, riding by his side. We rode across fields that I hadn't even known belonged to the estate.

‘I hadn't realized it was so large,' I said.

He shrugged. ‘It's not that big. Only a few hundred acres.'

I was used to a much bigger country, but it sounded a lot for one man to own. We passed near a farmhouse. It looked snug and cosy.

‘It looks nice,' I said. ‘I'd far rather live there than at the manor.'

‘That's the estate's dairy farm,' Fred said. ‘I grew up on a farm like that.' I couldn't have hidden my surprise very well for he grinned and said, ‘Didn't think I was a farmer's son, did you?'

‘I hadn't thought about it,' I said. I wondered what had made him leave a farm to go into service.

‘I didn't want to go into service,' he said, as if he'd guessed what I was thinking. ‘But Father died and Mam couldn't afford to keep the farm on. I was lucky I knew enough about horses to get the job here.'

‘You won't always be in service then?'

Fred shrugged. ‘Mam needs what money I can send her. And here I'm one less mouth for her to feed.' His eyes strayed over the countryside.

So, I thought, you're a captive here like me. It made me feel as if there was a bond between us. Neither of us wanted to be at Langdown. I was pleased that he'd confided in me. I felt as though we had stepped over the invisible barrier that had separated us. We rode in silence while I thought what to say.

‘But you love horses, don't you?'

‘Horses, yes, all animals. But I'd like to have my own little patch of land, grow things…' He swung round in the saddle: ‘Tell me about India.'

‘Well, it's hot,' I said, ‘and it smells.' We both burst out laughing.

‘You love it though, don't you. I can tell,' he said. ‘Will you go back there one day?'

‘I hope so – one day. But I don't know when that will be.' When I've learned to be a young lady, I thought to myself. And I didn't want to be a young lady. There had to be more to life than that.

I looked around me, at the fields that stretched for mile after mile. In spring the trees would be in leaf, and birds would build nests in the hedgerows. I would ride every day over these fields. It wasn't enough.

I was sorry when the house came into view. We were trotting, but as we got nearer Fred slowed us to a walk. I was glad. I didn't want the ride to end, ever.

‘Tomorrow?' I said as we clattered into the yard.

‘Tomorrow,' he said, as he helped me down. I lingered as he led Starshine into her stall. I leaned against the wall and watched as he began to rub her down. I'd liked to have stayed there in the stall, breathing in the smell of horse and dung and hay. When I left I felt as if I'd left a part of me behind – there, in the stall with him and Starshine. Tomorrow, he'd said. Tomorrow.