Life In The Palace (26 page)

“Hey,
chica
.”

“Hey you,” I said back, “Where have you been? Did you have to get all mysterious on me?”

“Sorry about that. How’ve you been today?” Her tone was genuine.

“Just about holding it together. I saw Seth. I made sure we weren’t alone. I’m just not ready to deal yet. I’m sure he knows something is going on, but I made up a lame excuse about studying.”

“Can’t you just blame it on your period or something?”

I chuckled, “I tried, but PMS has never stopped me hanging out with him before. I hope he’ll think it’s Stacy fallout. The trouble is I usually talk to him about these things. He’ll have to think whatever he thinks. I’m trying to keep things normal but I have to know what’s going on before I talk to him properly.”

Spike sighed, “Where are you?”

“Nearly home, why?”

“I want to talk to you about all this stuff, but I thought I’d wait until you were somewhere suitable.” She sounded a little tense.

“You might as well just start talking, I’ve only got a block to go. No one’s around, but I think I can wait until I get home before I lose it.”

There was a little pause while she collected her thoughts. “Today I met with the campus Guide.”

“You took a tour of the campus?” My brain was working slowly.

“No, dufus, the spiritual Guide for the People, big ‘P,’ on campus at Harvard.”

I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity. “Oh sorry, engage brain, try again.”

“I heard he’s a pretty cool guy, but a real Guide who actually Serves in the Palace. Not one of those jokers in robes you were telling me about. It took a while until I could track him down, and then I had to wait for him to have time. Who knew they were so busy? I guess he’s off fighting the good fight most of the day. Anyway I just got out of meeting with him.”

My heart was beating faster, “How’d it go?”

“I told him the sitch: you met this guy, one of the People, but not a religious one, you’re really in love, think he’s the one, but religious dudes say you’re killing him, you tell them to go jump but then you see him in the Palace and he’s all decaying, and now you’re freaking out.”

“What did he say?” I stood outside my apartment waiting for an answer before I walked up the stair.

Spike took a deep breath, “Sorry, love. He said you’re probably killing him. He doesn’t know the full story, but it’s bad news for the People to be cast out from the Palace. He said they can get back in, but only if they stop doing whatever it was that got them chucked out in the first place. You can only make the Quest thing if your intent is pure, not if you just want to marry the guy. If he has no interest in Service and you stay together then he’ll probably die in the Palace.”

She paused. I didn’t say anything. Woodenly, I let myself in and made my way up stairs.

“Was that it?” I asked eventually.

“He said this actually happens all the time. Back in the old days none of the People would dream of shacking up with an Other. But these days there are so many People that don’t know about the Palace, it happens a lot. Apparently this is just about the only thing you can do to get yourself chucked out because it cuts off your future kids as well as yourself.”

I sank onto the sofa, “What do they do about it?”

“Try and get the People even the Serf ones to only date other People. Teach them about how great the Palace is so they won’t want to do anything else. There doesn’t seem to be a very good answer. It sucks is the bottom line.”

I struggled to breathe, “If I stay with him, I kill him and if I break up with him … ” I shuddered at the thought.

“I’m really freaking sorry,” Spike said. “I was hoping I’d be able to find you some magic loophole.”

“Life’s a bitch,” I said with way too much irony.

“And then you die.” She sounded like she was about to cry.

My tears started to fall, “But it sounds like it’s either me or him.”

Spike said nothing. She let me cry again.

“Hey, maybe he’s not really one of them. Maybe his mother did this fake Quest-lite thing they were trying to get you to do.” She was really grasping at straws.

“I saw him in the Palace. He’s really one of them. It’s really as bad as it looks. There’s no silver lining over here,” I silenced her.

Tentatively, she asked, “Are you going to talk to Him about it?”

“No” I said quickly. “I can’t talk to him about this. He’ll try and wish it away with positive thinking and fancy logic. I have to do it by myself.”

“What about Him, capital H?”

“God?”

“Yeah, isn’t that kind of what got you into this whole mess? If He’s really out there, why can’t you talk to Him? It can’t hurt.”

I took a deep breath, “You might be right. Pray. There isn’t much else I can do right now.”

She obviously sensed I’d reached the end of my conversational capacity, “Good luck. I’m here any time of day or night. Not that you really need reminding.”

My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I entered my bedroom. Luckily, Simone wasn’t home, but I needed total concentration. This I couldn’t afford to get wrong. I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to do.

I sat on my desk chair and shut my eyes. It was a long time before I could get my breathing under control, and even longer still before I could quiet the screaming in my mind. There was no other way.

Do I need to sing that song of Tal’s? Is it like some sort of homing signal?

I sang a few lines. Nothing happened.

I reigned my thoughts back in as I felt myself about to start freaking out again.

Gotta stay focused. I can’t pretend to be Tal. Maybe it’s like Peter Pan, one happy thought and then you can fly. What makes me feel close to Him?

Besides Seth.

When we rode to Aunt Theresa’s funeral in Aunt Maria’s beat-up old Toyota with the windows down and Bette Midler blasting because it used to be Aunt Theresa’s favorite.

I let myself relive the memory, under my breath I sang “From a distance, there is harmony … ”

“ … And it echoes through the land … ” I felt the world blur, my heart beat a little fast, my breathing slow and tingles head down my spine.

“God? Are you there? I need You.”

The tears welled in my eyes. I could feel that He was there. I tried not to think about what that meant. I had a job to do.

“What am I supposed to do? It’s Seth. I love him. He belongs to me and I to him. How do I make this right?”

I felt His presence but no answers.

“I love him, that’s real isn’t it?”

Then it came. A feeling flowing through the back of my mind. Thankfully, not words or I would have known I was crazy.

Warm summer days, flowers in spring.

“And he loves me? Forever?”

Giant mountains, rainbows and the North star at night.

“Is he really dying in the Palace?”

A hospital ward with a life support machine beeping in the back ground.

“If things stay as they are, what will happen?”

A fresh grave in a military graveyard.

I recoiled from the image. My mind wanted to shut down. I’d just seen Seth’s grave. My face was soaked with tears. Everything inside me told me to run, but I held on.

“Where is he supposed to be?” I asked.

A glowing banquet hall flying the royal standard.

“The Throne Room,” I whispered.

“Where am I supposed to be?”

A winding road leading towards the horizon.

I shut my eyes and with my last ounce of strength I mouthed, “Thank you. Now I know what I have to do.”

I was lying in bed when Spike called. I dragged the phone to my ear.

“I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing,” she said.

“I asked Him,” I said in a monotone.

“God? You were able to do it?”

“Yes.” I couldn’t quite believe it, but now was not the time to start philosophizing. I shelved the ‘I spoke to God’ freak-out for a later date.

“What was the answer?” her tone betrayed her nervousness.

“Seth has to be in the Palace and the current situation is killing him.”

“Crap.”

She waited for me to say something.

“I have to break up with him.” I was so numb it sounded like I was reciting the bus timetable.

“When are you going to do it?” Spike asked softly.

“I guess tomorrow, in the afternoon sometime. He’s working tonight and won’t wake up before noon.”

“What are you going to do until then?”

I shut my eyes, “Try not to die.”

“I’m so sorry, Chloe.” I think Spike might actually have been crying.

“Me too,” I said in a tiny voice. “I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I hung up and willed sleep to take me if death was unavailable.

When I woke, I had four missed calls from Seth. I was confused until I looked at my clock and realized it was nearly twelve-thirty. Apparently, my body had shut down to protect my mind from what I was about to do.

With shaking hands, I dialed his number, “Hey. Sorry about that, I was asleep.”

“You slept all morning?” He sounded really worried. “Are you ok? What’s going on Chlo? What’s with the big avoidance?”

I took a deep breath, “I need to talk to you.”

“I’ll be right over.”

“No,” I said quickly. “Why don’t we meet somewhere? How about up on the mountain?”

“On the mountain?”

“Yeah, on one of those benches by the fake lake.” It just couldn’t be in my house or his house. It had to be somewhere else. Somewhere I’d never have to go again.

“I guess so. When?” He sounded totally confused, but he still trusted me.

“Three.” I needed some time to prepare myself.

“Okay. I’ll see you there.”

Chapter 21

T
his is what
falling in love was supposed to feel like: that sinking, slightly nauseous, but excited feeling in the pit of your stomach. It’s the moment the carriage begins its decent from the top of Thunder Mountain. My heart beat fast and my pupils dilated. The Universe pivoted on my big moment in time.

But I was about to look Seth in the eye and tell him I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with him. I was going to tell Seth, who was my forever, that it wasn’t enough, that destiny was not enough to bind us. I was about to cast my soul mate aside, knowing that in a thousand lifetimes I might never meet another who touched me as he did. Knowing that I belonged to him, I was about to send him out to a life of incompletion; all because I loved him.

He met me on the benches by the fake lake on the phony mountain.

“Hey,” his lips brushed my cheek as he sat down.

Before he’d even leaned back, I stood, “Let’s walk.”

With a shrug he followed me.

Now that he was here, I wasn’t sure that I could do it. It had to be in person or it wouldn’t be real, but now that it was in person I couldn’t go through with it.

He didn’t take my hand. I felt his gaze trying to read my face. We walked blindly for a few minutes while I tried to at least remember how to breathe.

A single tear ran down my cheek.

“Chlo? Just tell me about it? There’s nothing that can be this bad.” He slowed, like he wanted to stop, but I kept walking.

“What did you do already? Did you sleep with Dwayne? With Josh? Because I’ve searched through everything I’ve done for the past few days and unless aliens took over my body, I just can’t come up with anything this bad.”

I turned my head to look at him. The tears were coming in earnest now.

“Was it Josh?”

I shook my head.

“Dwayne?”

Even with tears cascading out of them I managed to roll my eyes.

“Jen, for goodness sakes?”

I nearly laughed but I didn’t dare, so I just shook my head again.

He reached out to touch me.

I stepped back before his hand could reach me.

Now he looked like he might cry.

I started walking again.

For five whole minutes, he gave me the gift of silence.

Damn him, he always knows what I need. Without any words, he knows what it will take to sooth me.

I didn’t know which one of us led the way there, or if some celestial power just needed this to be as painful as possible, but our feet took us to the lookout. We leaned over the railing as Montreal ebbed and flowed below us.

My breath returned. Maybe someone was praying for me because I found strength I didn’t know I possessed.

“I saw you in the Palace,” I said calmly.

Seth looked at me his brow furrowed.

“When you interrupted me and Tal arguing the other day, I saw what you look like in the Palace.” Involuntarily, I shuddered at the memory.

“So?” his voice was barely more than a whisper.

“They were right.”

“That I’m there on some level? I never doubted that. I’m one of the People, I must be there in some form, but it doesn’t mean anything.” His eyes were scared.

“They were right that I’m killing you.”

“Don’t say that,” he snapped back.

Something broke inside me. I had to make him see.

“It was like the worst horror film I’ve ever seen. Your flesh was dripping off your body, but it wasn’t some fake latex mask, it was you. It’s what I’m doing to you.”

He grabbed my shoulders. “You are not killing me. Chloe Diaz, listen to me. Don’t let them brainwash you. You are my savior.”

I shook my head. I was past crying. “You don’t even know how to live.”

“You make me live.”

“No. I am the thing the lies use to stop you from becoming the person you are supposed to be. If you stay with me then you will die in the Palace.”

He shut his eyes, when he opened them again they were full of tears. “Then until my last breath I will be with you.”

“And when that happens you will go to nothingness because I will have killed all that is eternal inside of you?”

“Better one lifetime together than an eternity apart.”

I pulled away from him. I turned back to the view. He stayed facing me. I felt him willing me to turn back.

“No,” I said. I nearly buckled under the weight of the finality: one little word with the weight of a slab of marble.

I turned my head but not my body. His face was wet with tears. I nearly choked on the words.

“Love means not ruining the other person’s life. Love means they are better off with you. Love means building.”

“You are not Rob.”

“No. If I stay then I’m worse than Rob. I understand what it is that I’m doing. I know the price that you’re paying.”

He didn’t try and touch me. The gulf between us was already too big to cross.

“Isn’t it my price to pay? Isn’t it my soul to lose?”

“And every day I look at you and see you dying? Until there’s nothing left? Who am I if I let you stay with me until you’re gone? And then what will I have? The memories of the man I love and an empty shell for company? I make you a corpse and me a monster?”

“So what do you suggest?”

I was thrown.
What do I suggest? I’m breaking up with him. I didn’t expect to spell it out.

My heart was racing again. I took a deep breath to steady myself.

“We can never see each other again. I’ll try not to go the places you go. I’ll leave your friends alone. You’ll go on with your life and I’ll try to go on with mine.” The words were so insane. I couldn’t believe it was my mouth saying them.

“What if I need to reach you?” He asked like he was asking a stranger the time.

“You won’t.”

“What if I do?” I tried not to hear the begging.

“You can go through Bernie.”

Is that it? A formal agreement and the covenant of love is broken?
I looked at him for one last time.

I couldn’t even catch my breath before his lips were on mine. At first my body responded by rote. This is where my lips belong. My will cracked and I started to think that love conquers all. Then I saw his Palace face in my mind.

I found the strength to push him away.

“No,” he roared. “I will not let you go. Don’t lie to me. You love me with everything you are. I will not let you throw it all away for God.” His face was only inches from mine. I have never seen him in such a rage. It hurt me as his hands clasped my arms to my sides.

I looked back at him and watched the rage ebb away as he read the truth in my eyes.

“You’re right. I love you with everything I am. It’s the only thing that gives me strength now. But you’re wrong. I’m not doing this for Him; I’m not that holy. If it was just about Him I’d lie to both of us and say we’d find a way to make it work. I’m doing this for you … because I love you.”

“I’m sorry if I’m not grateful,” he sneered.

I nodded, “I don’t expect you to be. I don’t even expect you to be all like, ‘Gee ,why don’t I go and live in the Palace now.’ I just can’t be the one that kills you.”

I stepped back.

The tears that ran down my face were mirrored in his.

“I love you,” he whispered.

I looked him in the eye. “Forever,” I said.

Then I turned and walked away.

I didn’t look back.

I didn’t need to. I felt him watch me until I turned the corner.

I walked down the mountain. I couldn’t just get in a cab and go home. Spike was standing at my door when I got to it. Silently I let her in. I sank onto the sofa. Spike climbed on next to me and put both arms around me. I wept without asking her how she got there.