Lieutenant Columbus (11 page)

For his own good, I tossed Lieutenant Columbus in jail. He shared the dungeon
with
the traitorous ATM and a lone Democrat. The next day
,
Columbus
was
promoted to
c
aptain.

After the promotion ceremony,
Columbus
’
s
cellmate was forced to walk the plank. Captain Columbus wheeled the ATM to the dam. Corporal Tonelli had constructed a ramp overlooking the lake. A drum roll added drama to the event. Tourists looked on,
obviously
wondering what the legionnaires were up to this time. Captain Columbus read a short poem as TV cameras zoomed in.

My country tis of thee,

Sweet land of liberty
.

Home of humanity,

Forever shall it be.

B
etray
ing
your country,

Wondrous land of the free,

You are pronounced guilty,

By Colonel Czerinski.

Your metal soul
shal
l be

Banished for all to see,

For all Eternity,

Int
o the deep blue sea.

“Goodbye
,
cold cruel world!” cried the ATM. “I was the last ATM you ever needed!”

Captain Columbus pushed the ATM off the plank. With a splash,
the
ATM floated a short distance, then
–
bubble, bubble, bubble
–
listed to one side and sank. The crowd cheered, throwing beer bottles at its wake. The ATM settled gently to the bottom, next to Garcia.

In a magnanimous gesture, I pardoned the lone Democrat left in jail of all high crimes and misdemeanors. He defiantly lit a candle for the poor ATM.
Circle of life.

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Chapter 9

It was a busy week
.
I sat at my usual table at Smokey
’
s Casino, waiting for the poker players to show up. It was a good crowd. Captain Columbus limped to the bar, joining Ranger Bogani and Corporal Tonelli.

“The snob joins us,” commented Bogani, already drunk and about to fall off his stool. “You think you
’
re tough just because you ma
de
captain, and they gave you a me
d
al?”

“What
’
s your problem,
t
ree-
f
uzz?” asked Captain Columbus, arrogantly. “You want to start something?”

Corporal
Tonelli
got between the two. “Don
’
t mind Ranger Ron, he
’
s drowning his troubles. Florida got stomped
b
y Texas again in the Cotton Bowl. Ron was all in.”

“You
’
re a
G
ator
s
fan?” scoffed Captain Columbus, catching up on drinks. “That figures, being a fish cop.”

“Who allowed you to drink with us?” slurred Bogani. “Genoese snob!”

“Sicilian scum,” goaded Captain Columbus. “Baptized Arab!”

Captain
Columbus
’
s
venomous attention was suddenly diverted to Private John Iwo Jima Wayne, the biggest, baddest, most ill-tempered spider in the Foreign Legion
, as
Wayne sat down on the other side of Columbus
and
order
ed
a drink.
“You spiders think you can do as you please with no consequence for your criminality?” Captain Columbus
railed
, grabbing Wayne by the collar. “Abduct and rape our womenfolk with impunity? Terrorize the countryside
?
Letting you shifty spiders in the Legion was our biggest mistake.”

Wayne shoved Columbus away. “Fuck you.”

“Rome let belligerent natives like you in their legions. Look what happened to Rome!”

“At least I don
’
t have sex with disease
-
ridden scorpions,” replied Wayne
. Obviously he was
not really
in the mood
to kill an officer this early in the afternoon. “How is your foot, Stubby?”

Captain Columbus punched Wayne, knocking the big spider off his stool. Wayne came up off the floor
,
brandishing a large jagged combat knife. In a flash, Columbus drew his sword
. “You call that a knife?” taunted Captain Columbus. “
This
is a knife!”
He
back
ed
Wayne against the bar. No one had ever done that before and lived.

“This is a sawed-off shotgun,” warned Wayne, drawing the concealed weapon with a free claw. “Prepare to meet the Grim Reaper, human pestilence.”

As quick as the fight started, Captain Columbus lost interest, brushing past the baffled Wayne to confront the spider commander and his bodyguards, just arriving for the poker game. Tonelli tried to grab Columbus in time, but Columbus was too quick. Tonelli and Bogani trailed after.

“I invoke the vendetta against that foul evil spider,” swore Captain Columbus, pointing at the spider commander, now seated at my poker table. “He will pay with his life.”

“You
’
re Genoese, remember?” slurred Bogani. “Only Italians can invoke the vendetta. We invented the vendetta!”

“Genoese invented Italians,” advised Captain Columbus, dismissively. “Do not tell me I cannot invoke the vendetta.”

“You need a good reason
to invoke the vendetta,
” advised Corporal Tonelli. “You
’
re just drunk.”

“That spider officer abducted and molested my true love
,
Priscilla,” replied Captain Columbus as he reached my table. “I will take an eye for an eye!”

“A hand for a claw!” cheered Bogani, being macho. “A foot for another claw, a claw for a foot. Off with the pervert
’
s testicles!”

“You abducted the fair Priscilla from my very bed, you scurrilous fiend!” accused Captain Columbus, thrusting his sword to the spider commander
’
s throat. “I will run you through if you have sullied her in the slightest manner!”

“The female shrink?” asked the spider commander, innocently. “Why would I harm her?”

“Captain, put the sword down,” I ordered. “Have you lost your mind?”

“The days of appeasing these treacherous spiders are over! Return my beloved, or die!”

“I see discipline in the Legion has run amuck, as usual,” commented the spider commander, reaching for his communications pad. “Who are you?”

Columbus pressed the sword up on the commander
’
s chin.
“Captain Christopher Columbus is all you need to know. Order Priscilla
’
s return. Do it now.”

“Yes, of course, I was meaning to release her per treaty, anyway. Your Captain Percy was arrested for poaching the giant newt. She
’
s a newt-licker, you know.”

“Liar!”

The spider commander called base. “Release the female human pestilence. Bring her to Czerinski
’
s casino. Make it happen!”

“And bring Smokey
’
s statue!” shouted Ranger Bogani, pushing to the front of the crowd. “Make that happen, too!”

“And the bear, too,” added the spider commander, grimly. “Scratch off the provocative graffiti.”

Captain Columbus sheathed his sword.

“Happy now?” asked the spider commander. “Can we play poker now
?
”

“Thank you,” replied Captain Columbus.

“Care to join us. Do you play poker? I bet you
’
re good at it.”

“Maybe next time. I
’
ll be waiting at the shore
for Priscilla
.”

“There will be a reckoning for your human pestilence adventurism,” advised the spider commander as he dealt the cards, but Columbus was already out the door.

* * * * *

Spider marines paddled ashore with the lovely Priscilla. She kissed Chris Columbus passionately as he swept her away. Ranger Bogani, and the Scorpion City National Guard assisted
the
spiders
with
unloading Smokey. The statue
’
s raised arm was missing, but they rejoiced anyway. Scorpions danced along the beach, giving the spiders the one
-
fingered salute as they left. Someone shot off fireworks and a flare. Outlaw
B
eer flowed, newts were licked, and a grand time was had by all.

* * * * *

On MLK Day
,
I was required to
deliver
a diversity speech to the troops. It
was
the law, written somewhere in the Constitution
.
I think in the 51
st
Amendment. As was my custom, I delegated the task to a junior commander. I do not like public speaking and would rather face combat.
Captain Columbus drew the duty this year. Columbus ordered Sergeant Green to write the speech for him. Green was pissed.

As Captain Columbus stepped up to the podium, his communications pad flashed the speech. Major Lopez stood beside him for support. Columbus changed a few words at the last second.
“Today we are joined together, one great and united American fist, projecting freedom across the galaxy, knowing we are alone, surrounded by bugs. Some of you joined the Legion years ago, others only recently. All are in for the duration. For whatever reason, you got off your butts and joined up.

“Civilians wonder their whole lives whether they
’
ve made a difference. Legionnaires do not have that problem. We make a difference everywhere we go. We are the difference between humanity
’
s survival and extinction, between freedom and slavery.

“When the spiders first came to New Colorado, their Emperor wrote a check his ass could not cash. America is banking on you, the Legion, to make sure that check remains stamped
‘
Insufficient Funds.
’
We will defend this hallowed DMZ with the same unflinching urgency as the founding pioneers. It would be fatal to ever lower our guard. Remember, you are never alone, for the Legion is your family, and always has your back.

“I have a dream that it is America
’
s manifest destiny to conquer all the stars and finally make the galaxy safe. I have a dream that we all will be rich, showered in gold that is rightfully ours. I have a dream that no sun will ever set on the United S
tates Galactic F
ederation
. I h
ave a dream that
,
from the
plains of
Old Earth Spa
i
n to the swamp coast of Florida,
and
from the red powder of Mars to the canals of the New Colorado New Gobi Desert, our children can play and sing,
secure in knowing that a diligent Legion protects them always. Freedom rings for all because of our sacrifice today.

“God Bless America, its President, and the Legion. You all have the day off. Drinks are on the house at Smokey
’
s Casino, compliments of money-bags Colonel Czerinski.”

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Chapter 10

FBI Special Agent Smith requested a private meeting to discuss more FBI stuff. I d
id
n
’
t like Smith, never ha
d
. He
wa
s a weasel
, r
emind
ed
me of Lopez, only less likeable. And another thing. Why
we
re they all
‘
special
’
agents?
We
re there any
‘
unspecial
’
agents working at the FBI?

“Do you know David MacLeod?” asked Special Agent Smith, activating a recording device.