Least Said (54 page)

Yet
I
had
known
from
the
day
I’d
come
face
to
face
with
my
past
in
that
Southampton
store
that
something
so
momentous
couldn’t
be
dismissed
as
coincidence,
and
neither
could
anything
that
had
happened
since.
I
should
have
done
something
–
anything
–
to
deal
with
it
there
and
then
–
though
I
wasn’t
sure
what.

Perhaps
I
could
have
agreed
that
we
had
met
before
and
where,
excruciating
as
that
would
have
been,
and
asked
him
what,
if
anything,
his
intentions
might
be.
At
least
then
I
would
have
known
what
I
was
dealing
with
right
away,
acted
accordingly,
and
saved
myself
weeks
of
imagining
the
worst
case
scenarios.

I
reminded
myself
that
I
had
been
prepared,
only
recently,
to
confront
the
Adonis
and
demand
to
know
what
he
was
about.
Now
that
moment
had
passed
because,
as
I
had
just
discovered,
it
was
no
longer
just
him
who
had
erupted
into
my
life,
but
his
whole
family,
too.

‘Have
a
drink
of
water,
Mummy,’
Will
offered
the
glass,
spilling
a
little
as
he
held
it
towards
me.
His
little
face
was
pinched
with
concern.

‘Thank
you,
darling.’
I
forced
a
wide,
happy
smile
onto
my
face,
and
sipped
determinedly
at
water
that
had
definitely
been
drawn
from
the
hot
tap
and
was
unappetizingly
warm.
‘I
feel
much
better
already.’

Trying
to
appear
normal
while
I
was
trying
to
cope
with
the
thoughts
that
crowded
through
my
brain
wasn’t
easy,
but
I
had
to
digest
the
information
that
Catrin
had
so
openly
offered
and
deal
with
some
very
unpalatable
truths
that
her
unguarded
comments
had
disclosed.

Such
as
the
fact
that
she
had
either
been
pregnant
with,
or
had
recently
given
birth
to
her
youngest
daughter,
while
her
husband
and
I
had
been
carousing
in
a
hotel
bedroom.
What
sort
of
man
did
that
make
him?
What
sort
of
woman
did
it
make
me
that,
though
I
might
not
have
known
about
their
baby,
I
had
known
that
he
was
married
and
a
father
and,
if
anything,
it
had
made
him
even
more
appealing?
I
was
disgusted
with
him
and
his
behaviour,
but
I
was
far
more
appalled
with
myself
and
with
mine.

Another
fact
I
had
to
consider
was
that,
though
this
Gareth
was
the
father
of
four
apparently
healthy
children,
they
were
all
girls.
Would
the
fact
that
William
was
a
boy
make
my
child
more
appealing
to
him,
if
it
turned
out
he
was
indeed
the
father,
given
that
the
majority
of
men
seemed
to
desire
a
son?

I
didn’t
even
make
a
protest
when
Will
made
his
usual
request
to
watch
The Lion King
DVD
before
bedtime,
just
enjoyed
the
comfort
of
a
familiar
and
well-loved
routine.
Cuddled
up
together
on
the
couch
we
quoted
pieces
of
dialogue
in
time
with the
characters,
and
sang
along
to
the
songs
at
the
tops
of
our
voices.

Even
as
I
was
going
through
the
motions
though,
my
mind
was
busy
working
out
my
options
and
agreeing
with
myself
that
this
whole
business
had
to
be
sorted
–
and
sooner
rather
than
later.
I
had
to
make
this
Gareth
see
that
the
innocents
in
this
were
his
wife,
my
husband,
and
all
of
the
children
who
should
be
protected
from
our
thoughtless
behaviour
at
all
costs.

The
phone
rang
just
as
I
was
making
a
move
to
put
William
to
bed
and
Jon
answered
it.

‘Tina,
how
are
you?’
he
asked,
and
after
a
couple
of
shared
comments
and
a
laugh,
he
made
a
move
to
pass
the
receiver
to
me
mouthing
with
a
smile,
‘I’ll
put
Will
to
bed.
Enjoy
your
chat,’
then
aloud
to
Tina
he
said,
‘Passing
you
over
to
the
light
of
my
life.’

Just
hearing
her
voice
made
me
desperate
to
unload
all
of
my
troubles,
doubts
and
unmade
decisions
onto
her,
because
Tina
of
all
people
would
know
the
right
thing
for
me
to
do.
She
was
also
the
only
person
I
could
talk
feely
to
about
the
nightmare
mess
I
found
myself
in.