Lenin's Kisses (28 page)

The charred pants leg was clearly visible under the spotlights, permitting the audience to see the stump of Monkey’s missing leg poking out. That stumplike appendage clearly had two large blisters, which were shimmering under the lights. One-Legged Monkey thanked the audience and took a bow, and he was enveloped by a wave of breathless applause.

Everyone’s hands were red from clapping, and the applause was so loud that white paint started flaking off the walls of the theater.

After One-Legged Monkey took his bow and limped off the stage, the troupe director was waiting for him backstage. Smiling excitedly, he said, “Congratulations on firing the first shot. You will quickly become a sensation. Even Chief Liu was applauding like mad after your performance!”

One-Legged Monkey replied, “Troupe Director, where is the restroom? I peed in my pants.”

The troupe director immediately took him to the restroom behind the stage. He told Monkey not to worry, and confessed that when he himself was young, he also had wet his pants the first time he performed on stage.

No matter how you look at it, this opening-night performance was nothing short of an unqualified success. The performance began at dusk, and continued until the sky was full of stars. The entire time, the applause never stopped. Who ever heard of a performance troupe whose members were all blind, deaf, mute, crippled, or paralyzed? Who ever saw someone like Blind Tonghua, who had never known that clouds are white or the sunset is red, but nevertheless could distinguish between willow, tung-oil, pagoda, or chinaberry stakes simply by tapping them with her cane? Who ever saw someone like the Paraplegic Woman, who could take an elm or tung-oil tree leaf, or an even thinner and more brittle pagoda tree leaf—and embroider it with an image of a small bird, a chrysanthemum, or a plum blossom? Who ever saw someone like little Polio Boy, who could curl up his crippled foot and stick it into a bottle and then walk around using the bottle as a shoe,
click-clacking
as he ran back and forth in circles around the stage, and who even turned cartwheels and somersaults? There was One-Eye, who could use a single red thread to thread several needles at once. There was also pretty, petite Tonghua again, completely blind in both eyes, but with an incredibly acute sense of hearing. The entire auditorium became still as she stood in the middle of the stage, and when someone at the east side of the stage dropped a needle, she would say that a wire had fallen to the ground on the east side of the stage. And if someone dropped a white penny onto a rug on the west side of the stage, she would say that a coin had fallen onto a piece of cloth. Some members of the audience couldn’t believe she was really blind, and the next time she came onto the stage during her act she covered her eyes with a black blindfold, and when someone tore up a cigarette pack and scattered the pieces, she announced that a tree leaf was blowing around in front of her.

Tonghua’s Acute-Listening act was the final event of the troupe’s debut performance. Because this event involved audience participation, it functioned as a climax and marked the conclusion of the performance. Huaihua thanked the audience and announced that the performance had run half an hour longer than expected, and that now the performers and the county leaders had to go home and rest.

With that, the performance concluded.

Like guests at a party who are enjoying their dinner only to discover that all the food is gone, or are savoring a fine liquor only to discover that the bottle is empty, the audience had no choice but to get up and walk out of the theater. Chief Liu and the county cadres sitting at the front of the theater all stood and applauded. Each of them had an expression of excitement and amazement. Who would have expected that Chief Liu, after a single trip to the countryside, could manage to bring back this sort of performance troupe, whose every single act was completely unique and unbelievable? No one could believe that all these performers were actually disabled peasants from the remote countryside. But most important, each of the county committee and the county government cadres glimpsed, in the Liven performances, the first hint of Lenin’s glory—a money tree from which they would obtain the funds to purchase Lenin’s corpse. With the help of this money tree, they would be able to install Lenin’s corpse on Spirit Mountain, thereby transforming it into an inexhaustible bank.

The success of the dress rehearsal made Chief Liu’s blood boil with excitement. He went backstage to shake hands with each of the performers, urging them to go cook a delicious midnight meal. He said, “The weather is very hot, so for the next performance everyone should bring a paper fan. If you have to buy one, remember to get a receipt and the county will reimburse you. This will count as your first set of fringe benefits.” After shaking everyone’s hand, Chief Liu left the theater, surrounded by the county cadres, and left for the guest house.

Once there, Secretary Shi and the head of the guest house exchanged a few words, and then Secretary Shi took some stationery and wrote an invitation, which he laid out in front of Chief Liu.

The document read:

Invitation to a dinner banquet celebrating the success of the dress rehearsal of the special-skills performance troupe.

County Chief Liu:

In order to celebrate the success of the first dress rehearsal of the Liven performance troupe, we are presenting the menu of the celebratory dinner below. Please instruct.

Ten cold dishes: cabbage heart, scallion tofu, boiled peanuts, fried peanuts, boiled edamame, shredded ginger and greens, vinegar cucumbers, braised onions, celery sisters, lily brothers.

Ten hot dishes: braised hare, pheasant stew, mushroom duck, garlic-flavored entrails, pan-fried beef , carrot lamb, cubed pork with vegetables, chicken liver, jujube grasshopper, and green snake and white dragon.

Three soups: three-flavored soup, hot and sour soup, and sweet porridge.

Chief Liu received the report and examined it carefully. He used a pen to make two corrections, and then wrote “Agreed” at the bottom and signed his name. The report was quickly passed on to the head of the guest house, whereupon ten vegetable dishes and ten meat dishes were immediately brought to the table.

Chief Liu and the county cadres had a celebratory toast in the guest house cafeteria. Under the influence of the alcohol, Chief Liu began spitting out the truth, and proceeded to utter a number of surprising things, and did something that everyone found positively astounding.

The cafeteria had two large tables, and after everyone had eaten and drunk their fill, when it was already pitch-black night and the waiters were dozing outside the room, Chief Liu refilled his glass and lifted it into the air. He looked over the cadres below him, and told them all to raise their glasses as well, explaining that he wanted to ask them a few questions.

The cadres from the county committee and county government all filled their glasses and raised them.

Chief Liu said, “Today it is as if I am hosting a general meeting of the county standing committee, and as the nominal head of the standing committee, I want to ask everyone a question, which is also a request for your opinion. I hope you will express yourselves freely.”

Everyone stood up to join the toast and said, “Chief Liu, say what you wish. We will gather around you.”

Chief Liu asked them, “Do you think my decision to purchase Lenin’s corpse was a wise one?”

Everyone replied that it was a brilliant decision, the most brilliant decision that anyone in Shuanghuai had ever made. The decision would ensure that the eight hundred and ten thousand residents of Shuanghuai would be wealthy for ten thousand generations.

Chief Liu asked, “Do you agree that I’ve worked hard in making the preparations for the Lenin Forest Park and the Lenin Mausoleum?”

All the cadres replied that he had worked very hard on these projects, and that they had observed this themselves.

Chief Liu asked, “Do you agree that the Liven performance troupe will be Shuanghuai’s money tree?”

They all replied that it would not really be a money tree, because with a money tree you still need to go to the trouble of shaking it in order to get the money. Instead, this troupe would be a river of gold, and from it gold would flow into every mouth without anyone needing to do anything.

Chief Liu asked, “Do you see now that we have hope of buying Lenin’s corpse?”

Everyone laughed, but didn’t reply. When the cadres remembered how they themselves had chuckled at the county chief for being so wildly fanciful, they felt a twinge of guilt. Now, however, Chief Liu looked completely somber, without a trace of a smile on his face. He stood and downed his glass of liquor in a single gulp, then announced brightly,

“Given that this is true, I have a suggestion. If you agree, then down your drink as I just did. If you don’t, you can just lower your glass and it will be as if today we just watched a performance and ate a meal, but didn’t convene any sort of meeting afterward.”

Everyone gazed intently at Chief Liu, waiting for his astonishing pronouncement.

Chief Liu said solemnly, “I suggest that to the right of the Lenin Mausoleum on Spirit Mountain, we dig out a one-room side building, which would be directly adjacent to the great hall of the mausoleum. After we purchase Lenin’s corpse and bring it back, we can promote democracy by conducting an anonymous vote to see which of you made the greatest contribution toward creating the Lenin Forest Park and purchasing Lenin’s corpse, and who has done the most in the service of the county’s residents. This will determine who, after their death, will be buried in this side room next to Lenin, as a gesture of eternal remembrance and appreciation.”

When Chief Liu finished speaking, he saw that his table of colleagues appeared flabbergasted by his proposal, and initially were at a loss as to how to respond. The room was filled with the smell of liquor and the cool summer air. The moonlight shining in through the window was blocked by the light inside the room. But from inside, it was possible to see the moon suspended in the Shuanghuai sky, like a thin and bright silk disk in the sky. As Chief Liu stood there with his empty glass watching everyone, his colleagues lifted their glasses and looked at each other. There was a sharp chill in the room. After a long pause, Chief Liu suddenly thought of something. He abruptly threw his liquor glass at the table, and as it shattered a county committee deputy secretary asked him,

“Chief Liu, is it the alcohol that is leading you to say this?”

Chief Liu replied, “I, Liu Yingque, have never been drunk.”

“I agree,” the deputy secretary said, and drained his glass.

With that, the entire table seemed to awaken from a dream, and one after another they each announced, “I agree,” and drained their glasses.

The night was as dark as the bottom of a well. Chief Liu and his colleagues all stumbled out of the guest house and sauntered around in the moonlight. They happened to run into the Liven performers, who were hobbling around, some being led or supported by others. Having straightened up the auditorium following their debut performance and eaten their debut dinner, they were all singing Balou tunes as they made their way back to the west side of town.

They were all staying in a small village to the west of the county seat.

C
HAPTER 5:
I
N FRONT OF THE DOOR, A BICYCLE IS HUNG
FROM A TREE

It turns out that some people in this world are born merely to perform amazing feats, and it is merely in order to perform amazing feats that they live. Others, meanwhile, live only to observe these feats, and it is through observing these feats that they are able to live an ordinary life. Take Chief Liu, for instance. In the blink of an eye, he managed to establish this performance troupe, which enjoyed such extraordinary success at its first dress rehearsal. Or take the people of this county seat, who that evening were finally able to watch the extraordinary performance for which they had been waiting for centuries.

In the days that followed, everyone in the streets and alleys of the county seat spoke of nothing other than the troupe’s performance. The story of One-Legged Monkey leaping over the bed of nails quickly developed into a claim that he had leaped over a mountain of knives, and his vault across the sheet of flames became a vault over a sea of fire. As for One-Eye, his feat of threading seven to nine needles quickly grew into a claim that he could thread seventeen or nineteen needles at once. Deafman Ma’s Firecracker-on-the-Ear trick originally consisted of his putting a couple of small firecrackers on each ear, but as the story circulated it gradually developed into a claim that he was using a small cannon. Paraplegic Woman’s ability to embroider a cicada or grasshopper on a tung-oil leaf grew into a claim that she could embroider dragons and phoenixes. And then there were Blind Tonghua and the old deaf-mute. Their special-skills performances also became mythologized into something from another world, as though they weren’t disabled mortals, but rather had become disabled precisely in order to carry out these amazing feats.

All in all, Liven’s performance troupe was truly astounding, and consequently Chief Liu had them perform again in the theater, but this time for actual tickets. An adult’s ticket cost five yuan, and a child’s cost three. Given that in Shuanghuai tickets to a blockbuster movie cost five yuan, who could have anticipated that the Liven performance troupe, charging the same price per ticket, would sell out in an instant? The line to buy tickets stretched around the block, and became so unruly that the police had to be called in to restore order. But even after things calmed down somewhat, the ticket window remained so crowded that several dozen people ended up losing their shoes. Some people bought tickets, found their shoes, and walked away smiling. Others bought their tickets, decided they didn’t want their shoes after all, and walked away barefoot, but smiling. Some children lost their shoes in the tumult, but didn’t manage to get tickets, and they proceeded to stand in front of the door of the theater under the hot sun, crying and cursing: