Lauren Ipsum: A Story About Computer Science and Other Improbable Things (7 page)

The first thing Laurie tried to do in Probability was buy a muffin, but her strange money
wasn’t any good. Nobody wanted her “Quarter Dollars.” Nobody wanted any
algorithms, either.

“Message for you!” A red daemon carrying a mailbag appeared out of nowhere on the
street.

“For me?” Laurie said.

“You don’t see me talking to anyone else, do you?”

The daemon handed Laurie an envelope and walked away, and once the note was out of the
envelope, Xor made short work of the gibberish in Colonel Trapp’s latest message. This one was
shorter and more useful than the last.

After reading the Colonel’s suggestion, Laurie remembered a building she’d walked
past earlier: the Fair Coin Savings & Loan. She rushed back there and stepped inside to find it
looked just like banks back home.

“Why are we at a bank?” asked Xor.

“Because I’m getting hungry. It’s almost dinner time.”

“Finally. But you can’t eat money!”

“I can’t spend my money either, which means no food. Fair Coins are all anyone
takes around here!”

Laurie walked up to the teller window and put everything money-like she had on the counter: a
few dollar bills, three quarters, a penny, a dime, and her lucky poker chip.

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Yes?” The teller was a tall, thin man with round glasses. A little card said his
name was Trent Escrow.

“I’m from a foreign country and I want to know what these are worth.”

“Hmm! I’ve never seen these coins before! And what are these fancy little pieces
of paper supposed to be?”

“That’s money, too. One dollar,” Laurie said.

“Money made of
paper
,” Trent said. “How strange! They
are very pretty, but I’m sorry to say they are worthless here.”

“Oh no, really? Why?”

“You can’t flip a piece of
paper
fifty-fifty, now can you?
But these coins are remarkable,” he said, examining the poker chip carefully and flipping it a
few times.

“Are
they
worth anything?”

“Well, they look pretty balanced to me. But they aren’t certified Fair, so no one
will take them at face value.”

“Tinker said the same thing, but I don’t understand,” said Laurie.
“Where I come from, you can flip quarters fifty-fifty, no problem.”

“Ah, but one side might be a
little
different from the
other,” Trent said, “so it might not be exactly even.”

“Really?”

“Surely. The unfairness shows up better if you spin the coin instead of flipping it.
That’s how we test all of our Fair Coins.”

“So my coins are worthless too?”

“Not quite. I can give you an exchange rate: two of your coins for one Fair
Coin.”

“Why two to one?” she asked.

“Good question!” Trent said. “Most people don’t know this, but
it’s possible to get absolutely Fair flips out of even the most unfair coin.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Here, let me show you.” Trent reached into his drawer and handed her a large,
heavy coin. “This is a fake Fair Coin. It looks just like a real one, doesn’t it? But
it’s easy to tell it’s fake because it comes up Heads a lot more than
Tails.”

“So how do you get a fair flip?” Laurie asked.

“Just flip it twice. If you get Heads-Tails, use Heads as your answer. If it comes up
Tails-Heads, use Tails as your answer. If you get Heads-Heads or Tails-Tails, just start
over.”

“Oh, I see. The unfairness cancels itself out!”

“Right you are. No matter how unfair a coin is, the odds of getting Heads then Tails
will always be
exactly
the same as getting Tails then Heads.”

Trent Escrow solemnly exchanged Laurie’s five coins and lucky poker chip for three Fair
Coins.

“And that’s why the rate is two to one.”

“Thank you!” Laurie rushed outside to catch the baker before he closed.
Dinner!

As Laurie ran out of the bank, a fat policeman grabbed her by the collar. “Got
you!” he said. “Why are you running? Did you rob the bank, too?”

“What? Who are you? Let me go!” Laurie yelled.

“I’m Officer Custody, and
you
are in big trouble,” the
policeman said. “Lauren Ipsum,
if
that is your real name, I arrest you on
charges!”

“What charges? What are you talking about?”

“That doesn’t matter!” Custody shouted in Laurie’s ear, shaking her
around. “Charges!”

“Ow! But
what
charges?” Laurie repeated. The officer’s
hold on her was painful. People on the street were starting to point and stare. If there ever were a
time Laurie wished she could disappear like a Steganosaurus, it was now!

“You’re going to be difficult? Let’s do it nice and proper, if you
insist!” Custody took out a roll of paper and cleared his throat.

“Lauren Ipsum, you are hereby under arrest for Attempted Mythology, Counterfeiting Fair
Coins,
two
counts of Impersonating a Composer, Hacking in the Third Degree, and
Miscellaneous Mopery with Intent to Creep!”

“Let me go! You’re the creep!” Laurie tried to twist away, but his grip was
too strong. Just then, a shout rang out from the crowd.

“
Hey, Custody! Why are you beating up on little
girls?
”

A tough-looking woman stepped forward to confront the policeman. She wore big boots, black
gloves, and an eyepatch in the shape of a heart.

“This isn’t a girl, Losesome. This is a dangerous criminal! She broke through our
perimeter security,” Custody said.

“You mean Jane, that little old lady at the gate?” the woman asked.

“Officer Hecate, yes!”

“Come on, Custody. Jane isn’t hard to fool. Last week I told her I was Santa
Claus.” People in the crowd chuckled.

“That’s beside—”

“And what the heck is ‘Attempted Mythology’?” the woman interrupted.
“I think you just made that up.”

“What? I—”

“How do you even know you have the right person?”

“She matches the description!” Custody insisted.

“Really? She doesn’t look like Santa Claus to me!”

“
No
,” he said. “She matches the description of the
hacker who came through this afternoon!”

“So you are saying a child was able to get through all of your super-duper
security?” the woman said, arching an eyebrow skeptically.

“Well—”

“Anyway, this girl is my assistant.”

By now Custody was thoroughly confused. “This little . . . she works for
you
?”

“Of course. She’s helping me test the security of this place. And if a
child
can run circles around you . . .” She shook her head.
“Let’s just say, it doesn’t look good.”

“But you’re—”

The woman said nothing. She only smiled, showing a lot of teeth.

Custody was suddenly sweating. He let go of Laurie and pulled out a handkerchief.

“Hey, now, it was an honest mistake! I didn’t know she worked for the
Col—um, you.”

“Well, now you do. And now we’re leaving. Come on, Laurel.” The woman took
Laurie by the arm and walked away, head held high.

“Let’s just walk away slowly,” the woman whispered. “When we turn the
corner, try to make it to the marina before Custody starts using his brain instead of his
mouth.”

As soon as they were out of Custody’s sight, they broke into a run.

“That was great! But my name is Laurie, not Laurel.”

“Close enough. I’m Winsome Losesome.”

“It’s nice to meet you! Thank you for helping me! I didn’t mean to cause
trouble.”

“Don’t mention it. I was leaving town anyway. And I really don’t like that
guy. He’s a dumb bully.”

At the marina, Winsome jumped aboard a boat and went to work getting it ready to depart.
“Come on! Hop on,” she called to Laurie.

“Whose boat is this, Winsome?”

“It’s my boat, the
Doppelganger
. Get that other rope for me,
would you?”

“Wow, how did you get a boat? Are you a pirate?”

“I’m a lot of things, girl.” Winsome said. “As for the boat, I kind of
stole it. But I stole it honestly!”

“How can you steal something
honestly
?” Laurie was afraid
that she was getting into even more trouble.

“I used to be a deckhand on this boat,” she said. “The Boss made me do all
of the dirty work. ‘Losesome, replace the main mast!’ he’d say. ‘Put a new
rigger on the widdershins!’”

Winsome unfurled the sail.

“But secretly, I was saving all the old parts I replaced. They were going to the trash
anyway, so might as well keep them, right? Once I collected enough pieces, I quit, and then I put
them back together into a boat. Boss never found out, either! The boat he has is all replacement
parts. A copy. I have the
real
one.”

“But—” Laurie began.

“Think about it later, sweetie? We’re busy running from the Law.”

Winsome had a point. Laurie untied the rope, and they cast off into the moonless night.

The
Doppelganger
sailed out of Probability Bay and far away from
Laurie’s troubles. She risked a peek over the side of the boat and caught a beautiful
surprise.

“Winsome! Look at that!”

In the wake of the boat, glowing sparkles lit up the water. Blue and green curlicues danced
behind them as the waves fanned out.

“Oh, yeah. Those are called gliders. Pretty, aren’t they?”

“They’re beautiful! What makes them glow?” Laurie asked.

“When you stir up the water, they glow and form patterns. You can only see them on a
dark night like this.”

“Wow! I’ve never seen anything like this!”

“Want to see something
really
cool?” Winsome dipped a shallow
pan into the water and set it on a bench. After it settled down, she traced a little figure in the
water.

The glowing dots came alive and wiggled around the pan a few times before fading away.

“How do they move like that?” Laurie asked. “Are they really
alive?”

“I don’t think so. It’s just a pattern that looks alive. There are supposed
to be some rules about how the glow moves around, but I never paid attention. Maybe you can figure
it out.”

Winsome went back to minding the ship’s wheel. Laurie played with making more gliders,
pretty waves, and curls. Xor tried to bite the glowing squiggles as they wriggled by, but all he
caught was a mouthful of water.

Laurie got good at finding patterns that skittered through the water for longer and longer,
but eventually, she grew restless.

“Winsome, where are we going?”

“We’re headed for Abstract Island,” Winsome replied. “I have some
deliveries to make. We should get there by morning.”

“Abstract Island? That isn’t on my map,” Laurie said.

“I bet a lot of things aren’t on your map, girl.”

“You mean the map is not the territory?”

“Eh? Who told you that?” Winsome asked.

“Colonel Trapp. He sent me a really strange letter.”

“Oh,
him
.”

“Do you know Colonel Trapp?”

“He’s a crazy old man,” Winsome said. “Always messing around in other
people’s business. Sending those rude daemons with his stupid secret messages.”

“The secret messages were fun. Xor figured out how to—”

“Be careful with the Colonel, Laurie. I’m pretty sure he was the one trying to get
you thrown in jail.”

“Who is he?” Laurie asked.

“He’s my—he was my boss,” said Winsome. “This was his mail boat.
Until I copied it. We . . . disagree about how to do business, so I struck out on my
own.”

“You had a fight with him?”

“Well, yes,” Winsome said.

“What did you fight about?”

“He wants things to stay just the way they are. I . . . don’t.”

“Oh,” said Laurie. Something about Winsome’s voice told Laurie not to ask
her more about the fight. They were quiet for a time, watching the sky and water.

“The Colonel’s right about one thing,” Winsome said softly.

“What’s that?”

“A map is just a picture. It’s not the real thing. If someone forgets to put
Abstract Island on a map, the Island still exists. It doesn’t care what you
know.”

“No one in Userland said anything about islands,” Laurie said.

“The people back there don’t know much about the world outside. That’s the
way the Colonel likes it. Userland is an island. It’s a whole world of islands.”

Laurie didn’t like what she was hearing. “But Winsome, I have to follow my map to
get back home.”

“Do you?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

“That’s what everyone told me to do,” Laurie said.

“That’s not a good enough reason,” Winsome said.

“It isn’t?” People told Laurie what to do all the time. She didn’t
always do what they said, of course, but she usually felt bad about it.

“No! You should always know
why
you are doing something,”
said Winsome, “and not just because someone told you to do it. Keep your head on and be
flexible, girl. Otherwise, you’re like those little gliders, going wherever people send
you.”

“But Tinker said—”

“Forget Tinker for a minute,” Winsome said. “How did you get lost in the
first place?”

“I had a fight with my mom,” Laurie said. “Mom wants me to go to school over
the summer, but I don’t even need to!”

“Maybe summer school is a good thing. I heard that kids in other
countries—”

“I don’t care! I don’t want to waste the whole summer in school with people
I don’t even know!”

“Okay, that’s fair. So then what happened?”

“I took a walk in the woods to calm down a little, but I was so mad that I forgot to
watch where I was going, and I got lost, and I spent a long time walking in circles,” said
Laurie, her eyes filling with tears. “Then I was attacked by those Jargon things, and I ran
and ran until I came here, but then I made a Jargon myself because I didn’t know the rules,
and no one here has even heard of Hamilton, or dollars, or anything! And I don’t understand
why I need a password, and now I’m going to an island that’s not even on the map
and—”

“Hey, slow down—” Winsome said.

“—now I’m lost all over again and . . . and . . .” Laurie started
sobbing.

“Wait, don’t, oh man . . .”

Winsome knew how to handle the nastiest people you’d never want to meet, but a crying
girl was something else. She gave Laurie an awkward hug until the noise stopped.

“You done?”

“Yeah.” Laurie sniffled.

“Good. I thought you were going to sink the boat,” said Winsome. “Why
don’t you go below and get some rest? And think about something before you fall
asleep.”

“Think about what?”

“Making your own map.”