Lawless (14 page)

He balks at me. “You’re incredible. You know that.”

“I’m incredible here, but am I incredible in Boston?”

“I don’t know.”

“Neither do I and that’s killing me.”

His chest rises and falls in a heavy, labored rhythm. “But you’re still going, aren’t you?”

“I have to.”

“Fuck,” he grunts, turning his back on me.

“You know I have to!”

He shakes his head, not responding.

“I have to know,” I press. “I’m terrified to leave this town and I need to know why. I have to see what’s out there, outside Isla Azul. We’ve lived our whole lives here and neither of us exactly loves it. What if it’s better out there? What if there’s something better?”

“Some
one
better?” he asks, his voice hard.

“No. There’s no one in the world better than you. But I’m afraid to leave so I have to go. I have to own my fear or it will own me. You taught me that.”

His shoulders shake with a quiet chuckle. “Screwed myself on that one, didn’t I?”

“Will you look at me, please?”

He turns to face me, his hand brushing quickly under his nose and his eyes avoiding mine. That hurts. It hurts because I’m hurting him, something I never wanted to do.

“I’ll be back in nine months,” I promise him.

“You want me to wait for you?”

“If you love me is that such a horrible thing to ask?”

“No.” He looks up at me then, his face solid. Resolved. “I’d do it. I’d do it in a second if you asked me to, but you won’t, will you?”

I pinch my lips together between my teeth, shaking my head.

“Why not, Rachel?”

“I’m pretty sure you know why.”

“Say it.”

“Because if I’m going to give this a real shot I can’t know you’re waiting for me on the other side of it. I have to go with no strings. No attachments.”

He lets his head fall back, his eyes on the sky. “I’m losing you. Turns out I never even had you and now I’m losing you.”

“
You have me
,” I tell him fervently. “Lawson, you have to know that. You have me, all of me. But if I tell myself I’m definitely coming back to Isla then I’m not giving Boston a fair chance. I may as well not go.”

He brings his eyes back to mine. “So don’t.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“You give me too much credit. I think I do.”

“You would want me to stay?”

“If I’m being totally selfish, yeah. I want you to stay. I’ve never been in love before. Rach. It feels good. Everything feels right with you. And if you go, if you take that with you – Fuck,” he curses again, his eyes squinting against the sun. Against everything. “It’ll hurt, won’t it?”

I close the distance between us, taking his hands in mine. He lets me. He pulls me in close until our bodies are almost touching. Until he can lower his face to rest his forehead against mine.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I whisper tremulously.

“But you have to go.”

I nod my head, moving his with it until he’s nodding too. “I can’t live and die here never having given the world a chance. I want to know if I have the talent to be more than this. More than me.”

His thumb runs gently over the back of my hand. “You’re perfect the way you are.”

“If I go there and find out that’s true, I’ll come back.”

He doesn’t say anything to that. Just keeps running his thumb along my skin until finally I pull back. I look up into his green eyes so full of so many things no one ever thought him capable of. Fear and longing. Love. But it’s there and it’s real and earnest, and it breaks my heart because I knew. I saw him, I heard him. I knew who he was beneath every assumption we tried to bury him under. I knew he was great. I knew I would love him.

And part of me always knew I would leave him.

A week goes by without seeing Lawson.

The last time I saw him was at his house with Katy. I waited there with him for her to come out of his house, and when she did, eyes puffy and red from crying, he squeezed my hand, avoided my eyes, and hurried inside.

I drove Katy’s car and let her cry quietly the entire way home. I didn’t ask and she didn’t tell. She wasn’t ready yet, but when I hugged her goodbye in her driveway I promised I would be there when she was. I told her to call me day or night to talk. She forced a smile, nodded her head, and then she too hurried inside, leaving me alone on the lawn.

That night I bought my plane ticket to Boston.

I drive myself down to Ambrose Surf the next morning. It’s my last day but Lawson doesn’t show up early with a brown bag of delicious and I don’t call or text him to ask why. It’s a stupid question.

I finish out the day, thank Don for the opportunity, and almost cry when he hands me a bonus and tells me I have a job waiting there if I ever want one. I tell him I’ll remember that. Then I go to my car, open the envelope, and nearly piss myself when I see how much my bonus is. Five hundred dollars.

“Holy crow,” I whisper to the money.

That’s more than my plane ticket cost. That’s more than enough for a return ticket if I want one.

I close the envelope, closing my eyes as well and breathing deeply. It’s a dangerous thing having a way out. I wonder if I should go inside and try to give it back to him. He’d never take it, though, and there’s no one I can leave the money with that wouldn’t give it to me if I asked for it desperately enough. I’ll have to take care of it myself. I have to be strong on my own.

As I’m winding my way up the Pacific Coast Highway, my windows down and my music blasting, I hear the faint ring of my phone in my purse. I think about ignoring it but at the last second I check the display.

Lawson

I fumble to quickly answer it, roll up my windows, and silence my music all at once, all while trying not to crash. It’s tricky.

“Hello?” I answer on the last possible ring.

“Hey, Rach.”

I smile when I hear him say my name. “Hi. How are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” he answers, sounding tired. “I’m in L.A. so you know, not a great day.”

“What are you doing in L.A.?”

“I’m at my mom’s place. I brought Aaron down late last night. I haven’t slept all day.”

“God, Lawson, I’m sorry. Is he okay? What happened?”

“He’s—yeah, I don’t know how he is. He’s shaken up. He’s been different since Katy came by. He’s finally agreed to see a therapist and start talking about it. Maybe even a plastic surgeon. It’s scary though. He’s weird right now. Really jumpy. We have to have all of the curtains closed and he won’t go anywhere during the day. He’ll only travel at night so we had to make a special appointment tonight with the therapist after dark.”

“And you’re gonna take him?”

“He won’t go anywhere without me,” Lawson groans. “And I can’t go anywhere without him. I told him I had to take a piss, that’s the only way I can talk to you right now. I’m locked up in the bathroom like a fugitive.”

I frown, my heart aching for him. “You’re a good brother.”

“I’m a tired brother. I need to sleep but he won’t let me. He wants me to keep talking to him.”

“About what?”

“Sports. Baseball and basketball. No surfing. It’s my nightmare.”

“I wish I could help.”

“It helps just to hear your voice.”

I smile. “You’re sappy when you’re tired.”

“I’m horny when I’m tired too. Say something dirty.”

“Truck stop bathroom floors,” I whisper breathily.

He chuckles. “You’re playing but the voice is doing it for me. Say something else.”

“Porn store viewing rooms.”

“Nasty girl.”

“Spittoons,” I moan.

He laughs and it sounds more solid than his voice has since we started talking. “Man, I love you.”

“I love you too, Lawson,” I tell him in my non-sex phone operator voice. “How long are you going to be in L.A. do you think?”

He hesitates and I immediately know it’s bad news. “The month at least.”

“Oh.”

“Did you buy a plane ticket?” he asks tightly.

“I did. I fly out a week from tomorrow. My last night will be Thursday.”

“Shit,” he curses angrily. “We’ve set up appointments with this therapist for the whole month. His second one is Thursday night.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’ve got bigger stuff on your mind.”

“It’s only an hour and a half drive. Maybe I can get him to let me out of his sight by then and come up after I bring him home from therapy.”

“Lawson, that’s a lot of maybes and you’re going to be exhausted. You have so much on your plate right now, you don’t need this too.”

“No, but I need you.”

I fight the urge to close my eyes. To cry. To turn my car to the east and drive to L.A. to see him just for a second. But he’s with his brother and Aaron has made it very clear he doesn’t want anyone to see him, even strangers, so I stay the course.

“So sappy,” I joke lightly.

“So horny,” he replies comically.

“Good thing you’re in a bathroom.”

“Good thing I have a good memory. Send me a picture, would you?”

“No,” I laugh. “Not a chance.”

“Not a dirty one. One of your face. I just realized I don’t have any.”

I smile affectionately. “I will. When I get home I will. Do the same for me?”

“The second I’m not in a bathroom I will.”

“Good.”

There’s a muffled shuffle of the phone on material, footsteps and a hesitant knock.

“Coming,” I hear Lawson call softly. More shuffling and his voice comes back at full volume. “Sorry, Rach, but I gotta go. I’ve been in here a while and Atticus says he’s looking for me.”

“Go. Do what you need to do and try to get some sleep.”

“I will. Send me that picture.”

“You too. I love you.”

“I love you.”

I hang up feeling drained and sad. I keep the windows up and my music muted the rest of the drive home. Before I get there I have an idea, though. I pull off on a familiar old road that winds up the hill. That heads to the bluff. I get out of the car with my phone and pull my hair out of its tie, letting it fly long and wild in the wind. Putting my back to the ocean I smile at the camera. I take a picture of me and the sea and I send it to Lawson.

As I’m getting back in the car my phone beeps once. It’s a picture from Lawson. It’s him on a couch in a dark room, his tan skin looking impossibly brown and his green eyes half closed with sleep. But he’s smiling. He’s content and beautiful and all of the things I want to remember about him when I’m gone. His kindness. His calm. His sappy, horny heart.

***

I hear from Lawson every day, but we never say goodbye. Not even at the end of phone conversations. Not even for a second. As we get closer and closer to Thursday I start to get anxious. There are things I want to say to him. Promises I want to make and ones I want to ask of him, but I can’t. I have to go into this the way I told him I would – unattached. No strings.

Easier said than done.

Katy comes by for dinner on Thursday night to eat with my parents and me, but she still isn’t ready to talk about what happened with Aaron. She looks solid though. Not happy but steady. It takes a load off my shoulders to see her that way.

Wyatt sends me a text saying good luck and goodbye. Baker messages me telling me the same. And yet perfect silence from Lawson.

“Do you want to stay up late?” Mom asks with a small smile when Katy leaves. “Watch a movie? Eat junk food until we pass out on the couch?”

I grin, shaking my head. “No. My flight leaves early and I don’t want to be sleep deprived all day traveling. Thanks, though.”

“Okay. We’ll all get to bed then. See you in the morning.”

I hug her loosely, refusing to let her make this moment a thing because tomorrow it will all happen again. I can’t do this multiple times. I’m barely able to do it once.

Dad goes to bed with a quick wave and a hollered ‘goodnight’. I’ll get a hug out of him in the morning before Mom takes me to the airport. That’s about it, but that’s all I expect and all I want ‘cause that’s just how Dad is.

I go to bed with my window open so I can smell the ocean and breathe the air, but I don’t let myself think of it as the last time because it’s not. I’ll be back here to Isla Azul. Maybe not for a long time, and maybe not to stay forever, but I will be back. Just because tomorrow is the start of something new it doesn’t mean it’s the end of something old. My life is not one or the other, it’s what I make it. It’s who I am and California is a part of me. It’s under my skin, it’s in my blood, and I’ll always come back for it.

I’ll always love it.

***

My phone beeps loudly in the darkness. I groan, fumbling blindly for it to turn off the alarm. I hate getting up early. It feels like I just fell asleep.

My hand connects with the thin rectangle and I open an eye to swipe it to sleep, but it’s then I realize it’s silent. It only beeped once, not with the alarm but with a message. At two in the friggin’ morning.

knock knock

My vision goes weird around the edges, flaring and darkening instantly as my blood flies through my body. I drop my phone on the bed and make a mad dash through the dark house, heading for the front door. When I swing it open I’m not disappointed.

In the wan moonlight stands Lawson. He’s in shorts and an STP T-shirt with a small hole just below the collar. I can see his skin through it, smooth and tan. Warm in the way that makes me sweat just looking at him. His green eyes are too dark to see but I can feel them on me. Enveloping me.

He doesn’t say a word and I don’t ask any questions as he backs me slowly into the house. He closes the door softly behind him and stalks me through the living. Through the hall. To my bedroom where he again closes the door. Where he deftly lifts his shirt up over his head, shuffles effortlessly out of his shorts, and stands in front of me nearly naked with no inhibition and no question of why he’s here.

I pull my tank top off, letting my long hair fall out of it over my shoulders. He reaches out and gently pushes it aside, exposing my body to him. He takes it in like he’s memorizing it and I imagine that’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s what I’m doing as I stare at him, my mouth open slightly to pass my thin breaths across my lips. I feel like I’m struggling for air. Like I can’t get enough of it or him or the night.

Lawson kneels slowly in front of me as he pulls my shorts down to lie in a pool on the floor. His hands rise slowly over my legs, following the contours, tracing the muscles and the curves. He pauses on my right thigh where the scars pock the tan surface, white and reluctant to brown. He touches them with his fingers. He kisses them with his lips. Every last one of them, all the way around my leg in tender drops of worship until I’m faint. Until my hands are on his shoulders, worried I’ll collapse.

And when his mouth moves higher, I fall apart completely.

Lawson pushes me back, tumbles me to my bed, and then he stretches his body out over mine. He doesn’t flinch away from staring down into my eyes and he doesn’t hide anything in his. I find the whole of the world in their depths. The ocean and the sky, the air over my head and the earth under my feet. The blood in my veins and the beat of my heart. Love and devotion. Loss and surrender.

I find Lawson there.

I find my first love, my last kiss, my life in slow motion, and I slip beneath the surface to give it all back. I give him my breath and my body, pulling him close, so close it hurts, and the moon is still on his skin, shifting the tide. Moving us in and out in time with its breath. I’m dizzy and breaking apart, drifting higher and higher into the night sky in tiny incandescent pieces that burn brighter than stars. That shine down on the world, reflect back on the water in his eyes, in the depths of his soul, until we’re infinite.

Until we’re everything.