Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (33 page)

“Oh, thanks.” I smiled a little.
Still too much rolling through my head.

“This is what all that family stuff’s supposed to be about right? Being there for one another? You have a husband who would cut off his own arm if he thought it would make you better.” He stopped for a minute, sensing the change in my demeanor.
             
“Well, you know I mean all of this in the best possible way.”

I nodded.

“I’m going to follow your husband next door. I’d like to see Jaron. You sit here and think on your own for a few. We’re all carried once in a while. Remember that.”

“Someone’s been doing some thinking.” I looked up at him.

“It’s coming from a guy who’s let a wonderful woman carry him through a lot. I hope that someday I’m able to repay the favor.” His eyes kept mine.  “Brian said he finally got all permissions for you to take Nathan to the temple.”

“Yeah.”

“He must have worked hard to get that done for all of you.”

“He did.” Aside from getting the papers signed, I’d been nothing but difficult along those lines.

“I know it’s a big deal for you
Mormon people.” He smiled
.

“Careful there. You’re still part of that.”

He nodded once in partial agreement.

“I don’t think I can do it right now,” I said. “I don’t have the strength.”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt to make sure he knows you’re looking forward to it.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“Well, I’m going to go see my little brother.” He stood up. “I know you’re tired Leigh, but just take a few minutes to see if you could do something here to help yourself out.”

I sat by myself on the porch and let the tears slide down my cheeks. Joseph had come all this way to a mess. Brian had worked so hard for so long. I felt horrible. It took me a long time to f
igure out why, which was stupid. I
t should have been obvious. I had wallowed in self-pity for a ridiculously long time and had hurt the people around me. I could feel my chest breaking apart, knowing what I’d done to Brian. I thought about how hard he’d been trying to be whatever I needed him to be, and all I’d been able to see was someone whose suffering I hated more than my own. I hadn’t wanted to see that, so I’d turned it into something different.

Everyone had gathered over
at Stuart and Julie’s place
. I remembered gatherings here at the
beginning of my illness. I did feel worse than before, but did I really feel so bad that I couldn’t have people around? I still felt heavy. I didn’t know how to climb out of the weight, but I did know I wanted Brian back.
Needed
him back.

The bus came up the street and instead of heading to Stuart’s house where everyone had conglomerated, Nathan ran up the porch to see me.

“Hey Mom! Wanna see what I did in school today?”

I wondered how many days I’d put him off and hadn’t given him the proper attention. “Of course I do.” I smiled and carefully shuffled myself so I could lie on my side. I still half floated when I heard him call me
Mom
.

He pulled out a large paper that had been carefully rolled up in his backpack. He’d drawn a picture of me in my hammock with huge amounts of wavy auburn hair.

“That’s great, Nathan.” His teacher had commented many times at how advanced his drawing was. I wasn’t surprised.

“See? I gave you hair. Lots and lots of it.”

“
Thanks. I need hair.” I grabbed my head with both hands and smiled at him. He laughed.

“You’re funny.”

“Hey, Nathan? Do you miss your mom?”
Am I stealing you?

“ I
should
miss my mom.” He watched his feet on the porch.

“Do you know what it means to go to the
temple? With your dad and me?”

“Yeah.” His smile spread wide. “Do we finally get to do that? So you’re my mommy for real?”

“I…” His face was filled with hope. Did he know what it all meant? “We’re working on it.”

“Good.” He set his pack in i
ts spot next to the front door.
“
I want to go.”

Tears hit the edges of my eyes. “I want to go with you, too.” I wiped my cheeks. “Hey Nathan? Do you see your daddy over there?”

“Yeah, he’s at Uncle Stuart’s house.”

“That’s right,” I said. “Can you run over and tell him that I need some help?”

“Sure, Mom!”

“Wait, Nathan.” I hadn’t been fair to him either, though it had been different with him. “I love you.”

“Love you, too!” He waved as he bounded off the porch. “I’m glad you’re happy again!”

My heart caught in my throat with Nathan’s words and then again as I watched Brian come down the stairs next door. He moved quickly, but it looked as if there were struggle in every movement.

How had I not treasured every second he’d spent with me? He walked over to our large porch, the same strained smile he’d been wearing for the past month. The past month where I’d been so horrible.

“Wanna join me inside?” He tried to smile wider.

I nodded. I still didn’t trust myself to speak. He
looked down
, and his eyes were red, like he’d been crying. Because of me. Not because I was sick, but because I’d been shutting him out. Completely.

“Would you carry me in?” I asked. He always wanted to, but I’d stopped letting him unless there was no other way.

“Of course.” His expression softened. He pulled me carefully into his arms. I breathed him in and reached my hand up to touch him softly on the neck.

“Thanks,” I whispered quietly.

He walked easily even while carrying me, through the front door and into the house.

“Bedroom?” I asked.

“Sure.” He carried me down the hall and
into our room,
set
ting
me on the bed.

“Brian, I…” I wasn’t sure what to say. “Do you think that Stuart could take Nathan for a while?”

He nodded. “I’ll be right back.” His voice echoed the same quiet tone as mine. He leaned down and kissed me on the head. I smiled at him as he walked out the door.

I had to pee and walked slowly into the bathroom, using the walls for support. I wasn’t as dizzy as I had been. Only two more to go. I still kept a hand on the wall, just in case.
When
I opened the bathroom door Brian came down the hallway. I leaned against the doorframe.

“Hey.” He smiled
.

He stepped close to help me back to our room. I reached out and touched his chest with my fingers
and then let them slide down over his stomach. I took
a small pinch of fabric from his shirt and pulled. He moved closer as I knew he would. He leaned down and I stretched up until our lips pressed together.

I pulled myself as close to him as my weak arms would allow. I could feel the relief in his body. He kissed me back, so softly. He was so careful with me now. I missed those first few weeks of being together when I could feel the strength of him pulling on me.

“Will you come and lay down with me for a while?” I asked.

“Yeah.” The sadness disappeared from his eyes and I could see him relax.

He touched me gently and carefully and helped me shuffle around until we both lied down, our faces close.

“I’m sorry.” I looked into his deep eyes and felt completely ashamed of how I’d treated him over the past weeks, maybe longer. Time had been running together.

“What are you apologizing for?”

“For being absolutely horrible to you. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Leigh.”

“No. It’s n
ot okay. There’s no excuse.
I think part of me was trying to protect you. Like distancing you from me or making you not like me so it would be easier to watch this, and easier if it… doesn’t turn out well,” I finished.

He closed his eyes at my last remark, I watched him swallow once, fighting not to cry. I
reached over and touched his face, tears already
streaming down mine. He did the same. After a few moments, he opened his eyes and took my hand in his. The connection felt good. Brian felt good. I could have had this the whole time. I’d been such an idiot.

“You said something to me, at the beginning of all of this.”

“Yeah?”

“You said that you wished you could just hold me tight eno
ugh to make all this go away.”

“I still wish that, more than anything.”

“But you do. You do make it all go away. When you came home in the middle of the night and wrapped your arms around me so I could drift back off, or night after night when you held me close and touched me until I fell asleep? You took it all away. I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t remember that I was sick. I just felt you there and felt that you loved me. That’s how you made it go away.”

“I love you.” He arms wrapped more tightly around me.

“I need to be closer to you right now.” I felt like there would be no way for me to get close enough. I wanted to feel his warmth, his strength, his support.

He scooted down and over so I could lay my head on his chest.

“I’ve felt so heavy. Everything’s felt too hard.” I tried to explain to him.

He had one arm around me and the other slowly rubbed up and down my back. “I think I understand.” He breathed out. “We should call your doc. Maybe he could find something else for you.”

“Maybe.” It didn’t feel like there was anything out there that could possibly help.

“I love you Leigh, the real thing, more than I thought possible and I will love you forever. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in this short time with you, it’s that love really does grow deeper.”

“Imagine us at eighty.” I smiled.

He laughed. “I’ll be eighty five.”

“Oh right. Because you’re the old one.”

“Yeah. I’m the old one.”

I stopped looking at him for a minute. “If I ever start doing that again, call me on it, right away, okay?”

“Deal.” He smiled.

“I can’t believe what you’ve had to go through.”

“I can’t believe what
you’ve
had to go through.”