Last Night at the Blue Angel (35 page)

I shrug.

Go ahead
, she says, sitting up straight, like I'm going to punch her.

I think you're going to hurt Jim. Like the others. And he's going to leave us and then what will we do?

She looks down at my bedspread and tugs at a piece of thread.

We are adults
, she finally says.

I thought you loved David
.

She stands up.
I do but . . . You know
,
darling
,
David is like a strong current and you can swim as hard as you like
,
but you will always end up going his way. We've worked so hard
. She looks down at me.

So you're going to be with Jim now?

We've really always been with Jim
,
haven't we?

You're not going to mess it up?

Her mouth tightens.
I hope not. I really hope not
.

I pull the covers tight around myself, close my eyes, and let myself feel a little bit happy.

CHAPTER 49

J
IM STAYS THE
night and they're both up early. Mother is smiling a lot. Mother smiling makes Jim smile makes me smile.

Before we leave for school, he takes Mother's face in his hand, almost the same as he did in the car two nights before, but this time he kisses her.

Oh
,
brother
, I say, looking away and pretending to be disgusted.

Sister Eye is waiting for me outside school.
I'll take her from here
,
Jim
, she says, and he says thank you and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
What in heaven's name
, she says, touching the place where he kissed her as he walks off.

How's my girl?
Sister says to me.

Fine
.

I've been worrying about you. I tried to call
.

We hold hands while we climb the stairs.
What did you want?

I wanted to tell you that I think your life is too often . . . crazy. Unpredictable. Do you know that word?

I shake my head no.

You never know what's going to happen next
, she says.

You can say that again
.

That's all
, she says.
I see you and I wish it were different
.

L
ater in the week, Mother offers one of her closets to Jim so he can make a darkroom in it. While he's in there nailing a clock to the wall and Mother is getting her makeup on, Big Doug shows up at the door. He asks to speak to Mother alone but she says,
No
,
they're my family
. We all sit down in the living room. A family. Mother offers him a drink but he doesn't want one.

You know why I'm here
, he says to Mother.

She nods.

It's been swell. I'm your biggest fan
,
you know that
.

I know
, says Mother. She puts her hand in Jim's.

Big Doug folds his hands in his lap.
We kept the Angel plugging along for quite a while
,
you and me
.

You found someone new?

He nods.

How much longer do I have?
she asks.

Three more weekends
, he says.
Plenty of time for you to find another gig
.

All right
, says Mother.

Besides
,
you don't want to be stuck in some old joint singing the old songs. You got to get out there! Find your fame!

I had hoped it would find me
, Mother says, standing and extending her hand.
Thank you
,
Douglas. For everything
.

Can't wait to say I knew you when
, he says cheerfully on his way out the door.

After he leaves, Mother and Jim sit on the couch a long time.

It's going to happen for you
, says Jim.
Don't think for one minute that it won't
.

CHAPTER 50

H
ILDA MAKES MOTHER
a new dress for her last performance. When she asks Mother why she would want a new dress for her last show, Mother says,
This is not the end
,
Hilda
.
It's the beginning
.

They argue for what seems like an hour over the sexiness of the dress. Mother keeps saying
more
, Hilda keeps saying
too much
. Mother doesn't want me to see it because she wants me to be surprised along with everybody else.

We've got three weeks
, Mother says.
Will it be ready?

Yes
,
yes
,
yes
, says Hilda, resigned.

W
hen we get back from the fitting there is a note from Jim. He's gone out to take pictures.
Just a few. Back before lunch
.

Let's have a picnic!
she says.

It's a beautiful day, a windows-open kind of day. We do our chores around the apartment, go to the grocery store, and prepare lunch.

Do you have a new job yet?
I ask her.

No
, she says, scrubbing potatoes and glancing at the potato salad recipe in the
Redbook
on the counter.

Are you sad that you only have a few performances left?

Mother raises the potato peeler in the air.
It's funny
,
kitten
,
but I'm not. I'm not sad at all. I have a feeling
,
you see. I can't explain it. I believe it's all going to work out for the best
. She looks down at the recipe in the magazine.
Did we remember to buy an onion?

I hand her the onion. I like working beside her, cooking, thinking about a picnic with Jim in the park, in the sun and wind, just the three of us. A family.

I love you
,
Mom
, I say.

She stops peeling and looks at me.

You do?
she says. Her breathing quickens and all of a sudden she has tears in her eyes.

I nod.
Yup
. She pulls me to her and hugs me with her face against my head.

I love you
,
too. I swear to God I do
, she whispers into my hair, crying just a little.

I
n the end, the potato salad is a pale yellow dry mush. We stare at it. I taste it. It reminds me a little of the papier-mâché mix we made in art. Mother adds salt and some A-1 sauce, tries it again, and winces.

You think we should ring the kitchen?

I think we better
, I say

Well
,
shucks
, she says, staring at the bowl of mush.

I try to stifle my laughter while Mother is on the phone, wrapping the cord around her finger, flirting with the kitchen guys, describing the disaster.
No
,
you should really see it
, she says, laughing,
it's perfectly terrible
. I imagine her telling Jim the whole story when he gets here. And of course Mother will make the story worse, more dramatic. She'll act it out at the picnic maybe, standing barefoot on the blanket, and we'll laugh because this is how she loves us. We know this because we're the ones who know her, Jim and me. We're the ones who understand.

Just in time!
Mother says when a guy from the kitchen brings us potato salad.
You're a lifesaver
. We finish packing the picnic basket and Mother looks at the clock.
Well
,
mister
,
where are you?
she says to herself.

She looks out the window.
It's warm out there today
. She goes into her room and puts on a different dress. I look out the window at the street. I'll be able to spot Jim by his tripod.

An hour passes and then two more.
You know Jim
, says Mother.
He always loses track of time when he's taking photographs
. She takes the blanket out of the basket and spreads it on the living room floor.
I understand this. Same thing happens to me when I'm singing. Whole night just goes by like that
, she says, snapping her fingers.

We have our picnic on the floor.

I'm gonna miss the Blue Angel
, I tell her.

I know
,
sweetie. Me
,
too. Bigger and better things!
she says, raising her sandwich in the air like a toast. We tap our sandwiches together and laugh.

We save plenty for Jim.

After pacing and smoking for a little while, Mother says,
Well
,
I need to be getting ready
. She makes herself some coffee and heads into the bathroom. After she finishes her hair and makeup and changes her clothes, she comes into the living room and puts her hand on my shoulder.
You may as well stay here. He'll be home any minute. Is that all right?

Yes
, I say.

Okay
,
kitten
, she says.
You know what? Even though the day didn't go as planned
,
I sure did enjoy myself. We had a good day
,
didn't we? Just the two of us?

I smile and nod.
You're going to be late. See you later
,
alligator
.

After she's gone, I wander around the apartment. I eat some ice cream out of the carton, turn on the television. First I watch
Flipper
, then I watch
I Dream of Jeannie
. During the show, I look at the door, cross my arms in front of me, and bob my head like Barbara Eden.
Please bring Jim home now
, I say. But he doesn't appear in a poof of smoke. I didn't really think he would. I'm starting to get mad.
You could at least call
.

Mother calls during intermission.
Any word?
she asks.
No
, I say. Sometime during the NBC Saturday-night movie, I fall asleep. When I wake up the apartment is entirely dark except for the television. No Mother yet, no Jim. The news is on. A reporter says,
A portion of the old Chicago Stock Exchange
,
which was in the early stages of demolition
,
has collapsed. No injuries have been reported but citizens are asked to avoid the area until further notice
.

The phone rings and I run for it, already relieved. I know it's Jim. Finally.

Doll
,
it's David
. His voice sounds tight.
Your ma home yet?

No
.

Jim there?

No
.

You alone?

Yes
.

Why are you alone?

David?

Yes?

The news just said that the Stock Exchange building collapsed
.

I saw it
, he says.

I swallow. I feel myself breathing.
Jim . . . Jim went out to take pictures today and he said he'd be right back and he never came back and he never called
.

When was this?

This morning
.

He'll turn up
,
doll. He will. You two photograph every building in town practically. I'm sure he's all right. He's a smart guy. You worry a lot. You really do
.

That's what Jim says
.

Why don't you make sure the door's locked and go to bed
.

Okay
,
David
. I hang up the phone and lie back down on the couch.

CHAPTER 51

W
HEN I WAKE
up, Mother is sitting in the living room, smoking, in the same outfit she was wearing when she left. I can see by her face that she hasn't slept.

She forces herself to smile.
Good morning
,
love
.

Did you hear from him?

She shakes her head no.

Did you see the news—

I know
, she says sharply.
I'm not worried
. She takes a deep breath and touches her eyebrow.
You know
,
he's just so worked up about this
Look
magazine spread that he's not himself
.

Okay
, I say.
What do we do?

I don't know
. She puts out her cigarette and lights another.

We spend the next few hours in silence, walking around the apartment in circles like fish in a tank, avoiding each other. I go from feeling scared to feeling panicked. When the phone rings, we both jump like a gun went off.

Hello
, says Mother.
Yes
,
yes, this is she. Mrs. Piccolo. Nice to meet you
,
too
. She listens.
I don't know where he is either. Yes
,
if I hear anything
,
I'll let you know. Right away. I will
,
ma'am. Please don't be upset
.

She hangs up and steadies herself against the wall.

Who was that?

She shakes her head.

Who was that? Answer me! You have to answer me!

She looks startled.
Jim's mother. In New York. She said he calls her every Sunday morning at ten
A.M
. No matter what. He didn't call this morning. He's never missed a Sunday. I didn't even know she was alive
. She laughs a little bit.
There's so much I don't even know about him
.

She stands up straight.
Go put your shoes on
.

I can't move.

Go!
she shouts.

A
s we get closer to the Stock Exchange the traffic becomes more and more congested. While we are stopped at a long light, Mother just gets out of the cab and starts walking. I run after her. What is left of the Stock Exchange is hugged in dust. We keep walking until we run into the sawhorses that have been set up around the sidewalk to keep people from getting too close. Cars are parked haphazardly in the street.

Mother tries to get close but a guy in a hard hat stops her.
Sorry
,
ma'am
.

Excuse me
, she says,
please let me pass
.

I can't do that
,
ma'am
.

She straightens.
I believe my . . . There may be a person in that building
, she says, her voice shaking.