Learning to Move Forward: Novella #3.5 (3 page)

I guess he never realized that I felt naked without my hand. The session with Jocelyn really did a number on me. Perfection seemed to be my hang-up, and not having me completely intact left me feeling vulnerable. I do have to admit—in one respect, getting the prosthetic off does free my mind to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. I don’t have to will my muscles to move certain fingers or create actions from specific minute movements. Just being able to feel is amazing, but I feel like less of a person.

I felt a slap on my ass. “Your mind is elsewhere, babe. I need you to focus back on me or we can easily end up skipping dessert and go straight to punishment tonight. It’s your call, Grace.” Jonathan’s voice was firm. He loved me for not holding back and I loved him for the same reason. He didn’t put up with any of my shit.

My heart skipped a beat at his words. His alpha dom mode made my core quiver and clench with excitement. Was my mind into enjoying pleasure or pain tonight? “Could I have a little of both, sir?” I realized I needed a mixture to release some pent-up tension and to reconnect with him as my dom lover and more importantly, as my fiancé.

I knew his brother, Garrett, was into some kink in the pleasure form, thanks to Laurel asking some questions. I never realized Jonathan would be even stronger into the kink field. I remember the night I got curious, when he started barking all these orders and taking control over my body. It was such a massive turn on, but I’d asked him, “Is this a one-time deal to try and impress me or are you really into the kinky side of sex? I’m not a pain slut and I won’t let you ever degrade or humiliate me.”

I remember him tying me up to his bed, citing insubordination, and then giving me orgasm, after orgasm, after orgasm, with toys, nipple clamps, and erotic spankings, before finally taking me and asking me, “So have you come to any conclusions?”

I hadn’t been around too many dominating men. I’d mostly thrown up a domme exterior to scare most men away, not letting them know that secretly I wanted to be controlled, not the one having all the power.
That’s a topic you need to discuss with Jocelyn. Shut up brain, I don’t want to talk about it right now.

Now that I think about it, Jonathan and I had only been living with one another for a few days. We’d spend night and day with each other at the house and hospital, watching after Laurel, but we’d been flirting like crazy at his home. Everywhere I turned, he was there pressing me up against the nearest surface and kissing my mouth like a man dying of thirst and I was the water. Then he added innocent touches with his hands or arms passing lightly across my ass or breasts.

I’d decided to play along with his little game and started brushing up against him any chance I had. Finally when we got home from the hospital one night I’d asked him to help me with my zipper, because it’d truly gotten stuck. I never expected him to rip the dress off of me and make love to me like no one ever had before. The kink and forced orgasms were icing on the cake, but the sex was the best I’d ever had.

Jonathan was the first to care what I wanted, how I felt, and asked what I needed. I’d never experienced that kind of closeness before. I’d planned on playing my part of not needing anyone and deal with a sexual encounter or two before cutting ties and pushing him away, like all the rest.
Do you hear yourself? Like all the rest! Jonathan is nothing like anyone you’ve ever encountered. He puts your needs above all else and yet you’re still trying to push him away.

His hands held the sides of my face. “Grace?” His voice sounded like he was in a tunnel.
Oh no, I spaced out again. My backside is going to be sore by the end of the night if I don’t stop this shit.
I broke down in tears.

“What’s wrong, love?” His arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. I loved listening to the sound of his heartbeat.

“I asked you a question and expect an answer from my subbie.” His voice changed to his dominant tone, meaning I needed to answer.

I didn’t want to admit it. “I’m not perfect. You could have a perfect wife, someone without a disability, someone with both her hands to love you and hold you. Not someone like me.”

He held me firm, so I couldn’t run. I’d tried once or twice to leave him, thinking he deserved better. “Damn it, Grace, I’m not about to let you go, at least not without a fight. I don’t need perfection, I only need you.” His hands swept down my back, grabbing my ass and pulling me into his erection, emphasizing his point.

My eyes were full of tears, but I leaned back to look into his eyes. One of his hands came down to interlock with mine, while the other grabbed hold of my arm, just above my stump and his thumb caressed my skin, sending shivers through me. He pulled my left arm toward him and held it against his face, kissing my arm tenderly.

His action melted my heart, but I kept imagining what it’d be like to hold his other hand. The thought made my feelings pour out of me in an emotional river, along with my tears. “I’ll never be able to hold your other hand. I can’t even wear an engagement or wedding ring where I’m supposed to. I want so badly to grip your hair, your ass, and every part of you with both hands and I can’t.” Then a thought out of the blue occurred to me. “How on earth can I take care of a baby when I only have one hand?”

Jonathan’s hand fell hard on my ass. “Enough!” he yelled. “I won’t allow you to speak about yourself so harshly. For every negative thought, you’ll get five swats of my hand. Keep it up, Grace, because your negativity is really starting to grate on my nerves.”

“I’m no good for you!” I countered.

He stood taller and took a stance that told me I needed to back down. “That’s five. Shall we go for ten?”

When I tried to back away from him, he just held onto me tighter. “The time for running is over. Look at me!”

I obeyed his command. “Yes, sir.”

“Are you going to run and keep trying to push me away, or are we in this together?”

I shook my head. If truth be told, I knew I couldn’t run from him. The last time I tried, it nearly tore me in two. He had my heart and he knew it. But I needed to know. “May I ask you a question?”

He half laughed and flashed his quirky smirk my way. “Of course.”

“Why me?”

His brows furrowed and it looked like he had to think of why. I was beginning to feel self-doubt, when he finally answered. “I was trying to think back on the time I realized I fell for you.”

“When was that?”

He gave me a chaste kiss on the lips, teasing me. “The day you walked into my restaurant.”

I know my face must’ve looked puzzled.
How on earth could he fall so quickly?

He picked me up and lowered me to the carpet, placing a few pillows behind us, before taking a deep breath in. “I never believed in love at first sight. When Garrett called from Boston and told me about Laurel, I thought he’d flipped his lid. But then to see the two of them together and how perfect they were for each other, it made me hope that I could have that same chance.”

I shivered at his words, so Jonathan grabbed an extra blanket and threw it over us, snuggling tight against my side, letting his hands skim up and down my side. “I’d tried asking him to describe how he felt when he saw her, but nothing made sense. Then when I was talking with Laurel and you walked in; I knew what he meant.”

His lips kissed the side of my neck reverentially. “The moment I saw you, my world stopped and the axis I was spinning on righted itself. My heart began pounding and I knew I’d do anything to get a chance to know you. I’m glad you were such a flirt and that Laurel gave us the opportunity to talk for a bit.”

“But what about—”

He reached down and pinched my nipple. “Don’t say it, love.” It was a warning. “When are you going to understand that I only see perfection when I look at you, Grace? Life sucks sometimes, and sadly, you were hurt as a kid and your kind nature was abused. But I only see a strong vibrant woman, capable of doing anything she puts her mind to. You take on any challenge and rise above it. You don’t let a disability, or anything, get in your way and you’re fiercely protective of the ones you love. I fell in love with your spirit and who you are on the inside.”

His hand roamed down and cupped my mons. “Your beauty, along with your sexual cravings being compatible with mine, just sealed my fate. I wanted you so badly from the moment I first saw you until we finally came together a few days later.” His fingers pushed aside my folds and skirted around the edge of my pussy, making me wet with desire. “The more I’m around you, the more I want you. There’s not a moment in the day that I don’t think of you, both in the loving and sexual sense.”

I smiled and admitted, “I think of you, too. I often find myself daydreaming about you; counting down the minutes until I’m in your arms. But I’m still scared that you’ll wake up one day and realize that you fell for the wrong woman and fall out of love with me.”

He pushed me onto my back, his body lifting above mine. “Hands above your head and no moving them!” I did as he commanded. His thighs slipped in between mine, pushing my legs further apart, until I could feel the brush of his cock against my clit. He arched my back enough to slip a pillow underneath my ass. “I wanted to play out an entire scene tonight, but right now I’ll take just having my cock buried deep in your pussy.

“Look at me, Grace.” My eyes instantly went to his as he reared back and shoved quickly into my center, causing me to gasp at feeling so full. I was so glad that he’d played with me while talking, getting me wet enough to take him. He started moving slowly, pulling his dick almost completely out, leaving only the tip inside before shoving back in with a strong force. I could already feel myself tingling, building slowly toward an orgasm.

“That’s it, baby. I want you to let go of all those negative thoughts in your head and feel what we are together. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you. You’re the only one to hold my heart. You’re the first person I want to see in the morning and the last I want to see at night before going to sleep. I can’t imagine a life without you in it.”

He smiled, quickening the pace, building us both toward orgasm. “Let yourself go, darling. I want you to just feel how good we are together.”

His words crashed over me like a strong wave hitting the shoreline. It was powerful enough to make me see that my future was here with him, but the shadows of my past and the lack of confidence in my soul still made me question how long.

His fingers reached down between us to pinch the nub of my clit, causing me to scream his name as he sent my flying out into the universe. I felt him pump into me a couple more times before stilling and finding his own release, praising my name with adoration.

Chapter 4

I hated that I ruined the scene Jonathan set up last night in an attempt to try and ease my lack of confidence. We did have a good talk and he helped ease my mind a bit. I no longer felt like pushing him away, but I still felt uncertain about our future.

We’d had some of the best vanilla sex we’d had in a long time that night, followed by my punishment of ten swats for doubting myself. His hand left my backside a little sore, but had us both craving another round. This time we did manage to use some of the chocolate and other items he’d brought out. Who knew there were so many places that chocolate and whipped cream could be licked off the body, causing the receiver to be driven mad?

I keep thinking back to that night, when he pulled up in front of Jocelyn’s building. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay by yourself today? We can always reschedule.” I could tell he was fearful of leaving me here, wondering if I’d bolt.

“No need to reschedule the appointment. Her assignment made me realize something about myself and I need to find out more. I want to be the best wife and subbie ever!” I leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll try to be quick. I have Tommy coming in to cover for Ralph’s position. As soon as he arrives, I’ll be back here.” His hand squeezed mine, making me feel a bit better.

“Okay.”

We said “I love you” to one another and parted company. His chef at the restaurant had an emergency and called in at the last minute, causing Jonathan to have to go in until his other chef could get there. It was going to be the dinner time rush soon, so he was needed.

I’d had a hard time with my journal. I realized that “perfection” and “idealism” were a major hang-up factor for me. Jocelyn agreed.

“This is not uncommon, Grace. You were an only child to a lawyer and a principal. They wanted only the best for you and for you to be the best at what you do in life. Being an only child is tough, sometimes worse than having multiple siblings. There are support groups for people who believe they’re failing to live up to their family’s expectations.”

I was shocked. “Do you think I need to go to one?”

Jocelyn leaned over and patted my shoulder. “No, dear. You’ve already achieved the goal that a support group would help unearth. You’ve realized your hang-up with the need to be perfect and are trying to deal with it.”

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. “I was surprised at how much freedom I felt writing the thoughts of my past. I almost skipped on to the next phase of my life when the accident occurred, but didn’t want to get ahead of myself.”

She smiled and just shook her head. “Grace, you have no limit to what you can write. I merely made a suggestion to start there and proceed forward. If you feel compelled to write more, by all means do it! That just means you’re ready to address other issues you have.”

A question kept forming in my mind. “Do you think Jonathan and I should postpone our wedding so I can deal with my problems first?”

She didn’t respond immediately, which concerned me. “Outside of Garrett and Laurel, I’ve never witnessed two people who tend to complement one another so well. You appear to share similar likes and interests, but you also seem to provide each other with what’s missing in your lives.”

I know I must have looked confused, because she quickly moved to sit beside me on the couch and gave me a motherly hug. “I’ll put this as simple as possible: go ahead with the wedding. No one ever entered marriage on a perfect note without any issues to deal with. That’s what matrimony is about, growing together, learning as a couple, and finding solutions to your problems together.”

“Really? You think we’re strong enough to move forward?”

She nodded. “I do. The only thing that will need some work is how you cope with things. You have a tendency to push people away, like you’re trying to do with Jonathan. All you need to do is remember that you’re a team where “We” comes before “I” and adjust your method of dealing with things to include him.”

Jocelyn patted my hand. “He adores you, Grace. Just let him in so he can help you mend whatever’s broken and remember that perfection doesn’t exist in the real world. We can all strive for it, but it’s okay to have some flaws; even the most beautiful diamonds aren’t without their imperfections. I think it adds character.”

I took a deep breath, realizing her words were truth. Garrett and Laurel’s lives were perfect examples of how flawed things could be, but how much beauty could come out of it. They had to fight hard to be a couple and have a family. Now they look like the perfect family, but they’re still trying to overcome the nightmares that the Petersons put them through.

I closed my eyes, drew in a large breath, and let the frustration of living with perfection float away from me. “I’ll give it a try.”

“That’s all we’re asking for, dear.” She stopped to scribble something on her notepad and looked at her watch. “I think you’re ready to move onto the next stage of your life, when you had the accident. Tell me what happened leading up to that day and the accident itself.”

I didn’t have to think back to “that day” since it was always on replay in my mind. It was the day that would forever change me and how I looked at life.

“Life was normal. I was head of the popular clique, into some sports, and co-captain of our cheerleading squad. I enjoyed some of the power the “in-crowd” gave me, but felt out of place at the same time. I wasn’t supposed to be friends with someone like my cousin, but what they didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt them. What was weird is that I connected better with Laurel and her friends than I did my own. I often questioned this, but I didn’t have to think about it long since life quickly changed.”

A few tears escaped my eyes. “I’d made our group so hard to get into that I expected flawlessness from everyone. When the accident happened, my friends dumped me and I realized just how superficial we’d all been. I felt abandoned and alone, but I had Laurel rushing to my aid to save the day, when I wanted to give up.”

Jocelyn looked a bit puzzled. “What did Laurel do to give you hope?”

I smiled, thinking back on her waltzing into the hospital room. “She treated me like she always did. The fact that I was missing a hand didn’t matter. In fact she told me, after a couple weeks, that my accident had helped her make a decision about her future. She’d been torn between her father’s engineering background and her mother’s nursing background. She knew she wanted to go to MIT and thought robotics might be the solution. But with my accident, she’d decided she’d work in prosthetics just so I could have the perfect hand. She always did love a good challenge.”

Jocelyn looked at me with knowing eyes. I replayed what I’d just said in my mind, and realized that even Laurel saw me as a perfectionist. She wanted to design prosthetics just so I could feel perfect again.

“I need you to focus and continue with your story, Grace.”

I let my mind wander back to that time. “My parents kept threatening to find me a therapist if I didn’t snap out of the foul mood I was in.” I turned to look at her. “I copped a good one, too. I was hurt by the rejection of my friends. I’d decided to take control of my life, pull myself out of my depression, and reject others before they could refuse me. The only people I let get close were Laurel and her brother Donny. Eventually, I learned to trust their friend, Freddie. But I kept most people at a distance.”

Just the idea of Freddie made me laugh. “I don’t think Freddie would’ve cared if I’d been purple with pink polka dots. He seemed to see people for who they were deep down and ran with it. I was free to be me around all of them, except with—”

I stood up and walked to the other side of the room, looking out her windows down onto the park. Jocelyn came up behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders in a show of support. “Remember that no one will judge you here. Say whatever is on your mind.”

I couldn’t look at her when I said it. The weight of my words made my shoulders sag and my heart feel heavy. “I think I might have let my parents down. They always seemed so sad after the accident, and even now, I see them trying to smile and keep up appearances that all is well in the world. But I often catch the worried expressions on their faces. It makes me feel that I didn’t live up to their standards. They can no longer claim that I’m the perfect child and have bragging rights.”

Wait a minute. Why am I beating myself up over this? Shouldn’t they love me for just being their daughter, not for being perfect?
I suddenly felt angry and turned to address Jocelyn. “Why do I suddenly feel angry all of a sudden?” I pumped my fists at my side, feeling the anxiety rolling off of me in waves.

Of course I didn’t get the answer I’d hoped. Instead I’d received a question. “Why do you think you’re angry?”

It didn’t even take a second for my mouth to rattle off. “Because my parents couldn’t just love me for the person I became.”

Oh, shit. Did I just say that out loud? Is that why I feel so tense whenever I’m around them?

There was a loud knock on the door. I watched as Jocelyn went to check and see who was there. “Hello, Jonathan.”

“Hi, Jocelyn. Is Grace done for the day?” His face instantly sought out mine and didn’t smile until our eyes met. He saw my tears and anger and was at my side in an instant.

“We’re about to wrap things up for today. She’s done well with opening up and realizing some triggers from her past. We haven’t hit the ultimate “A-ha” moment, but we’re getting there.”

His hands cradled my face as his thumbs wiped away my tears. A gentle kiss to the forehead and I was already melting into him. “Are you going to be okay, darling?”

I forced a smile. “I think so. Now that you’re here, it’s better.”

Jocelyn returned my notebook. “We’ll stop with what we discussed today. I’d like you to write about all the events that happened the day of the accident. What your feelings were at the time, versus now. How the accident changed your life and whether you feel it’s for the better, along with any regrets on what might have been. I’d also like to see, in more detail, how your relationships changed with everyone and why? In short, feel free to write whatever comes into your mind and run with it. If you want to move past that timeline, then by all means, do so. We can analyze things together in a few days.”

I gave her a hug and thanked her for today.

***

Jonathan pressed the button for the third level of the parking garage before his arm circled around my waist and pulled me into his side. His lips nuzzled the side of my neck. “Are you going to be all right, love?”

I nodded, feeling emotionally exhausted for all that I’d had to relive today. Who knew that therapy could be this taxing to the brain and body?

“I hate to ask this of you, but do you mind us having dinner at the restaurant tonight? Normally, Tommy can handle the place, but there’s a show going on at the new theater center and the people are flocking to the Bistro for appetizers, drinks, and food. I need to help him get through the rush and then we can go home and enjoy ourselves.” His eyebrows did a suggestive wiggle, meaning he wanted to play tonight.

“I guess it’s okay, depending on the special and dessert you’re offering tonight.” I couldn’t help pressing my body against the front of his and looking up at him through my lashes in a seductive manner.

My head began to spin and my body began to burn with desire as I found myself pressed up against the wall of the elevator with his erection grinding into my crotch. “The special’s chicken piccata.” His teeth were biting my bottom lip, begging for entrance into my mouth. “As for the dessert…that’s you, love.” I gasped in surprise and his tongue pushed forward, brushing up against mine as our bodies ground against one another.

It was hard tearing away from each other when the elevator stopped at the parking garage, but the quicker he got back to the restaurant, the faster we could get home and quench our insatiable needs.

He wasn’t kidding about the restaurant, it was packed. Tommy was running around the kitchen with the rest of the staff, trying to keep up with orders. Jonathan guided me to his small little office, which consisted of a desk and a few chairs, and brought me a plate of food. “Aren’t you eating with me?” I could tell my face reflected the hurt I was feeling.

He bent down and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I want to, but it’s a mad house out there. I’ll grab a bite when I can. In the meantime, make yourself at home.

I’d originally left the office door open, but the noise and trying to watch what everyone was doing was beginning to give me a headache, so I closed it. I ate half my food before feeling the urge to pull out my notebook and write.

August 7,

The session with Jocelyn was both eye opening and heartbreaking today. I understand now that I’ve been stuck on the idea of perfection for as long as I can remember. I know I’m not perfect, far from it, but I’ve tried to live up to the ideals of my parents, or at least what I thought they wanted. It all seems to stem back to the day of the accident.

I can remember the day so well. I was sixteen, had only had my driver’s license for a couple of months. My dad had an errand to run and I wanted to tag along, because there was a store close by that had the perfect dress for the homecoming dance that was coming up in a couple of weeks. I was going to the dance with the quarterback of the football team and I needed to look perfect for him. There I go again with the word “perfect.”