Letting Go (21 page)

***

Darkness had started to fall when Casey and Jonas snuck out to take Sampson for a walk. To Jonas’s surprise, he watched Casey search out Devlin to let him know where they were going before she followed him from the house.

“What was that all about?” he asked as he took Sampson’s leash from her and moved down the walkway.

“He worries about me,” she announced softness in her voice. When she put her arm through the crook of his, Jonas was completely taken aback. She rarely touched him of her own accord.

“Who are you?” he asked with wonder.

She looked up at him and smiled. “What do you mean?”

“Look at you. Look at what you’re doing,” he said as he motioned to her arm hanging on to his.

“Does it bother you?” she asked as she made a moved to remove her arm.

“Hell no, it doesn’t bother me. I’m just a little jealous I guess.”

“Why?”

“Because he did something in a couple of months that I couldn’t manage to do in three years.”

Casey was silent for a moment before she said, “It was never you Jonas, you must know that, right?” When he didn’t respond, she prodded, “Right?”

“Maybe it was Casey. Maybe I was too close to your past.”

She shook her head and forced him to stop. “No Jonas, that’s not true and you know it. Without you, I wouldn’t have made it through the last three years. I’m sorry I never told you that before but it’s true. You helped me start to heal. Devlin forced me to face my past. Letting go of everything…I don’t think I could have done that with you both.

They started walking again. “What’s going on between the two of you?”

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, right,” he snorted.

“I’m serious.”

“I saw the way he was looking at you all through dinner. A man doesn’t send his jet halfway across the country on Christmas morning to pick up the best friend of someone he’s only mildly associated with.”

“Devlin holds onto a lot of guilt and I think this is just his way of trying to alleviate some of it.”

“Guilt for what?”

“Things didn’t go real smoothly in the beginning and he’s just trying to make up for that.”

“So you don’t think it’s because he just wants you to be happy?” asked Jonas.

Casey fell silent for a long moment. “I don’t know.” She shook her head. “You know Jonas, sometimes I don’t think I know anything anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything’s changed so fast. He’s different, I’m different, even the kids are different. A month ago he and I weren’t even speaking and now-” she stopped in embarrassment.

“What?” he prodded.

“He’s…he’s acting familiar.”

“Familiar?”

“You know, he’s always around, he touches me sometimes, holds my hand, he’s even kissed me.”

Jonas didn’t miss the confusion in her voice. “Does it bother you?”

“I don’t know. It’s not bad but I’m so confused - I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Who says you have to do anything?”

“I can’t just ignore it.”

“Don’t ignore it. Just go along with whatever you feel.”

“If only it were that simple,” she muttered.

“It is that simple Casey, but you’ve spent so long on learning how not to feel, you have no idea what’s real anymore. You have no clue what to trust in, what to believe. Believe in him Casey. Believe in how he feels about you, how the kids feel about you, how I feel about you. We can’t all be wrong.” She took his arm again and started walking but she was so lost in thought that the rest of the walk was done in silence.

***

Even though Jonas believed his words had fallen on deaf ears, they stayed with Casey long after Jonas left a few days later. She was at work in the greenhouse repotting some plants that had arrived that morning. Sean and Marilyn had taken Isabel and Ryan to a new kid’s movie that had just opened up and Devlin had gone to work to get caught up. The privacy gave Casey the time to sort through her emotions. It had been several weeks since she had admitted to Devlin the truth about her cowardly act of deserting Amanda but he didn’t appear to hold it against her. In fact, he had never mentioned it again. He’d even allowed her the opportunity to say the words to her sister that she had longed to say for so many years by taking her to the cemetery. After that, he had let it go as if none of it had ever happened.

He continuously bathed her with some form of attention whether it was a touch of his hand, his penetrating gaze on her or the soft caress of his voice as he said her name. It was on these occasions that she took Jonas’s advice and just allowed herself to feel rather than question Devlin’s motives. The result shocked her. She no longer suffered any physical recoil at the feeling of his hand on hers; she didn’t feel the shame that used to wash over her every time he glanced at her. She had finally come to the realization that he cared about her, Casey Wilkes. His actions weren’t done out of guilt or obligation, they were done out of fondness. For a reason she still couldn’t quite comprehend, Devlin Prescott liked her. Ryan and Isabel liked her. Jonas liked her. It seemed so simple to grasp yet so much had had to happen before she was able to recognize things for what they were.

Casey allowed her thoughts to drift to her future, a luxury she had never afforded herself before. Devlin had asked her what she wanted out of life. What were her dreams? She’d never considered life beyond each day as it was given to her. While life in Devlin’s world had come to grow on her in some ways, she knew it wasn’t where she belonged. A life based on social functions and keeping up pretenses for so-called friends wasn’t appealing. But she would miss the kids. Being able to play a role, even if it was a minor one, in the lives of the children had proven to be more rewarding than she could have guessed. Ryan and Isabel were so young and carefree and had no concept of the horrors that lay in their path. More than anything, Casey found herself wanting to protect them from all the unforeseen dangers. She wanted the suffering that they had already experienced to be their last. But they weren’t hers to save and in Devlin they had a protector that would never allow evil to touch them.

No, she was ready to go back to the animal shelter where she was still needed. Maybe, in time, she could come up with a way to give Jonas his freedom. As much as he loved the shelter, he was still too young and too talented to be tied down that way. She hadn’t realized it before, but she was okay with her life in Ashland. But it didn’t mean she couldn’t hope for more – maybe she’d go back to school. Maybe one day she would even tell Peter Caulfield who she was. She didn’t need him to rescue her anymore like she had wished for as a child but maybe she’d be able to become a part of his world for real – a father, a family.

The month of January flew by in record time. Casey spent much of her free time exploring the city with the children. Still wary of what could happen to them, Devlin refused to let them go unescorted. Luckily, Ryan adapted quickly to Devlin’s limo since it was still the same concept as a cab with Casey, Isabel and Sampson in the back seat with him. To Casey’s surprise, Devlin hired a fierce looking man named Joshua to act as bodyguard. While the man stayed up front with the limo driver during the drive, he was always present no matter where they went. Casey quickly learned to live with the distraction when she realized he was there to not only protect the children from the unforeseen but her as well. Ever since Elliot’s attack and her subsequent all day shopping spree, Devlin had been unwilling to let her out of his sight for too long.

As the hearing grew closer, her nerves started to catch up with her. She wasn’t afraid of confronting her parents any longer but something told her things wouldn’t be quite that simple. Her parents had been too quiet these past weeks. They hadn’t contested the suspension of visitation with Isabel and had made no effort to contact Casey since the night of Elliot’s attack. Devlin had attributed it to fear of being publicly discredited but Casey knew better.

A few days before the hearing was set to start, Devlin decided to send the children along with his parents to the home he owned in the East Hamptons. The estate was actually the main residence for Devlin and the children but Ryan’s fear of cars had kept them from returning to the home after Amanda’s death. Saying goodbye to the children as they left with Marilyn and Sean had been harder on Casey than she expected. They’d played such a dominant role in her life these past couple of months that she was at loss without them.

The evening before the trial, Devlin suggested a night out to ease their strained nerves. Expecting to be dragged to some fancy five star restaurant where many of his friends were sure to be, Casey was surprised when he pulled the car up in front of a small Italian restaurant in a less than stellar neighborhood. Seated across from him at a small, intimate table with a singular candle between them, Casey fumbled with her menu nervously. When the waiter arrived to take their order he looked pointedly at Devlin.

“Casey, would you do the honors please?”

She looked up from her menu in surprise and then at the waiter. At Devlin’s encouraging nod, she rattled off their order in Italian. The waiter looked at her in shock, then smiled and wrote everything down and said something in response that made her blush before leaving.

“He said it would only be a few minutes,” Casey said to Devlin.

“That’s funny because I could have sworn he said he hoped I knew what a lucky man I was to be in the presence of such a beautiful woman.”

Casey looked at him in surprise, then exasperation. “You cheat – you made me think you didn’t speak Italian.”

Devlin smiled and leaned back in his chair. “He was right, you know. You look beautiful…and I do know what a lucky man I am.” She blushed again and averted her eyes. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?”

“A little.”

“You’ll do fine.” He reached for his wine and took a long sip. “Have you decided where you want to set up when all this is over?”

She remembered his offer to start her over somewhere else to protect her from her parents.

“I’m going home. I won’t let them take that from me.”

“You could stay here” he said softly.

She snapped her gaze back to him. “You mean stay in New York?”

“In the city…or with us - me and the kids.” He had shocked her into speechlessness. “The kids adore you Casey and I think you feel the same way about them. Why not stay and be a part of their lives?”

“You barely know me Devlin.”

“I know enough.”

Casey shook her head. “I can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

“Because my home is in Ashland. Jonas needs me. The shelter needs me.”

“You said Jonas wanted to go to art school…so let him go. You can hire someone to run the shelter and you can open another one here.”

“Devlin, it’s a nice offer but I just can’t.”

“What’s stopping you?”

Casey fiddled with her napkin for a moment before she leaned forward and said, “You asked me once to tell you who I was and I couldn’t do it. Do you remember?” At his nod, she continued. “You did something to me that day Devlin; when you made me admit how I felt about leaving Amanda behind.” She stared at the tablecloth for a long moment as if searching for the right words.

“It’s like you started to put together a puzzle for me. There are only a couple of pieces in place and I don’t know what the end result is supposed to be, but everyday new pieces are falling into place. Whenever the kids hug me, Jonas’s visit, Elliot’s attack, your kissing me; those things are all puzzle pieces that I’ve found but just haven’t quite fit into place yet to make a complete picture. Staying here with you and the kids would be like leaving the puzzle half-finished and I don’t want that – I want to figure out what it’s supposed to be. Can you understand that?”

Devlin dropped his gaze and slowly nodded, a slight smile drifting across his lips. Lifting his eyes, he said, “It’s an open offer Casey.” Before she could say anything, the waiter returned with their dinner.

***

The house was dark by the time they arrived home. Devlin led the way up the walkway to the front door and opened it. He let Casey move past him into the house and then followed her. As she started pulling off her coat he gently grabbed her arm and backed her up against the door. His mouth settled on hers and she gasped and immediately opened to him.  He pushed off her coat and then grabbed the back of her head so he could control the kiss.

The door was hard against her back but instead of being uncomfortable Casey found that it ratcheted up her desire and she fumbled to get Devlin’s jacket off.  It hit the floor with a thud and her fingers immediately sought the buttons of his shirt.  She pulled her lips from his.

“Is this okay?” she asked as she paused on the top button. He sucked in a breath and nodded his head. His lips trailed a path down her neck and she felt his hands travel down her back.  She fumbled with the buttons on his shirt and when the last one was free she ran her hands over his hard chest, her fingers dancing over the rough body hair there and then skittering over the muscles in his abdomen.

Devlin focused on breathing as her hands explored his body. He’d meant to give her a simple kiss goodnight but when he’d thought about this possibly being his last night with her he’d given in to his need and taken control of her mouth. He lost more and more of that control with every one of her moans and whimpers and when her hands disappeared inside of his shirt he had struggled not to come on the spot. He watched as she explored his body in fasciation. When her fingers drifted past the waistband of his pants and brushed over his hardness he groaned and took her lips again. He grabbed both her wrists and then pinned them above her head with one hand. His free hand stroked over one of her breasts, then the other. Her nipples hardened through the soft fabric of her shirt and he couldn’t resist taking one into his mouth. She cried out and struggled in his hold but he could tell she wasn’t afraid. He turned his attention to her other nipple and lifted her shirt so he could then swipe his tongue across the soft skin of her abdomen.

“Devlin, please” she whispered. He looked up at her and saw she was watching his every move, her breath coming in heavy pants. Her eyes were heavy with desire. Releasing her arms he dropped to his knees in front of her and reached for the button on her slacks. She dropped her hands to his shoulders but didn’t protest and when he pulled the pants down he took the panties with them. He knew things were moving too fast but his need for her had short circuited his brain. She was so soft and beautiful. Before she could even protest he closed his mouth over her and began stroking her core. He felt her hands tighten in his hair and she began pushing her hips forward every time he stroked her with his tongue. He placed one of his large hands on her hip to steady her and probed her entrance with his other hand. He slipped a finger inside of her as he continued to suck on her. She started to whimper as he increased the pressure and then slipped a second finger into her wet entrance. Within minutes she went tumbling over the edge and her hands tightened painfully in his hair. He heard her cry out as her body clamped down on his fingers. He continued to stroke her through the orgasm and when he felt her body go slack he pulled his fingers free and sucked them into his mouth to taste her. Her mouth parted when he did this and he rose to his feet and closed his mouth over hers again, sharing her own flavor with her.

“I need you” he said hoarsely, his own body strung tight with desire. “Say it’s okay.”

She nodded.

“I need to hear you say it” he commanded.

“Yes! Please…” she said as she sucked his tongue back in her mouth.  They dueled for a few more moments before he forced himself to draw back.

“Upstairs” he said and grabbed her hand to lead her up the stairs to her room.

***

Devlin pulled her back in his arms as soon as they were in the room. He kicked the door shut and backed her up to the bed.

“I’m sorry, I can’t wait” he said as lowered her to the bed and removed her remaining clothes. Casey watched him take a step back to pull his shirt off. Her body continued to tingle from her release but there was also an ache deep inside her, something she knew only he could fill. As much as she wanted to explore every part of him, she needed him inside her more. He stripped out of his pants and underwear. When she saw his hard length jutting out from a nest of soft looking hair she actually licked her lips. It wasn’t the first time she had seen a naked man but it was the first time she wanted to touch and feel every part.  She was surprised by how aggressive her need was. Before she could reach for him though he had slipped on a condom that he had pulled from his wallet and he was covering her body again, his tongue plunging back into her mouth.

“Are you okay” he asked, pulling back slightly. She knew he was man enough that even now he would stop if she asked him to. At that moment she knew she was in love with him. Tears stung her eyes and since she couldn’t form words she nodded her head and reached up to pull his mouth back down to hers. He indulged her while one of his fingers probed her to see if she was still ready for him. She bit down lightly on his lower lip when his finger entered her and stroked a few times. Within seconds his finger was replaced with his cock and he was slowly pushing into her, allowing her body to adjust to the thicker intrusion. She forced herself to relax and he slipped all the way inside of her. She loved the fullness, loved knowing they were one person. He pulled back and then pushed forward again. Casey tightened around him and then gasped as he lifted her hips and did it again. He continued to kiss her as he began stroking in and out of her and long, rhythmic slides. She felt the heat spreading through her entire body like her veins carried liquid fire. He ripped his mouth from hers and gathered her up in his arms as he began to plunge more forcefully. Their bodies were pressed together everywhere and she had never felt more protected. Right before he pushed her over his eyes found hers and he pressed his forehead to hers.

“Keep your eyes open” he rasped seconds before she fell over the edge. As her body clamped down on him he followed her and even as he shouted in satisfaction, his eyes never left hers.

***

The following day found Casey wishing she had worn a heavier blouse as the cool air in the courtroom seeped past the flimsy material and brushed over the nervous goose bumps that had formed on her arms. As they waited for the judge Casey began tapping her fingers on the tabletop in front of her. Devlin’s hand closed briefly over hers and then when she looked up he brought his hand up and gently tugged on her lower lip to free it from her teeth. She smiled sheepishly at the nervous habit she just couldn’t seem to break. He stroked his thumb over her lip once more and then dropped his hand. She turned her attention back to the front of the courtroom and felt her cheeks warm as she remembered how he had woken her up this morning. Part of her had expected him to leave in the middle of the night but he hadn’t and after making love to her again this morning he made them both breakfast. There had been few words between them but lots of stolen kisses. It had made the time waiting for the hearing to start go by that much quicker. She struggled with knowing she was in love with him. It wasn’t something she had ever felt before and part of her was actually devastated by it because letting him go was going to hurt so much more now. She knew she’d have to tell him the entire truth about her past and once he found out there was no way he’d want her in his life.

The stern looking judge entered and sat behind his massive bench in the empty courtroom and studied the documents in front of him. Casey was sitting between Mason and Devlin and luckily her view of her parents had been restricted to only a few seconds when they had entered the courtroom with their lawyer and sat down at the table. Mason’s tall frame blocked her from the cold looks she was sure her parents were sending he way.

“Mr. Connelly, how do your clients respond to the allegations brought to this court by Miss Dane?” the judge asked as he looked over his reading glasses at Arthur Connelly, Elliot and Caroline’s lawyer.