Last Light over Carolina (19 page)

“Bobby’s death hit us all hard.”

She shrugged. “The indifference grew over time. Our marriage is like a mountain after years of being pounded by waves. Rather than a landslide, it wore down rock by rock.”

“What happened to set you off tonight? Was it because he extended the trip?”

“That was only the tipping point,” she said with resignation. “But it hurt. It felt like he’d made the call more out of duty to the old ball and chain than because he missed me.” She sighed, feeling the heat of tears in her eyes and the hurt billowing up again in her chest. “I lost my temper. But, God, he was so cold. He didn’t care if I was lonely.”

“He’s a jerk.”

“Oh, it’s not all his fault. He probably just wanted to hang up. I’m angry a lot lately,” she admitted. Her lips trembled, and she brought her fingers up to still them. “It hurts, you know? To not feel attractive anymore.”

Lee tightened his arms around her. “You’re a very attractive woman, Carolina. One of the finest I’ve ever known.”

She felt the blood rush to her cheeks, hearing the emotion in his voice. It felt so good to be thought attractive again. Desirable. The air between them thickened. His hand stroking her back dug deeper along her spine. She was heading into dangerous territory. The alcohol swirled in her brain, breaking down her inhibitions.

“You know,” he said softly by her ear. “I’ve often wondered how things would’ve turned out if you’d stayed with me at the dance. I’ve wondered a lot.”

Carolina held her breath. She’d always known Lee had a thing for her, but this was the first time it was presented in words. The next moment seemed to hang between them. Her mind screamed that she should get out of the car now. Her body muffled that warning with a recklessness that was new and exciting and dangerously frightening. She turned her head. His face was a breath away.

“Carolina…”

Their mouths came together so hard she felt bruised. Her head dropped back against the seat as they pressed against one another, clumsy and eager, wrestling on the buttery leather that felt like a bed beneath them. His hands were nimble but they trembled as they dug through her layers of clothing to reach her skin. She gasped when his cold hands touched her warm breasts, then melted as they warmed, caressing her, pressing her farther down on the seat. She closed her eyes and felt her head swimming as he pulled up her sweater and lowered to kiss her breasts, her nipples.

With her eyes closed, she couldn’t help but compare his mouth to Bud’s, his taste, the way he moved. It was all happening as though in a fantasy. He lay over her, one leg between hers, with her arms around him. Bud had complained to her that she was cold, no longer interested in sex. Now she was trembling with desire, matching Lee kiss for kiss. In the heat
of the moment, she heard a soft whimpering she didn’t recognize escape from her throat. Her body felt foreign, like this was happening to someone else, and yet she was responding with a lust that surprised her. But when he unzipped her jeans, she blinked as though waking from a languid stupor; and when his fingers sought her wetness, she sucked in her breath, shocked at the reality of what she was doing.

“No. This isn’t right.”

Lee wrapped his arms tighter around her, and Carolina couldn’t help but wish his firm, slender arms were Bud’s broad, muscled ones. Suddenly Bud was a powerful presence in the confined space, and Carolina felt exposed. She couldn’t go on. This felt so wrong. She wanted Bud, not Lee.

Her body went suddenly cold and she stiffened, putting her hands against his chest. “Stop.”

Lee pulled back and said in a husky voice, “We should go inside.”

“No,” Carolina blurted, and pushed him off. She scooted back on the seat, anxious to create distance between them. With her back against the door, she took deep breaths as she fumbled to pull down her sweater with shaky hands. “How could we do this?” she muttered, more to herself than to him. “How could
I?
”

“I thought you wanted—”

“He was your friend!” The fact that she was his wife, thus the greater sinner, floated in the air between them unsaid.

Carolina sat up in a rush, and with sudden cruelty her world
started spinning off-kilter. She swallowed thickly as nausea rose up in her throat. She slapped her hand to her mouth. “Oh, God, I’m going to be sick.”

“Open the door,” Lee exclaimed, reaching over her in a rush to grab the handle and push the passenger door open. He didn’t want her throwing up in his car.

She held on to the door handle to steady herself as she bent with her head hanging over the driveway. She felt sickened by the drink, but even more sickened by her actions. She wished she could just throw up, vomit out her shame and disgust with the alcohol and leave this whole degrading night in the gutter. But all she could manage was to sit hangdog fashion, ashamed and slumped over, while the roller coaster in her mind careened out of control and crashed.

Lee had come around the car to stand at the door helplessly. When the dizziness subsided and she could look up without the world spinning, she was relieved to see him all zipped and buttoned, respectable again. Anyone walking past would only see Carolina being helped home by an old family friend.

“Let me help you inside,” he offered.

She took a deep breath of the cool air and nodded slightly, afraid to move her head too much lest she start retching again. Once again, Lee took her elbow and helped her to stand on shaky legs. He escorted her in a gentlemanly fashion along the walkway as she took mincing steps to her front door, then waited without speaking while she fumbled in her purse for her keys. She found them at last and handed them to him without looking.

She heard the click of the lock and the creak of the door as it swung open. Lee once again took her arm, but she yanked it away.

“I can do the rest.”

“But…”

She raised her head, feeling each degree of movement, and looked him in the eye. She hated him at that moment for not being as wretchedly sick as she was. “No.”

Lee’s face went still; then she saw a spark of worry in his eyes. “You won’t tell Bud.”

Carolina almost wept right then and there. What a fool she’d been. Instead, she released a short, pitiful laugh. “Good night, Lee.”

He stepped aside to let her pass, handing her the keys.

“Oh, Lee?” she said, stopping abruptly.

Lee paused, looking at her expectantly.

“I quit.”

She saw surprise, then anger, and lastly regret flicker across his face. “It’s not your fault,” she said. “It’s my fault. I don’t want you to think there’s anything between us, but I can’t go back to working with you. You understand, right?”

Lee released a sigh then nodded. “See you around, Carolina.” He turned and walked swiftly down the gravel path and climbed into his blood-red Cadillac. The engine roared to life.

As he pulled away from the house, Carolina leaned back against the doorframe and looked up. The stars shone cold in a black sky, and she remembered reading how stars collapsed into black holes, losing their brilliant light to the vast darkness.

The moon was a pale shadow in a periwinkle sky when Carolina finally left her bathroom and could walk again without feeling the floor rise up beneath her. She’d clung to the porcelain bowl and retched till there was nothing left inside of her, then showered in water so hot it stung her tender skin. But no matter how hard she scrubbed with scented soap, she couldn’t remove the feel of Lee’s hands from her body or the stench of her infidelity.

She combed her hair back from her face, relishing the feel of the teeth gliding down her scalp. Then she wrapped herself in a thick terry robe, pulled socks over her feet, and, grabbing a heavy shawl, made her way downstairs. The floors creaked as she walked to the kitchen. Her stomach was still queasy and her head fuzzy. Carolina poured herself a glass of water and downed two aspirin. Then she took a box of saltines from the pantry and headed out to the back porch to sit in the wicker rocker.

Carolina rocked back and forth for hours, holding her folded legs close and staring into the darkness. She was sober now and had to face what she had done. Through all the ups and downs of her marriage, Carolina had always believed in her vows. But tonight she’d come very close to breaking them.

Carolina rocked, going over in her mind how she could have committed this betrayal. The excuses came too easily. Yes, she’d had too much to drink. Yes, it had been so very long since she’d felt attractive or since someone desired her. She hadn’t picked up some stranger in a bar, she thought, trying to validate her actions. She’d been with
Lee
. In the past few years,
she’d spent more time with Lee than she had with Bud. She’d shared a camaraderie with Lee that she’d lost with Bud.

Even still, she hadn’t meant for it to happen—neither of them had. It had just happened.

Bud was partly to blame, her mind argued. He’d been her husband in name only. And certainly not her lover, at least not with any regularity. He thought she was ambivalent about sex? How could she come to his bed feeling womanly and sensual when she saw her reflection as inadequate in his eyes? For six years, they’d been inseparable on the
Miss Ann
. But it was undeniable that their relationship had irreparably changed in the twenty years since Carolina was docked with Lizzy. The
Miss Carolina
had become
his
boat. In the process, Carolina had lost not only her job. She’d lost her best friend.

And now, perhaps, her husband.

Indifference cut a woman deep. Call it work, call it duty, but in reality, Bud had abandoned her. Year after year. For longer and longer periods. No matter how much he told her they needed the money, no matter what reasons he listed, all she heard him say was that her needs were not as important as his business. Their marriage didn’t matter as much as his ability to captain his boat. The
Miss Carolina
mattered more to him than Carolina.

Her toes pushed against the floor, rocking her back and forth as tears flowed. She heard again Bud’s words on the phone, so cold, so flat:
I’ll get home when I get home
. Did he have any idea how deeply he’d hurt her? His tongue was like a knife dipped in poison that carved out her self-esteem.

Could she forgive Bud if he fooled around? She thought of the burst of passion she’d felt with Lee tonight—the thrill of the new touch, the fresh sensations, the innovative moves. God help her, she’d missed feeling that! Bud must also. Could she forgive him if he did cheat?

She exhaled heavily, knowing that, yes, she could forgive him. She might have answered differently a week earlier, but now in the aftermath of passion she’d discovered that one never fully knew what one might do until it happened.

Carolina stopped rocking and swiped the tears away angrily. She had to be honest with herself. Whatever the excuse, for whatever reason, she had allowed this transgression to occur. In truth, her biggest betrayal tonight was of herself and all she believed in. She knew she didn’t love Lee. She wasn’t sure she loved Bud anymore. She was fairly certain she didn’t love herself. Otherwise, how could she have let this happen?

Who was she?
She didn’t know anymore. There was a time she’d never have let Bud—or any man—take her for granted. She’d felt a self-confidence so radiant it gave her a beauty that had nothing to do with her physical appearance. Men were drawn to her. Women admired her. Her femininity had made her feel potent.

And she’d given that power to Bud lovingly, willingly, and joyfully. She’d worked by his side with a drive and purpose that had sustained her. She’d loved being the crew on Bud’s boat. She took pride in doing the books for his business. She’d tended their home, raised their daughter, supported
their community, helped in their church, volunteered in the Shrimpers Association. If she fell, she picked herself up, knowing too many people depended on her.

Selflessness, sacrifice, and service—these were the time-honored virtues of womanhood. Husband and children first, then yourself. Carolina had lived by this code. She gave of herself from the moment she woke to make her husband’s breakfast until whenever she finished the dinner dishes, the day’s laundry, the take-home work from her job, and whatever other chore needed doing before she collapsed into bed. She hadn’t thought it was possible to give too much.

Carolina stayed on the porch until the faint rays of light pierced the velvety blackness. The saltines were gone, and she shivered, chilled to the bone. She wrapped her shawl tighter around her shoulders. In the light of a new day, Carolina accepted full blame for her actions and dismissed all her weak excuses. She’d reached the bottom. She mourned the loss of that feminine power and beauty that had sustained her for so many years.

As dawn broke, flooding the sky with its maidenly color, Carolina lifted her face to the light. She vowed to begin that day to dig deep within herself to find her inner glow again. She couldn’t blame Bud alone for her unhappiness. It was up to her to rediscover her worth and to claim her own happiness. In the next few days, she’d have to decide what she would do when Bud returned home. She only knew that she couldn’t remain in their marriage the way things were.

September 21, 2008

On board the
Miss Ann

Carolina shivered, feeling the drop in temperature in the galley of the
Miss Ann
. She pushed back her sleeve and looked at her wristwatch, surprised that it was already half past one and her coffee was cold. A milky film floated on the top.

She made her way up on deck. The storm clouds were closer, coloring the sky a leaden gray, whipping up the wind and bringing white tips to the choppy water. She grabbed the edges of her slicker and closed it tightly as she squinted across the length of dock. The space for the
Miss Carolina
was empty.

Carolina shuddered with worry and looked beyond the creek toward the ocean.
Bud, where are you?

Judith came to stand beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “He’ll be all right.”