Letters to Nowhere (12 page)

“Whatever,” they said together.

Jordan steered me in the other direction, where Tony and a couple other guys were standing. “Sorry about that.”

“This is our second date, by the way.”

“So our first date was buying tampons? That kind of sucks.”

I shrugged. “That’s what you get for dating a freshman.”

“Are you even in a grade?”

“Technically, I’m a senior like you, but the age of a junior. And apparently the inevitable size of a freshman.”

He dropped his hands from my shoulders and leaned down to whisper in my ear, “But a freshman dating a senior, that makes you pretty freaking cool.”

His breath tickled my neck, giving me goose bumps all over and tugging at my stomach in a weird, unfamiliar way. I held my breath, waiting for it to pass and shaking off the shiver that threatened to run down my spine.

No way could I get a real crush on this boy
.

“Are you in, Bentley?” Tony asked, pointing toward the huge hill behind the house.

Jordan scratched the back of his head, glancing at me for a second. “Not tonight.”

“Come on!” another guy said, then he tugged on my coat sleeve, demanding my attention. “You have to see this guy sled down the hill. It’s unbelievable.”

Jordan laughed. “It’s not a big deal.”

“I made fifty bucks last time. I’ve got a video game addiction to fuel,” the guy said.

“What’s the trick?” I finally ventured to ask.

Tony grinned at me. “See? The little girl wants to see you perform, Bentley.”

Little girl?

Tony glanced at my face and then backtracked, trying to fix his insult. He held his hand up waist height. “I just meant short…
shorter
…”

“Tony’s part ogre,” Jordan said, glaring at his friend. “Everyone looks small to him.”

“Anyway,” Tony said, changing the subject back to Jordan’s infamous trick. “See all those trees at the bottom of the hill?”

I looked down the steep surface and saw virtually no opening for a sled to go through. “Wow, there’s no avoiding hitting something, is there?”

“Sure there is.” Jordan smirked at me. “If you’re quick enough.”

And that was all it took for Coach Bentley’s son to accept a challenge he had originally refused. Or maybe that was part of the game—get everyone begging you to do it. Because that’s exactly what happened.

Ten minutes later, all the party people were lined up on the snowy grass beside the hill chanting Jordan’s name while he trudged up the hill, an orange plastic sled under his arm.

“I’m getting a video of this,” someone beside me said, pulling out a cell phone. “I’ll get twenty thousand views on YouTube by tomorrow morning.”

“A hundred thousand if he doesn’t make it,” another voice said. “Can you imagine the awesome bloodshed if his head slams into a tree?”

My fists clenched into balls as Jordan hopped onto the sled, standing up and riding it down the hill like a surfboard. I’ll admit, I let out a small gasp as he came within a couple feet of a tree, but he jumped off quickly and rolled sideways in the snow. It was a cool trick, but from where I stood, it didn’t look that difficult to time the jumping–off part.

Everyone cheered as Jordan stood up and ran back over to us. I folded my arms over my chest, watching him bump fists with Tony and the other guy who had originally egged him on. Jordan gave me a small bow, looking cocky as hell.

“What’d you think, Karen? Pretty awesome, huh?”

“Looked pretty easy to me,” I said.

We got several “ooohhhs” from his friends and Jordan’s cocky grin fell from his face.

My eyes stayed focused on the hill, forming a plan. The blood was already rushing to my head, making the tips of my fingers tingle. But this time, unlike the tucked back full on beam, I could do something that wouldn’t cause me to miss my parents more than ever.

“Tony,” I said, looking right at him and not at Jordan. “Fifty bucks says I can do a little better than Jordan. I’ll get a foot closer to the tree before I jump off.”

“No way,” Tony said.

The other guy laughed. “That’s cute. How much did you let her drink, Bentley?”

“You know how freshman babies get at their first party,” Tony said. “They end up in the ER getting their stomachs pumped.”

“You’re not drunk, are you?” Jordan asked, dead serious.

I flashed him my best “judges smile.” “Nope, not drunk at all.”

Then I took off to retrieve the orange sled. Of course Jordan jogged after me. “Is this gonna be like the triple back?”

“No, because your dad’s not here to yell at me,” I said, heading up the hill. “Besides, what did you call my routines again? Clean and safe?”

He laughed and kept following me. “Okay, okay! Forget I ever said that. You sure you want to do this?”

“Positive.”

When we got to the top of the hill, I almost chickened out after seeing how steep it really was and estimating the speed I’d generate halfway down. But I didn’t want this awesome rush to fade. Not yet. Jordan gave me a few pointers about when to shift my weight at certain points on the hill. I think most of the kids watching thought I was pulling some corny girlfriend move, sending Jordan off with a kiss or something. So I’m sure there were plenty of shocked faces when it was me who took off, surfing down the hill.

I almost fell off, right at the beginning, but then I leaned onto my back leg and saved it. The hardest part was watching the tracks Jordan had already made (with what little illumination Tony’s back porch lights provided) to make sure I got just a little closer than he had. When I did come within two feet of a huge oak tree, the most awesome rush of excitement and fear shot through my veins. I leapt off the sled, hitting my right shoulder into the snow first and then tumbling sideways. I watched the sled smack into the tree and do its own somersault in the air before landing with a thud.

I lay in the snow, catching my breath and letting the cold wet substance beneath me numb my body from any pain that fall may have caused. A few seconds later, Jordan stood over me laughing. “I’m dead if my dad ever finds out you did this. You know that, right?”

“Uh, yeah.” I accepted the hand he stuck out to help me up. “That was so awesome!”

He brushed the snow out of my hair, then he took off his white Cardinals stocking cap and pulled it over my head. “You must be freezing.”

“I’m in awe,” Tony said when we stood in front of the fire again. “Total awe. I never knew it would take a freshman girl to make Bentley look like an ass. All he does is show off like some Hollywood stunt man. Someone needed to knock him down from his giant pedestal.”

Jordan punched Tony in the arm, but otherwise looked unaffected.I smiled at him and sat in front of the fire, trying to warm my hands and dry my jeans. Jordan adjusted the hat on my head, folding up the bottom to keep it from covering my eyes, then he plopped down next to me on the bench. “Give me your hands.”

I put both hands in front of him and he held them in his, blowing warm air on them. “That’s very boyfriendly of you,” I said. “So what’s up with the girls you’re avoiding?”

He shrugged and moved his thumbs over the backs of my hands, rubbing them gently. “It’s not anything bad. Lindsey, the taller one with overly–perfect teeth, started bugging me about not going out with anyone, like not having a serious girlfriend. I think it was her way of trying to get me to ask her out.”

“But you don’t want to ask her out?” I couldn’t blame him for that. She seemed very annoying and fake.

“Correct,” he said right away. “The problem is, when you turn a girl down and you’re not dating someone else, you’re basically saying that something’s wrong with her. I hate getting into that shit.”

I smiled. “Oh, so you’re secretly nice underneath all your shallow comments and observations of the opposite sex.”

“If I were nice, I’d just be honest and say no, but I’m too chicken to tell a girl why I don’t like her. I mean, who wants to create a complex for someone, right? And your fingers are about five degrees away from frostbite.” He quickly stuck my hands under the front of his shirt, pressing them to his bare stomach.

My heart immediately started pounding. “Uh…is this your way of getting me to feel your abs? Because I’m pretty impressed. You have nice hamstrings, too,” I blurted out.

“I think I would blush if it were someone besides you saying that.” His brown eyes swirled with reflected color from the fire. “But I have a feeling your compliment will be followed by asking me what type of core conditioning I’ve been doing.”

Maybe…

Because I was pretending to be someone’s girlfriend, it was easier to be bold now, kind of like wearing a costume. I pulled my hands from beneath his and gripped his fingers, sliding them under the bottom of my sweater. “Let’s compare. But I’m sure you’ve got me beat.”

Jordan jumped, his gaze zooming in on his hands under my shirt, which I quickly realized meant something completely different than my hands under his shirt. He swallowed hard, his gaze lifting to meet mine.

My face flared up like an oven. “I’m sorry.” I released his hands and shoved them toward his lap. My eyes darted sideways, trying to see if anyone was watching. They were, of course. I stood up keeping my eyes on the hill. “I’m gonna use the bathroom.”

I moved quickly around the bonfire and then around to the side of the house and leaned against the wall, catching my breath.
Oh my God. I just put a boy’s hands under my shirt
. A little higher and he would have known exactly how big my chest
wasn’t
.

“Karen?” Jordan said, appearing in front of me. I could barely see him in the dark.

I covered my hands with my face. “Sorry…I wasn’t trying to—I’m just stupid when it comes to this stuff.”

He pried my hands off my face. “I don’t think I’m the first guy at a high school party to get caught feeling up a girl.”

“I know that, but it’s different with me,” I said with a sigh. “I’m not…well…”

“You’re right,” Jordan said. “It is different with you.”

“Don’t want take advantage of the flat–chested freshman who looks like she’s twelve,” I said, closing my eyes, feeling the exhaustion of the entire weekend rolling over me in giant waves. Right at that very moment, I wanted my mom more than I had in weeks. I didn’t care if that made me less mature. She’d know what to say. She’d know about all of this.

“Don’t listen to Tony,” he said. “You do
not
look twelve, seriously…besides—”

I laughed and opened my eyes, taking in Jordan’s worried expression. “I don’t care about Tony’s comments. It doesn’t bother me. I know what I look like, what other girls my age look like. But I’m not going to have boy hips and a flat chest forever. I won’t be four eleven and three quarters forever. I’m okay with it, really.”

Jordan stepped closer, resting a hand on the red brick beside my head. “I’m gonna kiss you.”

My stomach jumped up toward my heart. “What?”

“I’m going to kiss you.” He had this serious, determined look on his face. “I mean, I won’t if you don’t want me to…”

I could feel my eyes widen as he leaned closer, my heart hammering faster, every other muscle in my body completely frozen. No words of protest were able to fall from my tongue before his mouth was on mine. My eyes drifted shut, my stomach doing a dozen floor routines beneath my rib cage.

Holy crap. Jordan Bentley is kissing me
.

His mouth was soft despite the cold air. He pressed his lips more firmly against mine for a second longer before pulling back and slowly opening his eyes.

My heart thudded so loud I could barely hear anything going on in my head. And I really liked when my thoughts were silenced.

Jordan’s forehead wrinkled. “Was that okay?”

“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “It happened so fast. And I’m not sure exactly why you did it?”

Nerves and confusion filled his expression and then he backed away and leaned against the wall beside me. “I’m gonna be totally honest with you and you should appreciate that, considering how rare it is for a guy my age to spill exactly what he’s thinking.”

My chest was still rising and falling, post–treadmill style.

“First of all,” Jordan said, turning his head toward me. “Confidence in a girl is
such
a turn–on. You have no idea.”

I laughed, despite the awkward tension.

“Second, I never really have anything to offer anyone.” He smirked at me. “Besides my abs and hamstrings.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”

“But with you—” The smile dissolved from his face and I felt my heart flying again. “It feels like I’ve known you forever. And when I think about everything you’re going through, how much I
get it
…it just makes me want to kiss you.” He paused, watching my face carefully like he was ready for a big reaction of some kind. “I don’t know what that means…I wish I did.”

“You don’t know what it means in the same way you don’t know why you decided to make out with that Sara girl a few weeks ago?” I asked, trying to understand these multiple levels of confusion.

“No, with Sara it was just shallow hormonal driven behavior for both of us,” he said drawing in a deep breath. “Not that kissing you means something serious. That’s what I’m trying to tell you—I don’t know what it means, just that it wasn’t shallow and hormonal. You’ve never thought about kissing me before?”

“No, not really.”
But I am now
. I chewed at the dry skin around my thumb nail. “And I don’t really think I’ve been all that confident.”

“You’re not insecure about your body or being accepted. How many girls your age do you think are like that?” Jordan asked, giving me his single dimple half smile.

“You’re such a dweeb,” I said, returning the smile. “I am so going to tell everyone here that Jordan Bentley actually used the phrase, ‘insecure about your body.’”

I turned my back on him, pretending to walk toward the bonfire. Jordan hooked his arm around my waist from behind, holding me back. “Don’t even think about it. We share a bathroom, remember? There are so many ways I could get back at you.”

I spun around, not realizing how close my face would be to his. I could see the light brown speckles in his eyes, the little bit of red on the end of his nose from the cold, the scar just above his right eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Like what?”