Life Is a Serious Business (2 page)

Well, when my son was six,

I thought it would be character building

For him to join an organisation of fun

And games and great outdoors.

But like a great many things in life

You have to do them yourself.

So that's what we did,

Three other mums and me.

Now people say “Aren't you wonderful!”

But I'm quite selfish really,

Where else could I play games,

Talk to my peers and eat the kind of food

My mother wouldn't let me?

One thing I can say with absolute certainty,

Is that the uniform for the CBSI

Was not designed by Jacob Schlaepfer.

For the uninitiated, Jacob Schlaepfer is a design partner of

Yves Saint Laurent, La Croix and Prada.

Now its fine for the Beavers, Cubs and Scouts and

Even Venturers

They have youth on their side.

But we more discerning ladies, who look stunningly casual,

Occasionally require a little assistance,

To accentuate our more attractive attributes.

I've tried everything

Shoulder pads, alternative neck attire,

But to no avail.

Please Catholic Boy Scouts of Ireland,

Venture a little capital

And keep abreast of the changing times.

Sunny, summers evening,

Taking the Beavers for a walk down Greenlea Road.

It has been one of those days

When some little thing has been sent to try you.

Do you have days like that too? Really?

I mutter to myself “Not my baggage!”

When a little voice says:

“May I carry that for you Miss?”

And I realise I am carrying the First Aid case.

I try to explain it is not that type of baggage,

More like a hang up.

He looks at me, most perplexed.

“Do you know what a hang up is?” I ask.

“No” he says,

His beautiful brown eyes mirroring his reply.

“How old are you?” I ask.

“Six” he replies.

Gosh I could have hugged him,

Only sadly I'm not allowed.

Sometimes I wish I were six.

What is it in our state

That makes us over calculate?

Is it a throwback to famine days of yore,

When scarcity and want were all the score?

When I am peeling potatoes you see,

I always allow an extra two or three,

In case of an unexpected guest,

Or the children might surprise us yet.

I don't have this problem with the humble crisp,

There never seems to be enough or it.

This is not a matter I will have to ponder,

If the recession goes on much longer.

Most art is relative,

Please sit and listen a moment:

It behoves us to try,

Scoff, see if we care.

Is rock man enough

To unravel the beauty?

Often back before beat less days….

But you're not listening!

Okay Bro,

What did Meatloaf mean when he said:

“I will do anything for love,

But I won't do that?”

Well, at least I tried to resist,

Tell me man, handle and list.

Two out of three ain't bad.

Please don't tell me,

I really don't need to know.

I prefer to think of my old faithful friends,

Retiring to a quiet peaceful place,

Attended to by kind,sensitive hands,

With an endless supply of oils,

To soothe their creaking joints.

Base oils…..

Almond and Basil and Walnut,

Sesame and Apricot and Pine,

Bay and Juniper and Marjoram,

Melissa and Myrrh and Peach

Endless…

So you see, I really don't need to ask, I know!

Goodbye, old faithful friends,

My faith is restored, my system is balanced,

Knowing that you rest in peace and harmony

There are two things in life that really please me,

One is that I live in a democracy.

The other one I like to quote,

Is the right to exercise my vote.

The Feminist Movement has much to their credit,

But sometimes I wonder if they ever get tired.

I know I do,

With deadlines and laundry and P 30's too.

A time and motion study of my life showed me,

That there aren't enough hours in the day left free,

To smell the roses or play with the dog,

Or to contemplate walking barefoot in a country bog.

So Feminist Movement of the 21st Century,

Do you think you would mind terribly?

If I were to take a little break

And have a double espresso macchiato and cake?

I'm standing for the next election,

Please won't you vote for me?

For animals on farms everywhere

And to advocate the wearing of odd socks.

I once knew a girl called Monique

Who wore two odd socks,

In fact I tell a lie, she wore four,

Two on her right foot and two on her left.

Well it was wintertime after all.

I asked her why one day

And she replied that it saved time.

Now years later, we must stand up and be counted!

I feel so strongly about this issue,

I cannot suspend action any longer!

Comrades, if I may be so bold,

Why should we be brainwashed?

I must raise public awareness

To the importance of this issue.

So much time and energy is wasted

And why? I ask myself,

Who dictates?

Who says we have to conform?

You see it was fine when I only had myself to support,

But all that is behind me now,

And with the advent of new technology

And increased dependency,

So much time and energy is spent

in the pursuit of the elusive.

Invariably, when I finally find

what it is I am looking for,

To quote from one of our most famous classifications,

The solution is so full of flaws,

It defeats the purpose

For which it was intended.

Comrades, all I can aspire to,

Is that your sentiments match mine.

The rest I leave up to you.

I have a confession to make,

I never work late.

Now I could feign derision

And say,” it's a conscious decision,”

But I confess that's not the case,

To attract attention fills me with dread,

But at least it has now been said.

Look, let's be adult about this

And look at the absolute worst case scenario.

How many permutations and combinations

Are there to a security code?

Okay, I accept that, I'll try.

Key in code-Run for door-Tick Tick Tick

Lock door-Pull down shutter-Tick Tick Tick

Lock shutter-Tick Tick Tick

Horrors-Key won't turn-Tick Tick Tick

Realization key won't turn-Tick Tick Tick

Reverse procedure-Open shutter-Unlock door-Tick

Tick Tick

Run for alarm box-What's the code?-

What's the code?-Tick Tick Tick

Hurry!-Guess!-Key in code-Phew! Just made it!

Okay okay-Calm down-Calm down-Try again.

But don't you understand?

The key won't turn!-The key won't turn!

I'm on a treadmill

It's three o'clock in the morning and the key won't turn.

Tick Tick Tick……….

The powers that be tell me that locking the shutter

does not affect the alarm but I don't believe them.

I was once called a greedy capitalist,

At the age of thirty three.

I thought I had to be at least forty,

Before it applied to me.

My initial reaction was to exclaim!

But then, I thought,

“Why should I lower myself to his level?”

I visited an accountant friend of mine today.

Yes, dear reader, he is also a man,

His wife has just had twins.

He seemed a little tired,

I asked him if he was overdoing it.

He said the difficulty with twins was

It was like having one baby except it was always your turn.

I suggested he keep two bottles in the fridge

In case of competition.

Then we got down to discussing more serious matters,

Like Sanity and Vanity.

He protested but I insisted,

Why can't I have both?

Cosmopolitan city, International sales meeting,

Invitation to multi-currency dinner,

First visit, seated beside Managing Director overall.

On his left, American representative,

She looked a bit like Jerry Hall,

Why oh why are Americans so tall?

Next to her, Swedish gentleman,

Performance quite respectable.

On his left, English representative,

I know we once had parity,

But alas, there ends the similarity.

Well, after all, his population is sixty four million,

And on my right, Norwegian gentleman,

who dines with heads of state.

“How is Ireland?” my host politely asks,

“Wet.” I reply.

“And business?”

“Well the market is limited” I say, matter of factly,

Never apologetically,

“Ah Ireland, such wonderful golf courses.”

“What's your handicap?”

“Eight,” he replies,

“And you?”

I know the maximum is twenty four,

But I could think of a million more.

Why, oh why must I relinquish

My aspirations for Vanity