Let Love Find You (21 page)

“Y
OU CAN OPEN YOUR
eyes now.”

No, she couldn’t, he had her on the bloody horse! Not the gentle mare, but the other horse he’d brought along, the one with the normal saddle, and she was sitting sideways in his lap as he rode around the track.

“You can’t fall with me holding you.”

Those words penetrated Amanda’s panic. She could feel his strong arms tight around her, cocooning her in safety. That
was
reassuring, more than she could have thought possible. But despite her being cradled in such capable arms, the fear still wouldn’t let go of her, not completely. But at least it wasn’t as overwhelming as it had been.

“Talk to me,” Devin said softly. “Tell me, what did this to you? It might actually help.”

He didn’t say any more, just kept riding round and round that racetrack. After a while, she felt so comfortable she almost snuggled against him! But this sense of security he was giving her was false. She wasn’t doing the riding, he was. If she were
alone in the saddle, she’d still be terrified instead of being lulled into feeling fully protected. Protected? Yes, he
did
make her feel that way.

She opened her eyes and glanced up at him. He was staring down at her, his expression inscrutable, still waiting for her to say something.

She looked away. “It wasn’t the pain from breaking my leg in the fall. It was bad, that’s all I recall. It wasn’t even the pain when the bones were set, which was so much worse. I remember screaming, but I fainted before the doctor was done.”

“How old were you?”

“Eight.”

“That should just be a vague memory by now. Why isn’t it?”

“The doctor said I might never walk right again. For four months they wouldn’t let me stand on that leg. For four months I cried myself to sleep every night.”

“But you don’t have a limp. Why the hell would a doctor tell a child that?”

“He didn’t. I awoke sooner than they expected and heard the doctor telling my father about that possibility. No one ever said it to me, but I knew, and I lived with such dread for months!”

“They should have gotten you back on a horse as soon as you mended, instead of letting you build up this unnatural fear.”

Was that anger in his tone on her behalf? But he didn’t understand. No one was going to push her to do anything that year. They’d been a house in deepest mourning.

In a small voice she said, “I lost my mother that year. We were all still grieving.”

“I’m sorry.”

She felt his arms tighten around her as he said it. Did his cheek touch her head briefly? She was surprised by his
sympathy. She wouldn’t have expected such a response from a—she couldn’t manage to think of him as a brute just then.

“But I don’t think my father would have insisted that I get back on a horse anyway,” she said. “It’s not as if riding was something I
had
to do. I’ve gotten along just fine all these years using coaches—until now.”

Devin rode back to the grass at the center of the track before he stopped the horse and lowered Amanda carefully to the ground, then dismounted. “A fall from a horse is a rare occurrence, Amanda. And most falls don’t end in broken bones. Really they don’t. But riding isn’t something you
need
to do now, either.”

“Yes, it is.” Her chin suddenly shot up. Her stubbornness was kicking in. She’d just been on a horse and hadn’t fainted. Talking about it must indeed have helped. And while she was having that courageous thought, she held out
her
hand so he could help her up onto the mare.

Devin just stared at her hand for a moment, then locked eyes with her for several more. But finally he took her hand and drew her in front of him. She would have had to look up to see his face, she was so close, but she kept her eyes averted. She gasped softly as she felt his hands clasp her waist, nearly circling it, his fingers were so long. He just held her like that for a moment. She glanced up, wondering why, only to meet his amber eyes bright with something that took her breath away. Her heart started racing, and it wasn’t from fear!

“Hook your right knee over the saddle horn immediately,” he said as he lifted her and deposited her in the saddle. “That will anchor you in place.”

Then he adjusted the stirrup for her left foot and even made sure her boot was firmly in it. But she only felt his doing all that
because as she sat alone on the saddle, gripping the saddle horn for dear life, her eyes were squeezed tightly shut.

He must have noticed because she heard him say, “You want Goswick this much?”

She gritted out, “I’m doing this . . . to show you . . . I’m not a coward.”

“Lord love you, Mandy, I knew you weren’t.” He chuckled. “You’re too hot-tempered to be a coward.”

Her eyes snapped open and she saw him grinning at her. She was tempted to grin back. Good Lord, the man had actually put her at ease. Looking down, she saw the ground wasn’t all that far away either, nothing like what she remembered from when she was a child! And he was still by her side. Even if she inadvertently slid off the horse, he was close enough to catch her.

Confidence suddenly soaring, she positioned her hips facing forward—she did remember that much, after all, from her old lessons. The mare cooperated by not moving at all.

“I’ll lead you for a bit.” Devin gathered the mare’s reins.

Amanda nodded, and as he walked her a full circle around the track, he instructed her, “When you pull back on the reins to stop her, do it slowly. She’s not skittish. She won’t rear up on you if you yank back abruptly, but there’s rarely a need to do that. And remember, you’re using a sidesaddle, so don’t try to put your weight in the single stirrup. Just keep it slow and easy. You don’t want to give Sarah mixed signals either. She needs to know you’re in control. If you’re nervous, she may well sense it, so remember to relax and just enjoy the ride.”

But when he started to round the track with her a second time, she began to feel like a cosseted child. She recalled Amelia, so happy with her pony. Six years old and no one had been
walking
her
around a track. And she was nicely balanced on the mare, had a comfortable perch, had been assured the horse was too gentle to bolt. She was ready to move on to the next part of the lesson: controlling the animal on her own.

“Let me try it.”

He stopped and the horse stopped with him. Before he handed the reins over to her, he teased, “You promise to keep your eyes open?”

She laughed. “As long as you promise to catch me if I fall.”

“That will cost you extra.”

The banter left her smiling as she flicked the reins, but nothing happened. She tried a more aggressive flick and even scooted forward and back in the saddle, as if that might get the mare going. Suddenly it did, a little too much, a bloody trot! Breath caught, heart suddenly pounding in her ears, panic soaring, she had no idea how she managed to stay on the horse with her arse slamming down in the saddle with each bounce. And she couldn’t figure out how to get the mare to change her gait to something slower and smoother.

She was too busy keeping her seat to even notice she’d made it halfway around the track and was nearly to the half circle at the other end of it. She had to glance back to see where she’d left Devin. He was actually racing after her. Thank God! If she could slow the animal just a little, he could catch up and get the horse to stop!

She tried pulling back on the reins slowly, as he’d said, but she had to lean too far back, and she was in such a panic, it didn’t occur to her to gather the reins closer to her first. Instead she tried to stand up in the stirrup to tighten the reins. Too late, she forgot she wasn’t supposed to do that!

Her eyes flared wide. The saddle started to slide to the left
off the mare’s back, with her in it! The ground was getting closer, the saddle was completely crooked now, and as she tried to straighten herself, she pushed the saddle even farther to the side.

It was happening again! History was repeating itself. . . .

H
ER SCREAM WAS STILL
ringing in her ears. Hitting the ground had cut it off abruptly when she lost her breath for a moment from the impact. Amanda was afraid to move. She felt the pain, the same pain, in the same place as before. History really did repeat itself, she thought as tears stung her eyes.

Devin hadn’t been able to reach her in time, but he stirred dust in her face as he came to a skidding halt on his knees beside her. She was terrified he was going to touch her and make the pain worse. She remembered the agony of being moved all those years ago. They’d carried her to the house and it had been so painful she’d fainted, which had been a blessing—until she woke.

“Are you hurt?” Devin asked frantically. “Tell me where.” But he saw her tears and swore.

She would probably have blushed, hearing his words, if she didn’t feel like swearing, too. She was still too afraid to move, even to lean up to look at him. And the tears wouldn’t stop because of it. She knew she was going to have to move, but the dread of what it was going to feel like was paralyzing her.

“
Where
are you hurt?” he repeated, more insistently this time.

“My left leg.”

“Anywhere else?”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid to find out.”

“Let me help you sit up so we—”

“No!” she shouted. “Don’t touch me!”

The hysterical note was probably what had him say, “Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit? We don’t even know if anything is broken. Or is this just because of what happened before? Was there more to that old accident than what you told me? Or are you just being missish about this because you’re a woman?”

“Don’t you dare—!”

“That’s better. Anger comes in handy sometimes.”

He did that deliberately? She realized it had worked, the terrified panic was gone. She wished the pain had gone along with it, though she realized even that was lessening. Of course she hadn’t moved a speck yet. The moment she did, she was sure the pain would overwhelm her again.

“Are you ready to get out of the cold?”

“No.” In case he thought she was still overreacting, she added, “I’m not the least bit cold.”

That wasn’t exactly true. She didn’t usually mind brisk weather like this as long as she was moving about in it. But lying so still, she could feel the bite of the late-autumn weather on her cheeks and gloveless hands. She’d be shivering soon. That might hurt!

“Very well, we’ll give it a few minutes, but let’s at least get your face out of the dirt.”

He actually lay down next to her on the ground so he could
slip his arm under her head, just enough for her to rest her cheek on his forearm without moving any other part of her body. That was rather gallant of him. And it hadn’t hurt to move her neck.
Was
she overreacting?

Amanda could see the concern on his face now. He hadn’t sounded worried, but he looked it, and that just stoked her fear.

But he said soothingly, “We have to find out where the break is, if there is a break. If you’ll point to where it hurts—”

“No. I don’t want to know—I’m afraid to know. You don’t understand. This is too similar to my first riding accident.”

“Are you sure? You said you fainted before. You haven’t fainted here.”

That was true. This pain wasn’t as bad either, and as long as she didn’t move her left leg, it didn’t hurt. If she’d broken her leg again as she feared, could it just be turning numb?

“Let me tell you how we’re going to do this,” he continued in that same soothing tone. “I’m going to pick you up and carry you back to the stable. I’m going to be very gentle, and you’re going to grit your teeth and manage not to scream in my ear. We know how brave you are, Mandy. You can get through this. Are you ready?”

“No,” she whimpered.

He waited a few minutes before he asked again, “Are you ready now?”

She was starting to feel a little chilled. She nodded and squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth as he suggested, waiting for that jolt of pain that would probably make her faint. He didn’t draw out the suspense. He lifted her off the ground quickly. The pain was bad. It flew up her leg and seemed to go right to her head, but that could have been from the quick change of position. She didn’t faint, but the pain was briefly
excruciating. She bit back the urge to scream. But Devin was walking at such a steady gait that she barely felt him move, and once again the pain receded. Or was she just too aware of being cradled in his arms to feel anything other than him?