Letting You Go (30 page)

‘Of course not, Al.’

‘Well Dill was as much Mal’s brother as he was,
is
, ours, Jem. I don’t want to pick through the ashes for salvageable fragments of our family if this all blows up again, I don’t want Dill’s memory dragged through all that. Would Mal want that for Dill?’

Jem exhaled and set her hand over the sore patch near her mouth. ‘I’ll speak to Mal. He won’t say anything. And neither will Millie.’

‘And Mayor Sinclair is dead. That just leaves Louisa and our parents.’

‘What are you saying, Al?’

‘I’m saying, we should just leave it to them, Jem. Dill’s gone. If he was alive, it would be different. But he’s not. There’s nothing to gain from opening up an old wound like this. Mum isn’t well enough to deal with it for a start.’

Alex sat back into her chair and leant her head back against the wood. One of her mum’s wind-chimes dangled above her from the porch overhang. She watched the small metal shapes try to rotate in the breezeless air. A cloud, sun, several stars and a lightning bolt, all twinkling in the light.

Alex listened to Jem’s steady breathing and the sounds of Norma’s claws pattering over the porch decking.

‘That wasn’t what you were going to talk about, Al,’ Jem murmured after a while. ‘I cut in about Mum, you were
going to say something else. About Dill and Mal, but obviously not the same revelation I had to bring to the table … What was it?’

Alex closed her eyes. ‘Nothing. Secrets. Crossed wires.’ She tried to formulate something more substantial. ‘So you must have stayed with George last night then?’ George the invisible house guest Alex still had a few questions about.

‘Who else would I have been with?’ Jem had a strange expression on her face. Alex didn’t have an answer. ‘I was upset when I got there last night. Finn disappeared before his mum saw him and George wouldn’t let me leave until I’d calmed down. I fell asleep up in the room.’

‘Oh?’ Alex’s nose for scandal had been proven unreliable on an almighty scale. She wasn’t exactly qualified to doubt Jem, not after getting it so wrong about her parents. It was just, where was this George? Alex felt suspicious every time Jem mentioned him, and she didn’t have a reason for it.

Jem gently rubbed her fingertips over her eczema. ‘George wants to meet you. Today, actually. I thought we could all meet here at lunch, maybe go to the boat race together. If you guys hit it off, I mean. We don’t have to all go, you’re not under any obligation or anything.’

Jem rubbed at her eczema again.

‘No, Jem. Actually that sounds
great.
’ Jem was just full of surprises this morning. ‘What’s with the change of heart?’

Jem shrugged. ‘Finn.’

‘Finn?’

‘Last night, he could’ve floored Dad, Al. Finn’s a fit
healthy guy, he could’ve danced around him and put Dad straight on his arse. But he didn’t. He just … stood there. I don’t know why he didn’t fight back. Maybe he didn’t want to detract from the point he was making. All I know is that Finn made me feel like a coward last night.’

Jem was not alone on that score. Alex always felt like a coward next to Finn.

‘You’re not a coward, Jem. You made Robbie Rushton cry with your fractured wrist.’

Jem’s face warmed, ready for a smile that didn’t quite arrive. ‘Thanks. But you’re wrong, Alex. I have been a coward. Finn will take a beating for you … a beating for loving you. Well, it just so happens that …’ Jem hesitated, ‘I’m in love with somebody too. I am. And it’s about time I came out and said how I feel about George. Because it’s special, isn’t it? To feel that way?’

Alex saw the blood dried into the arm of Jem’s t-shirt. ‘It’s special, Jem. Of course it is. It’s just not always straightforward.’

‘But it is, Alex. If it’s real, it
is
straightforward. I’ve only just got that. And if you love Finn the way he loves you, Al, you need to hurry up and get it too.’

‘B
reakfast! Come and get it!’ Ted boomed up through the house.

Jem moved across the landing and threw Alex a shrug at the bedroom doorway before heading downstairs. Alex set the paper leaf Finn had left for her to find back inside the top drawer next to her bed and followed her sister. A power shower and some fresh clothes and, despite the night’s events, she was feeling fairly human.

Alex pattered after Jem into the kitchen. Norma was chewing on their dad’s’s slipper while he stood hovering over a frying pan. ‘Omelette a la … everything.’ He said, running a fish slice through something vaguely omelette-like, sliding each half onto a separate plate. ‘Don’t tell your mother I’m eating bacon, she’s obsessed with my cholesterol.’

Ted waved the fish slice at the table already set with coffee and juice and Blythe’s special occasion crockery they were forbidden to touch unless the Reverend came around.

‘Now don’t keel over in shock, I know I’m a little out of practice,’ he said carrying the plates of burned omelette
over, ‘but I used to cook a mean omelette for you girls and it’s about time you got to taste one of your dad’s old specialities again.’

Ted set Jem’s plate down first and pecked her on the head. Alex watched him move around the table to set hers down in front of her. Alex felt her dad put his hands on her shoulders and press a kiss to her head. He gave her a gentle squeeze before letting go of her again.

‘I was thinking, seeing as you girls have dug all your mother’s dreadful records out, I might take that record player down to the hospital with me today, see if we can’t get a bit more life into that room of hers. What do you think?’

The cordless in the hall rang. ‘I’ve got it, you girls get stuck in.’

Jem looked across the table at Alex and raised her eyebrows. ‘What did you do to him last night? Lobotomy?’

‘More of a baptism,’ Alex said.

Jem looked puzzled but Alex wasn’t giving her any more on that. She shrugged and looked at her plate.
‘Speciality?’
Jem whispered. ‘Is that a …
marrowfat pea
?’

Alex grinned. ‘Pretty sure I just saw your jar of peanut butter out by the hob too.’

‘Blythe!’ Ted exclaimed into the phone. ‘How have you got to the payphone?’ he said walking into the kitchen. ‘It’s all right, love, take your time. I’ve got all the time in the world.’ Ted put the phone on loud-speak and set it down between Alex and Jem’s glasses of orange juice. ‘You’re on
the speaker, love. The girls are here. We’re just having … muesli.’

‘Hello, girls.’

Alex and Jem exchanged looks. ‘Hey, Mum.’

‘Hi, Mum. How are you?’

‘I’m really, really, good. They brought … a phone on … a trolley.’

‘That’s great, love,’ Ted said softly. ‘I’m coming down to see you, in about half an hour. The girls are going off to watch the boat race, aren’t you, girls? I’ll have to be at the garage this afternoon though or the buggers will start parking in the yard, bloody tourists.’

‘We’re going to come see you this evening, Mum. When the traffic’s eased through the Falls, OK?’ Jem said.

‘OK, darling. I was just … calling … to say that the doctor … is pleased. I’m meeting … a … phys … phys …’ Alex watched her dad wince at the phone and held her breath, ‘… physio … therapist … tomorrow,’ Blythe managed.

‘That’s
great
, Mum!’ Alex smiled. ‘That’s the next step to getting you back here, with us.’

‘He said my heart … is behaving itself.’

‘I already told the docs that my wife has a strong heart,’ Ted said, clicking the phone back to normal. He nodded towards their steaming breakfast plates before wandering off into the front room, taking Blythe back all to himself.

Jem picked up one end of her omelette. ‘I didn’t know charcoal was an
ingredient
.’ She smiled. ‘Quick, bin it while he’s not looking!’

‘Way ahead of you, Jem.’ Alex smiled, passing Norma another finger-ful under the table.

Jim skipped over to the bin. Alex crept after her to the sink to wash her hands. Right now a burnt omelette was the biggest crisis they had. Which was pretty marvellous. Alex reached over the sink for the tap but there was something soaking in there. ‘Woah, wait a sec,’ Jem said. ‘Let me just get that out of the way.’ A faint tinge of yellow was still ingrained into the fabric of Jem’s white t-shirt.

Jem inspected it. ‘Sod. Why is blood such a bugger to get out?’ Alex felt her morning pop like an air bubble. Jem must’ve felt it too. ‘Hey? What’s up?’

Alex shook it off. ‘I’m fine. Great, in fact. Mum’s feeling better, Dad’s happier. Everything’s great,’ she lied.

Jem gave her a hard look. ‘Some things leave their mark though, don’t they, Al?’

‘J
em, you’ve been up and down at that window more times than Norma!’

Jem flashed a nervous smile and began pacing past the clock on the mantelpiece again. Jem had done a U-turn. They weren’t going to have lunch when George arrived. That might be weird, she’d decided. So George was just coming up for a good old-fashioned cup of tea. In three minutes, so said the mantelpiece clock.

‘Jem, calm down. I’m starting to wonder if he’s got three eyes or something.’

Dark features. Portuguese somewhere down the line. Ambitious. Hard-working. That was all Jem had given up before snapping that if Alex didn’t stop asking questions she was going to
call George right now and cancel!

Jem began twisting the silver bangle around her wrist. She’d let her hair down and had used expertly applied makeup to disguise the excema that had still hadn’t seemed to have calmed down any. Alex was seriously considering having a word with this George about the pressure Jem was under at work. This big unveiling thing she had going on
was stressing her out, big time. Alex had tried to talk about it twice since their dad had headed off to the hospital and both times Jem had practically recoiled.

The sun glinted on a car pulling through the gateposts and Alex felt an unexpected thrill of excitement. Jem had never brought a boy home. Alex had found herself second guessing what he looked like, what his interests were going to be, all the things that had drawn Jem to a guy she’d been secretly dating for two years now (two years!) without breathing a word.

‘Nice car!’ Alex trilled, walking through to the hallway. Jem sank onto one of the lounge settees and carried on twisting her bangle.

Alex laughed to herself and walked through to the kitchen, peering through the window over the sink. She honestly didn’t know what Jem was so agitated about, ‘It’s not like I’m going to sock him one on the garden path, Ted-style,’ Alex had tried to joke. Only it wasn’t that funny at all.

Alex went on tiptoes to get a better look at the driver of the silver Audi pulling up to the house. She couldn’t see that well because of the shades but …

‘It’s all right, Jem. False alarm. Unless George is rocking a ponytail,’ Alex said light-heartedly. Jem sat down on the sofa. Then was up on her feet again. Alex shook her head and moved to open the front door and assist their visitor. Her dad said they always had tourists up here now, calling in to ask for directions.

Alex watched the car door schlump open in that way
expensive car doors did. A familiar face looked around at Alex, the same awkward look Alex had seen when they’d first bumped into one another on Susannah’s landing. Jem appeared next to Alex on the doorstep.

‘Oh, hey!’ Alex said warmly. ‘What are you doing up here? Are you lost?’

Gina looked to Jem then back to Alex. She scratched at her shoulder with the arm of her sunglasses then hooked them over her figure-hugging black vest. Alex thought of Lara Croft Tombraider and tried to stand up a bit straighter.

‘No, I think I’ve come to the right place,’ said Gina.

‘Al?’ Jem said shakily. ‘I think you must have already met. This is George.’

‘So, what about when you were at St Cuthbert’s Primary?’

‘Well, I wasn’t thinking about it then, Alex. I’m not a raving sex-pest.’

Alex rolled her eyes. ‘But at high school?’

‘
Definitely
at high school.’

‘You knew then? All that time ago?’

‘All that time ago.’

Alex had listened while three cups of tea had gone cold so far, and each time George had engaged with Alex, all she’d been able to think was how many boxes George ticked on the list of things Alex would hope for Jem to find in a partner. Witty, check. Smart, check. Gracious enough to let Jem
explain things at her own pace, patient enough to listen to Alex’s less intellectual questions. Check and check. And not forgetting kind (and sufficiently knowledgeable in first aid) enough to perform the Heimlich on strangers in B&B corridors.

‘But what about Mal? The snog outside Frobisher’s.’

‘How do you even know about that?’ Jem blurted. Red rising in her cheeks.

‘You and
Mal
? You never told me that,’ George gasped theatrically, she had only been
Gina
for the purposes of subterfuge. ‘Does Millie know? I think I should tell her.’ George broke a grin and Alex felt a bit like a high-school sprog in awe of one of the older, funkier girls. Alex needed to make more effort with her appearance. Especially with exotic creatures like George roaming the earth. Drop dead gorgeous. That was another box George ticked. But then she hadn’t brought anything to the table yet that Jem hadn’t.

‘I told you, Mum saw you,’ Alex informed her.

‘Ah. Well, that was my idea in fairness to Mal,’ Jem admitted. ‘Kind of an acid test.’

‘You kissed Mal Sinclair … to check if you were gay?’

‘It seemed like a good idea at the time.’

‘Well I can’t blame you for that, Jem.’ George smiled. ‘Mal’s a true gent. He deserves a life full of kisses from adoring friends, I think.’ George gave Jem a knowing look and for the first time since George had walked in, Alex felt like a gooseberry.

‘Shoot,’ George exclaimed. ‘Do you mind if I just nip out
and make a call? I’ve asked my cousin if she wanted to come and see the Vikings with her friends and their kids. They might be wandering the town waiting for me to get in touch.’

‘You can use the house phone? The reception’s a bit sketchy up here,’ Alex offered.

‘That’s OK, really. Phillipa can
really
talk, and my car seems to be like some kind of signal booster anyway. Let me give it a whirl first, give you guys some time to digest.’ George got up from the table, leant down and kissed Jem chastely on the cheek. Alex watched George let herself out then saw the uncertainty in Jem’s face.

‘I love her,’ Alex blurted.

Jem exhaled. ‘Really?’

‘Really, Jem. I think she’s
great.
’

Jem broke into a relieved smile. ‘I love her too. And I don’t want her to be a secret.’

‘So you and Mal, you really weren’t ever getting it on with him then?’

‘Nope.’

‘He knows, doesn’t he? That you’re …’

Jem tapped a finger against the milk jug on the table. ‘You can say it, Alex. That I’m gay.’

OK …

‘Mal knows you’re gay?’

‘Yes. Mal knows. Carrie told him. Carrie told
everyone
.’

‘
Carrie?
Carrie Logan? How …
When?
’

‘Year ten at Eilidh High. About a year after you left for uni and didn’t come back.’ Alex looked at Jem, there was
nothing in her expression that said she’d meant for that to come as sharp as it did.

‘What happened, Jem? With all that? I know you hated school but Mum never really went into it all that much. Other than the shrink part.’

Jem tapped the milk again. ‘I did not need a shrink.’

Alex had needed a shrink. Although Jem had matched her on the sleepless nights and had gone one further with a very drastic hair cutting incident. ‘What
did
you need, Jem?’ Alex didn’t want anything else coming out of the woodwork and biting any of them later on. She’d heard enough secrets to last a lifetime in the last week but she’d rather get any last stragglers out of the way now.

‘Just a better group of friends, Alex. That was all. Carrie and her circle, we’d been friends up until that summer. I think she had a thing for Mal though, wanted to be the next Louisa Sinclair probably. Anyway, she didn’t like me hanging around with Mal. Of course, I didn’t realise it then, why she was always making little digs, about my clothes, my favourite music, anything really … to knock me down a few pegs. But I was an idiot. Instead of just telling her to shove it up her arse, I tried to fit in. Be part of the gang.’

‘That’s what all fourteen-year-olds do, Jem. Try to fit in.’

Jem laughed. ‘I was never going to fit in with Carrie. You know, once, I’d borrowed a scrunchy off her, do you remember those? Anyway, I’d borrowed it, probably trying to look more like perfect Carrie, anyway after I gave it back to her she accused me of ripping it, and then sewing it
back together. She showed me the stitching and everything.
Exhibit A!
It was the dumbest thing. She’d obviously done it herself, but it was more important for her to be spiteful than to just … be cool. Be friends.’

‘She sounds like a sociopath.’

‘Nah. She’s just a cow. But a really big one.’

‘I take it you don’t hate her because of
Scrunchygate
, though?’

Jem sobered. ‘No. I hate her because I let her convince me she was my friend.’

Jem read Alex’s expression. ‘I was fourteen, remember. Like I said already, an idiot.’

‘So what did our sociopathic friend do?’

Jem repositioned the silver bangle at her wrist. ‘Nothing. Just kids’ stuff. Stupid kids’ stuff. There was a sleepover, at one of the other girls’ houses. I hadn’t been invited before because I was always hanging out with Mal. Carrie got them all to pretend that they … y’know, practised kissing … like on each other … before the school disco came round. The stupid thing is, I didn’t agree to it because I was
gay.
Or because I
wanted
to do it. I just didn’t want to be the only one who
wouldn’t
do it.’

‘So you kissed Carrie Logan?’

‘Eugh, God no. I just
agreed
to. That was all it took, then total ostracism and a year of hell.’

Alex hated Carrie Logan. She actually
hated
her with a violent white-hot fury.

‘But Mal … He was great. Always looking out for me, on
the bus and stuff.’ Jem shuddered at the recollection. ‘And then it really turned sour when Mal had a go at her at the river race. We’d been having a good day, minding our own business. The mayor had brought in the new egg rules and Mal had egged every one of the targets on the river, I’d hit about half. Then Carrie and her lot started shouting things from the bridge. Apparently I was a “typical lesbo who even threw like a man”.’ Jem smiled to herself. ‘They’d obviously never seen your aim, Al.’

Alex felt a new flavour of rage building in her body. Carrie Cowbag Logan and her craptastic neon shop had had twenty quid out of Jem’s account because of Alex.

‘Forget Carrie, Jem. The important thing, is you’re happy. And I’m happy for you.’ Alex grabbed Jem’s hand and held it fiercely.

Jem pressed her head unexpectedly against Alex. Alex squeezed into her. Jem smelled like strawberry lip-gloss. ‘Thanks, Al. Really, you don’t know what that means to me.’

What, to love a person and have the blessing of your family to carry on loving that person with happy abandon? Alex knew exactly what that meant.

‘So what about Mum and Dad?’

Jem sucked in a huge juddery breath as if she’d been crying. ‘You know what I said about love being straightforward? Yeah, well … some love’s a bit less straightforward than others.’ Jem was fiddling again. ‘I don’t think I’m there yet, Alex.’

Alex set her hand over Jem’s where she was bothering at her bangle. ‘Jem, I’ve hidden under a rock for years. All it does is make you more frightened of being out in the open. Just tell them.’

‘But what if they can’t handle it? What if they don’t want anything to do with me?’

‘Reject you? You’re their daughter, Jem. How could they ever reject you? It might take them a while, to get their heads around it, but they love you, Jem. We all do. Unconditionally.’

Alex watched the thoughts playing out over Jem’s face. ‘So when are you going to tell Dad straight about Finn then, Alex? Because it’s no different. Not really.’

Alex narrowed her eyes. Had Jem deliberately led her here?

‘Dad can’t handle that right now, Jem. What if—’

‘What if he rejects you? You’re their daughter, Alex,’ Jem parroted. ‘How could they ever reject you? It might take them a while, to get their heads around it, but they love you, Alex. We all do. Unconditionally.’