Leap (14 page)

I take in a deep breath. I let it out and address my mother in a calm tone. “I won’t be late. Okay?” She nods but she's expressionless. I suddenly feel bad for talking to her the way I did. But what I say and what I think are true. I know my mother loves me and I love her, but she has always made sure to point out my flaws in front of the Cooper’s, in front of Mack, in front of my dad. It makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel bad. It’s always been
what Corrine does wrong
or
why can’t Corrine be more like Mack.
I’m hoping things will be different when I leave for school. Maybe distance will be good for both of us.

If I had known Mack and the skank were going to be here at the beach, there would be no way in hell I would have agreed to come here. I can’t even look at them. Will apologized to me; he didn’t actually know they were going to show up, but I’m pissed enough that he knew there was the possibility of them coming. Even though I didn’t tell Will the real reason for the fight between Mack and me, he knows we are not speaking.

I’m trying my best to ignore them, well actually Veronica. All I keep hearing her talk about, with her equally skanky friends, is how close she will be to Mack at BU and how she hopes it won't be too long before they get a place together. All I can think in my head is
what the fuck.

Part of me knows it’s all talk, and the other part of me wonders if I missed out on some important information over the last few weeks. Did Mack and Veronica make these plans? Did he think this was a good decision? Did he even agree to it? My brain spins like wheels on a car wondering if he went along with it for the sake of appeasing her, or to piss me off. I hear her big mouth go on and on about how someday, when Mack is a famous news figure, they’ll be rubbing elbows with all the greats. She’s so sure of herself and so sure of her future with Mack . . . I know she’s speaking above her normal tone so I can hear. I’m not stupid. The hair flip, the glancing at her awful painted artificial fingernails. I will give her credit for her fierce determination to piss me off. She’s doing a good job of it. She usually does.

Lizzie elbows me. “You know she’s just talk, Corrine. Don’t let her bother you. Don’t let
them
bother you.”

“They’re not. She’s his problem now. Good luck and goodbye.”

Will steps up and puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in towards his body. I smile up at him as he strokes my upper arm with his hand.

“Hey. Can I get you girls anything? The band is about to start.”

“I’m fine.” My answer is short, and Will looks at me curiously and a bit worried. I need to ease his mind.

“Will, we’re fine, okay. I know you're friends with him, and even though Mack and I aren’t speaking, I know that we all hang with the same people so I’m not surprised they're here.”

He looks relieved and I give him a wink. Then like the Gods were trying to punish me, I see Mack walking towards us. With her.

What’s he thinking?

I press in closer to Will’s side almost for protection. Like a shield. I hold my chin up and eye Mack—not breaking my stare.

I hear an
‘oh, shit’
from Lizzie.

“It’s fine, Liz. I can handle this.”

I’ve always said Mack could walk into a room and, without saying a word, capture your attention with just his eyes. I fucking hate him for that.

“Hey, Will.” The guys grab each other's hands and shake and bump shoulders.

He doesn’t even acknowledge me, but he does Lizzie.

“What’s up, Lizzie?”

She raises her chin, silently recognizing Mack’s greeting. Veronica doesn’t acknowledge Lizzie or me.

Veronica is pressed up so tightly against Mack she might as well crawl under his skin. His arm is around her waist, and I feel an automatic churning in my stomach.

“Hey, Cooper, hi, Veronica. Haven’t seen you guys around lately.”

Mack takes a gulp from his can of soda, and I watch the movement of his throat as he swallows. I don’t know why I’m staring. It’s stupid. He’s stupid.

And finally she speaks, “Oh, yeah well we’ve been way too busy shopping for stuff for Mack’s dorm room, and I’ve been packing for my move as well. There’s not been a lot of time for socializing.

The sick feeling that I thought rolled away, rears its ugly head again, and I remember I’m the one who was supposed to go dorm shopping with Mack. I mean he trusts my judgment on just about everything.

Mack’s eyes go to mine, briefly, after Veronica tells us about the shopping. Lizzie can read the expression on my face, and she knows I’m angry. I’m trying not to show any kind of emotion but this . . . this is rough. Lizzie clears her throat.

“Oh, how adorable. And Veronica I heard that you’ll be living at your uncle’s best friends cousins house while you attend that community college . . . uh what was the name of it again . . . oh the thirteenth grade.” Lizzie smiles. Will snorts, Mack growls and holds Veronica back as she lunges to claw at Lizzie’s face.

“Watch it, Lizzie.” Mack warns her. Lizzie shrugs innocently but not really.

“What I’d say?”

“She’s going to school at least. She doesn’t know what she wants to do, so instead of wasting her mother’s money on a good school, she’s going where it doesn’t cost much to attend and the classes are an easier fit.”

I wish I had a camera to capture this moment. The moment when I see the horrified look on Veronica’s face after Mack basically told her that her college isn’t worth a hill of beans and neither is her brain.

Veronica struggles out of Mack’s hold—her jaw agape and looking as though she wants to rip his face off. Mack seems to already have his foot firmly inserted into his mouth from the time he spoke the first words in his statement.

“Veron . . .” She cuts him off.

“How could you say that, Mack? I’m going to school to be closer to you and to get an education. That’s what we wanted.” Mack backs up slightly, putting his hands up, palms facing out, bringing the conversation to a halt.

“Now hold on, Veronica. You were the one who chose that school because you told me you wanted to be closer to me. I didn’t agree to it. You had already scheduled your classes and made the arrangements with your mom’s friend to live there as soon as I was accepted to BU. I had no choice but to accept it.”

I have the feeling things may get a tad bit awkward now.

“I did it for us, Mack. You said that it sounded like a great idea.”

Mack pauses, takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes, and lets the air he filled his lungs with, out.

“I said it was a good idea that you were going to a community college and not a four year school because you weren’t sure what you wanted to do. You misconstrued the whole conversation, Veronica.” Mack’s voice is raised, and Little Miss Sunshine starts with her crocodile tears. Will, Lizzie, and I look on like we’re watching a damn soap opera play out in front of us. The band begins to play at the Allegria Hotel next to us on the beach, and the music fills up the uncomfortable silence that just came upon us all.

Mack tries to apologize but she’s not having it. He grabs her upper arm but she pulls away.

“I’m leaving.”

Veronica walks away briskly. I should feel somewhat bad for enjoying the scene that just played out, but I don’t. Since I can’t cover my expressions up very well, Mack can see my transparent thoughts as the corner of my mouth lifts up.

“You think that was funny, Corrine? You think I meant to hurt her feelings? It came out all wrong.”

My feet are still planted firmly beneath me but I cross my arms defensively.

“You never know when you're going to hurt someone's feelings without even thinking.” I bite the inside of my lip so hard to stop myself from saying anything further. I taste the coppery liquid of blood leaking into my mouth.

“Thanks for ruining yet another day in my life, Corrine.” Mack walks away, and I’m rendered speechless.

There’s a first for everything.

Do I want to lose my virginity to Will? Like at this moment? At this exact moment when we’re kissing in his car in the parking lot near the boardwalk. Maybe, I don’t know. He hasn’t felt my boobs or tried to get in my pants. I’m the initiator of it all. I’m the one over the past few weeks who grabs his hand or runs my fingers through his hair. While he’s driving, I’ll kiss his ear. This is the only time we’ve actually parked somewhere and did this. I’m leaving for school. Why shouldn’t Will pop my cherry before my decent into college life? He’s cute and popular. I’ve known him for a long time, and we have great conversations. Now I think we need to take it to the next level. I seductively slide my hand down Will’s side, towards his inner thigh, and place my hand on the front of his shorts while my lips are still attached to his. Expecting to find an erect penis, I find nothing. Not even a semi. What the fuck is wrong with me? I pull my lips away from Will’s and eye him, not understanding why he’s not hard when, for the last twenty minutes or so, we’ve been kissing and kissing pretty damn well.

I swallow my confusion down and ask, “Will, did . . . did I do something wrong?”

He cups my hand and gently moves it from the front of his shorts and places it on my knee. He leans his head back on the seat and breathes out, shutting his eyes tightly. A pained look streams across his face.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I? I mean I don’t think I squeezed it or anything. I mean, I just didn’t expect not to feel, or I mean to feel . . . I don’t know, something. Don’t you want me?”

I start to feel that anxiousness that comes and goes ever since the night of the prom. I can’t figure this out. I either get a guy like disgusting Mark worked up to the point where he wants to drug me to have sex with me, or I repulse a guy like Will where he can’t even get a boner from kissing me.

Will says nothing. He grips the steering wheel and looks like he may cry. He rests his forehead on it and shakes it back and forth.

I put my hand on his shoulder, gently, because he looks so upset.

What the hell is going on?

“Will, it’s okay. You can tell me. I’m a big girl. I can take it. If you don’t like me, I don’t want you to feel bad about it. I mean if you
do
like me and don’t want to have sex with me, that’s fine too. I . . . I just don’t want to pressure you.”

Will turns his head, slightly, on the steering wheel and he has a tear in his eye.

Stunned, I reach over and place my hand on his cheek.

“Hey, no, Will. What’s wrong? Tell me, please. Are you a virgin? 'Cause if so, I am too and we don’t have to do anything. We don’t even have to kiss anymore if you're uncomfortable and . . .”

Will cuts me off without hesitation.

“Corrine, I think I may be bisexual.”

What the fuck.

“Okay, so then why have you been pursuing a relationship with me? Why take me out and spend time with me, and kiss me, and tell me how beautiful I am, if you think you’re gay? I’m confused, Will.”

He lets go of the wheel and eases back in the driver's seat, looking pained and embarrassed.

“I thought if I tried to date a girl and do the things guys do with girls then that would clear up the confusing feelings I have for . . .”

“Guys?”

He starts to cry again, but this time this is not just one single tear. This is a river of emotions flowing out of this guy like I’ve never seen before. Not even Mack when his dad was killed on 9/11. This is awful. As he cries my hand goes tenderly to his back, and I rub small circles over his shirt.

“I tried, Corrine. I did. I’ve been trying to fight it for a long time, but I met someone at a basketball camp I went to last summer, and we got along well and kept in touch. I saw him again this summer, and I don’t know . . . there’s something there. He knew it and told me to call him when I admit my feelings to myself. I thought if I tried to date you, maybe I wouldn’t feel anything for him and I’d be normal.”

This. This right here makes me so sad. Normal. What is normal really?

Will wipes his face with his hands and rids his face of any dampness. I take his hand in mine and just hold it tightly.

“Will, it’s okay, you know. There’s no such thing as normal. No one is normal. We’re teenagers and we are so far from being normal. But I’m confused a little. All the girls you dated in the past, didn’t you feel anything for any of them? Did they question why the same thing that just happened with us, happen with them?”