Last December (15 page)

And I was totally in my head just enjoying the crisp, cold warmth all around me when I heard someone calling me, Sam, and I stopped and realized I was almost right in front of the Donut Hole, and I heard the voice again, and it said, “Kid … over here,” and I squinted over to my left and down the alley between the Donut Hole and the shoe shop beside it. I could just barely see Byron, with his long hair hanging down, and I didn’t even need to think twice. I ran down the alley, because I was just so glad to see my friend.

But when I got to the end of the alley, I stopped because Byron was in the shadows, leaning against the wall with one hand in his pocket, and I said, “What’s going on?” and he shrugged and paused and said, “I need a favor,” and I said, “Um … what?” and he didn’t say anything for a bit, he just looked forward, so that I could see his profile, and I noticed for the first time that his nose
was sort of big, and then finally he pushed himself off the wall and walked toward me.

And something was wrong. I could sort of tell by the way his feet kind of shuffled, because Byron never shuffled, he strode, and then I noticed Byron had a smoke, and it was unlit and black on the end like he had been smoking it but as he got closer, I saw that it wasn’t a smoke, it was a marijuana joint, and then I looked up at his face and it was like it was him but it wasn’t, which totally freaked me out.

And for a split second I thought it wasn’t actually Byron, which is weird but true, and then I got this terrible terrible feeling in my gut like I’d just heard the worst news ever. I tried not to stare at him, so I looked down and then I noticed something else, but with my nose. Byron smelled like alcohol, but kind of burned or rotten alcohol, even though it was 3 in the afternoon, and I looked up again and I was just trying to sort of figure out what to do, because it was like I was in an alternate universe again, but this time things really
were
different.

And I thought maybe I should ask Byron if he was all right, but I didn’t want him to get mad at me or something, so I just stood there and felt like I was going to puke, and then I was sort of panicking inside my head, searching for the right thing to say, like there was
one
exactly right thing to say in the whole entire universe, and finally I just sort of mumbled, “Um … do you wanna go play, um, Ms. Pac-Man?”

And his eyes sort of flickered, like when a dead fire pops up a last little flame out of nowhere, and then he turned his head away.

And when Byron looked back at me, his eyes were glassy, which made them look more bloodshot, and he pulled his hand out of his pocket and he looked down at it, and in his open hand was a folded piece of paper, and it was from one of those coiled pads, so part of the paper had all those little torn shreds from the holes, and he folded it two more times like he was trying to squeeze something out of it. And then he said, “I need … I need you to give this to the girl in there, you know, at the counter,” and I said, “Um … sure, you mean, Karen,” and he nodded but he didn’t give the note to me right away, he just stared at me, and then he said softly, “But don’t read this, okay? Just don’t fucking read it … or I’ll kill you.”

“Okay, Byron,” I said, “I promise. And then, tears just started falling down his face, and I looked down at the ground and then up again, and he was just staring at me and didn’t even wipe the tears away, as if they weren’t even there, as if I wasn’t there, and the tears were rolling down his chin and down the side of his neck, I was watching them, because it meant I didn’t have to look in his eyes, and and then he thrust his hand out and he shook it and he said, “Just take it.”

And he handed over the note and I took my glove off, and when I grabbed it, the note was warm and sort of damp or something, even though it was sunny, cold, and dry outside, and I turned it over like a stupid scientific specimen, because I didn’t know what else to do, and I could see blue ink on the other side, and I saw a word through the paper, but it was backward, and I was pretty sure it said
surrender
, and I felt guilty that I’d read the word
surrender
backward, and when I looked up, Byron had
already turned and was walking away toward the back of the building, and I wanted to say something to stop him, but I just couldn’t because, because I just couldn’t, because it just wasn’t meant to happen.

And I stood there for a while just staring at the folded note, and I felt so depressed suddenly like all the good stuff about Jenny had been blown away like a speck of nothing, and I kind of wanted to open the letter up, and then again I guess I really really really didn’t, so I squeezed it hard like Byron did and walked around the building and went into the Donut Hole, and I guess I was sort of dazed, and Karen was there in front of the counter, just like when I met her the first time when she gave me those four pennies.

“Hey, stranger,” she said, smiling, “is everything okay?” and I walked up and I still couldn’t even say anything, so I just put the note on the counter in front of her, and it opened a little and became a tepee on the glass, and she said, “What’s this?” and I said, “It’s from Byron,” and she snapped it up and ripped it trying to get it open, because it was so moist, I guess, and then her eyes went like crazy over the note, holding it in two pieces, and she said, “Oh my god,” and then she said, “Where did he go?” and I said, “Um … I don’t know, around and behind and … then … I don’t know,” and she ran out around the counter and out the door, and I watched her cross the front of the building, and then she was gone.

And my heart was beating like mad for some reason, and an old man was eating a doughnut at the counter and he just looked at me with sugar powder on his lips, like I had a disease or something,
and so I ran out of the Donut Hole with my stupid hockey stick over my shoulder and I just kept running and running and running until I couldn’t run anymore.

And I didn’t go play hockey, Sam, because I just couldn’t, like it would be the worst thing I could do, and even after I stopped running my heart wouldn’t stop beating like crazy, and my throat was so tight like I was going to cry or something, and I couldn’t stop wondering about what Byron’s note had said, and I thought that maybe he was breaking up with Karen, but I knew deep down that that wasn’t it. And then I suddenly felt weak, Sam, like I could barely walk, and maybe it was because I’d seen the truth, the real truth, about Byron and everything, for the first time, even though I didn’t really know what the hell that was, and all I did know was that I just needed to lie down.

I was ready to drop when I came in the apartment door, but Ma was right
there
on the couch. “What are you doing here?” I demanded, and she snapped, “The question is what are
you
doing NOT studying and playing hockey instead?” and I said, “I wasn’t playing hockey, I was just …,” and she stood up and snapped, “I’ve had just about enough of this lying and sneaking around, young man. It’s about time we have that talk, because you have been seriously disrespectful,” and I just dropped my stick and skates and walked away toward my room because otherwise I didn’t know what I was going to do, and Ma yelled, “Don’t you walk away from me, young man, come back here, right now!” and then I turned.

“You have no idea what’s going on and I
hate
you,” I screamed. “You only care about your stupid baby, and you have no idea all
the crazy stuff that’s happening to
me
, because of your fucking baby brain and your fucking baby, and you don’t even know that Byron is probably going to kill himself, and then Karen is just going to die, now that I think of it, so am I because nobody cares about anyone in this stupid world, so why don’t you just go read your stupid baby book and complain about your stupid back and not liking mac and cheese, and don’t bother worrying about me, Ma, because I’m not going to be a stupid cause or an effect in your life anymore, because I just won’t exist.”

And Ma just stood there with her mouth open, like she was paralyzed, and then the phone started ringing and we just both stood there, and then she said, “Oh my god,” and she grabbed her tummy and her face just totally went pale.

“Oh my god,” she yelled, looking up to the ceiling like she was at the bottom of a well. “Go tell Mrs. Carpenter. … Go tell Mrs. Carpenter to do something!” and I stood there like an idiot, because I couldn’t move, and then she looked straight at me and said, “Steven, Steven, Steven” softly like she was begging me, and I was running out of our apartment before I even knew I was doing it, and Mrs. Carpenter’s door was open and I ran in and stopped because she was already on the phone, and I heard her say, “Hello. I need an ambulance. There’s an emergency at 453 Harrow Rd., apartment 304. She’s my neighbor, she’s seven months pregnant, and I think … I think she’s having her baby.”

I don’t remember how we got to the hospital, Sam. Mrs. Carpenter told me later on that I went in the ambulance, because I was a family member, and that I rode in the back with Ma, but I’m telling you, Sam, I don’t remember much about it. All I remember was red flashing lights, and a bag with liquid in it, swaying back and forth, back and forth, and it was hanging on a thingy that looked like the beginning of a hangman game, and maybe I remember the siren, too.

But then I do remember suddenly being in the hospital with long fluorescent lights on the ceiling and watching Ma go inside on one of those wheelie tables and she was saying something to me, but it was like we were underwater and her words were all garbled and bubbly, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in another waiting room, and I swear I don’t know how long I sat in there, just staring into the nothingness of nothing.

And at some point, this doctor guy with a really thin, bony face, black hair, and dark tired marks under his eyes, came up and said, “Steven?” and I said, “Yeah,” and he sort of bent down, put his hand on my knee, looked me right in the eyes, and said, “Your mom is okay, for now, but we’re going to have to keep her
here for a little while. You can see her in a bit. Okay, big fella?” and I had questions, tons of them, but they just wouldn’t come out, and so I just nodded and then he smiled and left, and I just kept sitting there like I was a vegetable or something.

And then, Sam, I finally sort of got it together, like my synapses were starting to work again, and I don’t know why but all I wanted to do was get out of that horrible, bright hospital with all the colorful magazines on the side tables and stupid sick people all over the place.

So I did.

I just got up and walked out.

And it was night out, dark and cold, and I wasn’t even wearing a coat, but it didn’t seem to matter, Sam, because I just started walking up the street, and I just walked and walked and walked, and it was like my brain wasn’t letting me think about Ma, as if nothing had happened at all, and there was this strange force protecting me from the whole world, and I know this is going to sound crazy, Sam, but I decided I wanted to go to Judy’s place, even though I knew I probably shouldn’t, because I guess it felt like my only choice.

And I knew I was getting a bit cold, because I had my arms wrapped around my chest and I was walking really quickly, and some guy stopped his car and asked if I wanted a ride and I said no, and I just walked and walked and walked, and the only thing that made me keep on going was trying to imagine I was in the Arctic and that I was that guy Scott Amundsen who went to the North Pole, and I kept on thinking he must have been way colder than I was, and this helped make me just deal with
the cold, and I wasn’t thinking about Ma and I wasn’t thinking about Byron and I wasn’t thinking about you because I just couldn’t and that’s the stupid truth.

And I was getting close to Judy’s and Jenny’s street when I saw the sign for Woodview, the street that Byron said he lived on, and it was like my feet knew before I did that I was going to go to his house, and even though I still had my arms wrapped around me, I wasn’t so cold, which doesn’t make sense but it’s true, and I was walking along Woodview Avenue and the houses were really really big and nice, and I crossed the street to the odd-numbered side because I remembered that Byron lived at number 25.

And when I finally got to his house, I couldn’t believe how massive it was, and it was made of thin stone slabs and had tons of windows and it looked like it was haunted. And I suddenly hoped that Byron was home, even though there was no car in the driveway and the house was really dark except for a sort of dim light through some windows on the left. And I know this might seem crazy but I wanted to look more closely, and so I walked up the curved walkway to his house, which was shoveled carefully and had mounds of snow on either side, and I crept up his front steps, and I saw that the front door had a Christmas wreath on it and a big metal knocker, and I walked up and just stood there, and then after a bit, I put my finger on the knocker—it was freezing cold and it sent a serious serious shiver down my spine.

And I turned and looked around the neighborhood, which was really quiet, and I suddenly worried that someone would see me shivering on the stairs and would think I was a robber
or weirdo or something, so I turned and stepped carefully back down the stairs, and when I reached the last step, something caught my eye in the direction of the windows where the dim light was coming from, and so I looked over and saw someone sitting in the living-room area beyond the windows.

And it was a man, just sitting there in this sofa chair, maybe Byron’s dad, I thought, and he was sitting at an angle so he didn’t see me and all I could see was his profile, which looked just like Byron’s but flabbier, and he had glasses on. And the man was resting a glass of something on the arm of his chair, and the thing is, Sam, I suddenly thought my eyes were playing tricks on me because the man wasn’t moving at all, and I kept on staring and he kept on not moving, and at first I thought maybe he was a mannequin or a statue instead of a person, but then, I looked even closer and even though he still didn’t really move, I suddenly realized it wasn’t a mannequin or a statue, and I got a terrible terrible feeling that rushed through my whole body, and the feeling was that this was a really real person, Byron’s dad, and then I started to see his shoulders sort of raise with his breath.