Late Night Shopping: (43 page)

'The swing over the pool?' Dinah asked.

'Is there another one?'

'The naked swing? The one we watched the naked old ladies swing on?'

'Oh yes!'

Annie screamed as she launched, tits flying, off the swing and into the freezing cold pool. When her head surfaced, she urged Dinah on with the words, 'You've got to do it . . . free yourself!'

Dinah dropped her towel.

Dinah's party outfit:

Sleeveless silver dress with crystals and
sequins (Monsoon)
Silver and blue sensational shoes (Timi Woo)
Leggings and underwear (still under discussion)
Total est. cost: £90 . . . well the shoes were a gift.

'You have to give me my present!'

'No, Dinah!' Annie just about snatched the offending item out of her hands, 'You can't wear leggings!'

'Why not?' Dinah demanded.

They were in Annie's bedroom – well, obviously Annie and Ed's bedroom, but clearly currently Annie's – getting ready for the Big Surprise. In another twenty minutes or so the taxi would be here. The hair was done, the makeup was on, now it was time to get dressed. Quickly.

'Because leggings are not sexy,' Annie said slowly, as if speaking to a child. 'No man will ever, ever fancy you in leggings. Men our age are confused by leggings. They think: tights with no feet, they wonder why you didn't put your trousers on . . . they see gym teachers and Jane Fonda and all sorts of disastrous dates they'd rather not remember from the eighties.

'Dinah, on your tenth wedding anniversary, you wear stockings! I mean it's like your wedding night, right? Tonight is
guaranteed
sex. There is guaranteed lovemaking at the end of the night for you and Bryan. You're all smooth and delicious down there,' she quirked an eyebrow, 'so you wear stockings to frame the painting. Don't worry, I have some,' she added. 'I've not had much use for them lately.'

'Annie, I think we're past stockings,' Dinah protested. 'I mean we still do it if I'm wearing a thermal vest and tartan pyjama bottoms. And suspenders are so uncomfortable.'

'Yeah, but tonight is special! Hold-ups then?' Annie offered. 'Please! You should make the extra effort. I know I would.'

'Annie you're wearing tummy-tuck tights!' Dinah pointed out.

'Yeah, but I'm as good as single,' came Annie's reply, 'it doesn't matter how I look under my clothes, only how I look in them. Anyway, I'm trying to squeeze into my Valentino from three years ago. There's no way I can pull that off without the tummy-tuckers. Make that, there's no chance of pulling it on without the tummy-tuckers.'

'The Valentino?' Dinah sounded impressed. 'That is a very, very nice dress, but Annie . . .' her voice was almost quite stern now, 'in no way are you single. You shouldn't say it and you shouldn't even think it. You'll have to try and find some time with Ed tonight or more likely tomorrow to iron things out and make up. You two have to get over this, or else I'm going to lock you both in a room together until you've worked out that you're the most stubborn pair of idiots I have ever known!'

Rattled by this outburst from her sister, Annie could only think to say, 'Right then, I'm not going to give you your present!'

'Yes!' Dinah pleaded, 'you have to give me my present. You always give the best presents. Do you really have a present for me? For today? That's very, very nice of you. Please, Annie! C'mon we have to hurry up, Mum will have just about driven our children insane by now.'

'Especially if she's been making comments about Lana's hair or Lana's outfit or anything to do with Lana at all. I warned them both,' Annie told her, inching herself slowly into the red Valentino and breathing in deeply as she edged up the zip.

'Present!' Dinah reminded her and Annie went out of the bedroom, instructing Dinah to wait there.

When she returned a few minutes later, she was holding a pair of Timi Woos in each hand.

The silver ones with navy blue trim she handed to Dinah saying, 'You like? They will be fantastic with your dress.'

For a moment, Dinah was about to say: '
With this dress?
Tonight? No, no, I have a pair of pink kitten heels which I was
going to wear . . . along with my leggings
.' But then she thought better of it.

'Thank you! They are gorgeous. Oh thank you!' she said instead and gave Annie a hug.

'Are those for you?' Dinah pointed to the gold and red pair in Annie's other hand.

'Oh yeah,' Annie confirmed, sliding them onto her feet then doing up the strap. The simple, draped but very shaped, strapless red evening dress, set off with the tummy-tuckers, a pair of silicone chicken fillets tucked into her bra, the Timi Woos, Chanel pillar box red lipstick and her tightest blondest ponytail, was – even if she had to say so herself – a knockout look.

'Check it out!' she said more to herself than to Dinah as she gave herself a final once-over in the mirror.

Plus, if she wore the shoes very gently and gave them a thorough polish up afterwards she could sell them on again as nearly new. Used Timi Woos were already popping up on eBay, slightly worn, within weeks of her first sales.

She did genuinely have the feeling that she was on to something here. They were going to be huge! It was high time she had a proper conversation with Mr Woo and signed up some exclusive rights for her 'esteemed corporation'.

To Dinah she said, 'If Nic had been able to drag her fragile pregnant self along to the party tonight, I'd have given her a pair too. Then we could have all matched . . .'

'And done a dance routine,' Dinah joked.

'Oh God, do you remember when the three of us sang "By the Rivers of Babylon" at Mike's wedding?'

'NO!' Dinah screamed. 'Never, ever remind me of that. EVER!'

'Maybe Bryan's got a karaoke machine for tonight?'

Party Ed:

White shirt, severely ironed (M&S)
Dinner suit, freshly cleaned (second-hand)
Tie-up bow-tie, properly tied (second-hand)
Black shoes, polished to a shine (cupboard)
Silver cufflinks (his mum)
New haircut (Toni & Guy)
Aftershave (Italian BTW)
Guitar and violin (own)
Total est. cost: in denial

'Have you any idea how much they charge?'

'OK, my girl, here we go,' Annie said as their taxi drew up at the front of the Parkes Hotel. 'Good luck!' she added, 'Break a leg and all that. And just remember to look really, really surprised. Or Bryan's going to like me even less than he already does.'

'Bryan does like you!' Dinah hissed.

'And stop looking so nervous!' Annie insisted.

* * *

As she'd been instructed, Annie told the woman on reception that they were here for a family dinner, and gave Bryan's name.

'Oh yes, it's straight up the stairs and into the function room on the left hand side. I hope you enjoy your evening.'

Dinah wobbled ever so slightly in the Timi Woos. They were an inch or so higher than her normal heel but she was getting the hang of them and anyway, Annie couldn't help thinking, taking a long sideways look at her, it was worth it. She looked delicious.

'You're looking hot, baby,' Annie told her, to make her smile. 'You know what Connor's going to whisper in your ear as soon as he sees you?'

'Something typically filthy.'

'Yeah, he's going to say . . .' Annie's voice dropped low as she prepared to give her best Connor impression, 'Baby, Bryan just came in his pants.'

'Annie!' Dinah turned to look at her with a mock-scandalized expression, which meant her eye was off the door just as Annie threw it open. So she really did look quite genuinely shocked as sixty people shouted out at her, 'SURPRISE!'

The first twenty minutes of party flurry passed quickly for both sisters. They whirled from guest to guest, kissing everyone hello, hugging, chatting, laughing, joking.

Annie spotted Hector and Connor in matching kilt outfits, manning clipboards and party planner walkie-talkies, which made her crease up with laughter.

'Connor said it,' Dinah told her, when their paths crossed for a second in the whirl.

'I know him too well,' Annie told her, 'Oh, Billie is beautiful!' she added, spotting Billie in a purple velvet dress, accessorized with purple ballet shoes and another Billie touch of genius, fluffy purple deely boppers.

Annie was of course blindingly proud of her own children. Owen in a white shirt, black trousers and – at his own insistence – a black bow-tie. His fringe had been slicked oddly to the side, which he thought was incredibly cool. To Annie he looked alarmingly like a baby Donny Osmond, but she'd already decided to say nothing.

Lana was in frivolous, vivacious and terrifyingly flammable fuchsia pink and avoiding her slightly. She was on the arm of Andrei and both were terrified that Annie might have something incredibly tactless to say to him along the lines of: 'Cheat on my daughter?! Never darken my doorstep again.'

'Annie! Hello, lovely to see you and thanks for all your help with tonight.' Ah! She and Bryan were going to have to do their awkward kiss greeting, pretending they were delighted to see each other again.

'Oh, you're very welcome,' she said, bumping her left cheek against his. And then the right. They looked at each other and struggled for something else to say.

Bryan was thin, balding and, Annie thought (not for the first time), just incredibly bland looking. He was in a white dinner jacket, which made him look like the head waiter and his tiny, frameless glasses made his entire eye socket looked glazed. Annie had decided long ago that he must have many, many hidden qualities which only Dinah fully appreciated.

'Well . . . time to kick off, I think,' Bryan said, looking at his watch and shooting her a parting smile. As he turned and walked away from her, Annie's heart gave a little leap of surprise, because there, standing hesitantly at the doorway, was Ed.

The longer she looked, the more trouble she could see Ed had gone to. He'd ironed his shirt, he'd acquired a dark and very dapper suit from somewhere. He'd tied on a bow-tie, his shoes were gleaming. He'd even brushed, no, definitely
cut
his hair. It was a long time since she'd seen him look so well groomed . . . or just groomed in any way at all, to be honest. And he looked great.

Before Annie had even caught his eye, Owen, violin in hand, was beside him. Ah! Of course, they were going to perform their music together.

Bryan called the crowd to attention and urged everyone to top up their drinks and move over to the semicircle of chairs.

'You don't think this is going to be too New Age, do you?' Fern slipped her arm into Annie's as they headed over. 'I'm just getting to that age where too much mushy sincerity is going to make me snort my G&T out of my nose.'

'You're a grumpy old git, you mean?' Annie asked.

'Well . . . maybe. They're happy enough though, aren't they? Dinah and—'

'Baldy? I think so. Don't think you need to worry about them. Pale pink really suits you, Mum,' Annie added. 'Matches your hair. What is going on with your colourist?'

'Don't be so cheeky!' Fern hissed at her as everyone settled into their seats and Owen and Ed struck up their melody.