Letting Ana Go (24 page)

Weight:
122

It’s been two weeks since I started using the CalorTrack app again. I’ve been keeping net calories at 1,200 per day so I don’t get too skinny too fast. That also allows me to eat about 1,700 calories per day, most of which I pack into lunch so that Vanessa and Jack don’t get on my case about not eating. I’ve started doing hard runs again in the afternoon instead of going to group. This helps me burn off as much as I can, and then I do my cardio routine at night after Mom’s gone to bed.

I’m glad Misty was honest with me about how I looked. I will not lose Jack. As sweet as he is, he doesn’t understand what he’s asking. He doesn’t want a girl who weighs 135 pounds. He won’t know that until he sees me, so I’m not going to let myself take that risk.

It just feels good to be back in control. I’m sort of proud of myself for recognizing all this feel-good crap for what it is: people who don’t have the willpower to stay thin and beautiful.

Weight:
118

Mom has flipped. Dr. Crane keeps calling to tell her when I don’t show up at my sessions. I told her I don’t care. This is who I am. I’m a thin, beautiful girl. Jack and Vanessa ganged up on me. They pulled me aside after school the other day and told me they can tell that I’m restricting again. I told Vanessa to get lost. I held the locket around my neck up in Jack’s face.

Me: So did you mean this or not?

Jack: What? Why are you being like this?

Me: Did you
mean
it? Did you actually mean that you love me
just like I am
?

Jack: Of course.

Me:
This
is me, Jack.
This
is who I am.

We have a date next week for Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to double with Jill and Rob. I was just trying on clothes and saw that I have these tiny dark hairs all over my torso and arms. It’s like the hair I shave off my legs, but softer. I’ve seen girls post about this on the forum before. I called Jill.

Me: Mayday.

Jill: Yeah?

Me: I am getting hairy like an ape.

She chuckled.

Jill: You too, huh?

Me: You mean . . . ?

Jill: Of course. Come over. I’ve got some wax. We’ll take care of it. Can’t be hirsute for Valentine’s Day.

Mom wasn’t home from work yet, so I drove over to her place. We waxed. It was painful, but I’m smooth as a baby’s bottom now. Jill has been restricting again, too. I sensed she was, but we’d both been careful not to talk about it.

It feels like we’re sitting on a powder keg—that at any minute, everyone around us might blow up. Sometimes I think it’s the level of discipline that makes people so angry and upset at us for not wanting to be fat slobs. Why shouldn’t we look like models? Why do you think you buy the products these girls advertise? It’s not because they’re better than any other product. It’s because you want to
look like the girl who is selling it
.

That’s why I buy stuff.

Girls who look a certain way use a certain thing. If I use that thing, I’ll be as pretty as the girl who is using it in the commercial or the magazine.

This isn’t rocket science. If you want to look like a girl in a magazine, you eat and exercise like one.

Why is that such a problem for my mom? For Jill’s dad? For Vanessa? For Kim? For Dr. Crane? For Sharon?

Because they know they could
never
do what we’re doing.
They could
never
be this disciplined. Look at Sharon. She tried to once upon a time and failed.

Miserably.

Jill and I will not fail.

Weight:
116

Trying to get back down to my homecoming weight, but dealing with it better this time. It feels right to be wearing my skinny jeans again. Mom has gone back to working the night shift because the pay is better and she needs to up our health insurance plan so she can send me to a better treatment center.

As if I’d go.

Dad stays away now for the most part. I think it’s too hard for him to see me all grown up. I am my own woman now whether he likes it or not.

I made Jack bring me home tonight after our Valentine’s double date. Jill and I looked amazing, but I could tell something was different with Jack. After dinner he and Rob took us for a carriage ride around the city. We were bundled under blankets in the back, and I felt his hand on my thigh. He flinched when he touched me. I can feel a difference in the way he puts his hands on me—almost as if he is afraid I will break.

But this is who I am.

This is the best version of me.

I can tell he doesn’t love me.

After the carriage ride, we were supposed to go to the top of a big hotel downtown with a rotating restaurant for dessert. I laughed when I heard this.

Me: Dessert?

Jack: Yeah . . . do you . . . not want to go?

Me: I’m not going to have any.

Jack just stopped and stared. He reached out a hand and gently touched the silver heart hanging around my neck.

Jack: Okay. I guess I’ll take you back.

He drove me home without a word. I sat there feeling stupid. He hates my body. He should hate my body. I hate it. I wanted it to be perfect. I should have done more. I shouldn’t have let them shame me into eating so much. I should’ve measured the food I did eat perfectly. I should have tracked the calories perfectly.

If I could just get back down to where I was that night I walked down the stairs last fall in the red dress, everything would be better. It would fix his hesitance. If I still looked like that I’d feel his desire when he touched me instead of his repulsion.

He walked me to the front door and kissed me lightly on the lips.

Jack: I wish you could see how beautiful you are.

When I went inside the house, I came upstairs to my room and cried tears of anger for not being good enough for him. I wanted so badly to be the perfect valentine. Instead, he could barely touch me. He was repulsed.

I’ll fix this. I’ll make it all better. I’m going to be a hundred pounds by spring break. He’ll see then. He won’t be able to take his eyes off me. I’ll be perfect.

Weight:
115

Mom found out today that the new insurance won’t cover any treatment for my anorexia. It’s a “preexisting” condition. She’s still vowing to send me off to a treatment camp somewhere, but I won’t go. I’m looking better than I have in a long time.

I don’t need a “Do This Instead” box anymore. Now that Jill’s working hard to get back in shape too, we stay in touch. Anytime I’m tempted, I just text her, and vice versa. We’re limiting ourselves to 500 net calories per day. That means I can eat 1,200 and burn 700 or so. My thighs don’t touch anymore. I’m getting down to homecoming weight! The lower I see the number drop on the scale, the better I feel about myself.

Jill and I are doing our workout routine twice each day until
spring break. It’s easier on our joints and bones than running. I don’t want to get a stress fracture like she did. Casting for
Swan Lake
happens the first day of spring break next month.

I don’t think I have time to keep this journal anymore. There’s too much other stuff to do and all writing about this does is make me focus on the wrong thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to think about how I feel. I just want to do the things I know will make me feel good about myself. I’ve got five pounds left, and four weeks to get there. I’m on track to look perfect in my swimsuit in Jack’s hot tub the first day of spring break.

I’m not going to write again until I make my goal.

Weight:
110.5

Jack is coming over tonight. He said he’s got a surprise for me, but I’ve got a surprise for him! I’m
finally
back down to the weight I was on homecoming night. When I got home from school today Mom was on her way out the door to work. She looked at me like she was seeing a ghost and just started crying.

Mom: What is it going to take?

Me: Mom. Please. Save it.

Mom: I am trying to
save you
. I don’t know what to do anymore.

She went on and on about admitting me to the hospital and how Dr. Nash said my not eating enough could be doing real damage to my heart and organs.

Mom: I just want to get you some help for your disease.

Me: Mom! I am not diseased! Can’t you see? I look better than all those other Fatty McFattersons. I am thin and gorgeous.

I swear it makes me so angry. If this is a disease, more people should catch it. All they can talk about on the news is how so many Americans are obese and overweight. You’d think my mom would be
happy
that I’m not some two-ton fatso thundering around the house. But no. She can’t be
happy
for me. No, no. It must be a
disease
.

I stomped up to my room and started doing my exercise routine. I got really light-headed in the middle of it and couldn’t stop coughing just now. I actually coughed up some blood. It was sort of amazing. I think I’m so thin my body is digesting itself.

I logged on to the forum and posted as weigh2go:

Finally back at my goal weight. Happier than I’ve been in MONTHS!

Jill called me right away.

Jill: Hey! Just saw your post.

Me: I
know
, right? It’s amazing.

Jill: Congrats, lady. I think we should go for a jog to celebrate.

Me: Yes! I’m going to jog over to your place.

Jill: Excellent. See you in ten?

Me: Give me fifteen. I need to change clothes.

Hopefully, there won’t be any more blood. I wonder if Jill has ever coughed up blood? I’ll have to ask her about it.

EMERGENCY TRANSCRIPT

Dispatch:
911. What’s your emergency?

Caller:
My girlfriend collapsed. I need an ambulance.

Dispatch:
Where are you?

Caller:
I’m on Caballeros near the corner of Alejo.

Dispatch:
Sending paramedics now. What is your name?

Caller:
I’m Jack.

Dispatch:
Jack, when did your girlfriend collapse?

Caller:
I don’t know. I didn’t see it happen. She was jogging over to my house, and then she didn’t show up and she didn’t answer her phone, so we got in the car to go to her place to check on her.

Dispatch:
Is someone there with you?

Caller:
Yes. My sister.

Dispatch:
Is your girlfriend breathing?

Caller:
I can’t tell.

Dispatch:
Does it look like she’s sustained other injuries?

Caller:
She’s got blood coming out of her mouth.

Dispatch:
Is she lying on her back?

Caller:
Yes.

Dispatch:
Can you see if her chest is rising and falling?

Caller:
Not really. I think it is. Just a little.

Dispatch:
Are her eyes opened or closed?

Caller:
Closed.

Dispatch:
And she appears to be breathing.

Caller:
Yeah, but it’s sorta shallow. Oh, man! Please! Hurry up!

Dispatch:
Jack? The ambulance is on its way. Stay on the phone with me. Jack? Are you there?

Caller:
Yes! Yes, I’m here. My sister doesn’t think she’s breathing anymore.

Dispatch:
Jack, do you know CPR?

Caller:
Yes. My sister is starting compressions.

Dispatch:
Make sure that you clean her mouth out with your finger to remove any blood or debris.

Caller:
Okay. Okay. I did. I’m gonna set the phone down.

Dispatch:
I’ll hold the line.

Caller:
Okay, I blew into her mouth and my sister is doing compressions. Oh—I hear the ambulance. Here they come. And a police car just pulled up.

Dispatch:
I’ll let you go. Thanks, Jack.

Case #:
13-1612

Date:
Friday, March 22,
          

Deceased:
                   

Age:
16

Sex:
Female

Race:
Caucasian

Summary:
                    
was pronounced dead on the 22nd day of March
       
at 5:29 p.m. by Regina Nash, MD, at
                
Medical Center.

Hospital #:
ED#098839520

Admitted:
22nd day of March
          
at 5:04 p.m. by ambulance from street corner of Caballeros and Alejo. Admitted by R. Nash, MD.

Symptoms:
Cardiac arrest, bleeding from mouth

Remarks:
History of anorexia nervosa/depression

Body identified by:
                   
, decedent’s mother, who was on staff in the ER at the time of arrival.

Immediate cause of death:
Cardiac arrest

Due to:
Anorexia nervosa

Other conditions contributing but not relating to the immediate cause of death:
Natural cause

Informant:
Pam Tomlin, RN

Incident:

The decedent is a 16-year-old female with a reported history of anorexia nervosa.

The decedent was last known to be alive this afternoon when her mother (an RN on duty in the emergency room when decedent arrived) left for work. Decedent spoke with a friend, Jill
                
then hung up the phone at 4:10 p.m., then left for a 15-minute jog to friend’s house. After no word from decedent at 4:30 p.m., decedent’s friend and brother (decedent’s boyfriend) attempted to reach decedent via phone call and text message. After receiving no replies, decedent’s friend and boyfriend drove toward decedent’s house to look for her. Decedent was found unconscious on the southwest corner of Caballeros and Alejo.