Laughing Gas (30 page)

'She was fired yesterday.'

'By Jove, she does keep getting fired, doesn't she? It's what I always say. What's the use of getting jobs? You only lose them.'

The Cooley child, who had been standing frowning thoughtfully and scratching his chin with the handle of the frying-pan, now spoke.

'Here's a suggestion, boys. May be nothing in it, but we're all working for the good of the show. Why don't
you
marry Ann?'

I quivered.

'Who, me?'

'Yay. You told me you loved her.' 'Does he? Well, that's fine,' said Eggy. 'Swell,' said the child. 'Couldn't be better.' At this point, they appeared to notice t
hat I was ha-ha-
ing hollowly.

'What's the matter?' asked Eggy. 'Ann wouldn't look at me.' 'Of course she would.'

'Sure she would,' said the child. 'He's an Oil,' he added to Eggy.

'I know he's an Oil. And the type of Oil of which England is justly proud.'

'Any dame would like to marry an Oil.'

'I cannot conceive anything more calculated to buck the average dame up like a week at Skegness,' assented Eggy heartily.

They seemed to have got it all reasoned out between them, but I still shook my head.

'She wouldn't look at me,' I repeated. 'I'm the very last chap in the world she would dream of marrying.'

The Cooley half-portion addressed Eggy in what I imagine he intended to be a confidential whisper. It sounded like somebody calling coals.

'He's thinking of his face.'

'Oh?' said Eggy. 'Oh, ah, yes, of course. Yes, to be sure.' He coughed. 'I wouldn't worry about your face, Reggie,' he said. 'I can assure you that from certain angles - in certain lights - what I mean is, there's a sort of rugged honesty
...'

'What does a fellow's face matter, anyway?' said Joey Cooley. 'Exactly.'

'Looks don't mean a thing. Didn't Frankenstein get married?'

'Did he?' said Eggy. 'I don't know. I never met him. Harrow' man, I expect.'

'It's the strong, passionate stuff that counts,' said the Cooley child. 'All you got to do is get tough. Walk straight up to her and grab her by the wrist and glare into her eyes and make your chest heave.'

'Exactly.'

'And snarl.'

'And, of course, snarl,' said Eggy. 'Though when you say "snarl" you mean, I take it, not just make a noise like a Pekingese surprised while eating cake, but add some appropriate remark?'

'Sure. Like "Sa-a-ay, listen, baby
I
" If he does that, she'll fall.'

'Then we'll leave you to it, Reggie. The only thing that remains is to find her. Does anybody know where she would be at this hour?'

'She'll be right back any moment now.'

'Then all is well,' said Eggy. 'You just potter about and brush up your snarling, old man, while I repair to the kitchen with young Goldilocks here and show him how to cook a sausage which his astral body will appreciate. Are you with me, kid?'

'I'm in front of you, buddy. Let's go.'

They moved off in the direction of the kitchen, and I wandered up the lane again and stood staring dumbly down the road. And presently I saw a car coming along, with Ann at the wheel.

I stepped out into the road, and she shoved the brakes on with a startled yip.

Chapter 29

'R
eggie
! ' she cried.

Surprised to see me, of course. I don't blame her. Probably the last fellow she had anticipated barging into.

'Reggie'.'

'Hullo, Ann,' I said.

She got slowly down and gave me the astonished eye. Her face had gone a bit pink, and then it had gone a bit pale, and now it had started going pink again. What mine was doing over this period, I can't say. No doubt looking perfectly foul.

There was a long silence. Then she said:

'You've shaved your moustache.'

'Yes.'

There was another long silence. I gazed at her in the sort of agonized, hopeless way young Joey Cooley would have gazed at a sausage if there had been an insurmountable barrier between him and it. Because I knew I hadn't a chance. All those things she had said to me at Cannes two years ago, when severing our relations, came back to me. No girl was going to take on a chap who answered to the description she had given of me in those few tense moments immediately following the impact of my lighted cigar on the back of her neck.

She started speaking again.

'Whatever —' she began, and I think she was going to add 'are you doing here?' but she stopped. A chilliness came into her manner. 'If you have come bleating after April June, she left long ago. You will probably find her at her home.'

I was definitely incensed.

'I did not come bleating after April June.'

'Really?'

'It is not my practice to bleat after the lady you mention.'

'Oh, but surely? The story going the round of the clubs —'

'Curse the clubs and blast the story that's going round them.' I laughed another of my hard ones. 'April Junel' I said.

'Why do you say "April June" like that?'

'Because it's the only way to say it. April June is a pill.'

'What!*

'Slice her where you like, she's still boloney.' She raised a couple of eyebrows. 'Reggie! The woman you love?' 'I don't love her.' 'But I thought—'

'I dare say you did. But I don't. Whole story much exaggerated.'

I was pretty shirty. Enough to make a chap fly off the handle a bit, all this rot about my loving April June. There was only one girl I loved - or, as I could see now, ever had loved. The above Ann, to wit.

For the first time since this spot of conversation had started, she smiled.

'Well, your words are music to my ears, Reggie, but you can't blame me for being a little surprised. After the way you were raving about her two days ago —'

'Much can happen in two days.'

'Don't I know it! What did happen?'

'Never mind.'

'I merely asked. Well, thank goodness you've seen through her. That's off my mind.' I shook a trifle, and my voice became a bit throaty. 'Were you worried about me, Ann?' 'Of course I was worried about you.' 'Ann!'

'I would have been worried about anybody who was thinking of getting married to April June.' 'Oh?' I said, a bit damped, and silence fell again.

She looked down the road, 'I'm expecting a car,' she said. I nodded. «I know.' 'Clairvoyant?'

'No. I've been talking to the Cooley kid.' 'What! But you don't know Joey Cooley?' I nearly laughed when she said that. 'Yes, I've met him.' 'When? Where?'

'We were having mutual teeth out that day, and we fraternized in the Zizzbaum-Burwash waiting-room.'

'Oh, I see. And you've been talking to him now? Reggie, you haven't explained yet. How on earth do you happen to be here like this? I took it for granted that you had come after April June, but you say —'

I had to do a bit of quick thinking.

'I just chanced to be out for a ride on my motor bicycle and saw him and stopped to pass the time of day.'

'You mean he was out here in the road?'

'Yes.'

She looked anxious.

'I hope he's not roaming about all over the countryside. He ought to have stayed in the house till I got back.' 'He is in the house now. He's in the kitchen with Eggy.' 'Eggy! Eggy's not here?'

'Yes. He came to spend the day with some pals of his who own the house.'

'I see. It sounded like a miracle at first. Have you been talking to him?'

'Yes.'

She looked down and slid her foot about on the concrete road. Her air was that of one who would have kicked a stone, if there had been a stone to kick.

'Did he tell you —?*

'Yes.'

'Oh, so you know about that, too?' She laughed, though not too bobbishly. 'Well, you were right just now when you said that much can happen in two days, Reggie. Since I saw you at that party, I've broken my engagement and lost a couple of jobs.'

'So I hear.' I hesitated. 'You're a bit up against it, Ann, aren't you?'

'Yes, a little.'

'Any money?'

'Not much.'

'And no job in prospect?' 'Not a very dazzling one, anyway.' 'What are you going to do?' 'Oh, I'll be all right.'

I passed a finger round the inside of my collar. Something told me it was no good, but I had a pop at it. 'You wouldn't consider marrying me, would you?' 'No.'

'I thought not,' 'Why?'

'Oh, I just thought you wouldn't.'

'Well, you were right. I don't like charity.'

'What do you mean, charity?'

'I mean what you are offering me. "Cophetua swore a royal oath
- 'This beggar maid shall be m
y queen.' " If I'd been there I'd have said: "Oh, yeah?" '

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Oh, yes, you do, Reggie. You haven't changed. I told you
,
you had a heart of gold, and you're just the same sweet old thing you always were. You're sorry for me.'

'Nothing of the kind.'

'Oh, yes. And don't think I don't appreciate it. It's dear of you, and just like you. But the pride of the Bannisters is something frightful. No, I won't marry you, Reggie - bless you all the same and thanks for asking me.'

She gave herself a little shake, like a dog coming out of a pond. It was as if she were chucking off her all this rot of
marrying me. 'Well, that's that!
' the shake seemed to say.

She turned to other topics.

'Did you say Joey was in the kitchen?'

'He was heading that way when I saw him last.'

'I'd better go and tell him there will be some delay before his car arrives, or he may be worrying. Not that I can imagine anything capable of worrying young Joseph. I wouldn't call him a neurotic child. I'm hiring a car to take him back to his Ohio home, you see, because he has got to get out of these parts quick. Did you read the paper this morning? That interview?'

'Oh, yes.'

'It will finish him on the screen, poor mite.' 'He doesn't seem to mind that much.' 'I'm glad.'

'In fact, he's thoroughly bucked. He wants to get back to his mother. She cooks fried chicken, southern style.'

'I know. He's often told me about it. Well, he can start as soon as the car comes. The garage people are tuning it up.' She gave a little sigh. 'I shall miss old Joseph. It's a nuisance when people go out of your life, isn't it?'

'And when they come back, what?'

She gave me a queer look.

'Well, it's
...
upsetting sometimes. Funny our meeting again like this, Reggie.' 'Dashed droll.'

'I didn't mean quite that—Well, good-bye.'

She broke off rather abruptly and shoved her hand out. And here, of course, if I had wanted to, was an admirable opportunity of grabbing her wrist and glaring into her eyes and making my chest heave, as the Cooley kid had advised. But I let it go. Quite possibly he was right in claiming that this procedure would bring home the bacon - nobody could say he was not an intelligent child - but I gave it a miss. A ghastly, dull, grey, hopeless sort of feeling had come over me.

'Good-bye,' I said.

She uttered a little choking cry.

'Reggie!'

She was staring at m
e, her breath coming jerkily. I
couldn't imagine why. I squinted down at my waistcoat. It seemed all right. I took a look at my legs. The trousers seemed all right. So did the socks. And the shoes.

'Reggie! What is that on your head?'

Well, it wasn't my hat, because I hadn't got one on. I put up my hand and felt.

'Why, hullo!' I said. 'Blood, by Jove!'

She was pointing at the ditch. A bit on the distraught side it seemed to me.

'What is that?'

I took a dekko.

'Oh, that? That's what's left of a motor-bicyle.' 'Yours?'

'Well, I was riding on it.' 'You - you had an accident?' 'A bit of a spill, yes.'

A sort of greenish pallor had spread over her map. Her eyes were goggling, and she was having trouble with the vocal cords. She clucked like a hen and came groping at me with her hands out in a blind sort of way.

'Oh, Reggie, darling! You might have been killed, Reggie darling! You might have been killed! You might have been killed
!'

And here she buried her face in her hands and broke into what I believe are called uncontrollable sobs.

I was stunned - (a) by her words, (b) by her behaviour. Neither seemed, as it were, to check up with her recent attitude.

'Did you say "Darling"?' I said, groping.

She raised her face. It was still greenish, but her eyes were shining like . . . well, more like twin stars than anything I can think of.