Letters of Love (Lessons in Love) (21 page)

She’d held off delivering the news to Oscar, deciding it would be something exciting to share with him after the chaos of graduation was over. Once their families were gone and they were alone once more she would tell him the wonderful news about her future employment.

“I hadn’t told him yet.” Alex sniffed.

“Oh.”

“I just think that Oscar fears the future. He wants to stay here forever; he doesn’t want things to change. His guilt about Olivia won’t let him move on.” Alex was crying harder now, so Ashley let her cry into her shoulder, her whole body shaking as she did so.

“It’s okay
. I’m here for you.” It pained Ashley to see her friend suffer like this. A part of her resented Oscar for ruining Alex’s graduation, for putting his needs and feelings above her own. Ashley had always felt that he didn’t deserve the attentions of her best friend, and now in her eyes he had proven himself completely unworthy of the love she bestowed upon him.

“I just don’t know what to do,” Alex admitted, straightening up and wiping her eyes. “Do I go to New York and leave him? What if he tries again and actually succeeds in killing himself? I don’t even know if I can go to Europe anymore. He’s so fragile I can’t leave him
.” Alex’s lips quivered as she faced the reality that all her dreams for the future may now turn to dust. Oscar needed her, what sort of person would she be to abandon him when he was at his lowest point?

“You can’t stop living your life just because he tried to take his,” Ashley said assertively. “I know it’s not a nice thing to say
, but it’s the truth.”

“Ash, he’s a mess.”

“But that’s his stuff, Alex. He needs to work out his demons over his sister’s death. His issues have nothing to do with you; don’t let them become your burden too. You’ve already overcome so much yourself, you don’t need his problems.”

As she spoke, Ashley looked across at the picture of Alex’s father that had remained by her bedside for the last four years.

“Look at how strong you’ve been over losing your father? Look how far you’ve come!”

Alex wiped at another tear. She didn’t feel strong, in that moment she felt unbearably weak.

“You need to pack your bags, come to Europe with me, have an amazing summer, and then start your dream job in New York come the fall.”

“What about Oscar?”

“Oscar needs to get better. He needs psychiatrists, therapists, not you.”

“But I love him.”

“I know you do. But ask yourself, if he truly loved you, would he let you stay here with him and sacrifice your summer and your future? If he loved you like you love him, wouldn’t he want what’s best for you?”

Alex faced Ashley, the mirror she had been avoiding looking into. She saw the painful truth of her relationship reflected in her friend’s eyes.

“Oscar didn’t think about you when he tried to kill himself, so don’t let him control your future.”

Ashley was dealing out some extremely tough love, which Alex struggled to hear but tried to take in.

“Just think about it, Alex. You deserve to be happy. You deserve Europe and New York. If he loved you, he’d know that.”

Alex nodded uncertainly. “I need to finish packing,” she said softly.

“Okay.” Ashley kissed her friend on the cheek and then returned to her own side of the room.

****

“Knock, knock.” The nurse’s voice was annoyingly chipper as she tapped against the door to Oscar’s hospital room.

“You’ve got a visitor,” she merrily alerted him to Alex’s presence.

In his bed Oscar sat up a little straighter as she walked in. He still looked tired and withdrawn, but he was less pale than he had been the previous day.

“I’m so glad to see you
.” He smiled as Alex settled herself on the chair by his bed.

“You look better
. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Oscar retorted angrily. “I hate being in this place. They monitor me all the time
. I can’t even take a piss without a chaperone!”

“You’re on suicide watch,” Alex told him calmly.

“It’s a joke.”

“It’s not a joke. Oscar, you tried to kill yourself
. How does anyone know that you won’t attempt to do it again?”

“Because I won’t!” Oscar declared angrily. “I keep saying that I won’t. I had a moment of weakness, I see that now. But I won’t do it again! You sound like my mother, do you know that?”

Alex flinched at the level of hostility he was directing towards her.

“And now they want to keep me in here all summer! Can you believe it?”

“They just want you to get better,” Alex told him softly.

“Being kept in here like a caged animal won’t help me. It
’ll make me go mad.”

“Madder,” Alex quipped
, but either Oscar didn’t understand the joke or simply ignored it.

“At least I’ll have you to keep me company
.” He turned his head to look at Alex. “Will you be stopping by every day? We should think about getting some board games. I know they’re kind of pathetic, but we’ll need something to pass the time, to help with my boredom. My mother is getting me a Kindle. I know I said they’d be the death of literature, but my imprisonment is forcing me to conform. I can fit like fifty books on it, more than enough to last the summer.”

“Actually,” Alex cleared her throat nervously
, “about the summer, I won’t be around.”

“What?” Oscar’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going back to Woodsdale for a few days, then I’m leaving for Europe with Ashley.”

“What?”

“Our vacation is for four weeks, and I’ll come and see you as soon as I’m back.”

“What? How the hell can you go on
vacation?
” Oscar seethed.

“Oscar, please try
to understand—”

“What aren’t I understanding?” Oscar interrupted. “The man you supposedly love is in a hospital
, and you are flying off to Europe! How selfish can you be!”

The selfish comment really infuriated Alex. She felt her cheeks redden in anger.

“Firstly, of course I love you,” she began, forcing herself to be calm so that she didn’t start shouting in the hospital. “Secondly, how dare you call me selfish! You tried to kill yourself without giving me a second thought! What if you’d actually succeeded? Did you consider what that would do to me?”

Oscar was silent. Obviously he hadn’t considered the implications of such an outcome.

“I’ve only ever loved you and been there for you!” Alex continued heatedly. “But if you really, truly loved me, you wouldn’t try to kill yourself!” Tears fell down her cheeks as her body trembled with emotion.

“And if you love me now, you’d let me go and live my life. You are sick
, and you need help, but keeping me here hostage with you over the summer won’t help either of us. I’m going to Europe, and then in the fall, I’m leaving for New York where I’ve been offered a job.”

“You’re a self-centered bitch,” Oscar spat spitefully.

“Maybe, and if that’s the case, then I’m no worse than you.” Alex stood up, regaining control of her emotions. She positioned herself at the end of Oscar’s bed. He turned his head to avoid looking directly at her.

“Oscar Deloitte, I love you. You drive me mad at times and make me crazy
, but I love you intensely. But you need to get better, and if I stay with you this summer and sacrifice my own life, we will never have a chance at a future together. I’d only end up resenting you.”

Slowly, Oscar turned to look at her. He was crying.

“Please, Oscar, get better and then come and be with me in New York. You could get a job at one of the publishing houses, a creative job where you’d be fulfilled, and we can be happy together,” Alex pleaded.

“The people I love always leave me,” Oscar said softly, his voice trembling.

“But I’m coming back, I promise. We need to take this summer to heal, to develop and to grow. I don’t think we can do that together. Our love is too intense; we’d just suffocate each other.”

“Okay.” Oscar’s voice was faint.

“Okay?”

“Alexandra, I know I’m selfish at times and impulsive. I know I need to stop living in the past and look to the future
, and if you need to leave this summer, if I need to let you go now just to hold on to you always, then I can do that. I love you enough to do that.”

“Thank you,” Alex replied sincerely, surprised by his mature reaction.

“I’m going to get better, and I’m going to be the man you need me to be,” he promised.

“I know you will.” Alex smiled, pained at the thought of leaving Oscar for a whole summer. Her mind suddenly conjur
ed up the more magical moments of their relationship, like their night beneath the stars.

“But make sure you do come back or else I’ll be snapped up,” Oscar joked, his cheeky bravado surfacing. “A lot of nurses keep checking me out
, and I’m not sure how long I can hold them at bay.”

“I’m glad to see your sense of self-importance has returned
.” Alex smiled fondly. 

“It never truly left.”

“I’ll see you soon, Oscar.” Alex made for the door when Oscar called her back.

“Alex! I love you. And it’s a true love
, which means that maybe you don’t come back after the summer, maybe I never get to look upon your beauty again, but my love for you will never, ever fade. No matter how much distance or time is between us. I will love you always.”

“I will love you always too
.” Alex was growing tearful, so she quickly stole out of the door and into the corridor, where she inhaled deeply, catching her breath. When she glanced back into Oscar’s room, she saw that he was weeping.

****

“I’m going to miss this place.” Ashley sighed as she surveyed the now empty bedroom.

“Me too
.” Alex leaned her head upon her friend’s shoulder and sighed.

“We’ve had some good times in here,” Ashley continued, her voice breaking slightly.

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, her own voice catching in her throat.

The realization that they were looking at the end of an era hung heavily over them both like a lead curtain. Life and its unwavering march forward was pulling them along, forcing Kappa Pi and Princeton into the realms of the past.

“I didn’t want to get upset,” Ashley said tearfully, dabbing at her eyes with a pink tissue.

“Oh, Ash
.” Alex rubbed her friend’s back, tears now falling down her own cheeks.

“I’m just, I’m so grateful that I met you
.” Ashley turned and embraced Alex, holding her tightly.

Their bond of friendship had grown from the initial seed of introduction to the great oak of sisterhood that they now shared. The roots forged during their time at Princeton would forever be within them, unmovable. Whatever the future had in store for them, they would face it together.

“You’re my best friend,” Alex cried into Ashley’s dark hair.

“Best friends forever!” Ashley declared.

“Forever!” Alex agreed.

Pulling apart
, the girls looked around the room one last time. The space they had shared seemed so sad and lackluster now that it was stripped of all their belongings, all the things that gave a room life and personality.

All that remained were the generic furniture pieces left stark and bare. It was as if they had never been there, that the room had never been theirs.

“It’s time for someone else to have adventures here,” Alex said, using her sleeved arm to wipe away tears. She was proudly wearing her Princeton hooded sweater. It felt comforting to be taking a part of the college with her even if it was just its logo emblazoned on a sweater.

“Room, we shall miss thee,” Ashley jokingly told the space.

“We shall miss thee dearly.” Alex smiled.

“Okay, let’s go before I start sobbing and making a scene!” Ashley turned and began walking down the corridor, heading for the stairs.

Alex lingered a moment longer. Her goodbye felt harder as she realized it was the second time she’d had to leave a beautiful house and a lovely bedroom. A part of her feared that she may never again get the opportunity to live in such luxury. What if her future consisted of dingy apartments and trailers?

The Kappa Pi house embodied the dream she’d tried to recapture, the essence of magic her comfortable upbringing had given her. Living in the house, studying at Princeton had helped her feel closer to her father’s memory because it was where he would have wanted her to be. Beyond college, out in the great wide world
, she had no idea what he would have envisioned for her. Suddenly she was going to be alone, making her own decisions and forging her own path, and the thought terrified her.

Her mind drifted to Oscar, understanding his desperation when he felt he’d rather take his own life than progress into adulthood. There was something truly daunting about moving forward, especially when you so consciously tried to cling to the past.