Life Begins (19 page)

Our relationship at this time was
far from perfect. Because he had already declared his undying love
for me, I could lead him on sexually. He wanted nothing more from
me than to say that I loved him. I wanted nothing more from him
than to have him between my legs. It became a game to see who would
give in first. He knew that I loved him, and I knew that he wanted
nothing more than to f#ck me senseless.

I think I may have carried the
game a little too far. I think Jack was really beginning to have
some hostility towards me that went beyond the sexual tension. He
said some things that just... Well, let's just say
that...

On several occasions I would give
Jack the impression that I didn't want him for anything except sex.
I made him think that I would use him and then discard him like I
had every other boy. And Jack responded in a way that made me
think... I don't want to say that Jack ever believed what my father
has always told me, but he has said many of the same things when I
was teasing him.

One time I was being a typical
cock tease with Jack. I had just gotten home from a date with
another man when Jack comes over. He's asking me about my date, and
I go over to him and start rubbing up against him. I tell him
everything I had done with my date while reenacting the deeds on
Jack. And Jack just stood there rigid. He didn't kiss me back. He
didn't even seem to be enjoying it. I don't think he even got hard
or anything. When I was done with my reenactment, I put my arms
lovingly around his neck and looked at him. I then waited for him
to kiss me. He just looked at me and said, “Do you always try to
pick up men by offering them sloppy seconds?”

“Don't flatter yourself. I know
you're more of a bitch than a man.”

He looked at me with such hatred.
I could tell that he was really getting angry. He is a very hard
man to make angry, but once he is, there is no hiding it. And then
he did something that I did not expect. He smiled at me, but it was
that smile of his that I hate. He then took my hand and gently
caressed it. I didn't know what I was going to do next, but I never
expected him to bow to me, kiss my hand, and say, “I apologize for
my shortcomings.”

He then started to walk out on me.
I was feeling all sorts of things. I was upset that he was walking
out on me. I was sorry that I had hurt him. I was wanting him back
and not willing to admit that what I had done was wrong. In all of
my confusion, I yelled after him, “God damn it, Jack! What do I
have to do to get you to f#ck me?!”

He stopped, turned around, and
looked at me. He then started to walk back towards me. He gently
caressed my cheek and started to run his fingers through my hair.
He looked at me lovingly, and I found myself melting in his hands.
I was like a kitten purring in his hands. I was not even noticing
what he was saying when he said, “I guess it's a good thing you
broke my heart early on. It has made me immune to your charms.” He
then kissed me and walked away.

I called softly after him, “Jack,
are you going to be spending the night tonight?”

“You know, you really are a
remarkable actress. I think you should try out for the drama
club.”

“What's that supposed to mean?
You're the one being the drama queen”, I snapped back.

“I mean, for a second there I
would have almost believed that you were capable of actually caring
for a man.”

“But I...”

“Be careful, Dear. You might ruin
our game and admit that you have feelings for me”, he said with a
stupid smirk on his face.

But I continued to play along in
my soft, sweet manner. “But I do have feelings for you, Darling.
Every time I look at you I am overcome with a feeling of wanting to
throw up.”

“Don't worry. It's called a gag
reflex. It's what happens when you bite off more of a man than you
can chew”, he said with a smirk and a twinkle in his eye. He then
bowed and exited.

“You know, you never said if you
were spending the night or not.”

He looked at me, and the smirk
disappeared off of his face. He then walked back over to me and
looked at me. But he didn't just look at me. He looked at me as if
he was trying to pierce my soul with his eyes. When I couldn't
maintain eye contact anymore, I lowered my head. I don't know how
he interpreted it. I don't know if he thought I was ashamed or
what. I was... He was reading me and trying to figure out what I
was really thinking or feeling. The man does have the extraordinary
gift of being able to read people. I'm not quite sure how he does
it. If you ever see him being extremely silent, he is taking in his
surroundings and everybody around him.

After reading me, he took me
within his arms and gently kissed me on the forehead. He was
comforting. “I think I will spend the night”, is all that he said.
We spent the rest of the night as if nothing happened earlier. If
you didn't know better, you would have thought that we were a
couple.

Before Jack and I got together, we
spent the majority of our days like this. It's not that I didn't
know that I was hurting him. I thought that if I made him mad
enough that he would take out his aggression on me.

The difference between me and Jack
has always been what we have wanted from the other. Even from the
beginning, Jack always wanted a committed relationship. I was
capable of that before we started school. It was fun to pretend to
be a couple when you are that young. You are doing what adults are
doing. But when I started school, it wasn't as socially acceptable
to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe I shouldn't have rejected
Jack during that time. I don't think I really rejected him. I just
kept our relationship more of a secret. We could still be what we
had always been without the actual definition.

By the time we were in fifth and
sixth grade, we started to make that transition to really being in
a relationship. It was becoming more socially acceptable. It was no
longer the social practice of hating people of the opposite sex. It
was okay to like boys.

I have always wondered what would
have happened if my parents had never gotten divorced and if his
father had never died. I wonder if we could have gotten together as
an actual couple without all of the issues that we have had over
the years.

I wonder if Jack would have almost
had sex with me when we were twelve if I had not been sent away. In
a way, I don't think he would have. And maybe I wouldn't have been
wanting him to relive that moment for the past few years. And maybe
he wouldn't feel ashamed.

Jack and I have always been
together in a way. There have never been any secrets between us. We
just haven't always been truthful with each other. The Brian abuse
incident was partly because neither one of us wanted to admit what
we felt for each other. And then when that was over, maybe I should
have made my feelings known for him. I just didn't. I decided that
it would be best to lead him on, even though I did love him. I had
romantic visions of a sexual rampage. Jack just isn't that type of
man. Even when he was twelve and about to ravage me, he was sweet
about it. He is slow and deliberate in his lovemaking. That doesn't
mean that he isn't passionate. He's like a skilled craftsman who
enjoys his work. He truly puts his entire heart and soul into
it.

There have been times that I have
not felt worthy of Jack's love. His love is pure. I have always
been anything except pure. Sometimes I just want him to take the
pain away. Sometimes I just want him to hurt like I do. Sometimes I
didn't want to think about our past or what our future was going to
be like. I just wanted to enjoy the moment with him.

I think Jack and I might have
ended our association with each other if we had not gotten together
when we did. We were becoming too toxic. I had led him on too much
and had denied him too many times. He is a very forgiving man, but
I think I was about to exhaust the well of his
forgiveness.

When we were approaching the fifth
anniversary of my return from the Catholic school, I decided that I
was tired of playing games, but I didn't want to admit that I
wanted a relationship with Jack. I made a bet with him instead. I
bet him that if I said something that he didn't have a comeback for
that he would have to start a relationship with me.

Looking back on it now, I think it
is really sad that I would ever have to make a bet with Jack like
this. I think it really shows how much our relationship had
deteriorated over the years. I think he had been hurt enough by me
over the years that he never thought that we would be together. The
bet gave him a glimmer of hope and confused him.

I thought that if I could do
something that he admired that he would be with me. I thought this
would give him a way to gracefully not say something so that we
could get together. We had been sparring with words for years. All
he had to do was hold his tongue, and he could have me. I figured
that it would be a nice compromise.

I never expected him to talk it
over with Melinda. And I don’t think he expected her to hand him
over to me. I know that she was hurt by how he could so freely talk
about his feelings for me in front of her, even when he had
promised that he would marry her someday. I don’t think he thought
talking to her would be different from any other conversation they
had had about me before. It was just that now Melinda saw that Jack
was poisoned with me. She knew that he would never be free of me.
She had to give me a joke to finish him off. Jack doesn’t give her
credit for knowing that this “betrayal” would cause him to no
longer be friends with her. That is partly my fault. I have it
written in the Constitution that I don’t want him spending time
with her. Jack does look at it as a personal betrayal. I think he
has forgiven Melinda. He knows why she did it. She gave him what he
always wanted. She just loved him enough to let him go.

I think Melinda had the right to
sell him out. It was unfair for him to think that he could string
her along when he felt nothing for her. I can't really blame her.
Jack, on the other hand, was truly oblivious to her feelings for
him. But then again, Jack can only think of me. He has an
incredible blind side when it comes to me.

I have to say that I was bit taken
aback by the Declaration of Independence. I know that I had hurt
him a lot over the years, but I never expected him to write down
everything that I had done to him. Between my hurt and tears, I
decided that I would rape him. He was passed out anyway. Wow. That
sounds a lot worse than what I meant for it to. I mean, Jack had
already offered himself to me at the Peace Accords. I had rejected
that. He was passed out now. I figured that if I took advantage of
him that he wouldn't leave me, even if he had written a Declaration
of Independence. And if he is leaving me, he might as well add me
taking advantage of him to the list. Sh#t the list was already long
enough anyway. One more sin was not going to make that much of a
difference.

Jack woke up while I was starting
to undress him. I then started crying about how much I cared for
him and how he wasn't going to leave me. Since he was kind of
buzzed at the moment, he wasn't really coherent. He also wasn't as
comforting as he usually was. I think I ran out after that and had
a good cry alone in my bedroom. I thought we were truly
over.

This did bother me. For as long as
I have known Jack, he has always been... When Jack said I was his
Israel, he meant that he will always love me. Even when I am
terrible to him and go after other men, he is still like God. He is
waiting there patiently for me to return and to give me the
forgiveness that I am seeking. With the Declaration of
Independence, I finally thought that I had emptied the well of his
forgiveness. I had taken too much from it over the years and not
done anything to replenish it. This would not really surprise me,
especially after I had read all of the things I had done to hurt
him. I think for the first time in my life I felt truly guilty for
something I had done.

When Jack entered my bedroom a few
hours later, I was surprised to see him. I think I ended up
punching him and yelling at him. Between my tears, I told him how
much I hated him. But Jack didn't fight back. He merely took me
within his arms and held me close to him. My punching stopped, and
I started crying into him. I don't remember what I said, but I
think it was something to the effect that I didn't want to lose him
and that I did care for him.

We spent the next five or six
hours drafting our Constitution. Jack put into place official
definitions for our relationship. We talked about what each of us
wanted from the other. We compromised. All of the issues that we
had ever had were dealt with that night, except for having sex.
That was the one issue that Jack would not give on. He said that he
would not put that in the document. That would only happen when we
were legally bound in marriage. That's not saying that other sexual
favors were not written into the document. This Constitution was
perfect.

Or at least I thought it was. It
seems that on our first official date a week later (on the fifth
anniversary of my return from the Catholic school and fifth
anniversary of Jack's father's death) that we would get into one of
our biggest fights. I had told Jack that as his first official act
as my boyfriend that I wanted him to plan the most perfect first
date ever.