Last Days of Summer (10 page)

I
NTERVIEWER:
Donald M. Weston, Ph.D.

S
UBJECT:
Joseph Charles Margolis

Q:
Wow.

A:
That's not all. Every time he came to the plate he'd turn around and ask us what he should do. Everybody saw it. Even on the radio. They thought we were really short coaches.

Q:
I heard. You even made the papers.

A:
We
did
?

Q:
The
Telegram
. I saved it for you. So what did you tell him?

A:
I said he should look for the inside fastball since that's what Hugh Casey likes to throw at him. Craig just told him to give the bat to Mel Ott so we could see some real hitting.

Q:
That wasn't very smart.

A:
And that's a fact. But the only reason Craig lives dangerously is because that's what the Green Hornet would do.

Q:
What about Aunt Carrie?

A:
She watched the whole thing through teeny binoculars. When Pistol Pete Reiser came up, she called out a blessing on his head and said he was a mensch.

Q:
Bet it pissed him off.

A:
Bet it didn't. He hit the first pitch to left field. But whenever Charlie batted she went to the ladies' room.

Q:
And your mom?

A:
She made him noodle kugel but I think he saved it for later. If he ate it before the game he wouldn't have been able to stand up. How come my father doesn't like me?

Q:
Hey, now. Nobody ever said that.

A:
He won't go to my Bar Mitzvah. Smokes, that's about the worst thing you can do to
any
body. Aunt Carrie says that Job had it easy with locusts. He could have known my father instead.

Q:
Joey—

A:
Well,
some
body's got to stand up for me. I'm not allowed to get Bar Mitzvahed by myself, for Pete's sake. Am I?

Q:
Don't you have any uncles?

A:
No. Only a cousin in San Diego. But he's nine.

Q:
Come on, Shadow. You've been in tougher spots than this before.

A:
Well, I do have
one
idea.

Q:
I figured you would. And I'll bet I know what it is.

A:
Then don't tell anybody.

Dear Charlie,

For some reason Jews think that you're old enough to be a man when you turn 13, even though you're still not allowed to drink Scotch or smoke cigars or play pool or pack a heater or kiss girls like Rachel (even on the side of her face). So what's the point? But they still make a big shindy out of it. You get to go to Temple on the Sabbath and be up on the stage with your Dad in front of everybody and open the Torah (which is just a Bible on one really long piece of paper rolled up onto two sticks). Then you read out loud from it and run the whole service by yourself, just like you were the Rabbi or somebody. Remember the time Carl Hubbell got to be temporary manager when Mr. Terry had the squirts from anchovies? It's the same thing.

Big deal anyway. At least I don't have to ruin the whole summer by learning Hebrew. The only bad part is not getting presents because Jewish relatives know how to give presents better than anybody. Most of the time it's handkerchiefs or books about birds or a subscription to
Natural Wonders
, but once in awhile a good one sneaks in like a typewriter or a wireless receiver or new marbles with mostly glassies or The Shadow's Secret Code Book.

Craig wants to know if he can come with you the next time you have dinner with Leo Durocher. He's not trying to be a pain in the ass so don't get sore at him. Craig is one of those people who goes around singing about “Murgatroyd Darcy, a broad from Canarsie, who went 'round with a fellow
named Rodgers, while doing a rumba or jitterbug numba” and all the rest of that crap. It's a very popular song in Brooklyn. Everybody sings it except me. Know why? Well you don't need an education to figure out what rhymes with “Rodgers,” do you? I hate them all. Craig doesn't. I think he'd lick the sidewalk if Durocher or Babe Herman or Ducky Medwick walked on it. Me, I'd rather get my face bashed in first.

Joey

Dear Joey,

There you go again. Your the kid who got that Pumpkin Mouth in the White House to write you back and thank you himself for getting him elected (though you will one day look back on this and think it was the worst mistake you ever made) and also got Chas. Banks 3d Base to call you a Chiseler before he even knew who you were. But just because your old man does not know a good thing when he's got one means you cannot have a Bar Mitzvah???? I don't think so.

I will show you how easy this is.

Charlie

P.S. Tell Craig I would not have dinner with Leo Durosher if he had the whole Hall of Fame stuck up his ass. Come to think of it, I would not have dinner with Craig either. Let him ask his buddy Mel Ott.

P.S.2. Aunt Carrie showed up at Ebbets Field for both of our Lady's Day games with The Team You Hate And Would Rather Get Your Face Bashed In First Than Even Say Their Name. I do not mind her telling P. Reiser how to hold a bat or even calling him Darling for good luck, on account of knowing it is only to get my goat. But his average goes up 20 points every time she is here and some of the boys are starting to look at me like it is my fault. Also, how come she never has to go to the crapper until I am on deck?

P.S.3. Uh-oh. Who's Rachel?

Rabby Morris Lieberman

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside

Brooklyn NY

Dear Rabby Lieberman,

I am writing because I think you are giving Joseph Margolis a raw deal. Even though I am a Protestant and would not know a Tora from a rats ass, fair is fair. And just because the kid's father does not even have the ABC's of a 50¢ whore on New Years Eve does not mean you have to take it out on the kid by not letting him get a Bar Mitzvah or presents such as glassies that come with the deal. Okay maybe you've got Moses and we've got Jesus. So what. They are both dead. And all we have left of either one of them is the 10 commandments which are the same for all of us.

This is a kid who can pull off anything. Including not needing anybody to stand up for him on account of being able to do it all by himself. But if your church still thinks that a father or somebody like him should be put into the lineup, who says it has to be a relative???? There's plenty of other guys who would do it for him PDQ without even asking how come.

Do not cross him, Rabby. He knows the President.

Charles Banks

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside Avenue • Brooklyn, New York

Mrs. Ida Margolis

236 Montgomery Street

Brooklyn, New York

Dear Mrs. Margolis:

I received the attached, somewhat incomprehensible letter this morning. While no one was more dismayed at the father's apparent lack of interest than I was. I am sure you can understand that I could not possibly permit a Gentile to participate in a Sabbath service, regardless of how deeply felt his intentions may be.

Please assure the boy that I am doing my best to locate a solution to this rather unfortunate turn of events.

Respectfully,
Rabbi Morris Lieberman

Dear Rabbi Lieberman,

There is something you should know. Charlie Banks wants to convert. We have been talking about it for a long time, though it is still supposed to be a secret due to Hitler and others like him. And because it is not very safe to be Jewish these days, I think he is very brave. When I told him the story about Pharaoh and the Red Sea, he got a funny look on his face and all he could say was “That's for me.” Then he bought a Star of David for his house, just like Hank Greenberg who is his idol. (In case you don't know, Mr. Greenberg plays for Detroit and they call him Hammerin' Hank and he hit 41 home runs last year and his Rabbi was in Time Magazine.)

Anyway, Charlie thought that my Bar Mitzvah would be good practice for him so that when he begins to study with you next year he will already have a head start. Besides, how many people in our temple are batting .367?

Joey Margolis

Man About Town

by Winchell

MacKay Platter Hits the Sky

Steamy songstress Hazel MacKay remains on top of the world and on top of the charts for the third week running with her latest series of Bluebird recordings, “
I Get a Kick Out of You” and Other Old Friends
, a collection of love songs made popular by that ever-piping brass calliope Ethel Merman.

Word of MacKay's razzle-dazzle reached the Merm at El Morocco where she was sipping a Singapore Sling. “Is she still around?” asked Eth. “I heard she got tired of doing my old material and quit. It's like eating yesterday's hash anyway.”

MacKay's only comment: “These songs are timeless. Especially when they're sung properly.”

Friday Night Late
(and I miss you)

Dear Goodlookin',

I was on my way to the club when that loudmouthed cow crossed the street right in front of my taxi. I offered the driver double the meter if his brakes should happen to fail.

Joey sat through both shows tonight and by 11:30 he'd learned all the fills to “This Can't Be Love”. So I brought him up onstage with me and we did it as a duet. The kid's a born ham. Five encores. I'm either going to have to kill him or put him in the act.

I loved your letter to Lieberman. One suggestion: if you ever hear from him again, try to avoid bringing up the rat's ass and the 50¢ whore. Sometimes they get funny about that. By the way, stop worrying. You're thinking of a Bris. And they don't try to cut it off—it's a lot less dramatic than that.

Guess who loves you?

-H-

P.S. I read in the
Daily News
that there's a Charlie Banks fan club in Philadelphia composed entirely of attractive young women. If they show up at your hotel, call me. I'll take it from there.

Dear Toots,

You heard wrong. I tried 4 of the girls in the Philly fan club and they are not
that
attractive. (Only kidding!!!!!!) But Pitt. would be a lot prettier if you were here.

Be careful about letting the kid sing with you on account of the next thing you know you will be eating dinner at his house and getting the Third Degree from the Aunt and taking him to places such as Coney Island and writing him letters when you should be practicing instead, and half the time you will not even know why your doing it. He is like an earthquake. When it happens you can't stop it.

I will remember about not cussing out a Rabby again, just in case. But I think he knows the score now and Joey will get his Bar Mitzvah even without that thing he calls a father. The Rabby just needed to be straightened out.

Guess who loves you back.

Charlie

P.S. Stuke says he is going to marry Jean Harlow. Would you please tell him she croaked? He thinks I am making it up due to being jealous.

Temple Chizuk Amuno

1243 Parkside Avenue • Brooklyn, New York

Charles Banks

227 West 94th Street, Apt. 14-A

New York, New York

Dear Mr. Banks:

I have discussed your letter in depth with Rabbi Cohen and Cantor Rosenfeld, and though such a concession is irregular—to say the very least—we believe that the special circumstances involved permit us to accept your offer.

As the adult male responsible for standing beside Joseph as he becomes a man, you are requested to work with him informally on his Torah and Haftorah readings throughout the summer, whenever time will permit. Copies of both are enclosed. (I trust you are familiar with Genesis 6, v. 9—the story of Noah.) During the ceremony itself, your recitation from the Scriptures will be divided equally between the two of you: