Larry Goes To Space (12 page)

He wanted to cough and wheeze a bit, but as a guy, he tried not to do that in front of women. He didn’t want to look weak. The two Teumessian females may not have been women, but they were as close as he had. Even if there were no women within a galactic quadrant, or twenty-teen-however-many light years, that didn’t mean he shouldn’t at least try to remain in super macho mode.

“Great job, you two. Really good teamwork,” he said.

“Yip, yip, bark, yip yap.” Scooter had entered the room with the translator following him on a leash. It translated his words to the two females.

“Scooter, where you been? We kind of made a mess of your kitchen,” Larry said with a smile. He surprised himself that he was genuinely pleased to see the little Teumessian.

He could see a sudden flash of distress on the Betty and Veronica’s faces. Clamping his lips around his teeth, he realized that exposing his cutting canine’s and sharp front teeth might be disconcerting to creatures who thought of themselves as prey.

Such a reaction was exactly the feeling Larry once had when he walked into a gay bar in Wichita by mistake. Larry wasn’t any Rudolf Valentino or Brad Pitt, but he was passing nice looking. From the sudden flurry of activity around him, he’d thought he was going to be dinner and swallowed whole. Not that Larry was a homophobe. He’d even let a few of the fellows buy him drinks and dance him around the jukebox a few times. Having known Nancy for so long, he’d learned how to be a tease, so when mealtime came around, he ducked out the back door.

Scooter returned his smile with his weird Teumessian imitation, nodding when Larry clamped his mouth shut. The little Teumessian said, “I have been on the bridge. We were making arrangements to abandon ship if it came to that, but we are very pleased it has not come to such a drastic measure.”

“Yeah, it looks like me and the ladies got it under control.” Larry pointed to some conduits and gaps in the wall. “Unless, the fire spread down one of those into another room or into a crawl space, or jefferies tube, or whatever you call the gaps in the walls.”

Betty leaned down and looked into one of the open conduits. She yipped for a bit, speaking directly to the translator, “We should have Yapper and Yappia re-melt these holes and do a complete flush to space of all of the environmental conduits.”

Scooter held his hands in front of his face as if he was holding water to his lips to sip. The gesture was definitely the Teumess equivalent of a human nod. “I concur, the other ships were hesitant to dock with us for fear of the fire spreading to their ships.”

“Scooter, can you identify the individuals that you are naming?” Larry asked. “That way I can get the translator to specify the individuals when it translates for me.” He kicked at a pile of rubble, thinking if it was feeling stubborn, it might flame on at any moment. It spread across the floor without a hint of flame.

“This is as you have done with Betty and me, yes?”

“Yes.”

“This one?” Scooter asked, pointing at the female by the fire suppressant control lever.

“Veronica. And the one that was in here before is Jughead.”

Veronica yipped in response to the query that came from the translator.

Scooter said, “There are two others on this ship. The male Yipper and the female Yappia.”

Larry frowned. “Okay, before I get in over my head, I assumed that the Teumessians with the bushy tails are the females.”

Scooter signaled his agreement.

Larry said, “Good. The other female is Ginger and the male is — is — um, Bob.”

Scooter signaled his assent a second time. “This will help you identify each Teumess as an individual for your comfort, yes?”

Larry snorted a little laugh, “Yeah. Isn’t that the way the Teumess do it?” While he asked the question, he began poking his impromptu pry bar around more burned rubble, looking for hot spots. He knew from watching firefighter shows on television that flare ups happen quite easily — kind of like his athlete’s foot.

Scooter waved his hands in front of his face indicating the Teumess didn’t identify everyone by individual names. “Only one without family would have a name of his own. Anyone without family is insane. We know this is not so on your world. That is why we call your planet Asylum. That is the name of a place where you lock up your insane ones, yes?”

Larry said, “But I thought you had a name of your own?

Scooter gave a hoot of a laugh. “I am insane, but you know this, yes? That is why you have given me a second name.” He struggled with the sounds but managed to vocalize Scooter. “My Teumessian name means, he who is alone with no place to hide.”

Larry laughed, “I can tell you’re sure going to learn to speak my language before I speak yours.”

Scooter laughed as did the two females. “Of course, our superior intelligence makes that the logical conclusion. What means this name Scooter?”

“Well,” Larry shrugged. “It is a name given to a friend, mostly someone whose real name is Scott. I suppose that derives from someone coming from Scotland.” He kicked apart two smoldering pieces of something resembling plastic. They stopped smoking right away.

“Is this Scotland a desirable place to come from?” Betty asked. She bent over the plastic parts, even flipping one upside down. Her snort of disgust didn’t give Larry a clue whether she was disgusted with the smell or with whatever the thing had been and was now useless.

“I can’t say about the place, but the people are known to be strong, courageous, and good-hearted. Someone named Scooter is all this and a friend.”

“What is this friend? We hear this word, but it lacks meaning,” Betty asked. All three Teumessians quit poking around the rubble and stared at Larry.

“A friend is someone you like and who likes you right back. It’s someone who helps you when you need help. It’s someone you will go help, even if it is inconvenient for you. It’s the person you choose to be with when you have a choice.”

“This is not just family?” Betty asked.

“Sometimes family can be friends. But humans tend to choose friends outside of family. I’ve been told many choose a lifelong mate from among their friends. Family will sometimes help you because of a sense of obligation. A friend will help you because they want to.”

Betty made agreement with her hands. “That’s our Scooter. The loss of his family has made his insanity obvious for all to see.” She patted Scooter on the shoulder in sympathy, for either the loss of his family, the loss of his sanity, or maybe for both.

She turned back to Larry. “What means this Betty?”

Larry shrugged, “I don’t really know the origin of the name, but among many, a betty is a young female who is very pretty and um — a desirable mate. Is that okay to say?” A rising wisp of smoke from a pile of rubble gave him the opportunity to swing the pry bar, avoiding showing Betty his blush.

Betty took a step backward, but Scooter and Veronica laughed.

“You want to mate with me?” Betty said. Even the translator managed to get the shocked tone correct.

Larry emphatically waved his hands in front of his face in the Teumessian gesture no. “You’re a very attractive Teumess. Your fur may be singed a bit now, but it’s smooth and full. Your face is straight and your eyes are very large and sparkly.”

Grandma always told him to compliment a woman’s shoes, but she never said what to do when the female was naked, except for a coat of fur. Of course, Grandma also said to make sure you kissed her after you had sex, even if it was just a quickie in the back seat of a car. He didn’t see how that would make a woman feel better about herself after giving it up on vinyl in a Dodge, but Grandma seemed to think so. “Besides, I can recognize beauty without the desire to possess it. I’d think Scooter would’ve tried to make you his mate.”

All of the Teumessians looked even more shocked.

“How could I mate with him? He is insane.”

Larry was beginning to think that he and the Teumessians had different definitions of insane. “I didn’t mean that you would mate with him. Only that he would want to mate with you because of your beauty. That’s how it is with a betty on Earth.”

Scooter waved his hands no. “I could not mate with Betty. She is insane. None can mate with the insane, but she is beautiful. Her Teumess name is Lost Among the Sun’s Rays.”

Veronica laughed. “All intelligent creatures recognize beauty. Insanity is no guarantee of unintelligence. What of the name you have given me? Veronica.” Her vocal chords mangled the word but she did try.

Larry shrugged. “Veronica is a betty, but with darker fur.” He rubbed his head to emphasis the hair color. “Veronica is a friend to Betty, but no less pretty. Both are desired by males, but they usually only mate with one male.”

Veronica laughed, “That would be a fine thing if I weren’t as crazy as Betty. I am called Gone With the Wind.”

When he stopped laughing, Larry said, “Two people alone, crazy or not, sounds like a good reason to become friends.”

The two females looked at each other as if considering a new concept.

Scooter said, “All individual names have meaning on your world as do ours, yes?”

“No. My name is Larry. That is not short for anything. It’s just Larry. Originally it comes from the name Laurence, who was a man that gave help to the poor and needy about 1700 Earth years ago.” He studied the piles of burned rubble hoping they wouldn’t have to restart the fire suppression system with whatever toxic smelling goop they used. He poked at a few piles whether they needed poking or not.

Scooter said, “This is correct then, yes? We are needy and you are going to help us.”

Larry was tempted to say that was just serendipity, but he decided to just go with it being a coincidence. “Just luck. My parents gave me the name when I was newly born. It was well before they knew what kind of human I would become.”

Scooter accepted that. “Sane Teumessians do not have names as they are known for who they are among their family. The family has a name that is known only to the family.”

“Humans have family names, but we share them at will,” Larry said.

Betty asked, “And these other names you have given our crew: Jughead, Ginger, and Bob.” She struggled with her Teumess vocal cords to get the names sounded out. “These names have meaning?”

Larry laughed a little self-consciously. “Well, Jughead isn’t very complimentary. It sort of means a goofball. He’s a loyal and honest person, but he isn’t smart. Sorry, I don’t mean to offend your friend. I can call—”

“Friend?” Scooter interrupted. “Jughead is not a friend. How can he be? He is insane. Besides, this name fits better than his insane name.”

Larry sighed and continued, “Ginger is like a betty, but more reddish in color. And unlike Veronica or Betty, Ginger will mate with anyone.”

Both females laughed.

He thought it best to let that line of conversation go, so he said, “The name Bob? Well, I guess that is a guy who floats up and down in the water.”

Betty said, “Water? Why would anyone float in the water? Even on your planet, there are things in the water that will eat you. Humans aren’t the top carnivore on Earth.”

“No, we are at the top of the food chain only because we are smarter than the other creatures, but yes, there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of things on Earth that would eat a human if we let them.”

Scooter looked curiously at Larry. “How do you stop them? We know there are many creatures that are stronger and faster. This is true, yes?”

“Yes, but we can fence them off, wall them out, or cage them up. We can band together and keep them away. But, sometimes, like getting into the water, you just get in and take your chances. And speaking of water, before I go get into the water and shower off this soot and grime, how about you give me a broom and a trash bag and I’ll help you get this cleaned up.”

Betty shook her head. “We need to leave this as it is. The ship’s caretakers will want to investigate how this fire started and spread. They will clean this up.”

Larry said, “Then, tell them to fix that lever. It’s in the wrong place for Teumessians to reach and it was too hard to move.” He leaned a shoulder against the bulkhead and pointed the end of the pry bar at the lever for emphasis.

Veronica said, “How can we tell them? They would not believe us even if they would talk to us. We are—”

Larry and Veronica finished together “—insane.”

“I think I’m getting the picture here,” Larry said.

“Do not underestimate the caretakers, they aren’t insane,” Betty said. “Perhaps they will send a message to the ship’s builders and ask how to fix this.”

“We’re going to have to do without a kitchen?” Larry asked.

Veronica said, “This has been our sleeping quarters, kitchen, and dining space. As our guest and our savior, it’s only right that we’ve given you the largest cabin. We six have shared this space.”

Betty said, “We can take turns sleeping on the bridge, and there is still plenty of corridor space.”

Larry shook his head, “Hey, there’s plenty of space in my cabin. I don’t mind sharing. But, this can’t be all the cabins on the ship? Does engineering take up the rest of the space?” He doubted it. He was a farmer, but he had a reasonably good sense of spatial analysis. There was a lot more space on this ship than could be accounted for by engineering on the first floor and the bridge, his room and the burned out kitchen on the second floor. Besides, he didn’t imagine any logically thinking species would build a spaceship without storage bays, warehouse space, maybe a shuttle hangar, or even a large walk-in closet.