Last Christmas (2 page)

“Awful! Didn’t I just say? I’m stressing out because Marcus is coming.”

“Marcus is coming? Why on earth is Marcus coming?” Ella asked surprised but distracted.

“Because I’m a bloody idiot and when I bumped into him the other day I panicked and I invited him, that’s why.”

“Oh gosh. Well, don’t panic. You’ve seen him many times since you broke up. It won’t be as bad as you’re imagining it to be.” Ella walked back through the supermarket but there was no trace of the Brown Haired man.

She gave up her search and wondered to the bakery section. If Marcus was going to be at the party tonight then Libby would need cheering up and Ella, being Libby’s best friend, was well aware of her two great loves; cake and fashion.

“But that’s not the only thing Ell,” Libby croaked nervously. “I invited his new girlfriend too.”

“WHAT!” Ella cried. “Libby Catherine Crosley you don’t help yourself do you?”

“I know, I know,” Libby giggled. “I’m an idiot. I’m so nervous. I just had to make this party harder for myself. Honestly Ella, I’m a wreck. I don’t want to see him and least of all
her
, and even least of all at my
own
party
!”

Ella sighed. Libby was indeed her own worst enemy; ever since they were little, Libby had always been getting herself,
and
Ella
, into trouble.

“Oh Libs. Okay, you need to go and have a bath to relax. You have a few hours before the party and your mum is there to help too. I can come early if you like?”

“Hmm, don’t worry about coming early but –”

“But the most important thing to do is to find a cracking outfit.” There it was. Fashion. The key to Libby’s heart. Libby worked as a stylist to the stars and her life was steeped in all things fashion. If Ella could distract Libby with clothes, accessories and make-up, then she might calm down.

“Oooh you’re right Ell! Okay, what should I wear? I don’t have that many dresses at my parents’ house. But I’ve got a new Valentino number I haven’t shown you yet – it’s red, very Christmassy! Actually it might be a little over the top. I don’t want to look desperate or have my dad’s friends staring at my cleavage for a creepy amount of time; I don’t want them dribbling as I pass around the appetizers!”

Ella grinned. “Libs, do you know you’re wicked? What are your other options?” she asked as she looked at the Christmas roulades. She asked the lady behind the bakery counter how much the one with the white snowflake icing was, while Libby rummaged through her wardrobe on the other end of the phone.

Ella could hear the metallic screeching of the hangers as Libby rifled through mountains of clothes.

“Aha!” she squealed. “I’ve got that gorgeous black Versace dress?”

“Hmm, which one is that Libs?” Ella asked, confused by her friend’s endless collection of couture. 

“It’s the velvety one. It’s a bit old but it still fits.”

“Oh that one! Definitely wear that!”

“Are you sure?” Libby asked hesitantly. Ella could tell she needed some more coaxing. She picked up the roulade from the counter and said “Definitely! I remember your arse looking particularly insane in that. Wear the Versace, you’ll look fit to fuck.”

Just as the reassuring words slipped out of her mouth, Ella turned around to see the Brown Haired man standing right in front of her. She almost dropped the roulade on the floor.

Shit
,
shit
,
shit!
Her cheeks coloured from icy white to fiery red in seconds.
How
embarrassing!
He stared at her with an unreadable expression. This second unexpected run in was not nearly as nice as the first one.

Ella could hear Libby’s chuckle echoing menacingly through her phone speaker.

“Oh darling, thank you. You’ve cheered me up! I’m going to go and get ready now, got a million and one things to do before the party. I’ll see you at eight, on the dot! Love you.”

“See you tonight,” Ella murmured quietly. She hung up her phone shyly and put it in her pocket. To her disappointment, the Brown Haired man recoiled from her with a faint attempt at a smile. Taking a few steps backwards, he turned and disappeared along with his basket. Ella was so angry at herself.

I can’t believe he heard me say that! I was just trying to make Libby feel better!

But Ella’s exasperation soon turned to chuckling. She barely knew the difference between Valentino and Versace; she wasn’t good with brands, so it was ironic that this man had just been scared off by her fashion conscious slur.

He
probably
thinks
I’m
some
stuck
up
designer
whore
… Ella shook the thoughts of self-doubt and embarrassment from her head; what did it matter what he thought about her anyway? She would never see him again.

On that note, Ella charged to the check out, paid for her items and left for home.

Chapter Two

Ella dunked her little toe into the bubbly water. It was too hot to submerge herself just yet, so she turned to the cupboards under the sink and rummaged around until she found a long mauve candle. She placed it in a candle holder on the side of the bath, lit it and waited for the lavender scent to fill the room. Killing time in order to let the bath cool, she walked out of her bathroom, across the open plan studio to the bookshelf where she kept her DVDs and CDs. Ella adored classic films, especially those set at Christmas. On the shelf stood
White
Christmas
and
Holiday
Inn
, which she had watched a silly amount of times.

Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby.
What
gentleman
they
were
.
They
knew
how
to
romance
a
woman
.
They
cannot
leave
me
. Ella lingered over the DVDs and moved on to her CD collection. She picked up a compilation CD named
Best
Christmas
Songs
of
All
Time
, opened the case and placed the CD in her audio system that was built into the bottom shelf of the case. She knew CDs were outdated but the speakers in her old stereo were so good she couldn’t resist using them still. She pressed play and the familiar opening chimes of ‘All I want for Christmas is You’ trickled out of the speakers.

She treaded the dark wooden floorboards back to the bathroom, dancing to the festive tune as she went. She kept the glass sliding door to her bathroom ajar so she could hear the music and untied her dressing gown.

The water was still boiling. Ella slowly lowered herself down past the bubbles and into the water as if going slower would make the water cooler. She screwed up her face and tensed her abs as she submerged her stomach and then her shoulders as she reclined. She finally plucked up the courage to dunk her head and when she came back up again to the sounds of Mariah Carey belting out the high notes, the soapy water lapped against the edge of the bath-tub and spilt over the edge. Ella took the sponge in front of her and washed herself while humming along to the song. She used the sponge as a microphone once she had finished washing.

“All I want for Christmas iiiiisss…youuuu ooooo!” Ella strained to reach the final top note but she didn’t let her awful singing prowess stop her. She thrashed around in the hot water and bobbed her head to the fading beat like a chicken lacking rhythm. She squeezed a large dollop of shampoo out of the bottle and started massaging it into her scalp, creating a thick lather. She got a bit of foam in her ear that muted her hearing for a moment. When she used a towel to wipe out the shampoo, she heard the next track from the album spilling through the living room. Wham!’s ‘Last Christmas’ was jingling festively.

Last
Christmas
I
gave
you
my
heart
but
the
very
next
day
you
gave
it
away
.

Ella’s stomach churned. She put down the towel and sat back against the wall of the bath, clasping the edges of the tub with her hands.

This song was about her. One of her favourite Christmas songs was now ruined by the memory of her ex-boyfriend! She hadn’t heard it yet this year but of course it was going to upset her, she thought. Last Christmas she was with Robbie and he had literally given her heart away the very next day. Well the week after, but the lyrics tore through her just as hard, as if the song had been written to mock her.

Ella sighed as she leant against the cold tiles, her hair still covered in a white halo of bubbles. The depressing chorus persisted:
Last
Christmas
I
gave
you
my
heart
but
the
very
next
day
you
gave
it
away
. What had she been doing this time last Christmas, on the 15th of December?

She’d been waiting for Robbie at Fortnum and Mason to do their shop of opulent goodies for the festive season. It was one of their annual traditions but last year Ella had stood waiting for him for ages in the biting cold. After an hour she admitted defeat and went into the shop alone, half-frozen. He was clearly not coming to join her. As she had started to peruse the food court her phone had pinged and she read a message from Robbie:
Sorry
Ell
,
working
late
again
today
.
See
you
at
home
x
.

Working late, again! He had been so busy with work at the time that Ella felt like she had hardly seen him. Looking back, it was so obvious that something more had been going on, that it wasn’t just work that was occupying his thoughts. But Ella didn’t know that then and his suspicious behaviour had only proved to raise Ella’s hopes of a Christmas proposal.

Her friends had all been hinting at it – Ella and Robbie had been together for six years, they were of the right age, they loved each other; it all seemed right, perfect even. Perhaps he was ring shopping and that was why he couldn’t make it to Fortnum and Mason, she had thought. He was finalising the ring! Ella vowed not to chastise him for working late and let the next week run its natural course.

A few times that week she had cheekily alluded to rings and marriage, thinking that she was hot on the scent. 

Then on Christmas Eve in their house in Chelsea, which spread over three floors, Ella believed the moment had finally arrived. It was after dinner, when they sat underneath the over-decorated Christmas tree to open an early present, a tradition Ella’s father had started, that she believed Robbie was about to propose. Robbie fished through the pile of presents to reveal a small jewelry box that almost brought a tear to Ella’s eye. Robbie normally had the cheekiest grin on his face when he watched her open presents but he didn’t today.

This
is
the
moment
, Ella had thought as Robbie had pecked her on the cheek and passed her the box.

“Here you go darling,” he said with a lack of enthusiasm.

But Ella was too excited to notice her boyfriend’s indifferent expression.

She propped herself up so she was sitting on her knees, brushed the hair from her eyes and opened the box in apprehension.

“Oh.”

It was a beautiful and delicate silver bracelet studded with sapphires and diamonds coiled up in a spiral so that it fit in the small box.

It was incredibly special but it wasn’t a ring. Ella’s hopes were dashed and Robbie could see the look of surprise on her face.

“What’s wrong Ell? Don’t you like it?”

“No, no, I do,” she said forcing a smile. “It’s lovely.”

She was distraught. She had built up this moment throughout the day and dinner and when she saw the right shaped box she felt certain Robbie was going to propose.

Robbie got up to clean the dishes and didn’t say another word until they went to bed.

What
is up
with
him
at
the
moment?
she had thought.

Ella entertained the idea that perhaps the bracelet in the small box was just a joke at her expense which was leading up to the real proposal? Perhaps he had chosen the small box on purpose to frustrate her and he was really going to propose to her on Christmas Day when his whole family was there? That sounded more like Robbie. Showing off to as many people as possible – that’s how he’d do it. And he loved to wind her up. Yes, this was all just a game to throw her off the trail! Ella perked herself up and had gone bed that night sure that Robbie would propose the next day. She fell asleep looking at the sapphires and diamonds in the bracelet on her bedside table, the precious stones glimmering with hope.

But the next day, there was no ring to match the beautiful bracelet. They opened their stockings and presents in muted mirth and had a lovely, but normal, Christmas Day at his parents’ grand house in Kensington.

Ella, disappointed and angry at herself for letting her friends’ gossip raise her hopes, decided to let life slip back to the usual after the holidays. Robbie would propose when he was ready and in the meantime she would support him while work was stressful.

She said nothing as Robbie spent every day of the following week in the office even though he had booked it off as holiday. He would get back at eleven o’clock and slip into bed with Ella, cuddle her and say nothing. She nuzzled into him, hoping she could dispel his stress with kisses, replacing words with affection because she didn’t know what to say to him when he wouldn’t let her in.

But all her worries were replaced with new, bigger ones on New Year’s Eve. When Ella got back to the Chelsea flat after seeing Libby for a coffee, she had found a note waiting for her on the kitchen table.

My
darling
Ell
,

I’ve
taken
the
job
in
Chicago
that
we
talked
about
a
few
months
ago
.
I’m
leaving
tonight
.
I
think
we
both
know
it
hasn’t
been
right
recently
.
We’ve
had
the
most
amazing
six
years
but
I’m
not
ready
for
the
commitment
you
want
.
I
don’t
want
to
disappoint
you
,
you’re
too
good
for
that
and
deserve
more
than
me
.
You
deserve
better
.
You
will
always
be
the
most
incredible
woman
I’ll
ever
have
had
the
pleasure
of
meeting
.
But
I
don’t
think
I
can
ever
commit
to
marriage
.
I
know
how
much
it
means
to
you
.
You
spoke
of
it
recently
and
it
panicked
me
.
I’m
sorry
.
Please
forgive
me
.
I
think
you’ll
be
happier
this
way
.

Robbie
x

Ella’s heart dropped. She felt like her whole body had just been torn in half by a chain saw. She couldn’t process the blurry words on the page and she read it over and over again until it’s contents and the scrawled handwriting were etched into her vision permanently. She could recite it word for word even now, a year on.

Ella, overwhelmed by despair, had collapsed on the floor in a heap. She had called Libby and sobbed down the phone, trying to explain what had happened. Libby cancelled her New Year’s Eve plans and went straight to be at the side of her heart-broken best friend.

That night was the worst night of Ella’s life. She felt hopeless, rejected, cast aside. All the love she had shown Robbie, all the years they had spent building their life together, he had just thrown away in a fit of panic. How carelessly he had done it. He had left her a note, a scrap of paper that became heavier and heavier every time she read it.

Ella didn’t hear from him for weeks and those weeks turned into months. She told herself she was better off without him and convinced herself that everything she had once loved about him was irritating and repulsive.

He was too patronising. He was too argumentative. He was ostentacious. He was showy and image conscious. He was pedantic about the most annoying things, he was sexist, he was … he was everything bad in the world.