Lay It Down: Bastards MC Series Boxed Set (19 page)

I didn’t even have a chance to finish before he made a noise that sounded like a wild animal growling. He turned away from me and stalked toward the door.

“Wait! Matty? Where are you going?” Panic gripped me. Was he leaving me because he thought I’d slept with Will?

“I’m going to kick his fucking ass!” He didn’t stop, just threw the words over his shoulder.

I felt a sob coming, and even though I tried to fight it back down, some of it escaped. “Please don’t leave me alone, Matty. Please!”

He spun around at those words, his face suddenly softer. I was barely standing upright, knowing at any minute I was going to collapse on the floor in front of him like the pathetic damsel in distress I didn’t want to be. He practically lunged across the room, scooping me up as if I didn't weigh more than an infant, and pulled me into his arms. He carried me to the couch and sat with me on his lap. I couldn’t stop crying until I’d soaked his shirt.

He waited until I was completely cried out before he spoke. “What happened, Jo?”

In a rush of words, I told him the truth. All of it. The awful fight, the cruel words Will and I had said, the fact that Will’s hands touched my body and I hadn’t made him stop. I told him how scared I’d been, how he’d bitten me, and how I’d thought for a few minutes that Will was actually going to hurt me.

I told him I didn’t want to be with Will, no matter how it sounded, and that I just didn’t understand how any of today had happened. Somewhere along the way, I threw in the fact that I thought I was in love with him but that I still loved Will too. There was so much more to tell, but my head was pounding, my blood pressure was probably through the roof, and once I realized that I'd just confessed how I really felt, I slapped my hand over my mouth, terrified of Matty's reaction. I broke into hysterics again, begging him not to leave me, because I didn’t know what I would do without him. It was pathetic, but I couldn’t stop.

Matty listened, not saying a word, his hand stroking my head and playing with my hair then rubbing my temples. Every so often he would shush me, trying to calm me down. Finally, he shifted us on the couch so he was lying down with me, his back against the couch, my back against him. One of his arms cradled my head, the other held me to him. "I'm here, Jo. I'm right here, and I’m not going anywhere."

I don't know how long we lay there, but I needed a drink and an entire bottle of pain meds. Matty sat up when I did, rubbing my back.

"I'm sorry," was all I could mutter before heading to the bathroom. I hoped he knew that I meant it for so many things.

He followed me, bottle of water in his hand, and gave me a slight smile when he saw me struggling with the child-proof cap. He took it from my hands, opened it, and handed me three migraine pills. I gulped them down, closed my eyes, and leaned against the narrow wall next to the shower.

“Hey.”

When I opened my eyes, he was leaning back against the sink, long legs stretched out, one propped over the other, hands gripping the edge of the countertop. The worry showed on his face, top teeth gently biting his lower lip in concentration. I didn’t know if he was worried about me or thinking about what I’d said. I gave him a small smile, trying to tell him that I’d be fine. I hoped that he wasn’t going to bring up my confession from earlier—things with him were good. I had him back. I couldn’t handle losing him right now.

“You need to get away from all of this for a little while.”

Did he mean Will, him, or both of them? I closed my eyes, bracing for the moment he’d tell me he was packing his stuff and leaving to give me space.

“I’m going home next weekend.”

Home? My eyes flew open in confusion.

He gave me a small smile. “I know it’s an entire week away, but I thought it would give you something to look forward to.”

I shook my head, not understanding. Matty leaving was not something to look forward to. I closed my eyes again.

“Come to Boston with me.”

I pushed off the wall, eyes flying open, meeting his.

“I didn’t want to ask like this, but…” He shurgged. “It seemed like the right moment. Will you come?”

I nodded, the movement sending pain through my skull. “Absolutely.” My mumbled answer didn’t come close to conveying the excitement I felt.

He straightened up, grin wide. “Phew. I was afraid you’d say no.” He reached out for me. “You really okay?”

I smiled and gave him a small nod.

He sighed. “I’m exhausted. Who knew a nine-year-old could deplete my never-ending energy so quickly? He kept me going from the time he woke up until the time I tucked him in.” He gave me a dazzling smile. “And you, baby cakes, look like death warmed over. I’d say it’s been an exhausting day—both physically and emotionally. I need a bed, a comfy pillow, and your body to wrap my arms around. Come cuddle me?”

I grunted as I took his hand and let him pull me to bed. He pulled back the covers for me before going around to the other side and sliding in.

I felt his bare legs cover mine as he leaned over me, kissing my temple. “Good night, Joes. I’m right here… sleep tight.”

I smiled sleepily. I wanted to tell him I loved him, to thank him for being him. But all I could do was close my eyes and let my medicine work. I was almost asleep when he moved against me, his arm covering my body protectively. I leaned into him, feeling his muscles tense.

“Joes”—he was practically whispering, but his tone was hard—“if he ever touches you again, whether he leaves bruises or not, whether you’re with me or not, if he ever hurts you again, I will kill him.”

I was half-asleep, but I knew he meant it.

17

My phone was ringing. I didn’t know where it was or why someone would be calling me this early, but I hoped Matty would answer it for me. I reached out to his side of the bed, planning to either grab his hand, pull it back over me to hold me tight, and block out the world, or to shake him until he got up and stopped the incessant ringing. All I felt was the coolness of empty cotton sheets. I groggily opened my eyes and saw that Matty really wasn’t there. I frowned. My phone beeped again. Realizing it might be him, I rolled over to his nightstand and grabbed it, only glancing at the screen before hitting Accept and bringing the phone to my ear.

“‘Lo?” The silence on the other end surprised me. I cleared my throat. “Hello?”

“Hi.” Will’s voice came out breathless. “I didn’t think you’d answer. I was waiting for voice mail.”

My mind still wasn’t working. “Did you call me a few minutes ago?”

“Uh… no.” He was silent for a minute, and I closed my eyes, leaning back on my pillow, wondering if Matty had just called. “Joey, are you snoring?” There was humor in his voice. “Shit! Did I wake you up?”

I opened my eyes, glaring at the wall across from me. I wanted to be sarcastic, say something mean, but I was just too tired. Leaning my head back on the pillow, I closed my eyes again. “Yeah.” I yawned. “Musta overslept. But it’s okay. I’m awake now.” I yawned again, willing myself to open my eyes. “What’s up, Will?”

He sighed. “I just…” I could tell he was searching for words. “I just really wanted to… talk to you?” The last part of his sentence came out as a question.

“Talk to me?” I laughed at how absurd that sounded. “You just said you thought you’d get voice mail, that I wouldn’t answer. Well, you’re talking to me now.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Joey, I just…”

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard Will struggle to find the words he wanted to say.

“I’m just… well, I’m really sorry about yesterday.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. I knew he was. I knew I was. I didn’t know what to say that could possibly make him feel any better. My first reaction was to say
“I know you are, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
But I couldn’t say that because it wasn’t okay. So I said the only thing I could. “I know.”

“I’m still trying to figure out what I want to say.” His voice was soft. “I thought I’d get voice mail and you’d call me back later today or during the week, and I’d have plenty of time to practice what I was going to say. Why’d you answer the phone, Joey?” I snickered, but before I could answer, he continued on. “I guess I just thought you’d never want to talk to me again.”

It was my turn to search for words. I laughed at his absurd statement. “Well, considering you told me yesterday that the reason you filed for separation was because I wouldn’t answer my phone when you called, I’m a little concerned about what you might do next. Kinda can’t ignore you anymore, can I?”

“Yeah”—his voice was soft, remorseful—“that’s true.” He let out a long breath. “I don’t know how this all got so fucked up. How it got so outta control.” He cleared his throat. “All I know is that if I could take back the last couple of months, I would.”

He sounded so sad, so lost that I wanted to hug him, assure him that it was all going to be okay. But I just couldn’t find the right words, so I didn’t say anything. The silence was too much to bear.

“Joey, is there any way that we can get back to what we were? Is there any way I can make this all up to you? Any way we can forget about it? Pretend it was a bad dream?”

I shook my head as if he could see me. We couldn’t undo the last four months. Hell, we couldn’t even undo the last twenty-four hours. I couldn’t forget the way I felt about Matty. And I couldn’t change how he felt about her. I bit my lip.

“Will,” I said quietly, “we can’t change who we are. God! Sometimes I wish I could! But we just can’t. I love you, but I don’t want to be with you. After yesterday, I’m not sure I could ever be with you again. What about Rachel? Do you just pretend you don’t love her? Do you just forget about her and move on with me like none of it ever happened? Do I just forget about Matty? What in either of those scenarios makes us happy?”

“We can be happy together, Jo. We’ve been happy for years—”

“No, we haven’t!” I interrupted. “We’ve been getting by for years. Happy is a little bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”

“Joey—” His voice held an edge, and I knew an argument was coming.

“No! It’s the truth, Will. Look back on our life together. The last six months… when? At what point would you say that we were happy?”

“All of it.” He didn’t even hesitate. “I know we have problems. Everyone has problems, Joey. But you and me, we’re a team!”

We had been. I knew that. But that team no longer played well together. Or was I just so pissed off I couldn’t play well with others? God, he was confusing. Part of me desperately wanted to run home because part of me was one of those wishy-washy girls who would forgive him for just about anything. The other parts of me wanted nothing to do with him though. I had Matty now, and he was the only teammate I wanted.

“Will. You’re not hearing me. I can’t do this right now. I can’t keep fighting with you. I need space to clear my head.”

“With him?” The old argument was back again. “You need to space to clear your head—with him.”

“Yeah, I do.” I was quiet. “He makes me happy.”

“I make you happy,” he grumbled.

We weren’t going to get anywhere like this either. Round and round in circles we go… I sighed. I felt as though I’d done more sighing in the last few minutes of talking to him than I had all year.

“All right, Will. What do you want me to do? In your perfect little world, where do you see this going? In your mind, what do I do now? Do I pack up my stuff? Do I move home while the kids are still gone? Do we try to put this back together before they come home? How do I trust you again?” I scoffed. “Do you take the fact that I told you I was in love with another man, a man who just yesterday you told me I’ve been in love with for years, and forget it? Do we just try to put that behind us? And where does Matty fit into all of this? Because without Matty, there really is no me. I don’t know how to be who I am without him being a part of my life. If—”

“This is what I’m talking about Joey,” he interrupted. “Don’t you see it? It’s me that you should be worried about learning how to survive without. It’s me you should be talking about, saying, ‘I don’t know how to move on if Will isn’t part of my life.’ Death do us part, remember?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure our wedding vows didn’t include the terms ‘remain faithful and loving while your husband fucks whomever he wants!’” Silence on the other end meant I’d hit a nerve. I rolled my eyes and inhaled deeply. “That was uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

“We’re never going to move past this, are we? I’m always going to be pissed about Matty, and you’re never going to forgive my mistake.”

I wished I could tell him he was wrong, but I was pretty sure he’d hit that nail right on the head. “Mistake? You don’t fall in love with a mistake! You sleep with her once while your girlfriend is working her ass off to pass her finals. A mistake is not someone that you have an emotional connection with, someone you fall in love with over a period of months and then make love to. Rachel was an affair, Will. I forgave your mistake; I can’t forgive an affair.” He didn’t say a word, and I hoped I was getting through to him. “I don’t know, Will. I hope we can act like adults at some point. God, I feel like we’re teenagers again.” The thought made me shiver.