Law and Peace (21 page)

Then Slippery whispered from behind, ‘Ouch. Clip-ons. That's them done for with this judge.'

‘What?' I whispered back.

‘I've seen this judge take against an expert in the past merely because he didn't have double cuffs. Heaven forbid that he'd have clip-on rather than button-on braces.'

Incredibly, after the build-up and the various adjournments, that was exactly how it was decided. TopFirst stropped off in a sulk as soon as the judge had left the court but our expert asked Slippery and me whether he might have a confidential word before we left.

When we had crowded into one of the little consultation rooms he looked at us a little nervously and said, ‘I'm not sure if I should say something but word has it on the expert-witness grapevine, such as it is, that there are a few experts who have recently joined together and are literally charging clients to reproduce reports which those clients have in fact ghostwritten themselves. I know there's always been the odd rogue but this time it's more organised and explicit. The client pays and the expert says what the client wants him to say. Simple as.'

‘Oh,' I said.

‘The thing is, the expert your opponent was using today is one of those I've heard is involved.'

Slippery and I looked at each other, both seeing what this might imply. As soon as we had thanked our expert and let him leave, Slippery said, ‘Well, well, BabyB. I think we'd better start investigating the other side's experts a little more closely in the Moldy litigation.'

 

 

Friday 4 April 2008

Year 2 (week 27): Gotcha!

 

Received some worrying photos in the post today. They have me getting into a taxi with WhistleBlower and then they show the two of us inside the taxi itself. They look as though they were taken from outside, but from quite close range.

It definitely suggests that there is some sort of set-up going on. The problem is that they were delivered with no explanation whatsoever. Obviously the first person who springs to mind is TopFirst. He is so determined to destabilise both me personally and the case as a whole. But it also makes me wonder about the authenticity of WhistleBlower. How on earth would whoever took the photos know about the meeting in the first place if they hadn't heard about it from her?

 

 

Monday 7 April 2008

Year 2 (week 28): Deadline

 

I told OldSmoothie about the photographs today and he was, to say the least, unamused.

‘BabyB, we're committed to relying upon that evidence. If we withdraw it now, the other side will want to know why and they will rub our noses in it with the judge.'

‘But what can we do?' I asked.

‘Not “we”, BabyB. You. What can you do? I think it's time you started earning your money. I don't care how you do it but you'd better come up with something substantive on this WhistleBlower evidence in the next few weeks. If you fail, I'm cutting you free from this case and if there is any complaint, I shall be pointing them in your direction. Count on that.'

This is just what I need on top of the insider-dealing complaint from TopFirst. Meanwhile, TopFlirt rang today to suggest meeting up for a specifically platonic lunch tomorrow. I think it's time I started leveraging my position with her, so to speak.

 

 

Tuesday 8 April 2008

Year 2 (week 28): Code of conduct

 

Met up with TopFlirt outside Temple tube today. She was wearing a big raincoat with a hood and when I arrived she immediately said, ‘Quick, BabyB. Let's go straight down to the trains.'

I didn't have time to argue since she was already on her way and so I just followed. We both managed to get the one that was standing on the platform and when it moved away she pulled down her hood.

‘I think he's got some private eye or other following you, BabyB, and the last thing I want is him catching me on candid camera meeting up with you.'

After that we went for a quiet little lunch near Victoria station.

‘It's still going terribly with TopFirst, BabyB,' she said. ‘He's becoming increasingly obsessed with the case the two of you are fighting, particularly since you delivered WhistleBlower's evidence.'

I wondered why she was talking so openly about the case, as well as her relationship with TopFirst, but I certainly wasn't going to stop her.

‘I just wish he'd leave this case alone,' she said.

‘Why do you say that?' I asked.

‘Oh it's just as if it's stealing him away from me. Making him more distant. Compromising him in some way although I can't work out how.'

Then she added, ‘Just be careful, BabyB. You know what he's like as well as I do.'

For my part, and emboldened by her openness about the problems in her own relationship, I told her about Claire's new boyfriend and the fact that I'd managed to let her slip through my fingers. There was a pause, and a moment when we found ourselves staring at each other for just a little too long. But then she gave a shake of her head, as if to wake herself up and said, ‘I do really like you, BabyB. But whatever happens between TopFirst and me, you and I would never work out because I know it would destroy him. You know that, don't you?'

I agreed with her and TopFlirt perked up for the rest of our platonic lunch. But it was her comment about a private eye that has left me wondering. Perhaps the WhistleBlower photographs come from TopFirst? Or is TopFlirt just providing disinformation on his behalf? Though I have to say that I can't help believing what she tells me.

All of this means that it's not actually my witness who is necessarily questionable, from TopFirst's point of view, but instead it's my role in the evidence gathering that could give him ammunition. I think I might need to spend some time looking through the Code of Conduct.

 

 

Wednesday 9 April 2008

Year 2 (week 28): Witness summons

 

Had a meeting with OldSmoothie yesterday afternoon. He was pleased when I told him that there was no reason to believe WhistleBlower's documents weren't genuine.

‘But you still need to track her down, BabyB,' he said.

As it happens, having put even more effort into trying to contact her, I did finally receive an email from WhistleBlower later that afternoon saying that she might be inclined to meet with me some time next week. When I reported this to OldSmoothie, he simply replied, ‘Cutting it a bit close, BabyB. Trial starts in three weeks. Get a witness summons issued tomorrow and serve it on her the moment you meet.'

‘But we don't even have her name.'

‘Well sort it out one way or another.' He paused and then added, ‘You know, I'm really rather looking forward to fighting UpTights. Ever since BusyBody stood up for her, she's started to get a little more feisty. Should add to the sport.'

 

 

Thursday 10 April 2008

Year 2 (week 28): Peer to peer

 

OldSmoothie's been walking around chambers preening himself like a peacock today following a conversation he'd had with BigMouth who recently sent us a demand for an update on the Moldy cases. ‘Yes,' OldSmoothie boomed at chambers tea, ‘the Tories are scouting around for new talent at the moment to fill up The Other Place as soon as they win the next election.'

‘Hmm. Scouting for Boys. Now where have I heard that phrase before . . .' said BusyBody sarcastically.

TheBusker smiled seeing comedy value from all angles. ‘Reminds me of another childhood innuendo over the Everest pictures which said, “Edmund Hillary with Sherpa Tensing”. Which one of the two was tensing and why, was something that caused no end of mirth. But sorry, OldSmoothie, you were saying. The Other Place. You don't mean. . . .'

He paused theatrically and looked towards the ceiling.

‘Of course I don't,' OldSmoothie stammered impatiently. ‘I mean that they're talking about making me a Peer.'

‘What, like Brighton Pier?' asked BusyBody quizzically.

And before OldSmoothie was even given the chance to rise, UpTights waded in with, ‘Or is it something to do with watering your horse . . . you know, like leaking the lizard, draining the dragon . . .' Then she added pensively, ‘Hmm, a professional pee-er. Imagine that.'

‘Lord Percy of Porcelain,' added BusyBody.

‘I once knew a girl who only hung out with aristocracy,' said TheBusker getting distracted again. ‘They always dragged out that old gag about the paddle steamer.'

‘Ah, as in always moving from peer to peer,' said HeadofChambers waking up. ‘Yes, I like that one.'

‘Or TheLibrarian,' added TheBusker.

‘Hmm,' said HeadofChambers, as if it were a cryptic crossword. ‘Got it! Extremely fond of good titles. I like it.'

‘You know Teflon's father's a peer,' said TheVamp, nodding at another junior member of chambers.

‘So that makes you an Honourable,' said TheCreep, addressing Teflon.

‘Which leaves the rest of us, what, dishonourable?' said BusyBody.

‘It's a bit like the use of the label “love-child” for children born out of marriage,' smiled OldRuin. ‘It's always left me wondering what a child born inside of marriage might be termed.'

‘Do you use the title professionally?' asked TheCreep.

‘I hardly think so,' said Teflon.

‘I once did a piece of work for a QC whose father was a member of the House of Lords,' said TheBusker. ‘He didn't change a single word of the advice I wrote on his behalf except for the addition of the word “Hon” before his name and for that one addition he billed over ten thousand pounds.'

‘I've just never really seen the point of titles one way or the other,' said UpTights.

‘Oh, I don't know,' said TheBusker. ‘I remember once being taken out for a bangers and mash lunch by the Earl of something or other in a pub named after him. It all seemed quite fitting really.'

 

 

Friday 11 April 2008

Year 2 (week 28): Negotiation

 

With less than three weeks to go until trial, both sides formally met today for what might loosely be termed a settlement conference. Not that it was anything so organised as sitting around a table having a civilised chat about the issues. It was more like two huddles, with messengers being sent between them. The tone was set pretty early on when TopFirst came over from his huddle looking extremely self-important as if he was about to deliver a State of the Union address.

‘Er . . .'

He got no further than this before OldSmoothie cut him dead in his tracks with, ‘Get back in your box, TopFirst.' Then he raised his voice, ‘You know what they say, “never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ-grinder's in the room”.' He chuckled to himself and added, ‘Not that UpTights gets the chance to grind many organs these days, poor darling.'

UpTights pretended to ignore this and when eventually OldSmoothie and I approached their side to make an offer, UpTights immediately said, ‘Send in the clowns.' She paused and addressed OldSmoothie. ‘Krusty the clown and . . .' she looked at me, ‘. . . his little sidekick Bozo.'

I caught BusyBody's eye as UpTights said this and had to suppress a smile. But OldSmoothie was straight back on it. He gave her the offer we were prepared to accept and then said, ‘There's so many voices in that screwed-up head of yours, UpTights, but I'm sure that hidden deep down among them there's a little voice of reason.'

With such a mood of conciliation it was perhaps no surprise that negotiations quickly faltered. Trial approaches fast.

 

 

Monday 14 April 2008

Year 2 (week 29): Nose jobs

 

Two of the clerks were discussing the merits of UpTights as a barrister today. ‘Well, she certainly knows her job,' said HeadClerk.

At that moment, OldSmoothie walked into the clerks room and said, ‘What? Another nose job for the wicked witch?'

‘That's the only type of job you'd be able to get these days, OldSmoothie,' said BusyBody.

‘Jobs for noses, I say,' said TheBusker quickly changing the subject. ‘About time they paid their way.'

 

 

Tuesday 15 April 2008

Year 2 (week 29): Hospital pass

 

OldRuin was in chambers again today.

‘BabyB,' he said, as we had our morning coffee. ‘Do you think that I could possibly trouble you for a favour?'

Then, before I could answer, he said, ‘And please don't hesitate to say no if it's in any way inconvenient. I know how busy you are building up a practice.'